Brooks Wheelan – Love, Drugs and Scabies – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored

Brooks Wheelan – Love, Drugs and Scabies – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored


– Those are two
amazing things.
Molly’s great.
Snorkeling’s great. Combine ’em, holy shit. I don’t care who you’re with. If you snorkel
with someone on molly, you will fall in love
immediately.[dark electronic music]♪ ♪– Welcome to
“This Is Not Happening.” [moaning] I’m your host, Roy Wood Jr. Ooh, nice teeth. [roaring] You boys have a good time. [whip snaps] Oh-hoh.Ladies.[muffled] Tonight’s episode
is all about romance. [cheers and applause] You know him from his album,
“This is Cool, Right?” Brooks Wheelan, everybody! [cheers and applause] – I’m gonna tell a story about the greatest love
I’ve ever had. It was four weeks long and then we broke up
for over a year. True love, guys. It happened like any
modern romance. Drunk as fuck
in a liquor store parking lot after I was at Red Lobster for my best friend’s
53rd birthday. And I was 26.
So that’s where I was in my life at this point. That’s where I was. So we’re drunk as shit
at Red Lobster and we’re like,
let’s get more booze. We’re in a liquor store
parking lot, I see a lady with cool pants. I’m a smooth motherfucker,
so I told her, hey, you got dope ass pants. And we just started
making out. Right there in the parking lot. Like two dumpster fires
in the night. Romance. It was disgusting, actually. People were like,
go to an alley. Have some self respect. What are you doing? Too much! But I was very into this girl. I was so into this girl.
She had a shaved head. I was like,
this is exotic. This is so exotic. Turns out later,
she had had lice. That’s why she had
a shaved head. I didn’t know that then. I thought it was
a fashion choice. It was a health choice. ‘Cause she had had dreadlocks
’cause she was a trustafarian. I don’t know if you know
what this is. It’s a trust fund hippie. It’s a hippie who has not
earned the lifestyle. Yeah, she’s not the best.
Okay, not a great– not a great persona
for hippies, all right? ‘Cause, like, she’d tell me a
lot about the hippie lifestyle. And that is the most important
part about being a hippie is having parents
who started a business. ‘Cause you need money
to be a hippie. You need money to not
give a shit about the world. It’s very important. There’s no hippies
at Quiznos, you know? Like, you need to be able
to have no job. You can’t be like,
dude, fuck the world. They’re like, yeah, it’s fine. I ordered
the Baja chicken sandwich. I would like it right now. But she taught me
about being a hippie. And I was into it.
I was like, this is cool. This is all great, this is all
fantastic, this is wonderful. And two weeks into
meeting this lovely lady, we went to Maui and we went to
her house that she had. We broke into it. We did and we rented mopeds in
Maui and she took her top off on the mopeds
while we’re riding around. I was like,
there’s people around. She’s like, it doesn’t matter.
And I’m like, you’re the coolest motherfucker
I’ve ever met. Like, this is amazing. You don’t care who sees your
boobs! This is crazy! This is amazing! And then we stopped
at a beach. And she had a fanny pack. And she pulled out of the fanny
pack weed, coke and molly. Which is too much. That’s too much. I was like, what?
Why all three on this daytrip? How come? Leave two at home.
Let’s pick one. Let’s pick–this is
a different crime, now. This is–this is
a different crime. If we get caught with weed,
they’re like, look at these lovebirds. If we get caught with weed,
coke and molly, we’re fuckin’ drug kingpins. And I think you’re fantastic
And I’m gonna be chivalrous. And I’m gonna jump
on their grenade and be like, it’s all my drugs, get out of here, babe! You’re a crazy hippie.
You’re gonna forget you dated me in four hours. And I’m just gonna be
in jail for a while. But we took the molly
and, um– We went snorkeling. Those are two fantastic things Those are two
amazing things. Molly’s great.
Snorkeling’s great. Combine ’em, holy shit. I don’t care who you’re with. If you snorkel
with someone on molly, you will fall in love
immediately. That–I don’t give a shit. If I snorkeled on molly
with Donald Trump, I would be up here right now
being like, you don’t know him
like I do! You don’t know him! We held hands and a turtle
swam underneath us. His hair looked like
spaghetti down there. He’s a beautiful man! So we had a great time
in Hawaii. Fantastic time.
Fell in love. Told each other
we loved each other. She told me–we were 26–
she told me, she’s like, I’ve been proposed
to three different times. I was like, wow,
that’s crazy. Uh, red flag! Um– But in my brain, I was like,
those guys are suckers. Like– So we come back to Los Angeles. We come back to reality.
And we’re here. And she comes over to my house
four days after we get back. She comes over to the house
like four in the morning. And she’s on molly.
And looking back. I don’t know
if she ever wasn’t. I’m not sure. But she came back.
And I was like, oh, so good to see you,
it’s like, four in the morning. And she was like,
we have to break up. And I was like,
terrible to see you! Never mind!
This is terrible. Why–why do we
have to break up? And she just goes,
we have different spirits. And I was like, what? What do you want
my spirit to be? I’ll change it. Like, what– Do you want my spirit
to also love the String Cheese Incident? That’s fine. It could love
the String Cheese– Do you want my spirit
to know more than three Grateful Dead songs? I’ll learn.
Like, just teach me what you want
my spirit to be. And she’s like,
I can’t do this. And she left
and then before she left, I was like, marry me! And that was
four times for her. Yeah, so she leaves. And I don’t see her for
a while and I’m bumming. And a few months go by. I play it cool.
I don’t hit her up. And at this time,
I’m trying to do acting. And my manager and agent
are like, you’re bad at acting. You gotta take
an acting class. And I was like, why?
