Boundaries, the Cure for Codependency

Boundaries, the Cure for Codependency


hello there welcome welcome this is
Michael Mirdad sharing spiritual insights for a Friday evening. Today
we’re going to talk about the truth about boundaries and codependence, or
another way to look at it is boundaries as a cure for codependence. So let’s look
at this as as clearly, as concisely as possible. There’s still so much confusion
about this. And I love sharing in a way that can kind of cut through this stuff,
and let’s get to it. So let’s talk about what seems to be a problem first. You
know, there are people who say they deal with alcoholism. Other people, drug
addiction, other people this disease of addiction and that one and so on and so
on. What human beings don’t seem to realize is the most rampant disease on
the planet is actually codependence. It is the the greatest addiction – let’s put
it that way – the number one addiction. Here’s why. Not
everybody has an addiction of alcoholism. Not everybody has medical, you know,
medicine addiction, legal drugs. Not everyone has illegal drug addictions But definitely – not everybody has a food
addiction – but most everybody has the addiction called codependence. And even
though all addictions really have the same Genesis or digression, codependence is the most rampant and it’s because it has the same definition as all the other
addictions, which is this. And notice the similarity of spiritual teachings
throughout the world from various teachers. Notice how teachings connect
here. Human beings believe that they’re separate from God and from each other
and this creates a sense of emptiness inside. That emptiness is going to need
to be dealt with in some way. Our emptiness becomes either anxiousness or
depression. We feel this emptiness. We feel off. We feel something, and then we
start to feel anxious or depressed. If we feel anxious, we’re going
to need to be sedated. If we need, you know, if we start to feel depressed, we
need to fill stimulated. So everybody’s looking for some form of that.
The problem is we feel empty, we reach out for something to fill the
emptiness, nothing fills the emptiness, so we go and try it again.
That’s addiction. As soon as you try to fix something using a synthetic, not just
synthetic, chemically synthetic, meaning outside of ourselves, means you’re now in
a cycle. You’re in a pattern and it’s endless, because one needs to feed the
other. As soon as I feel empty and I try something and it doesn’t fill me, oh my
God. I’m desperate. I’m even more empty and more desperate. I need it. I need even
more of it. And there you go off into addictions. But not all of us choose
drugs or alcohol or food or whatever, but what we tend to not realize is our
relationships are absolutely riddled with and rampant, filled with this same
problem, this emptiness, and what it’s called is codependence.
Codependence in the sense translated to mean where I have become dependent. I’m
drugged, dependent. I’m alcohol dependent. I’m food dependent. I’m people dependent.
And again more people are people dependent than any other addiction. What
does it mean to be people dependent? It means I have forgotten Who I am. I feel
an emptiness inside and I really would appreciate it if you, anyone, anything,
outside of me, not just people, anything outside of me, would make me feel
different. I feel down, pick me up .I feel up, take me down a bit, or as
relationships go ,you make me feel so wonderful or you are the blame for me not
feeling wonderful. See that’s all codependent cuz it’s not interdependent.
It’s not responsible here, it’s reactive to things on the outside. So think of it
that way. Codeendence is like that we think we’re empty and then we start
reacting to and dependent upon people. If people don’t like us it’s depressing.
People are upset with us, that’s anxiety, you know, creating. So we all become very
neurotic. We all become very reactive and neurotic. We have to react. We have to
fill this void somehow. We become hyper anxious and trying to fix everything
because it’s off. The problem is, we keep thinking everyone outside or everything
outside is what’s making us feel off. Responsibility takes it the other
direction. So we’re feeling off. We’re feeling disconnected from each other,
from love, from God. We’re feeling disconnected from answers, solutions,
healings. What where am I going to get this and we you know in a way science is
right that sometimes science says or sometimes psychiatry says you know in a
way religion is almost like a form of an spiritual or mental aspirin to deal with
pain and then they scoff and say it’s all a joke it’s all false and they think
it’s there’s nothing to it because they are missing something – they’re missing
God and the religions are missing God all too often even though they talk
about God they don’t know how to often they don’t know how to create the
solution which is to be filled with the presence of God and as I’m filled with
the presence of God I start to be filled with the presence of me myself I’m here
I’m awake and anything that happens I’m aware that it’s my doing it’s a
reflection of my experience inside and that’s when we start to wake up and show
up again we become responsible so there’s another way to look at this is
and it’s very important to understand there are only three relationships you
can have and if you’re a student a minor if you watched me before on these
various topics you’ll you’ll already know what I’m going to say but there
were only three relationships you can have one is with God one is with
yourself and one is with others which includes anything outer other outer from
yourself people your car your house even objects like that so we have
relationships with God itself and others how you doing with those well I believe
in God and I really like people but I just
really have low self-esteem that’s one relationship being off I love God and I
really think I’m a pretty decent people but you know a person but other people
are messed up that’s an incomplete connection oh I love other people
I even like myself but I don’t believe in God that’s another relationship
that’s disconnected see the Sufi say you have to have all three intact here’s the
