Full Episode: The Warning Signs Of Narcissists: Are They In Your Life? | The Mel Robbins Show

Full Episode: The Warning Signs Of Narcissists: Are They In Your Life? | The Mel Robbins Show


– Today on Mel, is a narcissist wreaking
havoc in your life? – All she did was take, take, take. – Do you know what signs to look for? That was a not a statement that made you running for the exit sign? Five major red flags you can’t ignore. Get out, girl. Today on Mel. (bright music) – Five, four, three, two, one!
(bright music) (audience cheering) – Hi, everybody! How are you? Hi! Hi, everybody. (laughs)
(audience cheers) Hi, how are you? I’m so excited that you’re here. In my online courses, bestselling books, and social media channels. I’ve taught millions of people
to change how they think, and that’s why I love the quote today. “If they never ask how you
are, it’s called narcissism.” Oh, I heard a wow. (audience laughs) There’s gonna be a lot of wows today. Do you have someone in your life that’s so self-absorbed, self-centered, or self-serving
that no matter what you do, they never ask how you are? Maybe you’re dealing with a narcissist. Or, maybe you are the narcissist
and you don’t know it. (audience chuckles) Today, I’m revealing
the five warning signs you need to know before a narcissist wreaks havoc in your life. Now, this is a serious topic, just ask Jule, Gerald, and Tasha. Watch this. – This guy thought he was
God’s gift to the world. He talked about himself all the time. – My ex girl thought the
world owed her something. All she did was take, take, take, and she didn’t care who she hurt. – Dating a narcissist totally
destroyed my self-esteem and really poisoned my soul. – I was constantly being used, abused, and burned at every turn. – He was obsessed with being famous and thought everything was about him. – She looked me dead in my eye and lied and think nothing of it. – When I first met my
ex, he was so charming, outgoing, charismatic. Come to find out, he’s really a manipulative, calculating, self-absorbed jerk. – When something didn’t
revolve around him, he got controlling and acted ugly. – I want to believe the best in people, so I gave her many chances. I kept hoping that she would
change, but she didn’t. – I’m not gonna lie. His temper kind of scared me. – Just thinking about him makes me angry. I realize now it was abuse. – It’s overwhelming. Physically, mentally, emotionally. The damage has been done. (dramatic music) – You know, the question for
me is can the damage be undone? And that’s what we’re talking about, so here are the five signs that you’re dealing with a narcissist, and the first big sign is that a narcissist always needs to
be the center of attention. Now, Tasha, you have a pattern
of dating men like this. Can you walk me through the
last person that you dated that was like this? – Right, well, he always wanted
everything to be about him. He was the center of attention, and our first date was
actually at the beach, and it started raining, unfortunately, and he took his shirt
off and just wanted– – In the rain?
– To show off in the rain, and just wanted to show
off his muscles, I guess? And that just rubbed me the wrong way. I was like, okay, but I don’t know. I decided to go on another date, and that’s when we went to brunch, and he swore up and down
everyone was staring at us, and I’m like maybe they
just like our outfits, and he’s like, no, it’s our star power. – Star power? – Yeah, mind you, we’re not famous. (audience laughing) – Well, you know, here’s
what you need to know about a narcissist, is it drives them crazy when they are trying to
grab the center of attention and they don’t get it, and you had experience
with this, didn’t you? – Right, we were together all day one day and I had other plans, so I just asked him to take me home, and he was not happy when I did that. He actually decided to lock the car door and try to continue and force me to continue the conversation with him, and I was like, oh no,
we’re not about to do this. I had to get out the car and
we just never spoke after that. – He locked the car door? – Yeah, then he just keep asking, are you gonna call me after?
Are you gonna let me know? Mind you, we were just
getting to know each other and he was already being so controlling, and I was just like, no, I can’t do this. – Well, the good news is, though, is that you got out of the relationship. – Right.
– And that’s one thing that I think we all
need to learn from you, which is when they see the signs, holy cow, recognize them and that’s why we’re talking about it. And the second sign to look out for when it comes to a narcissist, is a narcissist has zero
interest in your life. How do you know? Well, they don’t ask you any questions, they can’t hear you when you’re talking, and they tend to dominate
every conversation by turning it back to them, and Jule, I know you can relate to this. Can you help us understand what this feels like when it happens? – Definitely, so the
first date that I went on with this particular person, he completely monopolized
the entire conversation, and I kind of went with
it because I figured maybe he was nervous
or anxious or awkward. So, he did apologize for it, and I accepted the apology and
just chalked it up to that, but every other date and conversation was the same exact way. It was always about him, and when I would say anything about myself or about my life, it would be very brief
and then glossed over, and then moving on to him again. – I see Tasha shaking her head. Does this sound familiar? – Very. We were having a regular conversation, more like he was talking, and he was just going,
and going, and going, and he’s like, wait, I actually don’t like
talking about myself, and then kept talking about himself. (audience laughing) So… – And the third warning sign, narcissists have an extreme
sense of entitlement. This is the person that
shows up at your house, expects to be waited on, doesn’t help, never pays the bill, the kind of person that
makes you feel like you’re being used, and Gerald, you’ve had
run-ins with people like this. – Yes. I tend to gravitate towards
women that do that– – Uh-oh.
– For some reason. I think that I am an empath, so I tend to give a lot, so this particular girl that I dated, she wanted to go to a concert, and so I got the tickets for the concert, I bought the dinner. You know, the whole date thing. Took her to the concert,
got her in the door. You know, it was a friend of mine, so I got the VIP treatment. As soon as she got in
the door, she was out. She was like, abandoned me completely. It was always like one-sided. I’d always be giving,
giving, giving, giving, and sometimes, you can’t give on empty. I used to always help, so
she would stay at my house, but never clean, never do anything. Her dog came to my house