I thought I was crushing it in those auditions. And they’re like,
our feedback is that you shake
and apologize. And I was like, oh, yeah. Yeah, I do. But if I got
the job I won’t, you know? I’ll have the job. There’s no
nerves anymore, you know. They’re like, you have to
take an acting class. I was like, fine.
I’ll take this acting class. So I go to this acting class
and it sucks. If you’ve never taken one,
don’t. They’re boring. I’m sitting there,
it’s very boring and then, out of nowhere,
I get a text from this girl. It’s been three months
and she just texted me. She’s like, do you wanna
get coffee now? And I, like, looked at it, and I put my phone
in my pocket, and I did the best acting
I’d ever done. I just stood up and I go,
my friend was in a car wreck! And I left. I left–so they didn’t even
see me look at my phone. In their brain,
they’re like, that guy got some intuition
or something. I was like, my friend
just got in a car wreck I gotta go right now! Like– I ran. I got in my car
and I drove to this coffee shop
down on Sunset, not far from here. And I sat with her.
And I was like, so in my stupid male brain
I’m like, we’re back together,
right baby! You know, and she’s like,
oh, no, I just, like, wanted to see
how you are. I’m seeing someone else now. And I was like oh, God, why? No, like–and I immediately
started crying. And she was like,
I can’t deal with this. You know, I understand. And she left
and I was sitting there crying. And also never went back
to my acting class. My career has suffered
for that. Never went back,
sitting there crying. I was so bummed after this. It was so devastating.
I was so devastated, I started listening to, like,
Nine Inch Nails and getting it. That’s a bad place to be
in your life. You never wanna hear
Trent Reznor lyrics and be like,
that is how it is! Like, I had these
crazy ideas to get her back. I was like,
I know what I’ll do. She thought I was lame,
I didn’t like snakes. I’ll go to a pet store,
I’ll hold a snake and I’ll send a photo
and be like, look how brave I am! Like, that’s how crazy I was. But I didn’t do it ’cause
I’m scared of snakes and that’s ridiculous. And people are like,
don’t be afraid of snakes. I’m like, don’t be weird. You know, like, that’s really– People who like snakes
are weird. They’re like, snakes
are more afraid of humans than them. I’m like, fuck you.
No, they’re not. Snakes never took acid
in Joshua Tree then had a meltdown. I never seen a snake
crawl on top of a van and be like,
there’s people down there. You know, like, I don’t–
it’s different. So time goes by. Like, six months.
I slowly get over it. Like, slowly build over it,
build over it. And then I get put on this
program, “Saturday Night Live.” Which was cool,
but the only reason I really got excited
to be on it was because she would know. Like, that’s really-
they were like, you’re on “Saturday Night Live,”
how great. I’m like, she’s gonna find out.
And they’re like, who? I was like, never mind.
This is great. ‘Cause I knew she watched
“Saturday Night”– She watched that show.
And no offense, she–she’s kinda dumb. The show is kinda
for dumb people. It is–it’s for high school
kids and then you grow out of it, unless
you’re kind of a dumb adult. And would I be saying this if
they had not fired me? Fuck no. I’d be like, it’s the number
one hit show ever! But I got fired.
So, whatever. I was just excited to be on it
’cause I knew she’d find out. And so once I got on and I do,
like, a couple episodes. I sent her a real petty email. Oh, wait, hold on.
I forgot about the greatest gift she gave me. Right after we broke up,
it was a few weeks, and I found out that she had
actually given me a present. And that present was scabies. [crowd groaning] Yeah. I had gotten
scabies from this girl. Which is a skin disease
pirates get when they fuck dirt. So I had gotten scabies
from her. I forgot about
that part of the story. But she wasn’t even around
to cuddle while I itched. You know, it’s usually
a really itchy disease. So, like, I sent her
this email when I got on that show. And I was like–
basically, it was petty. I was just like–
the title was basically, “You Suck.”
You know, like– I was like,
I loved you so much, All you gave me was scabies.
You’re a mean person. Send.
And I was like– [sighs] And right away, I got
an email back from her that was just like,
I’m sorry. Like, I apologize.
I was immature, I was going though some things. And I just, you know,
I didn’t behave properly. And I was like, oh, wow,
that’s very nice. Like, how do I
respond to this? And then I go,
I know how to respond. I don’t say fuckin’ nothin’, and then I win
this relationship. Like, I have
the upper hand right now. This is great.
So, like, I didn’t respond. I walked around
with my head held high. For, like six months.
I was like, yeah, you won. You won that relationship.
This is fantastic. And then, six months later,
I saw the movie “Descendents,” which happens in Hawaii. And I was like,
I miss her so bad! And I sent her, like,
a three page email being like, you have
a beautiful soul. I’m sorry for my mean email. And she never responded
to that email. So she actually won
the fuckin’ relationship. I fumbled it
at the two yard line. Sucks so bad.
But I’m very lucky that she broke up with me
because I would’ve done anything for this person. Like, I was crazy.
I was out of my mind. Like, I wouldn’t be doing
stand-up comedy right now. That’s the truth.
I wouldn’t be up here talking, doing stand-up comedy. I would be in
a tree house somewhere pretending to like poetry. Like, wearing a leather vest
with a beaded falcon on it. You know, like,
that’s what I would’ve been doing, you know, like– So thank God we broke up. But, you know,
that relationship was all based off of
one simple thing. Some really dope fucking pants. That– But that’s not really true. It was mostly
molly and snorkeling. So that’s my story.
Thank you guys very, very much. [cheers and applause]– Brooks Wheelan, everybody.
Brooks Wheelan.

