Alcoholism and How to Quit Drinking Alcohol

Alcoholism For thousands of years
people have been brewing and also fermenting alcoholic drinks. Alcoholic beverages have been a staple of human society for thousands of years. However, there are some people who cannot regulate their desire for and therefore intake of alcohol. Regardless of how much of a detriment that is to
various aspects of their life. Now, it’s at that point that we consider that somebody has alcohol use disorder. In today’s world, it is considered highly insulting to say that someone is an alcoholic. It is more politically correct
to call it “alcohol use disorder”. However, I do not agree that it is actually a disorder. Also, for the sake of your own understanding of a concept which your consciousness has already been ingrained with, I’m going to use the word alcoholic in this episode, not because I’m intending
to insult anyone, but because it gives me a way to help people who
understand certain language to understand the condition that they already think they comprehend. It also must be said before
I start this episode officially, that I could write a book on alcoholism and all of the different
patterns that go into it. So consider what I’m
about to share with you a seriously condensed
version of the subject. An addiction is a coping mechanism. It is in essence, self administered pain medication. You may benefit before
you watch this video, to understand addiction in and of itself. You can do this by
watching my video titled: Addiction and How to Overcome Addiction Alcohol use is no exception. However, alcohol use
is an interesting thing because it is potentially
the most widespread substance addiction. It’s becoming rivaled
by medications, but… Let’s say that it’s societally
acceptable to drink alcohol. Which makes it much easier for people to deny that they actually have a problem. now when we’re going through our life we become accustomed to a certain level of pain and tension. I mean, you all know this, if you are in a painful relationship, you just become used to the normal kind of low level pain you’re living with every day. It’s for this reason, that I think that alcohol “abuse” is so prevalent. Meaning that people don’t really identify that the reason that they’re using alcohol and the reason they love feeling buzzed or drunk even, is because in that moment, they get relief from pain that they didn’t even consciously
really realize they had. People can look you straight
in the face and say: “I don’t have an alcohol problem.” “I’m not using it as an addiction.” “I’m not using it as a pain med.” “I just like the way it
takes the edge off.” Without understanding that to imply it “takes the edge off” implies there’s some
sort of pain or tension that it takes the edge off of. The fact that alcohol is such a staple for human social functions, exacerbates this lack of awareness around the true motives and needs for the consumption of alcohol as well as why we like it so much. All addiction is a modality of escape, a modality of relief. It is a modality of “rescue” from a specific tension of pain. Let’s call it distress. Now each specific addiction feels like relief from a specific sensation, because these specific pains, these specific tensions, these specific points of distress dictate what will give relief. And alcohol is no exception. So you can understand this underlying distress that is creating the need for specifically the addiction to alcohol, I’m going to explain that for you today. The pain that fuels alcohol addiction is unsafety in relationships. That means unsafety with people. Alcoholics have a high
degree of social anxiety. Whether they recognize
and admit to this or not, is another thing. It is very hard for alcoholics,
especially men, to admit that safety is their issue. This makes them feel weak and in many cases, emasculated. The other very hard thing to face is that if you are an alcoholic, your background, meaning: childhood environment socially, was a dysfunctional one. Now a lot of people don’t recognize that their relationship is dysfunctional. Why? Because it’s hard for a
fish swimming in water to understand the water, the limits of the water, the problems with water, unless they experience something else. Very few people have come to understand that it is the emotional and mental and sometimes physical wounding that was a byproduct of childhood trauma, that is actually creating
their current addictions. Very hard for them to realize this. Instead, what they’re doing is saying: “Well, I must be addicted because
of some genetic predisposition.” “I must be addicted because of some abnormality
in my brain chemistry.” “I must be addicted because I have some sort of a
irreparable character flaw.” ~ Laughter ~ Now the truth couldn’t
be any further from this. And let’s be honest, because connection or our sense of our own childhoods, our family connections, tend to be the most carefully guarded ones in our entire experience, all of us would prefer for there to be another explanation then that the reason that
we have this pattern is because of a dysfunctional
situation in our childhood home. ~ Laughter ~ The thing is, if we don’t understand this and we don’t really directly look at those negative patterns that
