Some of you may or may not
know I have a new job, this is great. Thank you very much, thank you. So, so that’s fun. Phoned my grandmother to
tell her the good news, which was really cool I don’t think she understood
what was going on, but still she was happy. Phoned my Gran, she was
on the the phone like, I was like, Granny I am going
to be on the Daily Show. She was like, “Woo, Trevor” “I’m so happy for you.” “You got a job.” I said, “No, no, Gogo.” “No, I already had a job Gogo.” “I already had a job.” She is like, “No, you didn’t.” “Did you have an office?” I said, “No” She’s like, “then it wasn’t a job.” “Well done Trevor.” My mom was a bit better. I phoned her, she was on the ball. You know, she was really excited for me, and to give you a bit of a back-story I have two younger brothers, right. I have a, one brother is
9 years younger than me. and then the youngest is
20 years younger than me. And so, the youngest one who’s 11 just became head boy of his school. He is the head prefect
at his school, right. Yeah so, no, no,
please don’t this is my show, you don’t clap for him. Please, they didn’t clap
for me at his, please. I work hard for my applause,
please guys. So anyway, so I phoned,
so I phoned my mom. So I phoned my mom to tell her
my good news, my good news. and I am on the phone and I’m
like, “Mom, this just happened” and she’s like, “Oh baby
I am so happy for you” “Oh, this is so wonderful,
oh my son I am so happy” “this is so great, Oh, and did you
hear what happened with your brother?” “He became head boy at his school” “Oh, I am so happy. Both my
boys are doing big things.” And I was like, “Yeah.” “Some things are bigger than others.” She’s like, “No baby, it’s all the same to me” “It’s all the same.” I was like, “You say that
but I mean you know, ha-ha.” “I mean you know, if
you had to choose.” She’s like, “okay fine, fine.” “I’ll be honest.” “You where never a prefect, so” “Dammit!” That’s when I wish I had a
physical phone, you know. That’s when I wish I had a land-line. I have those land-line moments in my life
where I wish I had an old school phone So I could slam it down. Young people will never know the joy Of slamming the phone at the end of a call.
Cellphones have robbed us of that. That feeling where you get to
tell the person, “Screw You!” *Slamming the phone down* Ah, it feels so good. They
feel it on the other end like, “Agh!” It’s like you punched
them in the ear. Now with phones you are robbed of all of that. There’s no sense of power, “Screw you!” *Pushing button* That’s all you have. And you
can’t even press the screen hard because you are scared
you’ll crack your own phone. *Pushing button* I hate cellphones so much. I think they are robbing
us of our intelligence. I honestly believe cellphones
are going to be the reason That human beings devolve. We are going back to the stone
ages because of those things. Everything about them are
turning us into apes again. Neanderthals. I was looking at my
thumbs the other day. I spend so much time texting
and sending messages That I feel like they have started
curling over, like monkey hands. I’ve gotten really good at
typing and grabbing branches. Everything about those phones. Is robbing us of our humanity. We were proud because we evolved.
We stand, we walk tall. And then we got our phones and now
every day we spend like this. And over time we are gonna go back. Down. Have you tried to have a conversation
with someone on their phone? Literally sounds like a caveman. *Sound of a caveman* We’ve lost it. We don’t know
how to communicate anymore. Now we use those emoji’s.
For everything. Emoji, emoji, emoji, emoji. No one even uses words. Sent a paragraph to your friend, “Had a
great day, did this. It was so funny!” They reply.
*Smiley face emoji* And did you hear she died? *Sad face emoji* That’s it? No words? Emoji’s are basically the
cave drawings of 2015. Yeah, we judged cave men. We think they were primitive
because we couldn’t find any words in their pictures. Someone’s gonna think
the same thing of us. The way we look at cave men and go,
“Oh, look at them, they couldn’t write” “Oh, the cave man, he was so simple.” “And he was hunting, and
he had a family. Aww.” “Simple.” Someone’s gonna see our
messages in a thousand years. And be like, “Oh, look at that.
Oh, the people of 2015, simple. Aww” “Yeah, look at that. They
laughed and they cried. Hmm.” “Sometimes they laughed until they cried.” “Some of them where
blind in one eye, yea.” “But that didn’t stop
them from having fun.” *crazy face emoji* “Aww” “And there were monkeys
that didn’t talk.” “Monkeys that didn’t listen.” “And they were always dancing
in red dresses, aww.” “2015, a simple time.” We don’t communicate anymore. We got our emoji’s. Phones
are making us dumb. I fear most for woman, the most
intelligent of our species. I fear for you, I fear ladies. I fear for what the
“selfie” has done to you. Women are obsessed with selfies. The average woman spends 50% of her day thinking
about when she can take the next selfie. That’s all she’s thinking about.
“Oh, let’s take a selfie. “Oh, let’s take a selfie. Can we take
a selfie now? Let’s take a selfie.” “Take a selfie of me taking
a selfie of you, Ahhh.” “Oh, this is great. Selfie-ception.
I love it.” Everyone’s just in there.
Selfie, selfie, selfie. And you know what’s fine?
The pictures look great. On Instagram, “like my
picture, like my picture.” Yea, it looks normal. But have you seen what
it looks like when someone makes a selfie? It is the creepiest thing you
have ever seen in your life. A normal woman sitting by herself, having
lunch. Doing whatever she’s doing. And all of the sudden she
will look at her phone. And something in her head goes weird. And she transforms
into a selfie monster. She’ll literally just be there, looking at her phone. Going
through stuff. And all of the sudden she’s like, “I just randomly took a picture.” “Caught off guard.” #IwokeUpLikeThis #NoYouDidn’t,