Desperately Seeking Semen | Sex Map of Britain


I don’t know if that’s going to be
high enough, though. Right, Charlene, get this
show on the road! OFF-SCREEN: Why are you wearing
gloves? Just because I don’t really
want to touch it. Didn’t even think it’d be, like,
that much! Only a little bit. I thought it would, like, halfway at
least fill the cup. Are you ready? Yes! Ow! Jesus Christ! Are you going all the
way up to my stomach, or what? THEY LAUGH It’s just weird. I’m not used to having that
stuff going up there. My dad thought that if I was with a
girl, he wouldn’t be able to have grandchildren, but I told him,
“Well, there’s other ways.” I think some people think
it’s wrong, but… at the end of the day, it’s
up to us, isn’t it? Yeah. We want to be a family, and we
just want a baby, don’t we? We’re looking for sperm donors. We want someone white, with blue
eyes, about 25-35. We don’t just want any
old sperms, do we? Um… Looking for slim, tall… Or they can be like, they don’t have
to be like, really slim, do they? No, just, we don’t want someone
that’s fat. Not overweight. Yeah. “Hi all, I’m available with short
notice, and offering free donations “to ladies who wish to become
pregnant quickly. Successes with
the older lady.” We want people who’ve,
like, already donated. Just because, then, you know
that they’re fertile, really. A lot of people only really ask for
payment for travel costs, but a lot of them don’t have
pictures, so that’s a bit,
like…worrying. I know, and a lot of them have fake
names as well, like Steve Jones. Yeah. I don’t believe that
that’s a real name. I like the idea of leaving a legacy
in the world. I don’t think I have any particular
creative talents. So, the only other way is to
have children. Currently, I have 59 donor
babies. Seven on the way. My wife doesn’t know
anything about it. OFF-SCREEN: So, your wife
doesn’t know? My wife doesn’t know, no. To find
out your husband’s not got six
children any more, he’s got, er, way over 60,
be disastrous, really. It’s just a secret I’ve
got to take to the grave. Sometimes it’s somebody’s home,
sometimes it’s a hotel, sometimes, on railway stations, er,
pub toilets have been used. McDonald’s. Costa Coffee. It really has varied over the years. It’s donation day! So, yeah,
let’s go make it happen. It’s going to be awesome. For me, having lots of me’s
running round is great. You’ve got a better chance
of genetic survival. But there’s also that
idea that, well, if you have, you know, decent genes,
and you can pass on a gift that doesn’t really cost you too much
overall, then why not? Why not? Shoes? Er, no, it’s all right. So, this is the sterile cup and a
phone. Yeah. Ha-ha-ha. OFF-SCREEN: All right. Use
your imagination! See you in a jiffy! He-he-he! Instead of buying, like, a human artificial insemination kit, she bought a dog-breeder one! I didn’t know, obviously, but… like, it had all these weird bits
in it. Like, it’s got that! SHE LAUGHS That, I was like, “Where do you
stick that?” He-he-he-he-he. BOTH LAUGH We’ve wrote a list of everything
that we need to buy, and we’re excited to go shopping,
though, and buy all the stuff,
aren’t we? Mmm. And we know it’s going to
be hard, but… we think, together, we can do it. OFF-SCREEN: So, you know what you’re
doing? We think we know what we’re
doing. Yeah, we think so! It’s mad, innit? Here you go. Thank you. Thank you! Thank you both. Right, I’ll… ..see myself out, if you want. I’ll
see you out. No, it’s fine. All right. Thank you for coming! Bye! See you later. It’s nice helping people out,
so, you know… I’ve completely reassured
the couple that, you know, I’ll stick by them until
it happens, so… You know, if not this time, then
we’ll try again next month, and we’ll just make sure,
you know, we’re accurate, we’re doing everything we can, um, to, you know, to hedge those
bets, to make it happen. And, er, when I opened the door,
that was it, and there was… OFF-SCREEN: What did you think
when she opened the door? Er… “How did I get so lucky?”
