I Received a really interesting letter from Tirana in Brooklyn from Brooklyn, New York And she’s given me permission to use her name and she writes dear Lisa. I finally have a name for what I feel I am Codependent holy crap your videos awaking me up big time What I would like to know is should I be trying to wake my friends and family up to I see codependency now everywhere How did you deal with this when you were waking up? I’m beginning to feel lonelier than ever. Is this normal? Thanks for all you do. Love to wanna from Brooklyn. So Tawana, um, you know, it’s Everybody goes through what you’re going through when you start waking up and you have a name for this not feeling good enough when you have you’ve discovered a name for your unconscious sometimes neurotic need completely invisible need Program to seek an unconscious sometimes neurotic need to seek validation outside of yourself You’re holding your breath waiting for the person that you’re with to say Oh, you look beautiful or oh you did a good job. You know, you are a people pleaser You are somebody who you know, you’re the first person at work in the morning. You’re the last person to leave You know You’re always going going going going going you have you always try to prove yourself to other people And you don’t realize that you may be seeking a sense of I am enoughness from outside of you Now this could drive us all really Bonkers because it’s an unconscious drive and then what happens is when we start to become aware of it We realize that we have to literally stop our mine So when we will meet one we’re going throughout our day we have to ask ourselves Is this a codependent behavior or is this a non codependent behavior? Is this a healthy behavior? Is this an unhealthy behavior? Am I seeking validation or am I generally doing this thing? Because I want to do it and I expect nothing in return um, you know, am I vacuuming the rug before my husband gets home, you know and emptying all the garbage pails and spraying air freshener around the house you know and putting my lipstick on because I’m hoping that today when he walks through the door, he’s gonna say Wow, honey, the place looks great. By the way, you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen you know if we’re doing things in our life physical things in our life because we’re holding our breath waiting for someone outside of us to deliver us a Message that we are enough or that we are valuable then we’re literally giving our power over to other people When we start waking up and we stop we start taking responsibility for that behavior It could be very very numbing. It could be very Anxiety-provoking because the brain doesn’t know what to do, right the brain only knows To play with the tools that are in the shed So if people pleasing toning yourself down nodding your head when you feel like saying l know, you know if That’s all your brain knows how to do that’s all your brains gonna know how to do until you learn how to do something else so Tawana I would say it’s very normal to wake up and feel I use the word topsy-turvy in the book the road back to me because it was like Like I also say that when I was waking up it was bittersweet. It was like what like where have I been? First of all, like how could I not have known that I was seeking? Everybody else’s approval for a right to breathe. How could I have not have known that so was I judging myself? Since that time in my life many years ago. I realized that it’s best to nudge the judge and never judge yourself Never judge yourself discern good behavior from poor behavior Don’t judge other people discern, you know healthy person unhealthy person above the veil below the veil Reactive person mean spirited person, you know, it’s good to discern. It’s not good to judge So when you start working waking up, it could be very topsy-turvy. It can be very bittersweet and Also, very exciting that holy crap if I stay on this path and I learn tools to heal my whole life Can change was very very exciting? and you also in most cases I find that clients that I coach with and people in my programs they ask the similar questions like Shouldn’t my mother know she’s codependent Shouldn’t I wake her up to the idea that my father who is an alcoholic and narcissistic and a gambler and all this Shouldn’t she know? that there’s a better way or Shouldn’t I tell my brother who was in a very dysfunctional? relationship with his wife should I tell him and My best friend who was on her third marriage You know who keeps attracting men who don’t work and she has two and three jobs and her kids are begging for her Attention or her children are estranged from her because she keeps picking men over the children Shouldn’t my friend know that this is a codependent behavior? And I would say yes, they should know but not everybody’s ready to change because to heal from codependency Requires great mental strength, it requires great emotional endurance It requires the ability to sit in pain, right? We don’t want to sit in pain. We want to avoid pain We don’t want to feel our attachment traumas We don’t want to feel visceral memories – when we were infants and we were being abandoned and ignored what the brain does want to feel that in fact our brains are designed to run away from that right which is why we end up in these codependent behaviors in the first place because When I fear you leaving me even though you might be a very dysfunctional person when I feel you leaving then I get in contact with my toxic loneliness I get in touch with my abandonment trauma I get in touch with that time in my life where I was a Powerless, maybe infant or a toddler or you know young child preschooler or you know aged? school-aged child where I’m Experiencing this detachment and this disconnection from the people that were supposed to love me, and I don’t want to feel that So as an adult because as it is below social it be above everything. I’m Experiencing today is a mirror to what I experienced in childhood if I’m experiencing trauma today that means that I have an unresolved trauma from the past and Today is an opportunity to heal that which is why I do what I do I want to encourage people who are lost and lonely and afraid and who have feel will feel abandoned and Who don’t know what they’re doing wrong? I want to encourage you to figure it out and never give up and use this Magnificent brain that human beings have been born with to your advantage Use cognition to your advantage