and I watched the dog for a little while, and when I was gone, the dog
chewed through the furniture. To her, it was just like, well, you should have put the dog in the cage, and I was like, it’s your dog. You could have put the dog in the cage. – So, she’s blaming you? – She blamed me.
– For the fact, and this isn’t the first time that somebody’s blamed you
for something that you’ve done out of kindness.
– Right, what I had to learn is that this is a pattern and
I need to check the pattern and understand it and move on, and move forward.
– Yes, yes, that’s why we’re talking about the signs, and I want to introduce
an expert in this field, clinical psychologist
and author of this book, which is awesome, “Should
I Stay or Should I Go? “Surviving a Relationship
with a Narcissist.” She also has a new book
coming out in October on the same topic, Dr. Ramani Durvasula. Are narcissists born or are they made? – They’re more made than born. One would argue there’s a little bit of a difficult temperament they probably come into the world with, but they’re mostly made. It’s considered what we
call an attachment disorder. It has a lot to do with early
relationships with caregivers, and often it’s a child
who’s both overindulged and under-indulged, so they got whatever they
wanted, like, materially, but their emotional needs weren’t met. So, sort of like you’re
getting straight A’s? Love ya. But as soon as that child
wants to talk about a feeling, there was no parent anywhere to be found. So, that combination of, it’s not like the parents were off-watch, it was more that they weren’t
feeding those emotional needs, so it’s definitely something that’s made. – We’ve talked about three of the signs and is there a particular
personality trait that makes you a narcissist or you’re more prone to tendencies? – There’s a lot of them. That sense of entitlement, they blame other people, they cheat, they abuse other people, they manipulate other people,
and it comes naturally. They’re natural liars, and it’s not even like
they’re lairs in any other way but to protect themselves. Like, they don’t want the
world to know, really, what they’re about, and they’re very grandiose. Tasha, your story is very
much about that grandiosity. We’re the star couple,
look at me, I’m so great. You know, that complete unwillingness to see another human being, completely unplugged into their feelings, so they definitely have their own hype. – And is there a personality
type that is susceptible? – Yeah.
– And, okay, tell us, please. – Sweet, kind, good, loyal people who like to be pleasers, who like to fix things, rescuers. Like some people rescue puppies, some others rescue people, and they’re definitely an
easy mark for narcissists. Many other people would say uh-uh, I’m not doing this, but the fact is we’re
socialized on the fairy tale, aren’t we?
– Yes. – I’m going to love the beast, and the best is gonna turn into a prince. That does not happen in real life. (audience applauding) – Did you see how emphatic she just got? Absolutely, I agree with you. Next, we’re revealing
the calculated behavior narcissists do all the time and why you should worry about it. We’ll be right back. (audience applauding)
(bright music) Next. So, what does it feel like
to be in your own life and feel like you just
don’t know what reality is? – It’s very lonely, because what people see
is not what’s going on. – And later. When is it time to end a friendship? Do you want to be friends with her? See, people come into
your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I’m glad this happened. You just got a little emotional. – Yeah. (bright music)
(audience applauding) – Welcome back, I’m Mel Robbins. We’re talking about narcissists
and the five warning signs that you’re dealing with one. Dr. Ramani is here to help, and we’re gonna talk to
Tanya in just a moment, but first, Dr. Ramani, just how damaging can it be if you’re living with a narcissist? – It’s incredibly damaging. I want you to imagine
that you have a house, and that house is sort of next to a place that’s putting out toxic fumes. Odds are the next day or the next hour, you’d pack your stuff
up and get out of there, and I would put this on that level, that you’re living with someone where it’s constantly destabilizing. You’re constantly being criticized. You’re never being noticed, and you’re always
second-guessing yourself. It actually takes an
incredible toll over time. After years of this, I’ve worked with clients who stayed in these relationships for 40-plus years, and they are a shell of themselves. They have no idea of their
potential, of their beauty, of their strength,
because hour after hour, day after day, year after year, they were told that they were nothing or they were manipulated. That is no way to live. – Wow. You know, I have a couple friends that have gotten out of
relationships like this, and they keep saying I
felt like I was going nuts. – Absolutely. I mean, that’s the universal feeling here, and it’s that idea of feeling
like you’re going nuts when you’re like, usually, I’m good. Like, I’m at work, I
could get things done, I’ve got friends, but in this one space, so then it starts to seep
into everything, right? Like when you get sick, you get a cold, and then before you know
it, you got bronchitis, and everything else is going wrong. It’s this seed that gets planted, and then everything else in your life starts getting destroyed. The longer you stay,
the greater the damage. – Well, and that brings us
to the fourth warning sign, which is gaslighting. And so can you explain
what what gaslighting is and where the term came from? – So, gaslighting is when you doubt a person’s reality, okay? So, you say things to them that make them question their own reality. It actually comes from a 1930s play and then a movie that got us this idea where there was this guy, he lived in a house with his wife, and there were gaslights in the old times, and he would keep turning
the gaslights up and down, and she’d say, hey, did you
change the level of the light? He’d say, I never change
the level of the light, and then over time, she
goes completely mad. So, they constantly shape-shift. They constantly move the goalposts. They make you doubt your reality. Gaslighting is emotional abuse. – And Tanya, you say that you recently got out of a relationship
where this was happening. Can you tell me about what was going on? – The gaslighting is like
you are losing your mind. It’s like you’re going crazy. Situation, came home from one night, and I smelled his shirt, and was like it doesn’t
smell like his cologne, it doesn’t smell like soap. Is that perfume? When I questioned him, he denied it, but it was a constant I
was wrong, he was right, and that was always