That’s what I thought. Cos she was gorgeous. We went in the bedroom, give her
a massage, and there you go. Trademark manoeuvre. Cos I’m really overthinking
about things. Yeah. Why do you think I’m
so stressy lately? I think… Now, now… Like, any slight
thing that feels like it’s… So, there’s a lot of people on,
like, sperm donation groups that decide that they’ll give
someone, you know, the help with AI. AI’s artificial insemination, where you do it through
like a turkey baster method. They’ll turn up, and they’ll
push for NI, which is a natural insemination,
so basic sex. A handful of them that are on
there, specifically, are trying a challenge to see if they
can turn a lesbian straight. Yeah, there’s a lot
of that, isn’t there? “It’s just because you haven’t
had it off a proper bloke,” and it’s like someone’s saying, “But this gherkin’s longer
than the other one.” I’m still not going to
go for that gherkin! You know what I mean?! It’s been going on for quite
a few…quite a while. Well, we did one one month, and it
was like a first-time success,
wasn’t it? Yeah. And then… It worked,
and… ..we lost her. I think giving her
a name helped us… OFF-SCREEN: What was her name? ..through the grieving. Er,
Frankie May is what we named her. And… It’d be four months or
summat by now, wouldn’t it? Four,
five month? Yeah. It would have been about
four, five months now. We cried for… I didn’t want to sleep. I didn’t want to eat,
I didn’t want to drink. I didn’t want a fag,
I didn’t want anything. I just wanted to spend my waking
and going to sleep days in my bed. Yeah. It took us a while to actually
talk about it together. And then we got to a point in life
again where we was like, “Yeah, we’re ready to try again.” The reason that I wanted to become
a donor was to help people… Particularly, um,
same-sex, lesbian couples. Clinics do exist that claim
to help these women, they’ll offer to help them,
but it comes at quite a high cost. I’ve heard it can
run into the thousands. I think they’re taking advantage
of a women’s desire to be a mother, and I think that’s really
morally wrong. I only ask for the petrol money
so I’m not majorly out of pocket. Hiya. Hi, you all right? Do you
want to come in? Oh, yeah, thanks. OFF-SCREEN: Do you use a magazine or
anything like that, or…? No, no, I don’t feel the need. I don’t think there’s any
need for that. OFF—SCREEN: Just… I’ve got the
internet on my phone, so… So, this is just the part
where we just get Chelsea ready for the insemination. You end up like that! That’s how you,
that’s your position. Long as me legs are in the air,
you’re pretty much good to go! Actually finding somebody that is… ..so close to the, the
characteristics of myself, is… We couldn’t have asked for anything,
anything more perfect, really, because it’s going to have your
characteristics cos you’re the one
that’s going to be carrying them. Yeah. And the way I feel,
personally, myself, is the fact
that… I’m going to get all the maternal
instincts – pregnancy and labour.
Yeah. But if I went with a donor that
had bright blonde hair and bright blue eyes, and we had
this blonde-haired, blue-eyed baby, and we’re walking down the street, we’d just kind of look like a bit
of a mismatch, don’t we? We don’t want that. Is he, is he…? I think he’s
ready, I think we’re good. Yeah. So, we’ve got that there. It’s just your typical
oral medicine syringe, with your basic plunger,
10mg syringe. Dead easy. See if we can do this, with
our remaining decency! You can damage the sperm if you do
it too quick, or if you shake
the vial too much. You ready? Yeah. Considering it’s just come out of
the male body, it’s quite cold. It actually is. Sorted? All sorted. And then you stay like this for
half an hour! Yeah. You watch your programmes,
you go on your Facebook, you do whatever you like, you
update, and that’s it, isn’t it?