extra piece not only intact but in the proper order of priority the connection
with spirit comes first that does not mean you’re supposed to perfect your
relationship with God before you start working on your relationship with
yourself and then you perfect that before others it just means what is the
priority what is the most important of the three we’re always working on all
three to one degree or another and believe it or not once again let me go
back and say my failure with any one of these or more of these will become
something where I start to fill empty again afraid and empty and then usually
blame it on something outside and that creates another codependent loop that we
end up into and it’s a karmic loop it’s a karmic loop because as soon as I throw
out a loop of current you know of codependents like I’m happy except now
you’ve ruined my day or you’ve ruined my life or you’ve done this to me or that
to me it throws out this loop that will come back to me for example I’m not
saying people are not sometimes selfish and hurtful all too often they are
because they’re disconnected and they’re thinking they’re going to gain something
by taking something from us and it’ll give them something but it doesn’t work
so guess what they’re codependent now because they’re in an addictive cycle of
I tried to take from others like you as a child or you as a man or you as a
woman or you as an employer whatever I tried to take from you and dang if it
didn’t work it I still don’t feel full enough I need to take more and now were
there in an addictive cycle of taking but we’re all then if we react or get
involved we’re now in that and they put out that codependent cycle again when we
jump in and react to it we’re then part – so these codependent cycles become
wheels within wheels they start to mesh in the gears grind and work together
this person moves this way and they can cause us to move because they say snap
they say go they say react and they don’t literally say it but they do
something that causes us a reaction and we’re only buying into it because we
forgot our Center so you know God you can remember this all the way back to
school kids teasing other kids you know all too often that hurt when we did it
it wasn’t right and when they did it to us it hurts
but the truth is if we really knew who we were it would have never bothered us
it’s the truth it would have never bothered that bothered us that’s why
we’re gonna talk about boundaries but we have to understand codependence and we
have to enter understand what boundaries really are that’s why I’m saying this is
the truth about codependence and boundaries or it’s a perspective of
boundaries which are the solution to codependence so people ask all the time
I’ve done video sets I have you see some of the stuff I’ve done behind me there
are video sets some of which are on codependence boundaries some of them
some of these are free online check them out some of them are on DVDs check them
out but I’ve written some books as well down here you see behind me here it
should be about there I’m kind of guessing this is the relationship book
this would be the relay I wrote a book creating fulfilling relationships
what’s the subtitle turning cellmates into soul mates imprisoned cellmates
into soul mates get it back to love away from the the confinement imprisonment
karmic relationships because our relationships take generally two forms
karmic relationships and gifting relationships co-dependent relationships
will keep creating karmic relationships karmic meaning what oh here we go again
here’s someone again abusing taking advantage not seeing me not hearing me
etc and then there’s gifting relationships which are reflecting to us
the progress we made in learning how to trim back the
co-dependent relationships and nurture healthy boundaries when we do that the
universe says my look who woke up and mature today it seems to me that your
consciousness has now risen we might as well bring you relationships that
reflect your new level of consciousness those are called gifting relationships
their gifts and their earned they’re not they don’t just show up randomly God
even though I’ve done no personal work that a lot of people do this it’s just
nutty God I have done no personal work whatsoever but I’m gonna get married
again hope it works out and they expect it to work out if you’re no different
from your last 15 marriages how’s it gonna be different on your 16th marriage
it’s so silly it’s just nutty why would you expect something different if you’re
not different I would rather be able to say I feel significantly different
before I go into another relationship significantly I feel like I understand
codependence and it’s not the cycles I run in all the time and it’s not the
machinery and mechanism I think with and react to all the time I feel healthier
clearer better relationship with God self and willing to share that with
others and experience gifting relationships because I feel better
healthier boundaries moving this direction fantastic and this can be done
but it doesn’t happen just because you hope it does it it can only happen by us
working at ourselves to become better people to grow and become better
healthier people and that is a good thing to become better healthier people
if we can go all but I don’t want to do that can I just not get somebody nice
that’s just showing the strength of the addiction I don’t want to feel better I
don’t want to go to the gym and I don’t want to eat differently I just want to
take some medication or a drug to make me feel better there are people that do
drugs to feel more spiritual God My Mind’s really expansive
when I’m killing brain cells with this particular drug you know that’s kind of
ridiculous people don’t realize it’s worth it to do the actual authentic
personal transformation instead of quick fixes so
all that said the codependence is something we get into it’s a mirror of
karmic imprisoned relationships and what we’re looking for is freedom
soulmates not a one and only exclusive soulmate
that’s another misnomer and we’ll talk about that maybe some other time let’s
talk about soul mates and cell mates or soul mates and twin souls and the