one of his sayings was, even when I’m wrong, I’m right. – Now, I understand it got
so bad that you felt like you had to record conversations? – I was struggling with finding
what was really going on. It was like, nobody’s gonnna believe me, so I recorded the conversations. – I can see that this is still… So, you know, the thing
that really struck me was when you talked about how
there were areas of your life, Doctor, where you feel like
you’re in total control, and then you go back into the home, and you’re like, what is happening? Is that how you felt? – Oh, yeah. It’s very lonely. – And what’s the effect,
even though you’re out of it, on your life right now? – Self-doubt. – Well, with your help, we’ve
assembled five catchphrases that narcissists use
when they’re gaslighting, and I gonna read them, and
we’re gonna put ’em up, and I want you to kind of let me know if this sounds familiar. I was just joking. You’re imagining things. You’re upset over nothing. I never said that. You’re so sensitive. – [Tanya] Always insecure. – Yeah, picking, picking, picking. What’s the difference, Doctor, between being a narcissist
and just being a toxic person? – There’s a lot of overlap. I would say all narcissists are toxic. That goes without saying. I think there are some people out there who are toxic because maybe they hold opinions you don’t like, but when it comes down to brass tacks, they’re there for you. They would never pull
the gaslighting on you. They would never be manipulative, so they’re not dark in that way, but they’re kind of jerks,
that could make someone toxic, but at the core of it, they’re not lacking those things that make a good person a good person. But by and large, when
I hear toxic person, 99% of the time, it really
overlaps with narcissism. I’ve pretty rarely seen that sort of good-natured toxic person, so… (audience laughs) – I mean, you do a show like this and you start researching it, and you go, oh my God, I’m a narcissist! Or I’m with a narcissist, so if you have a tendency that’s different than being somebody that’s at the other end of the spectrum, like if you have a tendency
and you wanna work on it, that’s a sign that
you’re not a narcissist? I mean, I’m like sitting here, give me a lifeline, dear God. – Yeah, so here’s the thing. I get emails every day from people who say I’m a narcissist, this isn’t cool. I’ll be honest with you, I
don’t care about other people. I just don’t care. Really, I do prefer putting me first, but I am not capable of getting
into a healthy relationship. So, something’s not right here. Someday I want normal stuff. I want a partner, I want kids. I’ve worked with those people clinically. I’ll be honest with you. If this is healthy and
this is where they start, I’ll get ’em to here. Still ain’t here. I mean, there’s really
not a lot of motion here, at least in terms of relationships. Can I get ’em so they’ll show up on time and send a thank-you card? Sure, we can get ’em there. Is that enough? Is it enough for you that
someone shows up on time but still gaslights? Is it enough for you–
– Hell no. – And so I think that’s
what gets challenging is that these folks’ll even
say this is really hard for me. It’s like flexing a muscle
you don’t really have, and so it’s a challenge for them, too. And they are deeply insecure. Remember, narcissists are
deeply insecure people. It’s a heck of a way to
have to go through life. It’s why they brag so much. When someone comes up to you and starts bragging about themselves, why would a person who’s secure do that? If I know I know what I know, I don’t need to tell you about it. (audience applauding) – We do have one more
thing we need to tell you, because when we come back, the number-one sign a narcissist is wreaking havoc in your life, and it will shake you, but don’t worry, I’ve got the tip to save your sanity. We’ll be right back. (audience applauding)
(bright music) Up next… What do you do if it’s family? – You gotta stop being shocked. When your drunk aunt shows up to Thanksgiving 30 years drunk, why are you shocked on the 31st year when girlfriend shows up drunk? – [Mel] And later, do you
need my help getting unstuck? – Well, I’m a Libra, so we’re
known to be very indecisive. – I’m a Libra. I am not indecisive. (bright music)
(audience cheering) Welcome back. Earlier in the show,
I read you this quote. “If they never ask how you
are, it’s called narcissism.” Now, we’ve been counting
down the five warning signs you’re dealing with a narcissist, and the last is the most important sign. A narcissist has a
complete lack of empathy. So, Dr. Ramani, can you describe empathy and why narcissists lack it? – So, empathy is a capacity and a desire to understand the
emotions of someone else, to take note of them,
and to respond to them. But it also requires a
person to be self-reflective and be aware of how they
impact other people, okay? So, not only do I care
about your emotions, I’m aware how I’m impacting you because I can look inwards. So, it’s almost like a two-way street. – And why is not having that so dangerous? – I mean, think about what it
is. I always give the analogy, it’s like walking up to a mirror. – Okay. – And you look in it and you
don’t see your own reflection, so when I look at you, you’re nodding, you’re making
eye contact every so often, you’re smiling, you’re frowning. You’re hearing me. Our brains are actually wired for empathy. There’s neurons in our brain that are the section of our brain that’s really designed to
have this back-and-forth. We need this as people. For whatever reason, this did not fully and well develop in people who are narcissistic or who have those kinds of traits, and so they don’t do it, and it makes you inefficient. If I stop to worry about
you, Mel, and I’m like, oh, is Mel okay? That’s gonna slow me down
to go do something else. So, you can get it if you’re
competitive and go-go-go. Empathy starts feeling
like a waste of time. We don’t value it in our society. – Because of the lack of empathy, how do you deal with a narcissist? ‘Cause when you did that
thing where you talked about, okay, if somebody comes into my office and they say they’re a narcissist and they want to work on it, I can kind of get ’em here, that’s scary. And so, if you’re dealing
with a narcissist, what do you do? – I say if you know, once it’s pretty clear you’re
dealing with a narcissist, don’t personalize it. This is about them. This is them; this is their stuff. But the tendency is, well, if they’re not showing me empathy, maybe there’s something wrong with me. – Well, especially if narcissists
are attracted to people that are givers, like your tendency is
to be like, oh my God, I’m a people-pleaser,