were ingrained in us that cause distress, (that’s the reason for the
addiction in the first place) then at very best, even if we aren’t able
to get off of alcohol we become a dry drunk. Now for those of you don’t understand what a dry drunk is, its somebody who regardless of
whether they’re on alcohol or off alcohol entirely
and even for years, the same traits in character, the same detrimental behavior that was present when they were drinking, is still present. There’s just no drinking. The sad thing is, is that if you come from a
dysfunctional home environment which by the way, it’s actually impossible
to become an alcoholic if you do not come from
a dysfunctional situation in your childhood environment, the sad thing about this whole situation is that you will repeat those patterns in your adult life. It’s a lot easier for people to
look at their adult relationships and to go: “Wait a minute, this really isn’t working for me, and it’s dysfunctional.” Then it is for people to realize that that dysfunction playing
out in their adult life, is an exact mirror reflection of the exact dysfunction that was present in their formative years. between ages birth and about eight years old when a child starts to transition into the mental aspect of growth, they are literally being programmed with these patterns, regardless of whether
they’re healthy or not. Thus they repeat when they are unresolved or changed. The pain that unites
alcoholics is the feeling that relationships are not safe. Especially emotionally. Even though on a physiological level alcohol depresses the
central nervous system and therefore delivers some
form of physical pain relief, the reason that men who
return from war with PTSD end up alcoholic, is also, unsafety in human relationships. Just think about it for a minute. If you’re constantly on high alert waiting for any moment that a person is going to jump out and shoot you. If you’re constantly on alert knowing that anyone could
betray you at any moment because the rule of the game in
terms of human relationships is war… That’s also a relationship problem. I’m unsafe in relationships. People who are alcoholic feel as if there is absolutely no way to guarantee and control being able to have a
feel-good relationship that stays good. Now it is this pattern, shall we say, that makes it so they choose
the partners that they do. The partners that they choose will be of the same belief. Therefore there will be
very specific strategies that they and their partner employ in order to try to
make the relationship safe. Of course, we know that these
patterns are dysfunctional and make the relationship
unsafe in and of itself. However, to both people
engaged in this relationship, it feels more like safety. First and foremost, transaction. Now those of you who have
been through the AAA programs already understand that
what I’m getting at here is this classic relationship
that people talk about between the narcissist
and the codependent. Unsafely in relationship causes a person to come down with a subconscious
decision about life. And that decision is: The law of the land is, it’s every man out for himself. But that decision makes somebody
do something interesting… It makes them start to realize that if they’re gonna
get their needs met or anything else like that that’s in
alignment with their best interests, it’s gonna have to be them
fighting for their own best interests against everyone else. This causes them to go
into a kind of bubble. This bubble is what we call narcissism. But the thing is, is that narcissism is not some sort of an issue
with morality, either. It’s a condition or a pattern of relationship style. Specifically codependency and narcissism is a relationship style that evolves out of unsafety in relationships. To understand more about narcissism, watch my video titled: Narcissism With that being said, the codependent is in
fact also a narcissist. They’re a covert narcissist, though. Now I’m going to do an entire episode probably one day, on codependency in and of itself. because it’s such a poorly
understood concept as well. To an alcoholic a feel-good
relationship feels impossible. There is no way to ensure
that one’s vulnerability is safe and protected from harm. Many people who are alcoholic, unconsciously feels that they’re
tiptoeing on broken glass with people and as if their
entire life has to be lived with the tension of pretense. In fact, pretense is the
reason most people like to get buzzed or drunk. If you’re constantly living
in this tense state of carefully-planned words and actions, you end up feeling uptight. Alcohol becomes a way of
letting down that pretense and feeling free and loose and
authentic and uninhibited. Those of you who have been
reading my travel blogs know that the most dominant
negative vibration of London – England or England in general, is pretense. It should be no wonder then, why the nightlife, I should say the culture in England is all about getting drunk
once you get let out of work. It’s because of trying to cope, with pretense. Now the thing is if you have to
keep up pretenses in a relationship, it means you feel unsafe
to be really who you are. Now when you are uninhibited and you are able to