version of soul mates versus cell mates and twin souls versus this and that
we’ll talk about that another time but codependence guys this is so
beautiful to really understand codependent you can
watch hours and hours of videos and tapes and this and that and go to
workshops and lectures and it’ll get you nowhere
if you don’t really understand the full picture if all we do is say you’re
codependent and your parents taught you to be codependent and you need to break
that cycle you can only heal so much with that
information even though you can do a weekend workshop on that topic that I
just described it’s your parents fault you can still only heal so much the
truth is if you do not understand that it’s a spiritual relationship it’s a
spiritual thing it’s a personal thing and it’s a relationship thing with
others if you don’t understand the holistic nosov this whole program this
whole topic then you’re not going to heal completely so what I’m missing is
not if I only had someone to hold me sometimes
if I only had someone to keep me warm at night so you’re all you’re describing is
if I only had more money if I only had a pot of gold and someone to keep me warm
and if only and if only if only is an affirmation of the ego it affirms I do
not have I need and if only I had I would feel differently it’s a lie
I do have but I forgot where do I have I wonder first foremost it all comes from
the source god I have forgotten Who I am father mother God please remind me show
me my value because I forgotten show me my love ability because I forgotten get
back in touch with this thing and let it fill you with your value
let it fill you with peace that you thought things could give you let it
fill you with value that you thought something
else would give you and usually don’t give you the world loves dangling a
carrot saying come on come on you know jump here we go try again try again and
we keep doing it when we realize oh my god
spirits here I’m I’m as close to God as my own skin essentially it’s a metaphor
the song Hey Jude the movement you need is on your shoulder remember that line
the movement you need is on your shoulder you know and what he meant by
that is everything you need is as close as your own shoulder the very movement
you know the thing the change you need the anything you need is as close as
your own being God is right here and I need to nurture a relationship with it
how prayer and meditation primarily we’ll keep it simple commune with God in
one word in two words prayer and meditation got it and I’ll be doing that
on a regular basis now not once and then never it’s this is my life now my being
any of us right next relationship me how do I have a better relationship with
myself first of all I need to take a regular practice not an obsessive
practice but a regular practice of self healing in one word it’s called becoming
responsible in two words self healing on a consistent basis in my relationship
with self self healing and learning to set healthier boundaries that in one
word those two things self healing and boundaries are in one word
responsibility so check this out if you really want to be a healthy whole
person learn to have communion with God prayer meditation responsibility with
self self healing and healthy boundaries and connection with others through
healthy communication and practicing healthy connection in the form of
intimacy so healthy communication and healthy intimacy we’re not talking sex
it can include that but we’re talking connection of
affection eye contact listening to one another healthy communication intimacy
on a level of I’m here with you whether you’re my child I’m here with you how
are you honey or whether you’re my partner hi sweetheart how are you I’m
here with you it’s connecting with things even your own animals instead of
just hey Rover how are you it’s it’s a being hi honey how are you how are you
dog you know whatever animal it happens to be connection communion
responsibility connection that’s the Holy Trinity of relationships the metal
one boundaries helps us in dealing with code dependence that we seem to have
with others most often with others it’s acted out it really originates in our
own belief we’re missing stuff inside connection right connection and
responsibility those are all screwed up they’re all in shambles so now I need Co
dependence with people instead of connection so start asking yourself am i
connected or codependent well if you think you’re connected and you don’t
have these you’re lying to yourself you cannot truly have healthy connection you
can have a minor version of it you can have a synthetic version of it you can’t
have a real version of connection with others if you don’t have communion and
responsibility because everything is a progression like this the creation
process starts in the heavens and comes to the earth and so do healthy
relationships the creation of healthy relationships and as we’re going in the
last portion of this boundaries are part of our relationship with ourselves and
it’s it’s acted out towards others it’s worked towards others and with others
but it’s it’s really something we birth within ourselves and when I say that I
want to clarify technically your relationship with yourself is rooted
ultimately in your connection with God when you know to love and rely upon God
as our guide that naturally connects to having more trust in ourselves because
we know we’re safe we know we’re guided we
no we’re in touch with the highest of the high so we start to have better
self-esteem because we know we just made the greatest choice we could ever make
on earth which is to recognize our healthy dependence not codependents
healthy dependence upon God like like a child saying father mother God show me
guide me it’s fantastic the unhealthy codependents has made us think that that
concept of vulnerability and surrender to spirit is somehow weak and unhealthy
but that’s because it wants us going another direction without God anyway in
this centre we’re learning to have a healthy relationship with ourselves but
I cannot learn to set healthy boundaries towards others or have them well rooted
in me without having a certain amount of connection with God love oneness a sense