what’s wrong with me? What if it’s a family member? Because, you know, I think about the fact that I have a family member. I can spend two years, ask tons of questions about your life, your business, your kids,
everything going on. Not one question back, and then of course, being the person I am, I’m like, should I even be concerned about that? I mean, you know, does
that make me a narcissist if I’m mad that they’re
not asking me a question? What do you do if it’s family? – If it’s family, I mean, it’s very real, because you feel like I can’t divorce my mom
kind of thing, right? – Mom, we’re not talking about you. – No, no, I’m lucky I don’t
have a narcissistic mom, or it’s a sibling or something like that. You may even feel like I’m
willing to divorce my sister, but I want to see Mom and Mom wants all of us together, right? So, it’s a package deal. A lot of this comes down to setting really realistic expectations. Once your expectations are realistic, then you know, Mel, when you
talk to that family member, that person’s only gonna
talk about themselves. That’s it. And so you’re prepared for that. It’s almost like watching a movie. Movie’s not gonna talk back at you, so bring some popcorn to the conversation and just listen to what they’re saying? It’s the them show. – You know what actually
helped me a lot in this is that I think when you don’t
have a word to describe it, that you take it personally. Or you become really judgey. – Yes.
– When you started to explain it, that this is formed in childhood because somebody didn’t get
what they needed emotionally, and so in their development
this got locked in, it allows me to bring my
superpower, which is empathy, and I can look at the them
show and go, okay, here we go, I’ve got my popcorn, and I’m sad for them, because they don’t even know. Some of them, let’s face it, the word I want to say,
they would bleep out, dangerous and destructive but there’re probably
some that have no clue. – They have no clue, and several people were talking
earlier on in the panel. They were talking about I
was surprised, I was shocked. You gotta remember, being
surprised, being shocked, it takes energy. You gotta stopped being shocked. You know, like, when your drunk aunt shows up to Thanksgiving 30 years drunk, why are you shocked on the 31st year when girlfriend shows up drunk? Like, it’s the same thing. – That’s absolutely true, and it sounds like the only
advice is once you identify, you leave if it’s a relationship– – If you can.
– But if it’s a family member you get the popcorn out,
you feel a little empathy, and you’re not surprised. – Yeah, but you can’t be surprised. You gotta keep it real. You gotta engage in radical acceptance. This is the situation, and this could even be a person who’s married in this circumstance. They can’t leave for
any number of reasons. I know many people who
stay married longterm with narcissists, but they try to figure the workarounds and maintain those expectations. – Get out, girl. Or guy!
(audience applauds) That’s what I’m saying. All right, Dr. Ramani,
thank you for being here and shedding light on this topic. You have to come back when
your new book comes out. America needs your work. When we come back, I have a
wake-up call for this audience and it starts with one of
my favorite household items, a sticky note. Stay with us, we’ll be right back. (audience cheering)
(bright music) Next, when is it time to end a friendship? Do you want to be friends with her? What hit you about this note to self? – I shouldn’t mirror the
behavior that I’ve been shown. – [Mel] And later, do you
need my help getting unstuck? – So, I feel like I’m
always stuck in my head. Like, I think I should just
kind of commit to a decision. – I have a coin right here. How nervous are you? – Very.
– I mean, we’re relying on a coin here. (bright music)
(audience cheering) – Welcome back. I’m Mel Robbins and I love a sticky note, because they’re the cheapest
tool to motivate change, and if you use ’em correctly, they’re also a proven
trigger for positive thinking and a powerful visual reminder, and I want to help you
make a positive change with something I call Note to Self. So, I’m here with Aurora, and Aurora… (audience applauding)
– Hello, how are you? – I’m great.
– Good. Thanks for being here. So, what’s got you stuck? – Mel, I gotta tell you. I have this dear friend of mine. We were very close for a long time. We had this toxic, toxic falling-out, and after eight months
of her freezing me out, giving me the silent
treatment and all that jazz, she actually tried to
reestablish a connection with me. And I was wondering, because it was such a toxic relationship, should I even bother opening it up again? – Great, okay, so, good question. Let me just make sure I understand. So, you had a really good friend. You had a toxic falling-out. – Definitely. – And now on reflection, you also realize the
friendship kind of blew, too. – Definitely.
– Okay. And after the falling-out,
eight months of radio silence. – Absolutely. Dead cold.
– And then all of a sudden, how did she reach out to you? – Via text message, and
several times, I might add. – What was the text
message, if you remember? Do you remember how she did? – Well, actually, it was
about a random thing. I love pencils, so she said, hey, I saw these new pencils online. I thought you might like them. So, it wasn’t necessarily like, hey, I want to reconnect with you. I guess that was her way of doing it. – Yeah, so sort of what
people do where they’re like, hello, are you there? (audience laughs)
– Exactly! Absolutely. Absolutely. – Okay. Do you want to be friends with her? – I think deep down,
reminding myself of like all the toxicity, I don’t think that I want that in my life, because I took reins in over my own life. I did the mindset reset and everything, and I said, hey, part
of my revamping my life was based on this falling out, so once I let go of that part of my life, then I went on to grow, and that’s why I ask myself
now is this necessary? Is this relationship necessary? – Terrific, okay, so, I love that you took a toxic relationship and you used it to work on yourself, and now that this person’s coming back, you’re realizing you’ve
grown and you’re in a place. See, people come into
your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime, and she came into your
life for a reason, right? To teach you something. Now, here’s, though, your note to self. What do I do now that she’s reached out after eight months of silence? Here’s your note to self, and this goes for everything in life. Don’t meet silence with silence. (audience claps) So, what I want you to do, right? You just said wow, so what hit
you about this note to self? – I shouldn’t mirror the
behavior that I’ve been shown. (audience claps) – Yeah, what just happened? You just got a little emotional. – Yeah, it’s a learning