let down that pretense, you’re able to be actually more
authentic to who you really are. However, alcohol gives
you another doorway out. It’s this one: You may be more authentic and more true to how you really
think and feel on alcohol, but the next day if people have
an issue with that authenticity, you can blame it on the alcohol. But what we have to get is that this feeling inhibition is specifically because
of feelings of unsafety. As I mentioned, to an alcoholic security in relationships and tenderness in relationships
feels impossible because of the plethora of dysfunctional patterns that plays
out in their relationships that creates this feeling of
complete unsafety socially. All of those patterns boil down to one main thing, and that one main thing is: Every man has to fend for themselves. No one’s going to take your best
interests as part of them self. In fact, they’re gonna be against it. So you’ve got to fight for
your own best interests. Now this makes transaction the most safe relationship you can be in. Because the laws of the
game are straightforward. There’s no surprises. “I give you this, you give
me that in exchange.” In a world where everyone’s only
out for their best interest, you’re actually fundamentally alone, regardless of but that you’re in the
room with other people or not. And this creates this tension that you often see with alcoholics, of trying to control absolutely
every element of their social relationships. Being so unsafe that they
try to control everything, creates a tension and an authenticity that is almost unbearable, which then leads them to the
desire to take the edge off that constant tension. This compels them to drink. In essence they drink
to relieve the tension of the constant control
they’re trying to exert over everything and everyone so is to try to avoid the
many dangers they associate with other people and
with human relationships. The thing is if your alcoholic you’ve never actually
been in a relationship where two people take
each other’s best interest as part of their own best interests. So you don’t even know
what you’re missing. If you don’t even know
what you’re missing, you don’t know how to resolve the pain. The pain just becomes
a normal part of life. It’s almost like if you’re
born with two broken legs, and you’re in pain all the time, but everyone around is
acting like that’s normal. Pretty soon you get gaslighted. You think: “Well, you know, I feel this way, but like obviously, it’s not
okay to feel this way, and no one else is reacting
as if I should feel this way, so I guess I’m just gonna
try to cope with it. I guess there’s something wrong with me.” The second layer to this lack of awareness that keeps alcoholics stuck, is the fact that in order to stay safe, they made a very important
“decision” about life: There is no such thing
as a safe relationship. Many people who are focused
on addiction recovery, point to genetics or the brain itself, for why some people
suffer from addiction. The thing that most people miss, is that genetic expression
is altered by experience and the environment
shapes the human body. Including the brain. This includes the interpersonal
experiences the person has. For this reason, it could be said that brain development
is a reaction to the environment. If one has a healthy safe
relationship in childhood, the brain will form differently than it will if the necessary conditions
for healthy brain development, most especially emotional
conditions, are not available. This distortion of brain development is what many researchers point to as the cause of addiction. When in fact, that’s like saying the light came from the light bulb. We all know the story of light began long before the light bulb. The way genes express themselves and the way the brain forms
is another symptom. Not the original cause. So at this point most of you
know that Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12-step program is perhaps the most common, the most known and the
most highly attended program for addiction
recovery that exists. To say it has a choke hold
on the addiction industry, is an understatement of the century. AA and the 12-step program, with regards to every addiction
now, especially alcoholism, is a bit like the Catholic Church in the Middle Ages. That being said, wasn’t it sacrilegious to say
anything about the Catholic Church in the Middle Ages? Yes? So the likelihood of what
I’m going to go into now, relative to a in the 12-step program, is likely to really upset some people as you will probably see in
the comments below this video. However, at the risk of upsetting people, as per usual, I’m going to express a higher objective reality about AA and the 12-step program. There is one core reason why AAA meetings work for anyone. The reason is, is that those meetings and specifically the way those
meetings are conducted, is actually the closest that the majority of Alcoholics and we could say addicts in general, have had to a safe relationship. They are also the closest that most addicts, including alcoholics, have ever come to relief from the loneliness they feel all the time. It is the way that other people