of connection and Trust and so on so with God and so here’s how this works
now looking at it kind of just in a fluid fluid kind of fashion here’s the
flow out here in this world I seem to exist now let me let me do something
here you have this three God self and others now watch technically if you turn
this way notice how God is not seen any more but it’s deep inside so God’s still
there but it’s deep inside of me where’s where am i I’m here too just not that
visible what I typically see when I look in my world is others everything outer
and other people don’t know usually or remember how to learn how to turn within
and find these other relationships to learn to love yourself so much that you
you’re not afraid or intimidated to look at yourself there’s a belief it’s true
belief that people are afraid of their own shadow remember that line what are
you afraid of your own shadow yeah not that just the creature under the bed
it’s the ones in my head people are afraid of their low self-worth that’s
the key right there if we knew who we were we wouldn’t be afraid of any
least of all looking within we think that we are somehow inherently flawed
we think we’re somehow messed up we just we’ve lost love for ourselves because we
seem to have left Kansas and you know we’re Dorothy on The Wizard of Oz we
can’t we’re not in Kansas anymore what kind of fool are we for we’ve hurt NTM
and we’ve hurt our uncles and so on back home we look at all we’ve done we’ve
devastated the lives of these people because of our selfish hurtful behavior
we didn’t when we really look within we’re gonna realize if ever I’ve done
anything other than love it would have been because I was afraid and I no
longer need to be afraid so I can make amends and apologize for any and all
things and I have no problem I meaning any of us I learned to not have an issue
with that to be able to say wow if that seemed hurtful it certainly wasn’t in my
mind but I apologize anyway or the times when we did intend to be hurtful that’s
not very cool is it so we say I get it but no matter who and how vicious we
have been who we’ve been or how vicious the truth is we never would have acted
that way if we truly knew who we were spiritually which means what’s the
solution punishing that person doesn’t cure them you just wait till they come
back in another lifetime and do what when they do it again to someone else or
have it done to them karmically do you think that cures them it actually
doesn’t then what’s the cure well it’s so simple you could ask a five-year-old
and they could probably figure this out if the problem is that people do not
know who they are what’s the solution remembering okay then let’s just hope
that everybody remembers or we can start learning to remember for them when I
forgive people I again meaning any of us when I forgive people I’m either gonna
do it from a fine I forgive you which not is not heartfelt and it’s not real
nor is it effective or I forgive people like this this person forgot who they
were and therefore they did what they did one thing I can do right now is say
to them in my mind not necessarily in person but
in my mind at least you’ve done this because you forgot who you are and what
I’m gonna do for you as a favor I’m going to release you to find who you are
you are not necessarily the hurtful person the hurtful person is not healthy
and I’m not interested in knowing you were participating in this but the real
you I affirm that there is a real you somewhere and I release you to find that
and that’s quite a beautiful gesture because what its meaning is beyond what
you’ve said and done the person the external I’m affirming that inside
there’s a light that you have forgotten and clearly it’s likely that it’s a
light that I’ve not seen in you especially if your behavior was was
hurtful so there’s that piece now again back to the final piece how boundaries
play in it looks just like this again codependence is rampant it’s it’s
coming from our own self-esteem or self-worth issues and so people prey
upon that and then we play back codependence is not just mean people you
know some people say oh I have a girlfriend and she really lets people
take advantage she’s so codependent codependent is not just for victims it’s
for both both people the victimizers and the victims are codependent one has low
self-worth and they let people use them they’re codependent the other has low
self-worth and so they trompe trample on people to try to make up for their low
self-worth they’re codependent people and that beautiful all of this has been
made far more complicated than it is if you can summarize it right it’s not
complicated yes it’s multi-layered and all that but it’s really quite simple
remember what’s the definition again oh there’s codependence and this doctor
said that and this you know author said that and stop people forgot who they are
they start to feel hurt and desperate and empty inside
so they bargain themselves away they either go and take from others or give
to others one form or another to try to fill the void it does not work so they
become even more desperate and do it more and more and with more people so
it’s a these that spreads because I’m not going
to act it out with one person I’m gonna try two three five thousand and so on
and after many lifetimes there’s no limit to the number of people we’ve
acted this out with so it’s pretty strange isn’t it that’s the summary
that’s how it happens simple and it’s coming from my unhealthy relations with
God self and or others so the cure is get it right Communion man let’s do it
love you know God self and others commune with God be responsible with
self and connect with others and boundaries play into it as follows
boundaries are not a cure like we’re thinking set hard boundaries and you’ll
no longer be a victim I already said codependence is not just a victim it’s
anyone and everyone involved in this whole cycle so boundaries are not
there’s the line there’s the wall don’t go past it now I’m safest no boundaries
come from my feeling safe within God there’s no others yet forget that I’m
tuning into God feeling nice communion and safety in connection with God