process, definitely, but I don’t want to reflect that toxicity. – Fabulous, so here’s what
I would like you to do. Here’s your note to self. This is for everything in life. You raise your voice to raise yourself up, and so you’re gonna not text her back. You’re gonna pick up the phone. – [Aurora] Ooh. – Ooh.
– Yes. (laughs) – And you’re gonna call her, and you’re just gonna explain
what happened for you, how the eight months of silence hurt, how you’ve learned based on the toxicity, and maybe she’ll learn something too, but you don’t have to be friends. (audience applauds)
Okay? – Thank you, Mel. – You’re welcome,
darling, I’m proud of you. You’re welcome.
– I appreciate it, thank you so much. – All right, and we have May. May’s looking for guidance. Hi, May, how are you? – Hi, I’m good, how are you? – Why don’t you tell me what’s going on? What’s got you stuck? – So, I just most recently
quit my nine-to-five job and I blog on social media. I have my own Instagram and
YouTube that I love doing. – Fantastic. – But I have a lot of family pressure to go back to a nine-to-five, and it’s like crumbling down a little, and I’m feeling the
pressure from my parents,, and so, I don’t know, I’m kind of stuck. I don’t know what to do. Should I be somewhat of a pleaser? Should I just stick to what I’m doing? Because I’m very happy right now. – Well. You just gave me the answer, ’cause you said you’re
really happy right now. So, are your parents and family members that are criticizing and
putting pressure on you paying all your bills, too? – No.
– Okay. This is easy. (audience laughs) (May laughs) Your life, your happiness, is your responsibility. (audience applauds) And it’s also your choice. Period, and so don’t
misread worry for pressure. See, a lot of people that are judging you haven’t grown up in the world
that you’re growing up in. You don’t even understand
that you can build a business doing social media marketing, right? And so they don’t know how to
give you advice in this realm. And so if you’re paying for your bills and if you’re happy doing
what you’re doing, awesome. It’s your choice.
(audience applauds) And what I would make sure is I would make sure you communicate more about how happy you are. – [May] You got it. – You’re awesome. Congratulations on your new business. Keep goin’. All right, up next, if you’re constantly
struggling to make a decision, don’t go anywhere, because I’ve got a simple solution to tackle uncertainty for good. We’ll be right back. (audience applauding)
(bright music) Still to come. I have a coin, and so head
is you’re going back to L.A. Tails, you’re going to
keep your tail in New York. Breathe.
– Okay. – Here we go. I haven’t flipped, oh (bleep). (audience laughs) (bright music)
(audience applauding) Welcome back, I’m Mel Robbins. Now, earlier in the show, we explained the five
signs of a narcissist, and one of the effects that happens if you spend too long with one is you begin to second-guess everything and you get stuck in a
decision-making dilemma. That’s why this quote hits home. “I used to think I was indecisive, “but now I’m not too sure.” (audience laughs) Maybe you feel this
way or someone you love is driving you bananas because they can’t ever
make up their mind. I have somebody in my life like this. Yes, Sawyer, I’m talking to you. That’s our oldest daughter. This behavior has a name. I like to call it the indecision loop. What’s that? It’s a nonstop cycle of uncertainty that makes you question your decisions and constantly turn to
others for validation, and this awesome mother and
daughter duo can relate. Meet Jennifer and her mom Lydia. (audience applauding) – Hello. – Hello, so, Jennifer, what
are you indecisive about? – Well, I’m Libra, so we’re
known to be very indecisive. – I’m a Libra. I am not indecisive. We are known to be indecisive? – I think I’m just programmed that way. I mean, even today, like, it took maybe like three
outfits, two heels, and that was pretty good, just even to decide to come
on this show was a decision. – So, you just go back and
forth and back and forth? – Just always weighing out the options. – So, walk me through your day. What are the things that
you weigh out your options? – Just even like what I’m gonna eat, how I’m gonna wear my makeup. I’m just very, it’s almost
like if you’re, just like, okay, so, would that look good? Oh, no, that’s not gonna look right. So, I’m gonna kinda
just go back and forth. – And so how does the
indecision impact your life? – Well, I’m always in my head
a lot. I’m very creative. So, I feel like I’m
always stuck in my head. Like, you know, I think
I should just kind of commit to a decision. I was also in a really toxic relationship. Earlier in the show, you
guys were talking about being in a relationship with a narcissist. I definitely was in a
relationship with a narcissist, and that totally affected my decisions, and even today now. – So, it made it even worse. – Totally.
– So it goes a lot deeper. – Totally.
– And as we were talking about the fact that when
you’re with somebody that’s constantly questioning
you, it makes you– – Question yourself. – Got you, so Lydia, as the
mom, does this drive you crazy? – Oh my God, she drives me out of my mind. She’s like should I wear this? She just can’t make up her mind sometimes. And I’m a Virgo? So I am very like, I know what I want, and she’s like back and
forth with decisions. – I know this wasn’t about horoscopes, so this is about the indecision
that your daughter has. – She can’t make up her mind. – What’s a moment that you can remember where you literally were just like you gotta give me a break? – Probably her 2-1/2-year
relationship with this man that wasn’t good for her and she broke up about
10 times in 2-1/2 years. Going back and forth and back. She’s an empath, so she
thinks that she can help him, and you can’t. He’s not gonna change. We gave her advice. She listens, but she doesn’t–
– And I understand that your brother or her
uncle has a word for this? – Yeah, her instincts stink, so hashtag instink, instead
of instinct, they stink. You know, she always
makes the wrong decision, mostly with men, you know. She thinks that she
can fix them, you know? She sees red flags, but
she doesn’t, you know. We have to wave it in
front of her like red flag! – What do you think about this? – I think my grandma said
she wanted to spit on him. That’s what she said. Yeah, it was that bad. – Wow, and you didn’t listen
because of the indecision? – Yeah, because I wanted to fix him. I was like, well, you should
be more compassionate. You should, like, let’s pray together. Let’s go to temple, because I’m Jewish, and he’s like, I’m God. How can I go to temple? – Wait, what? – Yeah. – And that was not a statement that made you running for the exit sign? – Exactly.