learn to organize your thoughts in a fashion that allows you to connect to higher thought processes and allows you to understand your lower thoughts for the the mind the seven year old six year old five year old psyche that was being created and imprinted by experiences that were not your fault I want you to understand that because it’s really really exciting to know that You can be liberated from that and bring more love and light to enter yourself and that’s the entire planet This is the shift. This is this is truly the work that we are here to do. It’s to evolve the consciousness. And so Yes, it’s we want people to wake up but not everybody is prepared For what? It means to heal from codependency to heal from codependency You’ve got to be willing to look inside you’ve got to be willing to acknowledge the pain that has been repressed and denied and Suppressed and you’ve got to be able to learn and that’s what I teach people taught to do how to sit in the anxiety and the pain of the moment and just extend your ability to sit with it without fleeing from it and developing a codependent behavior or an addiction or some type of dissociation or Distraction to avoid the paint so we have to learn to sit and whip sit with it and we have to learn how to observe it and then process it allow our bodies to eliminate it and then once it’s cleared learn how to deal how to teach ourselves literal step-by-step Skills that’ll allow us to prevent ourselves from being codependent in the future, right? So we’re all about just breaking patterns as we go and getting better and healthier and healthier as we go. It’s not an all-or-nothing It’s not one day. I was putting pennant and the next day I wasn’t this is a long freaking journey And I’m you know in recovery many many years now close to two decades and I’m still working on Tuning my vibrations and tuning my thoughts and paying attention to my beliefs and practicing non-resistance in blah blah blah So too Tawana, yes, you’re gonna start to see a lot more patterns that you ever saw before because you’re not unconscious anymore You’re living from a higher state of awareness. Right? So you’re out of the amygdala The hippocampus isn’t controlling your reactions every more anymore, which is awesome Thank you so much for waking up and bringing more love and light into this world. I think it’s awesome You will feel a tendency to want to wake people up, too My best advice is you know, people will begin to say, you know Tawana you seem so much more balanced you seem so much more happy like You know that girl said something to you and you didn’t react and you’re gonna be like, yeah I love myself Like when you love yourself really you don’t attract so much garbage and you know if if People are around you. They’re trying to hurt you like you don’t accept their energy anymore because you know that you’re not, you know and just by being a shining example of You know a true sense of worthiness of the self, especially if you haven’t had it before People will start asking you questions about why do you think you are this way? Like, what? Do you know that? I don’t know and that’s when you can the door keeps open to someone far it in mine and That’s when you be able to shine your light on them even more in the meantime. Just continue to work on yourself and You know, if you do find yourself saying mom that’s codependent like you don’t have to deal with that guy like he’s just taking advantage of you and you’re You don’t feel like you’re good enough and that’s why you don’t want to be alone And that’s the piece you were abandoned as a child and nobody was up there for you You know, nobody supported you that’s why and your mom might look at you like girl. Shut up You know that might happen or mom might say yeah, you know, I I really maybe you’re right, you know so I do think it’s worth worth it, you know to give it a shot to say something along those lines and like Maybe even investigate, you know, but tiptoe around it I got caught up many many years in dysfunctional thinking because when I found this out, I looked at my mom I was like, oh my god She’s so codependent and my dad’s a narcissist, you know And like I want to save her and I looked at my sister’s relationship with her ex-husband I was like, I want to say her, you know, and I looked at my brother I want to see him, you know I wanted to save my nieces and my nephews but what ended up happening was I got kicked in the teeth, you know, um I got slaughtered by my family when I started my father was like Alex Psychological mumbo-jumbo and boy what a mess. He’s in today. So he should have listened to me 20 years ago but So I would say my best advice is you know if you feel like comfortable saying something to one of your friends about their behavior, you know, I would I Would try to say something but be very careful about their reaction and don’t take it Personally know that to heal from codependency and to heal from narcissistic abuse addictions and dissociation Requires warrior-like strength a warrior is somebody to me that? goes into battle knowing that They’re gonna feel pain most likely they’re going to feel pain but they go anyway because they see the bigger picture Because they want they believe peace is on the other end of that whatever conflict, you know Or pain whatever whatever’s on the other end is gonna be peaceful, you know And so they’re willing to sustain the trauma and the drama and the pain, you know to get to the other side So you’re a warrior to Lana and I’m so glad that you’re here. I’m so honored by your presence Thank you so much for watching. Please consider joining my facebook group and maybe even my soon-to-be launched membership site and You know just continue rockin on and learning all you can and and tapping into that amazing beautiful life. That is within you Remember as you tap into that light You not only benefit yourself your children but people who live with you, but You you really helped increase the vibrations of the planet, you know And and your recovery is making the planet a better place for me for my husband and for my children my future grandchildren and beyond so there are no words to thank those of you who are on this path and taking it seriously and Who are interested in tools? There are no words for me to thank you for staying on this path. So I’m gonna try anyway and say thank you. Thank you for being here now I’m gonna say dear once I bow to the love in the light. That is absolutely