communion right and now I’m starting to feel a healthier self I’m working on
self-healing which means instead of others others others I’m gonna work on
my issues my low self-worth my fears my triggers my wounds and so on I’m
starting to get healthier and because I’m getting healthier I’m now learning
how to relate to others differently yes I learned to communicate with them and
have better connection like intimacy with them affection and intimacy but one
thing I have to know how to do is have healthy boundaries which is part two of
the second relationship have healthy boundaries with others and here’s how
that works when others are mirroring back to you that you have an issue or
they want something they try to take they trampling when they’re mirroring
back to you an unhealthy karmic scenario loop instead of a gifting one
you learn to say instead of oh my god and reacting and getting hooked in they
throw you the hook because we have some old karmic patterns that come back to
bite us they throw you the hook it could be your your parents saying after all
we’ve done for you how could you do that career instead of the one we wanted you
to that’s codependence but if you do the career they tell you to do you’re
codependent as well because you’re bargaining your higher-self away or it
could be your children oh man you’re becoming all kind of spiritual nutcase
why don’t you just get grounded me and my friends we don’t believe in that oh I
feel terrible that my children feel that way you’re a codependent they’re a
codependent again even when your boss others says or your people that work so
we need you to put in triple time we need you to work till you die I can’t oh
well then we can give this job to somebody else who wants the money oh my
gosh then I better go to work so I don’t lose my job codependent codependent see
boundaries would say wait wait hold on like there are no others for a moment
let me talk to first of all let me look at what you’re triggering inside of me
wow that really triggers a lot of low self-worth I’ve been at this place this
job for you know five hundred years or 37 years or whatever it is and you guys
don’t even care about me right I mean I’ve been here longer than anyone and
you’re willing to fire me that easily mom dad you’re willing to turn your back
because I won’t become what you want me to be kids I’m too spiritual so you
don’t want you’re ashamed of me really you could learn and say what does that
bring up in me Wow fear fear of abandonment fear of betrayal good job
now he’ll work on it cry pray work on it scream Council 12-step program work on
it and then after you’ve looked at some of the inside stuff go within and
disappear into God and say God the weirdest thing just happened
my kids are whomever did this it triggered this and now I’m with you and
I want to know you I want to I want to feel your presence God I want to know
what it’s like that to feel this not flipped around where others
the outer the connection the priority I go within and I connect with God God
Here I am I worked on it and I’m very sad and I feel triggered a little that
people could do this but but I’ve worked on it processed it a bit counseling it a
bit learning about my vulnerabilities that’s self-healing and now I surrender
to you what I really want to feel instead of what I thought I wanted from
them and what triggered in me what I really want to feel is you and your love
bring me your love God and you that’s like a meditating communing meditating
communing you pray what you’re looking for and then ask and we receive asks in
prayer and receive in meditation people turn to ask and receive in to ask for
pots of gold and get it it’s it they just it’s materialism again disguised as
spirituality ask and receive is first spiritual last material but it can be
material but if you don’t get the spiritual thing you’re asking for what’s
the point once again pot of gold is a relationship
with others and if you don’t have the other to the pot of gold is going to
become you know a pot accessable kind of a pot so we go inside and we say Here I
am God and we fill Wow I’ve taken my hurtful experience with others gone with
and done some self healing and now I commune with God wow that’s cool then I
go the other way now I went in now I got to go the other way
so now after I have this communion with God I say okay this was nice to feel God
here but I need to feel God all the way through and have a holistic relationship
so here goes my relationship with God and I say go with me God let’s go back
into me again when I went this way I went from triggered to self healing to
God now I go God to boundaries to other’s boundaries means now that I’ve
taken a moment to heal I don’t feel triggered so I’m not going to react I’m
gonna respond in a minute I go and connect with God I bring
gone back into the moment I say now given the moment that I’m in I’m about
to have a conversation with so-and-so that said they’re gonna dump me or
whatever they’re gonna do people that are gonna treat me this way or yell at
me or whatever it is that that seems hurtful I’m I’m back and I need to ask
myself what would be the healthiest way to communicate with them communication
is an other relation see what’s the healthiest way I’m gonna need to
remember my boundaries I’m gonna need to know what works and doesn’t work for me
to see that’s boundaries boundaries are not defenses I’m ready I got my
boundaries up boundaries you don’t you don’t put up your boundaries they omit
because your boundaries are just like the human aura they don’t zip up around
you like a bag they emanate from within you and they become a force field so
picture this guys my aura emanates out to here and it creates kind of an
etheric protective mesh like a force field if it cool keep certain energies
from invading too much and all that but a healthy one keeps that out but a
broken down aura allows too much weird stuff energies and all that to get into
my systems unhealthy radiations vibrations entities or whatever you you
know believe but boundaries are my psychological aura boundaries aren’t
literal literally a light that emanates like an aura it’s a an air that emanates
like my aura and it does emanate and when you have healthy boundaries people