– I ran to Israel. I ran to Israel. – So, you know you recently went to your 85-year-old
grandmother for advice. – Yes, I love my grandmother. She’s only been with
one man her whole life. My grandfather passed
away, but she’s, you know, old-school when it comes to
dating and relationships, so she doesn’t understand why I can’t find the love that she had. – ‘Kay, and what advice did she give you? – Find somebody that makes you happy, somebody that’s nice, and someone who loves you inside and out for just who you are regardless of if you have, you know, your
bun up or your hair down, or if you’re wearing makeup,
if you’re breaking out, just somebody that loves you for you. – That’s great advice. Did you make a decision about the guy? And so what’s the decision? – So, I actually, I went on
a trip called Birthright, and I ended up going to Israel, and when I got to Israel,
I called him on WhatsApp, the app, and I broke up with him. – Good for you. – And he said, “Did you find someone?” (audience applauds) He’s like, “Did you find someone?” And I said, yeah, I found myself. – Oh, that’s a great answer. It’s a great answer. You know, the thing though is, and this is what we gotta talk about, ’cause it’s a fun topic, but there’s something deeper going on which is the loop part. When you keep seeking
validation and you don’t get it, what happens is your
own confidence plummets because you’re not getting the decision that you’re seeking validated, and so it’s so important that
we break this indecision loop, and I know that it expands way
beyond the men in your life and there’s a really big question that you are grappling with
and spinning the loop with, so that when we come back, I’m gonna help Jennifer
break out of the loop and actually make a decision, so stay with us.
(audience applauding) (bright music)
(audience applauding) (bright music)
(audience applauding) We’re back and talking about something I call the indecision loop. That’s where you get stuck
goin’ round and round, and we need to break Jennifer
free from that cycle. And guess what, there’s
another big decision I understand Jennifer is struggling with, so much so she’s now asking
complete strangers for advice. So, walk me through the latest story about who you are asking for advice. What is the decision, first of all? – So, the decision right now
is if I should go back to L.A. and keep pursuing my dreams or if I should stay here in New York and try and make it happen and try and chase my dreams here. – Okay, and so where did you go recently? – Recently, I was is Sephora
getting a little mini facial. I was picking the brain
of my skincare specialist, like, how do you like New York? Do you have a daughter? Oh, my daughter loves it. I was in the bagel store. I asked this Orthodox woman
how do you like New York. She loves it. So, I’m like, Uncle D, should
I stay here in New York? He wants me to stay. – Around and around.
– Gabby, what should we do? She’s like, maybe we
should go back to Israel. I’m like, yay, throw me off some more. – Well, honestly, the worst
decision is indecision. – [Jennifer] Right. – Because you stay stuck, spinning, and the doubt grows, and the doubt grows. So, I have a very simple trick. Because the thing about indecision
that’s really interesting is you actually know the answer you want, and I can prove it to you. You’re just stuck in the loop. And so I have a coin right here. (audience laughing) It’s somewhere in my pocket. My pants are so tight I can’t
get my hand in my pocket here. Need more stretch in these jeans. Okay. And so head is you’re going back to L.A. – Okay, heading back to L.A., okay. – Yeah, tails you’re going to
keep your tail in New York. I don’t know if I’m even
allowed to say that. (all laugh) And I’m gonna flip it. – [Jennifer] Okay. – And whatever it is is
going to be the decision. How nervous are you? – Very. – I mean… I mean, we’re relying on a coin here. (audience laughing)
– Yeah. Well, I mean, this may give better advice than the person at the
bagel shop, for all I know. Okay, you ready? So, head you’re going
to L.A., heading back. Okay, are you starting to
have a panic attack on me? Seriously, okay, breathe. Here we go. Let’s see if I, I haven’t
flipped, oh, (bleep). (audience laughs) No, no, no, I gotta flip it for real. I gotta flip it for real. So worried about flipping this. I’ve not flipped a coin in like a decade. Okay. Now. – Now, the moment of truth.
– Okay, now, hold on. What do you want it to be? What are you hoping it is? ‘Cause I’m gonna tell you,
when it went in the air, you had a I hope it’s… There was a moment in there. What was it? – New York. I’m hoping
it’s gonna be New York. – Okay, so I’m not even
gonna show you what it is. You just made your decision. (audience applauds) You see, the truth is, you know, and I’m on a mission to
empower women in particular to honor the knowing inside you. The indecision has become a habit. I want you to practice a new skill. I want you instead of
going out for the answer, I want you to tune in. (audience applauding) – That’s huge. – And you can still go to people, but tell them this is
what I’m doing, okay? Instead of asking, tell, because you’ve got to learn to listen to what’s inside and honor it, okay? – I love that. – All right, excellent. And for you at home,
I’ll show you what it is. What was it? Can you see it? I got it, we got it. Okay. (audience applauding) I’m never gonna tell. ‘Cause she made the decision. We’ll be right back. (audience cheering)
(bright music) (audience cheering)
(bright music) Well, it’s the last segment of the show. We call it The Goodbye, and
goodbyes are never easy, but you can always find
a little good in ’em. So, guess who’s making good news? An iconic figure that’s not
only timeless but timely. I’m talkin’ Barbie. She’s 60 this year, and as
part of the celebration, Mattel’s just expanded
their Inspiring Women series to include famed civil
rights activist Rosa Parks and the first and youngest American woman to travel to space, Sally Ride. These two fierce fabulous females are now offered alongside Amelia Earhart, Frida Kahlo, and NASA
mathematician Katherine Johnson. Didn’t you love “Hidden Figures”? Now that’s some major girl power. Go Barbie, yes! (audience cheering) And finally, in case nobody
else has told you today, let me be the one to tell
you that I believe in you and your ability to change
your life for the better, and as you learned on today’s show, I believe in your ability
to spot a narcissist and have the courage to leave them. And that’s why I’m here, cheering for you five days a week, and reminding you that
whatever you’re facing, you got this. I’ll see you next time. (audience cheering)
(bright music) – Thank you! (audience cheering)
(bright music) (dramatic jingle)