  1. Thanks, this video answer my long waited question. Once I opened my eyes to codependency and narassictic behaviors, I noticed that whether I shared my findings with my codependent mother or my narassictic father, they did not want to hear it. Once you open your eyes, you will see how trap and angry people are, because they're use to not finding a solution to the problem, once they are given a way, it contradict everything they have learned.

  2. …You're not alone, Tujuana…it's madd lonely and painful when you're the only one awake and everyone you love is still asleep – but once you see the dysfunctional patterns, you can't unsee them. I've "outgrown" my entire family and all my friends, too – now, I just need a new environment where I can thrive vs survive.

  3. I've stopped "waiting on the word to change" John Mayer. And accept that I can't change anyone but myself. I recognize patterns abuse co-dependant.

  4. It almost literally IS like taking the red pill in The Matrix. You can almost see the ones and zeros of dysfunctional people around you and see their "programming." Once you wake up, you realize you're surrounded, like in Raiders of the Lost Ark, when Indiana Jones is thrown down in that tomb and his gal pal tosses him the torch to see what that strange noise is, only to discover he's in the middle of a snake pit. Not that all the people in our lives are "snakes," but most of them ain't right, that's for sure! Because it's a virus of negative vibration, usually starting with our family of origin and going back generations. Probably back to Adam and Eve! The Human Magnet Syndrome (Ross Rosenberg) and Lisa's videos on the attraction between narcissists and codependents explain it perfectly.

  5. So happy to hear that Lisa sees herself as a work in progress, even after two decades. It reminds me that I am not looking for the finish line. Just sitting with the thought that I am enough, makes me a winner everyday. But some days will be more challenging than others. Love you, Lisa.

  6. Lisa, thank you very much. For uploading very great knowledgeable videos. Your videos have helped a lot. Lisa, hope you & everyone has a great day.

  7. You first have to see the hell to get out of the hell. But the truth will set you free. I just focus on myself and stopped trying to rescue other people as I realized that everyone is on his own journey and can only change his reality on his own free will. This usually happens when the pain is so unbarable that you have no other option but to ask yourself the right questions and go the path of painful healing. Then the universe will provide all the answers for you. Namaste to all of you warriors.