relate to them in that group and the rules of conduct laid down by the organization itself, and supervised by the group leader, that creates the sensation of safety. Given the wounding that
compel someone to drink, this is healing. It’s healing because it’s the
“opposite experience”. If you look at an AAA meeting, so many of the elements that are taking place during that meeting, are elements of a safe relationship. Things like being able to
expose your vulnerabilities and them never being used against you. Things like someone
being available to you if you need them any time of the night. Things like being able to express yourself and be heard seen and felt. And being able to make mistakes, without experiencing
the loss of connection. All of these things are core
features of this program. The other sad reality, is that as a human right now, we ascribed the lowest
possible value to an addict. Is it any surprise then, then when we behave
this way towards addicts, why they would flock so directly to a fellowship of likewise alienated individuals? These are the scapegoats of society. These are the outcasts. Of course they’re going to gravitate to a group of people who understand them, who see feel and hear them, people who have had
similar experiences. And most importantly, similar pain. On top of this, AAA is free. It is an around the globe, around-the-clock support network, which quite frankly, people who are addicts need. And it is something that
most addiction programs quite literally can’t offer. That being said, AAA and 12-step programs are addiction the resources, which should not be confused for addiction treatment programs. Okay, so now that we have
gone into those things, it’s obvious why AAA would be something that anybody who’s addicted would cling to and what benefits actually come out of it. Now, let’s look at the
other side of the coin. An AAA meeting is not necessarily full of people who are safe. Even if the structure of it
and the way that its conducted is the closest that most people
have gotten to a safe relationship, it doesn’t mean the people who
are there are inherently safe themselves. In fact, it may be on the lower end of the scale of places to meet safe people and there are a few reasons for this. Depending on what country you live in, many times the court actually mandates criminals to attend AAA meetings, if they have an addiction issue. So your likelihood of running into
somebody with a criminal record, is actually higher there. Several people meet their
perpetrators in AAA meetings. Also, you have to understand that there is not a person who
sits down at an AAA meeting who is not in need of emotional, mental, especially relationship rehabilitation. That’s what really needs
to be done there. It means that these
people do not actually know how to have relationships. It means that these very
painful social patterns are still present in them and could very well come out on you. This doesn’t make them bad or wrong, any more than a wild
animal is bad or wrong. But you have to know
what you’re dealing with. I mean if you’re dealing with an
animal that’s been very damaged the likelihood of you opening the cage and sticking your hand in and
not getting bitten, is very low. And by the way, with that bitten analogy, this applies to even the
very sweetest people who attend AA meetings. Because even them, the
most codependent of them, can carry out incredibly
painful patterns socially. Many of the methods that are used by AAA and 12-step programs are completely outdated methodologies that have no place in addiction treatment. When these programs were created, it was an assumption that addiction was in fact, a moral issue. It was a character flaw. It was a lack of willpower. Because moral defect or moral weakness was thought to be at the
heart of addiction treatment, There are explicitly Christian
overtones in AAA. The fact that there are overtly
Christian overtones in AAA is a problem. But it’s a problem I’m not
going to go directly into. Why? Because many AAA programs and 12-step programs have swayed away from
these Christian overtones and tried to create
something more agnostic. That being said, even these more agnostic groups tend to focus at addiction healing as if it is a moral issue. Morality has absolutely no place in a conversation about addiction. It has nothing to do with addiction. And if you start focusing
at it as if it does, that only creates more shame. Right? Morality is a sense of goodness versus badness, right versus wrong. It has no place in addiction. If you start focusing at it like it does, you actually reinforce shame. Shame is the bedrock of the self-concept of an addict. It’s the reason most of them can’t admit they’ve got a
problem in the first place. Because why? In a relationship that’s unsafe, it’s not safe to admit you have a problem. So if you want to reinforce the very condition creating in
the alcoholism in the first place, go ahead and make it a moral issue. The other perhaps biggest issue that the universe at large has with the 12-step program, with AAA, is that it encourages you to
recognize that you’re powerless and to place your faith and healing in a higher power. This in fact increases the risk of relapse and the risk that those relapses will be more and more severe. It’s important to accept reality. Reality is: “I cannot control everything in life.” Reality is: “I’m abusing alcohol to cope with my life and it’s creating huge problems