43 comments

  1. When the narcissist says “I really expected you would have committed suicide by now.” No one believed me w/ the mind games he played. Years later, so glad I’m out of that relationship. Karma finally had its turn. It’s been a long haul “finding me” again.

  2. Please Mel Robbins show, post all full episodes on Youtube. You have so many fans all over the world who don't have access to the show!! TV medium is going down the drain and the internet is becoming the king of broadcasting!

  3. A few years ago I was on a dating site and this woman contacted me. We emailed a few times then gave me her number to call. Well for like three nights in a row we were on the phone for two hours. 95% of the time she was talking and it was all about herself or her daughter. And how perfect their lives were. I couldn't get a word in except to ask her questions about her. She never asked anything about me. By that third day I already couldn't stand talking to her and I was done.

  4. Hi Mel and Dr. Ramani, you both probably both already have seen this, but I have discovered this in dealing with a Narcissist. The difference between asking a Narcissist a "WHY?" question VERSES a "HOW COME?" question. Asking someone "Why?" opens pandora's box with everything from: Because they can, because you are stupid, because you are wrong, because you are this or that, you, you you! They blame you, and on top of it point out there's something wrong with you. Asking someone "How Come?" a healthy person won't miss a beat and answer with something reflective about themselves, and typically engage in a normal dialogue with you. A Narcissist will be caught off-guard by the "How Come? because they aren't reflective. An awkward pause will occur, but so lighting-fast the Narcissist will scramble an answer of word-salad. Definition from the internet: The metaphorical expression word-salad refers to the practice of stringing together words that have no apparent connection to one another –

  5. People struggle to leave narcissists because the narcissist trauma bonds (abuse version of Stockholm syndrome) the victim through an abuse cycle. It’s an emotional brain chemical addiction, or love addiction. The brain learns that after the “lows” of abuse, comes a “hit” of love when you make up. People in relationships with narcissists live for that love “high.” Many people in relationships with narcissists grew up with a toxic parent or caretaker, which makes it difficult for them to realize the situation is toxic in the first place. They often struggle with codependency, making them want to fix or help the narcissist. As she said on the show, society teaches us that we can turn a beast into a prince if we love someone enough, and it’s just not true.