  8. Omg yes you see it every where AND the masks of the bullies even start comin off and they show up in the front row of life…….and to finaly be able to just walk away……..discern is the new way……..YES very exciting for my new life…

  9. Omg, I literally got a call from my father at 3:45 am got out of bed at 4am vacuumed and cleaned the house before my father came over before 6 am because he needed to borrow my car with no notice. Light bulb moment💡

  10. Awww darling LISA, YOU ARE SUCH AN ANGEL🥰🙏🙌
    YOUare %100 right, the road was painful and difficult, but I chose it and I'm very glad bcuz it worth enduring all those pain and loneliness. Now I am happier, healthier and much better person in GENERAL. I love and respect myself , I'm PROUD of myself to finally find the courage to let him go and save my dear beautiful Soul.
    Wishing all of you ,beautiful souls, VICTORY over the CODEPENDENCY DEMON.🙏🙌🥰💜✌

  11. Great message once again! I got caught up in that …trying to change others.its just changing me myself & I these days🥰

  12. I am in tears – this couldn't have come with more perfect timing – I feel like God just heard my prayers last 5 days about forced silencing and how it has hurt so much to continually suppress anger at unbelievable levels of injustice for many many years, but I never knew I had another choice – like everyone else does.

    You inspire me to have the confidence to have my own voice like you do and to now speak up when I know someone who is pretending to be my friend and smiling in my face so they can continue lying/stealing/manipulating etc – it only escalates up to every area of my life because I got s reputation for being too scared to make things awkward for other people by ever addressing any matter.

    I've taken too many losses when I shouldn't have, and when I think life will never get better, yet another video that reminds me that there is hope – I can see and hear what turnaround IS possible just from these kind of videos and amazing light workers like yourself today, here on YouTube.

    Thank you 🙏🙆

  13. Today I was standing at the checkout and I overheard 2 women talking about their families and I felt so lonely because I always feel my life should be like others who seem more exciting. Why is that?

  14. The last time I saw my cousin, she was so threatened by the fact that I am no longer co-dependent and have been working on myself so much that she used the family against me as an angle! She said "But, WE are co-dependent!" Like that is our family way and I was betraying the family! It was really an eye-opener!!! I can no longer serve that way of living, and it bugs me to see so much of my family like that. I feel like I kissed that part of me goodbye years ago and I never want to go back!!

  15. I understand narcissism and codependency. I set boundaries and keep away from toxic people. I even let some toxic people go and I still feel sad and depressed. I don’t understand why

    I think there is something else wrong with me. I have always been very quiet and shy I am not that way anymore but there is this inner angst and loneliness

  16. Currently growing through a cycle of sitting with this pain to purge it! It's an upward spiral. Thank you, Lisa ♡

  17. Dear Lisa: We are all on the same boat! Feeling lonely, feeling pain but moving forward and believing that we will get there! Thank you.

  18. Hey Lisa I love ur videos.

    I want to know whats the meaning of staying in a particular feeling for an extended feeling of time?

    For example , if I had an altercation with someone which has triggered my feelings of unworthiness and shame , then does it mean I hv to feel those feelings of unworthiness and shame for some time?. Its confusing because whenever I try to accept that yes now I am feeling unworthy and shame , anxiety pops up, fear pops up … then there is a trail of all other uncomfortable emotions. Whats the end point of this?
    Does this happen to all of us who practice feeling our feelings.

  19. The person you describe in the beginning – the person who is first at work and last to leave, going going going and always proving yourself… OR… the person who completely switches off because she's holding her breath. We're not enough. We never will be. We seek that validation. We crave it. But we don't get it, and we give up on ever receiving it. We give up on our dreams and desires. We make ourselves small, unseen. We'll never be a success so we give up on striving for it. So, not working. Not going going going, but struggling struggling struggling, and can't be bothered. For what? There's is nothing to prove when you're already broken.

  20. Hits home!!! I feel like I wear a label on my forehead!!! My current last relationship has shown me sooooooo much about myself!! Abandonment issues , insecurities, self sabatoge, needing to be validated, feeling not good enough, anxious attachment! I'm TIRED!!! I didn't ask for all of this! I want it to be over with!! I want to be consistently happy! I don't want to pass this crap on to my daughters! How can I teach them to be self confident and self love and self respect when I don't possess those things?? I am becoming numb!! Smdh

  21. Codependancy is not something we all agree on. Wanting to have a healthy reciprocal relationship is not codependant. Now after being with a narc, you may become codependant. Codependancy is a word thrown around but not everyone is. Many people view it as victim blaming. I had no problem setting a boundary w 9 different narcs, so the discard/ trauma bond came immediately each time.