for myself and the people around me.” But reality is that you’re not powerless and you do not have to nor should you place your faith regarding healing, in a higher power than yourself. Besides the fact that this is
total BS on a universal level, it’s also reinforcing the
alcoholic’s feelings that they are powerless in general. Remember that the original
wound underneath the alcoholism involves powerlessness
relative to relationships and creating what one genuinely
wants in order to feel good. These features reinforce the wound. They don’t fix it. That being said, you also
have to understand that the curriculum that was
created for a and 12-step programs, that took place at a time where it was really common to be an addict. Meaning alcoholism was just… What every Dad was like. And the program itself,
was designed specifically for white men. Now what benefited
these people at the time, who were making all kinds of excuses, about why it was fine for them
to do what they were doing, was to admit that they were powerless. But there are many groups,
women, minorities, who never actually felt that way. They were never in a position in society where it would benefit
them in any way, to say: “I can’t control everything.” they already were powerless. So coming to them and reinforcing
this concept of powerlessness, of those demographics especially, did not swing them more
towards the humility of: “I can’t control everything,
but I admit I have a problem”, it swung them deeper into powerlessness than was ever there before. Another issue: Many AAA programs,
12-step programs included in these, they reinforce the idea
that once an addict, always an addict. Yet again, this is complete and total BS. It also defies the universal
law of healing. Addiction is nothing more
than a frickin’ tendency. It’s a tendency to cope with
distress in a certain way. So to say that because you
cope with stress in that way, you will always run the risk of
coping with stress in that way, it’s retardation. To pathologize yourself in this way and to believe yourself to always
be defective in this way or at risk of it, not only reinforces self-distrust, but it’s also detrimental
to your self-concept. But it’s at this point that
I have to talk about this very deep shadow that I’m noticing in many of these 12-step programs and AAA groups. And it’s that you have to believe: Once an addict, always an addict, in order to keep your sense of belonging. Obviously you don’t really
belong in an AAA group, if you’re not an alcoholic still, right? So you’re gonna keep going for 20 years. Why are you gonna keep
going for 20 years? Because that’s your place to belong. That’s your place for safe relationships. That’s the closest to safe
relationships you’ve ever gotten, that’s where you’re not lonely. Of course, you’re going to defend
that and be there forever. But what if the risk of that, is having to maintain an identity of an addict forever? Is it worth the payoff? Only you can answer that question. Even though some of these
groups are getting better, most of these groups like
AAA and 12-step program, do not understand that it is the trauma that is underneath this distress that is causing the desire to use alcohol, in the first place, that is the problem. What they do is that they focus on overcoming alcohol addiction as if it is a matter of developing willpower and morality alone. Yet again, addiction is not a matter
of an issue of willpower. My last point, my last issue, shall I say, that the universe at large has
with the 12 step program, is that it’s a one-size-fits-all approach. That being said I have
to give some leniency because it is very difficult to
create a group program that is not a one-size-fits-all
methodology. However, this distress or these wounds that are creating addictions in general, but in this case alcoholism, there are different wounds. Even though they share similarities, every person is gonna have a
different variable in their life that led to why they have
this coping mechanism in the first place. And therefore they have
individual awarenesses, individual tools which will work for them and individual resolutions
which need to take place in order for them to make it so that there’s no wound there present that you’re wanting to drink to cover up. That means that true addiction treatment actually must be an
individualized process. And that these group experiences can be an addition to
and a support process let’s called it a resource for addiction, not a treatment in and of itself. When the reality of addiction is that people need specifically
tailored awareness and specifically tailored solutions, what this means is that
that popular slogan: “People fail the program, the
program doesn’t fail the people”, is also complete and total BS. It is the program failing the people, not the people failing the program. Because the program is
being treated by society as if it is a treatment program, instead of an accessory to treatment. Okay, all that being
said about alcoholism, what should you do if you struggle with alcoholism? 1. Your first step away from alcoholism is to decide you don’t want to drink. Now what I just said