can tell there’s this Center and they’ll be like they’ll be like how come we
can’t push your buttons anymore first they’re gonna there’s the good cop bad
cop remember that routine in many movies you play the good cop you play the bad
cop that’s what the ego is gonna do you tell
mom and dad you know really sad I tuned in for Mona and I took at him I took a
minute parents were saying you know we’re gonna disown you if you don’t do
our career or whatever scenario you you use I’m just using examples husbands
wives partners whatever you say oh I have to go the bathroom you know use
that as your excuse to go and Wow god I feel
set but let me track this for a second let me breathe let me connect with God
can take just a few minutes sometimes more if you want it but minutes at least
and then you say okay I’m ready I feel connected to peace within me and now I’m
recognizing here’s my boundary I’m ready to go and communicate my boundaries
gonna be I’m sorry you feel that way but I need to really be true to myself I
walk out there and my vibe is gonna be true to myself that’s my boundary true
to myself true to myself and now all of my communications need to reflect my
boundaries if I go out there and I say true to myself true to myself please
don’t be mad at me I’ll give it up if you want me to you
weren’t true to yourself you just bit in to the codependence again true to myself
true to myself mom dad listen really sorry that the conversation went south
here just feels like everybody’s getting kind of upset the least that’s the way
it feels to me and see when I’m speaking from boundaries I speak about myself I
don’t tell you what you’re feeling I’m coming from here it feels to me like
things are off a little bit if I’m hearing you correctly you’re saying
husband wife kids whomever you or don’t like me anymore you don’t let them to
spiritual I’m to airy-fairy I’m too out there I shouldn’t believe in fairies and
angels I shouldn’t believe in God I need to focus more work more I need to do
this more and that more that just doesn’t feel like it’s me but I did hear
you I’m not trying to change your mind I did hear you you’re saying that this
could cause you to disconnect from me disown me divorce me whatever I’m really
really sad to hear that I need to go process that somewhere but I am clear
this is what I’m gonna do to my own self be true this is where I’m going I hope
you change your mind but if you don’t just know that this is where I’m at now
I’m not telling you guys where and when to say yes or no I’m saying that when
your insides have told you something you might need to be true to that all I know
is when you do know and you feel like you’re going to be true I’m describing
simply how to then proceed if you believe it to
be true stay true to it and the boundary would be I’m sorry you feel that way but
here’s where I’m at see that’s a boundary I’m not getting acquiesce to
your pressure but I don’t say those words I don’t sound threatening or
defensive I just I sound sincere and vulnerable you know it is a bummer I you
know I am really you know really kind of sad that you feel this way but okay I
hear you and I’m sorry that you feel that way I’m not sorry I’m making my
choice sorry you feel that way sorry just in the sense that I’m sad to
see that and that’s really holding your ground and sticking to your boundaries
boundaries are not a defense they’re not walls remember they come from God not
God literally saying do this and don’t do that it comes from my connection my
commune with God my communion tells me God simply says I love you be true to
love got it God now I go into myself and go boundary time be true to love be true
to self-worth got it now I step out to the relationship with others now I’m out
here speaking to you others of any kind and my communications
need to still be loving maintaining boundaries still communicating so I do
so here’s where I’m at tactful loving there’s a whole you know
laundry list a short laundry list I can share about the techniques for healthy
communication and I’ve done that in talks and it’s in the relationships book
but keep that in mind it’s just so beautiful so closing
communion responsibility connection Wow it’s perfect I got it I don’t go to
others to get anything I don’t try to find things within myself without having
any spiritual connection I don’t try to be with myself and not be with others
any one piece two pieces isn’t complete all three pieces and each aspect of each
of those three two parts two parts two parts or summarizes one one one and in a
sense like the Trinity of God we call it the Trinity of
relationship is also of healthy relationship is also one at some point
we don’t call it God self and others anymore there’s a point where you can’t
call it anything else because it’s the same it’s just love now expressed in
these three forms the old trifecta right just three three facets three
expressions that’s what the description in Hinduism and Catholicism and other
places the Trinity of God is one it’s it’s the Trinity as one but they’re like
three aspects or expressions of the one God and that’s what relationship is
three expressions of really one thing real love but if I would have talked
about love too much here or title this love it starts to sound like we’re
talking about romance we’re not we’re talking about the consciousness of
perfect pure love when it really kicks in it doesn’t just manifest as cute
things in your life it manifests as holiness your wholeness and holiness
oneness with God can total oneness and and real self shows up right and then my
ability to connect with others to live in love others and it doesn’t mean you
move them all into your house you marry them all you mate with them all you
parent them all it doesn’t mean that it means the love is consistent as best I
can on a daily basis but it looks different from one person to another
that’s the ticket I pray this all makes great sense thanks for tuning in and for
listening sharing if this didn’t make sense then move on you know try
something else that might help you in a different way with your relations if it
did make sense hallelujah you know praise God praise your true self and
praise all life and all beings