100 comments

  1. This new host has the personality of a wet sock during the intros… Hasn't made me even crack a smile yet. ;( If they're doing the PC, progressive, racist thing, there's a million great black comics FFS. I can think of a dozen MUCH funnier ones right off the top of my head who actually deserve it.

  2. This is honestly the first thing in three years that has eased the pain of my last breakup. I still struggle with it every day, but this helped today. I'm sure I'd still go running back if I ever had the chance. I'm pretty fucked up.

  3. At least in my own life, the "hippies" I've met tend to be emotionally stunted narcissists that abuse the very possible significance of a counter culture to justify the same fluid morality they claim to protest; people that wear pretty ideas like medals, but have no relationship with their practice …or understanding of the sacrifices required to give them life.

  4. Women have no accountability and refuse to think anything can be their fault. No 1 person or side can be accountable for everything under the sun. Like he said there can be 3 complete strangers that made the same decision to NOT MARRY you. Hhhmmm… there's a COMMON DENOMINATOR๐Ÿค”. But im sure that's no your fault either.

  5. im not weird and i love snakes i like this guy hes really funny he just needs to stop being a pussy lol

  6. I always thought Brooks just didn't quite fit the cheesy and slapstick 'theatre nerd' improv that constitutes most of SNL. His greatest work on the show was his comedy bits on Weekend Update. He was just too edgy for the show (and it was obvious they didn't know what to do with him). And that's not a bad thing at all – I effing LOVE SNL and can still recognise when they haven't made a great choice, and respect when they realise it too ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿพ

  7. In the mood for more This Is Not Happening? Watch comedians' most outrageous sex and romance stories here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLD7nPL1U-R5p26gyn9MH4nOit3BcfNyYZ

  8. my dad didnโ€™t tell me why he named me trent until i had a super fucked up life experience he told me to listen to some albums at 17 i fucking got dark

  9. what a pussy guy….people hold on and carry mad amounts and the pussy-guy is scared to hold 3 tings for good for 2 people? pppppfffff

  10. That Trent Rez joke landed so hard for me. I've been there. Nude, pile of blow, almost empty bottle of whiskey man crying TRYING to jerk off.

  11. Oh good, he's not wearing jeans. I thought he was wearing a Canadian tuxedo from the thumbnail, his performance is better solely based on that discovery…

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