is pretty interesting. You may not understand it right away, so let me dive deeper. For the majority of people
who are trying to quit alcohol, it’s not a genuine desire not to drink. It’s something that they
feel they shouldn’t do. It’s something they feel they have to use their
will power not to do. Now, this is the thing I
need you to understand, will power is really something
that has to be used only when someone has
a desire to do something. Obviously, you don’t need
to use your will power to oppose yourself in any way, if you decide: “I don’t
want to drink anymore”, So the very first and most
empowering step is: “I don’t want to drink anymore.” Now obviously, if you
can’t say this, honestly… Ask yourself why. As for not wanting to drink anymore, aside from all the plethora
of detrimental things that alcohol is doing
to your life currently, I have something that should help you out. As much as people are
going to resist the hell out of what I’m about to say… The human body is not designed to handle alcohol. Alcohol is not good for the human body. Alcohol is a drug, alcohol is an intoxicant and alcohol is toxic to the human body. Now I know that those of you who would love to justify alcohol, would love to tell me: “But wait there have been studies
that prove that alcohol is right.” Look deeper into those studies. Because there’s some very
interesting reasons why these results have turned out. If you’re going to make the argument that alcohol is good for people at all, the reason is because, I can’t tell you how much toll it takes on the human body
to be walking around in a state of stress and tension. It is no joke that because of
the various effects of alcohol, it causes a person to
release that tension. This tension that people are living with, takes a toll on people’s health. Including heart health. Including blood pressure. So, it’s only natural that if somebody is
self-medicating in that way and releasing tension in that way, you will see a physiological effect. That being said, is that the right method for going about releasing that tension? Another thing is, a lot of the arguments towards: “It’s an antioxidant”, isn’t about alcohol at all, In fact, it’s about the specific fruits the alcohol is made from. So, for example, you could get the very same benefits from drinking something like grape juice that you could from
drinking something like wine made from grapes. It’s the grape that is the antioxidant. Yet again, this begs the question: Isn’t there a better way to do it? Now, this next one I find the most amusing. If you look deep into these studies that are done around heart health and sipping red wine, it’s gonna make you kind of vomit, because these studies are done with people who sip red wine every day. What does that tell you? The people who they studied, in order to be able to afford sipping red wine every night, obviously came from a
different social stratus. This means higher incomes, this means more education
around health in general, this means the probability of them actually eating a healthier diet and having access to healthier foods and healthier lifestyle in general, is exponential. Therefore, is it really the wine doing it? Or is it the demographic and the lifestyle that that demographic lives, that creates your variables in terms of heart health and wine? ~ Laughter ~ I don’t want you to forget that smoking was once a staple of human society and the doctors and studies once that smoking was healthy, too. I am telling you this as a medical intuitive. I am telling you this having grown up in a culture that really doesn’t like alcohol, so everything in me would love to say that that culture is messed up and that alcohol is fine. It’s not fine for the human body. You will find this out in the future and I realize that upsets people, but there it is. 2. Accept that you are not
powerless to addiction at all. It is extremely difficult to let go of a coping mechanism, when letting go of that
coping mechanism means landing in all the pain you were really desperately
needing to get out of. That is not weakness on your part
that you want to get out of that pain. I of all people understand, the level of pain you
have to be going through to have an addiction so extreme, anyone who was in that pain would be reaching and
grasping for a solution, regardless of whether it cause
other pain in their life or not. So you have the utmost compassion for the fact that that is
a strategy you’re using. That being said, you’re not powerless. You are responsible for
everything you’re doing, saying, all the actions you’re taking. That being said, the things you’re thinking
saying and doing are not actually the byproduct of your free will currently. They’re the byproduct of determinism. Saying that something is
created by determinism means that it is created
by unconscious traumas, which have become patterns which are now unresolved within you. 3. The only real way to resolve alcoholism, is to really face the distress that you are trying to alleviate through taking alcohol. This approach is distinctly different than focusing at alcohol use disorder as if Alcoholism is a disorder, in the first place. This is also distinctly different than focusing on alcohol as if it, the substance itself is addictive. The 12-step program encourages abstinence because it believes you’re powerless and thus must completely avoid alcohol. What if I told you that if