  6. Thank you Mel for bringing attention to this because my ex is a narcissist and I have suffered greatly when I was with him and still now. I think many people should be able to protect themselves from these types of people and the first step is to be aware and learn the red flags. Thank you Mel!!

  7. Thank you so much Mel for this episode especially the talk about narcissism. I learned something new which can help me in my codependency healing. I love Dr. Ramani💖

  8. I need help getting over the narcissist situation. I feel so hurt and all I do is cry every day. I feel like he was my best friend and I had to put him out of my house I can't keep living like this. It hurts so bad.

  9. I agree unless I just don't like the person. I wont ask people I don't like how they are because I don't care and I really don't like to be fake.

  10. Loved the warning signs that was presented. I had several ex friends that were like this. What I found with the conversation part was if they do ask questions about you, it was only to gain information that they could use against later so that you will do their biddings or so they can have gossiping power. Thanks for another great show, Mel. I appreciate you spreading awareness on this topic.

  11. Thank you! Thank you! THANK YOU for putting some entire episodes of Mel's new show online. I live in Australia, that country full of people with weird accents that's a hellava long flight away but since I discovered Mel I have become a devoted Mel fan. She is my 'mentor' and she has literally changed my life. I can't say it enough…thank you! Thank you! Thank you! THANK YOU!

  12. doesn't even have to be a relationship but it could be one of your co-workers trying to manipulate you. this crap is going on so i had to go.

  13. The narcissists in my life always ask how I am and how my day went. I found that the answers that I gave we're always used against me. Now it's just good, my day is good, I'm feeling fine.
    Love Dr. Ramini (sp), I watch a lot of her YouTube videos and they have been very helpful in giving me the strength to get out of a very long term toxic relationship.
    Mel, thank you for putting your shows on YouTube! They are very insightful.

  14. It’s not just SO’s it’s also “friends” who think the world revolves around them and can’t get over themselves for 1 second to see what they are doing. The entitlement is maddening! Narcissistic personality disorder is a real thing!

  15. I just want to point something out being NPD is such a hot topic lately..*always needing to be center of attention can also be histrionic personality disorder not just narcissist.
    Especially if the person is over dramatic. Sometimes we can see some common traits w the other cluster b. Overall really good video on this topic! Especially liked the gaslighting segment.

  16. If this is your first time watching anything on narcissism please keep on researching the subject. The spectrum of traits can vary greatly. There are quiet observing narcs & narcs that will question you intensely about your life. Keep learning!!!

  17. My mom has narcissistic traits but its because her parent couldn't love her enough. Now she's getting older and so am I. Its kind of pathetic to call somebody who raised you evil. It's easy to put the blame on others but if we look at ourselves we aren't so different from them either. We're blaming them just like how they blame other people…

    It's time to step up to plate. We're not kids anymore. Stop pointing fingers., yes if people have narcissistic traits we can't tell them what to do but we can control ourselves and our own actions. I know for FACT if somebody else called your mom or parent a narcissist you would stand up to defend them. There is a saying that goes in my culture, "When I yell at you, I can take it. But when other people yell at you I can't take it." thick or thin, family is family. We're only human. We all share the same fate. Humble yourself and follow your heart. I will love my parents till the day I die and in the afterlife

  18. Smartness is essential in any relationship, my worst experience was discovering my 6 years wife cheating through the help of an hacker who helped cloned her cell and i got access to all her text without touching it. I’m here in Australia and able to access her phone while she was away cheating in UK and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned . Contact this Genius-Tracker via Gmail (geniustracker701) Text him directly on phone +1 (601) 287-5528. or Via WhatsApp him +1 (724) 330-3252. Thank me later…

  19. I have only met female narcissists and it’s all about the mother, when it comes down to it. Has anybody got an honest apology from a woman?

  20. I never realised it.. I am a toxic too.This video sure gave me in-depth mirror of my behaviour. I will make improvements in myself from now on

  21. What can be confusing to me when it comes to telling the differences of a narcissist and just their zodiac characteristics.

  22. Vilifying won't help people change. You simply alienate them. I don't like the atmosphere you created on this show. Not therapeutic at all.

  23. Narc mom, Whole new show 🤮😩😳 triangulation With siblings, flying monkeys, scapegoat, golden child, lies, lies, twisting, jealously

  24. Dear Mel,

    The narc you are talking about is the overt narc, the covert narc (the most dangerous kind) DOES INDEED ask you about u, because they need to know what makes u feel and think they way u do, so that can use that to “twist up ur head”! Mine made me sick literally PHYSICALLY ILL, and had me so twisted emotionally I was wondering why my family seemed to be distancing themselves from me, but it was in FACT ME, not them!

  25. Empathy to a devil means if you say so and so passed, and the devil will respond by saying oh well we all have to die that’s what empathy means

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