  22. Sometimes the best way is to start helping them is by showing a person with baby steps. Most times it comes from lack of self esteem and poor personal development. Fix yourself, learn your self, understand your emotions, start caring for yourself and the rest will follow naturally. … and so much more…

  23. The questions that you rhetorically states at the beginning of the video are all questions that I’m starting to ask myself on a daily basis.

  24. Life comes in waves. The strength to sit in peace with pain, and have emotional stamina is honorable. Good stuff, Lisa.

  25. Codependency is basely the state of almost every human being. We simply don't know our inner value, we are lost in the world: we search for our value in others and other things except the only place we can find it, ourselves. This is what J said: be in the world but not of the world. It means know your value just as a being, just for being. May your heart awaken to this kind of Love.

  26. I always thought of my desire to wake others up as a symptom of my codependence, but it’s soooo hard to resist. I like how you present a more balanced option. Don’t “save them” but it’s ok to take the chance to say something – know when to let go!

  27. I thought this was going to be about physically holding my breath. Like, Fight, Flight, or FREEZE. Do others freeze like me? I feel like it’s a defense mechanism that aids the numbing effect and deflection.

  28. So yesterday my psychiatrist told me “You don’t have to apologize for how you feel. Your feelings are what they are and they need validated.” And I asked for permission in order to stop apologizing for my feelings…I finally see how my abusive mother brainwashed me to my core. There’s so much. Thank God I see

    Thank you so much Lisa for all you do

    Respect, love and blessings

  29. ty lisa, this is perfect timing as i have been in recovery for all of the above for many years and fine tuning my walk everyday….. it means a lot to me that you understand what warriors we sure are as we go about our recovery no matter what. ty.

  30. I take things one step at a time. The hardest part has been learning how to speak my truth and standing up to the narc to set my boundaries. I was programmed my whole life to stifle my feelings, but I am ready to stop living inauthentically. I've learned that self sabotage is not taking action when our heart is telling is to. We focus on someone else's pain but not our own, that's what codependency is.

  31. Sometimes walking away has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength. We walk away not because we want others to realize our worth and value, but because we finally realize our own.  ~ Robert Tew

  32. 5:00 I was with you until you said "and men that don't work". Theres 1000 legitimate reasons for why men don't work or struggle to find a job, i'm not familiar with your friends situation, but him being unemployed doesn't mean anything by itself, he could just be really depressed, he could have severe social anxiety co-morbid with agoraphobia like myself. I'm not down with one sided feminism equality goes both directions. If we reversed the situation and he was the single dad with children and lets be honest here that's not likely since custody battles end with the woman getting majority of the custody while not being capable of actually supporting the child herself. But in the situation where a dad has full custody of the children and marries a wife whos currently unemployed and she maybe claims that she wants to get a job or maybe go back to college. Is the mother now a narcissist because the dad has to work really long hours to support her and his child now? The wifes at home taking care of the house and his kid to the best of his ability.

    He teller her " hey i just wants some time with my kids but your lazy ass wont get a job." What a deadbeat lowlife who can't support her family. Shaming someone for failing to conform to their unspoken gender role while being in the era of feminism is highly narcissistic. Maybe give me some more details pertaining to the situation, but from what i can see they're both to blame in this situation.

  33. I knew nothing about narcissism only weeks ago. I think there needs to be way more focus on narcissistic abuse in our professional psychology practice. 3 years and 4 psychologists later, not one mentioned narcissistic abuse. And now after only about 3 weeks online, I have more answers than I ever thought possible. I was giving up. So thankyou Lisa and others like you for making sense of this madness. I'm finally starting to understand my own behavior.

  34. Lisa, my father passed away on June 20. He was verbally abusive, narcisst to my mom/me my whole life. Growing up I had a lot of anger, I directed towards people, instead of my father. I had no friends,later on I couldn’t hold onto boyfriends. Now I’m on tons of meds, antidepressants, sleep meds. He held inheritance/money over my head too. I got married when I didn’t want to, had a child that I didn’t want. He has Autism, my life is so not what I wanted. Do I take your course, Codependent….in your list of classes? Thanks. My sister still lives with my mother, took care of my dad when he passed, nasty to her, my brother committed food suicide, ate himself to death because of lack of love towards him by my father, my other brother stays at my parents house as well.

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