you resolve the pain you’re using alcohol to dule out, there will no longer be a craving
for it, in the first place. In other words the alcoholism itself, should be treated like a
symptom, not a cause. For this reason, though spirituality can serve a
role in some people’s healing, it should never be central to the treatment of addiction. Now the fact that I as a
spiritual teacher in the world, am telling you this,
means you really need to listen to it, when I say that. When a spiritual teacher themselves looks you in the face and says, that the central aspect of
treatment of addiction should never be spirituality, that is a very serious statement. Spirituality, when it’s viewed
as a way of treating alcoholism can have many detrimental effects. Chief among them avoidance
of the original wounding that needs resolution, as well as the substitution of
non-physical relationships for human relationships. You’ve already learned from this episode, that the core wounding that creates alcoholism is unsafety in relationships, specifically human ones. This means it is all too tempting for an alcoholic to throw out the window the thing they actually
need for healing which is to create safe
human relationships, and instead replace it for
a relationship with God. 4. In order to heal pain, you have to actually go directly into it. It’s this methodology of: “The only way out is in” I know this is the exact
opposite direction that you actually want to be going. However, if you want a
resolution to alcoholism, that is the direction you need to go. It is also beneficial for you to do this, to go into this pain or this deep well that is
underneath your addiction, with someone else. This can be when it’s useful
to abstain from alcohol. If you do not engage in drinking, those wounds that you’re trying
to avoid with the alcohol will begin to speak loudly. This makes them easier to directly
become aware of and resolve. When you are deciding to
get off of any substance, it’s very important that you
prepare for this process. Because obviously, the
experience of withdrawal can be very very serious. It’s something that I think is best to study so you know what to expect and kind of rearrange your life so that there is at least some space for that process to happen. Space for you to be in pain. Space for those painful withdrawal symptoms to occur. Space where you can actually go into it. I have created a process to specifically go into the
pain underneath addictions. It is called: The Completion Process If you’re interested in learning
how to do this process pick up a copy of my book
that is quite literally titled: The Completion Process Or to find a practitioner that can
lead you through the process visit: It is the failure to focus
on these deep wounds and deep distress points
that underlie addictions, that is the reason for this
incredibly poor success rate that you see with rehab centers and 12-step programs. 5. You know that the root of alcoholism is unsafety in relationships. This means unsafety with people. So what does this mean? If you want to heal from alcoholism, that’s what to master. The mastery that needs
to be created in your life is relationships. This means it’s time to become obsessed with learning how to
have a safe relationship, what not safe relationships are, what are the components of both? Your purpose on this planet, shall we say, if this is your wound, is to become an expert in how to have a safe relationship. What I just said is really big. It means you’re here to heal your experience of unsafe relationship. So you can understand what healing is, I encourage you to watch my video titled: What is Healing? Your obsession from this point forward should be learning how to
create safe relationships and then actually creating
them in your life. This means you have to become safe for other people, too. Now, I know it’s difficult to admit, but the thing is, is that if
you have made a decision based on your experiences in life, that relationships are unsafe, you react to that in a
specific way, don’t you? If the law of the land is it’s every
man out for themselves and you can’t trust people to take
your best interests into account, You become overly concerned
only with your best interests. You become defensive,
you become armored. You start to behave in a way you of course, feel like
it’s a “defense strategy” but a person in a state of defense by definition is not safe to
be in relationship with. So one of the hardest things to face when you’re walking down this road of having safe relationships is, the ways that you yourself are unsafe in relationships. Also that being said, if you are an alcoholic, the likelihood of you
having people in your life still today… That can’t actually have a
safe relationship, is high. This means that, you’re not going to be able
to create safe relationships with everyone in your life. And you may just figure out that there are some changes you
need to make drastically to your social life and