And, yeah. Pretty much go from there. Yeah! So… So, by half past two
you’ll be able to move. Yeah. You’ve got to wait till
half past two. He’s using the petrol to get here, he has to use the petrol to get
back, plus his time. The way I’ve worked out is £10
here, £10 back, £10 for your time. £30, £50, you know what I mean,
like, for a family? Oh, eh, you know what I mean? That’s
cheap. That’s cheap. Yeah. She is my baby. Aren’t you? DOG BARKS Oi! Ha-ha! Be good, Harry. It’s him I’m
worried about. OK. He’s nasty! In the morning, she didn’t tell me
why she was upset. She just seemed a bit down, downer than usual, and then I was
like, um, “What’s wrong?” And then she’s like, “Well, I came “on my period, so that means
there’s no baby.” It felt… I dunno, it just like, there were
loads of things running through my
head, like… maybe I couldn’t have kids,
and stuff like that. I know it was only the first
time, but I thought… I thought it’d happen the
first time, so I was really upset. We got our hopes up a bit too much.
Mmm. So it’s a really big let-down. TOILET FLUSHES Oh! Now we’ve gotta wait.
We have a little flasher. Still got the, the loading sign
up at the moment, so… ..give it another couple of minutes
and it should…should work. Ooh! That’s a lot better. LAUGHTER It says, “Pregnant, 2-3 weeks.” THEY LAUGH Ah, wicked! You know, I just can’t
stop grinning, you know what I mean? Like, I’m really so ready
for this, it’s unreal. Ah! I was a twat of a child,
a really bad twat of a child, and I think you go through all them
emotions that every single parent says, which is, “I don’t
want them growing up like I did.” And… I really do, I want
them to do really well. I want them to do so much better
than I have done in life. I couldn’t really stress it
enough, like, how much I really do
want them, you know what I mean, like? I just, I, I…emotionally, just really, really, really want that,
that chance, really. To get that pregnancy test result
and know that I’m going to be a father again with this couple,
it’s an indescribable feeling. Happiness, um…pride. You know? It’s an indescribable feeling. Which side shall we…?
Ah! It’s fallen out. Yeah. Yeah. Has he replied? He usually
replies straightaway. No. Why’s he not picking up, now? He’s there. Oh, God. Run! I can’t run, can I? Thank you, right. I’m scared we’re not going to make
it, but I think we will. So, I’ve got to put this
between my legs. Oh, my God, the… Ha-ha-ha! Be just our luck. OFF-SCREEN: Oh! Ah! No! Oh-ho-ho! Oh, my God. Nearly had a heart
attack, Jody. So did I! I was like,
“We’re not going to make it.” Oh, no! Here? Well, where else
you want me to go? This is fucking ridiculous…
There’s someone in that car, there. If he sees, he’s going to be like,
“What is that?” I need you to pull my trousers down!
Are your hips right up? No. I’ve still got it in between
my legs anyway, so… Oh! I’m stuck. 15 minutes, I think. This better work. Ow. Ha-ha! Jesus! You don’t
mess about today, do you?! Ow. SHE LAUGHS It’s done! Is it? Woo!
Oh… We did it! It was a race, but we did it. We’ve gotta stay like this
for about 15 minutes. Eurgh! It was, like, that much. But I read somewhere it was meant
to be like…that much, remember? Five, five. Yeah, five, yeah. Hopefully we won’t have to do
this again, then. It will be worth it, hopefully. You make a promise to a recipient
to help them get pregnant, and you have to stick with it. They’ve invested their hopes in you. You give them your word you’ll keep
with them until you succeed. Honesty’s so important in an
arrangement like this. However, with social media, you can effectively cut someone
out of your life. You can just block them,
and that’s it. So, er, people can behave
however they want to, because there’s no consequences. Garry is not answering our
messages and stuff like that, and…an admin on one of the pages
on Facebook contacted us and asked um, if we had a donor called Garry,
and we was like, “Yeah, why?” Then they told us that he’d been
with some other women, donating, asking for NI only. Yeah. And they didn’t, and they wanted
AI, didn’t they? Yeah. So, we was really shocked. “North West NI baby dance
donor”, means sex. We got lucky with our donor, because he genuinely wants to help,
to make sure that, you know, people who generally couldn’t have
kids otherwise, gets their dreams. But then there’s some people out
there that are in it for self-gain. They’re doing it so
they can get sex. You know, there’s, there is
very, very nasty roots, spawning off summat that’s
really, really beautiful.

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