66 comments

  1. Amazing video. I've listened to dozens of hours learning about co-dependency and never walked away feel as peaceful and empowered as I did after this video. Thank you!

  2. Iโ€™m really sad. First time walking away from someone at 31. I can barely function and my career is falling apart.

  3. Life changing!! I needed this beautiful breakdown.. thank you for taking the time to make this, i am so greatful!

  4. I really appreciate how you made this talk relevant across faiths. A lot of the videos and books I have seen in this topic are 'made for x' kind of thing. So this is great because everyone can find this useful and important.

  5. Ooohhhhh!! Co dependency …having someone you can depend on and vice versa, what a terrible affliction. Better get a dog

  6. Thank you. I just recently remembered who I am. The Lord is within me. I'm feeling better than I ever have. I have lived a miserable life in the past and that's where I'm leaving it. I'm changing day by day through prayer. I'm learning boundaries more than ever. This is so deep. People are enslaved by codependency. God brought me to your videos. So I can learn. You're a great teacher. Again thank you so much.

  7. This is exactly what I have been working on, improving my relationship with God, so I can improve my relationships with others. I am learning to set healthier boundaries and I am learning how to not only forgive others in a healthier way, but to forgive myself. Thank you for sharing and being one of Godโ€™s teachers!๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ™

  8. This is the best I've ever heard explained. Thank you. I will now get better. I'm healing from narrsistic abuse. I am going to watch you every day. Boundaries are hard for me, but now learning.

  9. I took your advice 6 months ago, thinking to change my man… Silly me: I had to change MYSELF! That worked… for us both. My psych told me I seemed "well"- No longer codependent. Boundaries honor me; they honor God, and they honor and reassure my sweetheart. Now any relationship I have on any level will work because I "work" – for the first time and I'm only 69 so there are years and years left here on Earth!

  10. I have a question for you, it could be a subject for another video. Firstly, let me say thank you for making this video; it has really opened my eyes. My question is: Do you know of a better term than "boundaries?" I am trying to rap my head around the concepts that you talk about in this video, and I find that term "boundaries" to be a big stumbling block to my understanding. The word boundary elicits images of high fortified walls to defend against the crazy, mean, and hateful barbarians (i.e. narcissists) outside. Just about every video out there that talks about boundaries has this kind of mentality, and the trouble is that if you live according to that idea, then the irony is that you will become a narcissist yourself. After all, narcissists are known for their lofty, indestructible boundaries. So, that's why I'm asking this question, because it seems that there's got to be a better term to use than "boundary." I would appreciate any thoughts you may have on this matter.

  11. My comment below is not to say that Stoicism is better than your solution. What I mean by it is that you were talking about how you don't want to react to how other people treat you, or to things they say. You were saying that you want to step back for a moment and reflect, so that you don't fall into that typical karmic loop. When I heard about Stoicism it seemed that maybe that's a good way to not react to people. Again, no disrespect was intended in my earlier comment (below).

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Michael, what are your thoughts on "Stoicism." That aspect of being a stoic, where you try to be indifferent to people and events in life (i.e. just roll with the punches), seems like it might be helpful in dealing with codependency. The problem I see with a lot of the solutions to codependency, including Stoicism, is that we end up behaving like narcissists ourselves. For example, if I act like a stoic, then congratulations, I have become a psychopath, lacking emotions. I like who I am; I don't want to be a robot. I just think people are really bad today, and I need to learn to distance myself from them, and not be so trusting. I basically see three groups of people on a regular basis these days: Narcissistic people who are control freaks, their loyal followers (i.e. people who hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil), and people who are loners, who just want to be left alone. The healthiest ones are probably the loners, but you can't ever get close to such people. As a result, I myself am "a loner." lol

