Can Spiders Lay Eggs Under My Skin? (feat. Gus Johnson) – Your Worst Fears Confirmed


Can spiders lay eggs
under your skin? 100%. And here’s now. Spiders lay eggs in soil,
on leaves, and in their web. A spider would never
confuse a human body for one of these environments,
unless that spider was drunk. Yes, some spiders drink alcohol. They confuse it
for stinky water. And your spider has been
living in your recycling, slurping on your discarded IPAs, and now it’s addicted
to the sauce. It crawls out one night,
fiending for booze. You’re passed out, office party,
you’re the boss, but even you need to cut loose
every once in a while. The spider spells the alcohol
emanating from your pores, crawls up your leg, and falls
into a scrape on your knee. You scratched it earlier, when you swore you could do
the Macarena at double speed. This spider is a long-bodied
female cellar spider, which means she transports
her egg sacs between her jaws. Yearning for a taste
of your boozy blood, she opens her mouth
and drops the eggs in your knee. The human body is incredible, and the keratinocytes
in your epidermis proliferate, and seal your knee overnight.
And now, it’s morning, and your legs
are full of spiders. But don’t take it from me, take it from arachnid expert
Gus Johnson. Welcome, Gus. Thank you. Always been
a big fan of the void. Scientists say that it’s a myth that spiders can lay eggs
in your skin. Wrong.
It’s a fact. Spiders will lay eggs
in your skin, and there’s nothing
you can do to stop them. Myth, bodies don’t make
enough oxygen for spider eggs
to survive inside the skin. Fact, it’s your birthday,
you get a gift card to a spa. You don’t normally do this
sort of thing, but why not? Skincare doesn’t have to be
just a girls’ thing. The lady at the spa
recommends you get a facial, and based on your dry skin,
she recommends the oxygen mask. She pumps your face full of O2, and you come home
feeling beautiful for the first time
in your life. You go to bed,
completely relaxed. You sleep through the night,
no scaries. You’re in such deep REM that you
don’t even feel a spider crawl into one of your recently
hydrated pores, and lay her eggs
in your oxygen-rich cheek. Spiders just laid eggs
under your skin. Myth, spider mothers are
very protective of their babies, and would never leave
the eggs unattended. Fact, if a spider
is a teen mom, it’s much more likely
that it will leave her babies, overwhelmed by the
responsibilities of motherhood. Myth, baby spiders’ teeth
are too thin to ever break through
human skin and crawl out. Fact, our nation pumps
our water supply with fluoride. A mother spider falls into a basin
of fluoride-potent water moments before dropping her eggs
into a cut in your skin. That fluoride seeps
into the spider eggs, and the spider children are born
with a full set of human teeth. Let’s say you don’t have
any scratches. Your body is
an immaculate temple. You cover it in lotion
on an hourly basis. But people are jealous. They make fun of you
for being a square, for not taking any risks. You know you shouldn’t let them
get to you, but they do. Desperate to prove
that you’re a wild man, you color your hair green. It’s November,
wolf spider mating season, and wolf spiders are attracted
to the color green. That night,
they swarm your hair, use it as a spider orgy
bacchanal. The males beat
their bellies like drums. The females
lay their eggs everywhere, especially your ears. Come December,
you’re celebrating Christmas with your new family, spiders. Let’s say you live in the one
place uninhabited by spiders, Antarctica. You haven’t seen a spider in
years, much less a human being. Desperate for attention,
you invite a friend to visit. All expenses paid. You can do it,
you’re a scientist and you make
a billion dollars a year. Mm-hmm (affirmative). Your friend arrives,
he’s an ax thrower. Very cool friend, congrats. He wants to impress you, so he
brings you a handcrafted ax, made from the wood
in his forest. You spend the evening happier
than you’ve been in months. You laugh, you reminisce,
you throw the ax around, and nobody gets hurt
because he’s a professional, and you’re a scientist
with laser-like aim. That night, you go to bed
holding the ax close to your chest.
Right as you doze off, out of the ax crawls
a pack of baby wood spiders. They love wood, it’s where
they live, hence the name. But spiders aren’t used to being
in Antarctica, so they’re freezing. Desperate for warmth,
they crawl in all of your holes: face, belly button,
your little butthole. The next morning, you wake up. Turns out, your body
is 80% spiders. So yes, spiders can lay eggs
in your skin. It’s just a matter of
when and how. I’m expert Natasha Vaynblat. And I’m arachnid expert
Gus Johnson. And your worst fear
has been confirmed. How do I get out of here? I’m not sure,
I’ve always been here.

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