your social circles. To get you started on this journey of mastering safe relationships, watch my video titled: How to Create a Safe Relationship You use alcohol in many ways, to escape the pain, the tension, the discomfort that you feel about
feeling like you cannot make changes to your relationship. However from a universal level, it’s not really beneficial
to cope in that way, because coping implies you
can’t change something.>From a universal level it’s a
hundred times more important to actually create safe relationships, instead of cope with unsafe ones. 6. The unconscious perception that you can’t have people
in your life that are safe that they don’t exist, or that there’s no way to
make relationships feel good and safe long term, isn’t actually true. Chances are if you look at your childhood, you’re gonna notice a great
dysfunction around emotions. Chief among them, you’re gonna notice that when you had specific emotions, there was a or multiple
caregivers in your life who weren’t okay with
you having that emotion. In other words, unless it suited them for
you to have an emotion, you didn’t get to have it. The pattern is this: Many of them made decisions for you. Decisions that weren’t actually in alignment with your
best interests at all, even though they thought they were. It hurt you. You reacted to the fact that it hurt you and it wasn’t in your best interest, But when you did that,
who was the problem? Them for taking the action? Or you for having the reaction you had? The answer is the latter. Their actions conveyed the message: “I’m gonna punch you now, but you don’t get to
have a problem with it. In fact, thank me for it, or I’m gonna make you the problem.” In order to survive in your childhood home you became a suppressor. You had to suppress your
authentic thoughts, your authentic feelings, your authentic desires and needs because everything you were was in conflict with the people
in your childhood environment. If you manage to suppress these things, well, you turned into
the family codependent. Let’s call it the golden child, shall we? The person who lost their identity for the sake of the
relationships in their life. Now if you weren’t able to suppress these feelings and these perceptions and needs an authentic aspects of you, well, you were turned into
the family scapegoat. Either way regardless of
what role you ended up in, the underlying message you received is: “The way you feel is not okay for me, unless it’s what I want.” “The way you think it’s not okay for me, unless it’s the way that I think.” What you want is not okay, unless it’s in alignment
with what I want.” You don’t really get to have a you. And you really don’t get
to notice your emotions. So suppression is the way
to exist in this household. That’s become your style of emotions now. I mean, if you look at alcohol use, it’s so much about a
person who suppresses. For this reason, I’m very strongly ask you to watch one of my videos. It’s titled: The Emotional Wake Up Call You need to learn how
to deal with emotions in yourself and in others. The most important question
to ask yourself is: “What am I trying to suppress or numb out with alcohol?” What are the actual thoughts and emotions underneath
the action I am taking or the specific behavior
that I’m exhibiting and where did those thoughts
and emotions come from?” “What does the alcohol give me that I can’t seem to
experience without it.” Loneliness is a core experience in life that all alcoholics share. This is true, whether they recognize
and admit to it or not. Alcohol is often used to sedate
this feeling of emptiness. Also, the core self concept that
alcoholics have is that of shame, which is a central pillar of loneliness. For this reason, I encourage you to pick up
a copy of my book titled: The Anatomy of Loneliness in which I explain the exact
makeup of loneliness including separation, shame and fear. In the book I show you how
to resolve these things that create loneliness, so that you can feel true
connection in your life instead. 8. Approach the pain or tension
underneath the addiction as well as the problems created
by the addiction itself, with a holistic approach. When it comes to healing, you can approach healing
on a mental level, on an emotional level,
on a physical level and in fact, healing is often the best when you approach it
from all of these levels. There are so many things you can try that are an incredible accessory to or element of your healing and well-being in life. Try these things and see
what works for you. Things like meditation, liver cleanses, changes
regarding nutrition, exercise, community projects, energy work, financial changes, yoga, changes to your living environment, hobbies, relationship workshops. This is just to name a few. Your goal should be to try these things so that you can discover
those necessary ingredients to your specific well-being. And remember, alcoholism, just like
every other addiction is not a defect in morality. It is not a defective character. It does not make you bad. It does not make you wrong. And so there is no reason
to be ashamed of this. Have a good week. Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte Subtitles by the community

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