  12. I guess ( as you say) even people who are cold and hurtful by invoking a reaction means you are giving them the power to move your emotions away from self/truth. This is such a major realization thank you. This is a great video

  13. Yeesssss!! Agape Love, starting with God centred self Love is the golden key! Glad this came up in my auto play tonight because the whole time, I was resonating right with you! Amen
    Thank you for sharing!ย 
    Beautiful!ย 
    A world full of this authentic Loving energy is Heaven on Earth!
    Namaste my violet/magenta brother ๐Ÿ™

  14. That is quite true …no one really knows how to pull themselves out of a toxic relationship when they are codependent

  15. Thatโ€™s true …just think about what happens when your boyfriend doesnt text ….and then think about what it feels like when he does text. This is very helpful …thank you . One should be fully align within themselves …ME …Iโ€™m here and I am all I need to get myself in a sweet spot

  16. Wow man you healed me, you made me remember what I knew and have been trying to do to set my boundaries. You said it so eloquently. Glad I found you, you have a new follower

  17. a new subscriber ๐Ÿ–๐Ÿ™‡โ€โ™‚๏ธโค Thank you for your POWERFUL message…You are Godsend ๐Ÿ™‡โ€โ™‚๏ธ

  18. You're a brilliant young man I really enjoy your program I actually came across you by accident I'm so glad I met you thank you for sharing this video

  19. amazing video. i got more insight here in 30seconds than the last 4 hours this morning watching other youtubers!!

  20. Appreciate your share. Traveling on business out of the country & have been away from my group at home.

  21. We can't really get what we need from people. There is a book called when people are big and God is small. It's about the fear of man and codependent issues. God is a jealous God, He wants to be first and worshipped. Everybody can leave you but God will not. Religion is man's way to try to get to God….man made rules, etc. But a true connection to the Holy Spirit and personal relationship with Jesus is the answer. There will be pain and heartache in this world. You can't escape it. There is a good book called boundaries by cloud and Townsend…Christian authors that are balanced. Discernment is needed in relationships because a lot of people wear masks! We need to live our truth and love God first, then love our neighbor as ourself. It's o.k. To love the self. We love with our self 24/7.

  22. This is so healing. Your voice is soft spoken yet powerful, and this is helping me break my codependency and find the route of all my anxiety and relationship problems. It all starts with me. Thank you again, I will be watching this over and over again!

  23. True! People mock God because (I think) they think of God as a human being…to me God is another name for the energy that is the universe…not a person. Draw upon that energy which is always there (in abundance) for you and me.

  24. If you know of anyone in my age range, who thinks like you, please introduce him to me!! Awesome information!! God be with you, as you help others!!

  25. This is such a wonderful, calming video about coming to self-love through connection with spirit, and self, in the form of boundaries that I really needed to hear. I had lost myself for awhile. I was deep in the process of healing childhood conditioning and a past of narcissistic abuse and felt totally alone while doing it. Iโ€™ve done tons of healing work the past five years; writing, therapy, medication, meditation, yoga for trauma, but still didnโ€™t feel quite right? I was learning boundaries as an assertive, vigilant force and it was wearing me out. I think your video has hit the nail on the head for me that it has been the loss of connection with spirit Iโ€™ve missed the most and that boundaries are within, quiet and part of who you are, not loud and vengeful. Thank you for that. I used to be so connected and lately Iโ€™ve felt totally alone, forgotten even…as someone abused spiritually, I all but gave up on ever feeling connected to spirit again. After listening to this, I feel lighter even and have less pain in my chest. I am reminded I need to look no further than my shoulder for all that I need and that spirit is always there. Thank you! Thank you for reminding me to thy own self be true. Iโ€™m slowly healing and connecting again. I feel this came up in my FB feed for a reason. Iโ€™m grateful! Namaste.

  26. It occurred to me yesterday/today that my/our love of really luxurious food may really be an attempt to fill up our emptiness on the inside.

    Just dawned on me, makes sense.

    We are not and cannot survive separation from God and when we are distant, we feel different than we aught to and we know this on some level so use food to attempt to fill that void.

  27. The need to feel and be different is cruical. I went into a long-term relationship (unintentionally) without fixing myself first and the usual baggage came with me. I hadn't learned enough about myself and my behaviour and for all the good the relationship had it was bogged down by my self-loathing, mood swings and ignorance. I need time this time around.

  28. I have a feeling this video touched something inside of me and gave me a whole new perspective that can change my life.
    Thank u, really ๐Ÿ™

  29. The veiled non support you got in childhood has only served to reinforce and strengthen the powerful , spiritual message you bring to the world . So grateful you held steadfast to your still small voice within . Namaste !

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