Hi, I’m Connor. I’m Still a Drug Addict.

Hi, I’m Connor. I’m Still a Drug Addict.


Hello, um so a friend of mine, Lucy, made a video on her channel recently I will link it below, if you have not seen it, please watch that first. It is a video about alcohol and substance abuse, and that is something if you’ve been around for a while in my business, um that’s something that you know that uh personally, I’m living through I wanna start off by saying, uh, very proud of Lucy. Very happy for her and all of my love in the world goes out to people who are accepting and working on get better and stuff that’s something that universally I appreciate in people There was something that she said in her video that, um, that struck me personally She said that she looked on YouTube and the internet for videos of people talking about substance abuse or addiction or alcoholism and she couldn’t really find that much of them That caused me to go back into my personal YouTube channel and find that it has been about a year since I’ve talked about this stuff and that’s something that, you know, it’s fine, I’m not like, upset with myself at but I do think it’s something that publicly it’s important to check in every once in a while For those who do not know I am sober, I have been in recovery for substance abuse issues for four years, about six months at this point and it is something that even though, yes I am quite a few years into this process it is something that I fight every single day of my life There is a perception amongst a lot of people in your day to day life That if you’re doing well, or if you’re doing okay If your life is moving forward in a positive direction um, then you’ve beaten your problems that your problems are just over with they’re not there anymore that you’ve solved them and you’ve fixed them With many things like, um, like mental illness like chronic mental illness but specifically with substance abuse it is something that just, it doesn’t go away, um, with time it doesn’t go away with time When I say literally every single day is something that I’m fighting I mean that, every single day it’s something that I’m fighting and while it has gotten easier over the years I don’t think it’s gotten easier because it’s gone away I think it’s gotten easier because I’ve gotten stronger over that time I made this video to remind people like Lucy and others that, while substance abuse, addiction, alcoholism, all of that can feel very, very, lonely it can feel debilitatingly lonely at times You’re not alone When you are sober, either by choice or by medical necessity sometimes it feels like you are separate from the world that you live in that you are not able to participate in the society in which you live especially as a young person especially maybe as like a college-aged young person it can feel incredibly isolating You really have no idea how much alcohol and partying culture is everywhere until you’re not able to participate in that fully I like to think of it as just a certain specific need that I have that sometimes people aren’t able to meet that sometimes the world isn’t able to meet and that I generally have to meet for myself I’ve lost friends, um, I have lost significant others I’ve lost a lot of people due to my insistence that my sobriety is number one first and foremost, my biggest priority in my life. There’s a lot of people who will, uh, claim that there isn’t actually a problem, and they feel like, they’re like “oh no, everybody’s like that” but um, no not everyone is like the way that I’m like. When it comes to anything about yourself, whether that’s the best parts of yourself or in this case, the worst part of yourself, um, you do not have to justify that to anyone, despite them thinking that you, um, may need to do so. I sopped answering specific questions about my addictions, um, because of that reason, because, uh, because eventually what happens is people feel the need for me to tell them specifically what went wrong and what’s going on because in their mind I have to prove to them that I am an addict enough to be able to label myself as that. So another thing that this video is accomplishing; reminding you that you’re in charge of that kind of stuff and you know yourself better than any other person on this planet. Something that is a very, um, important pillar of how I view other people and their situations and something that I really try to put into practice in regards to my empathy is um, is the knowledge that everybody is going through something, everybody has stuff it is useless and it is completely misguided to try to compare your struggles to the struggles of other people, either in a positive direction or in a negative direction. Whatever you’re going through, whatever you’re feeling, whatever’s happening to you you’re allowed to take ownership of that and you’re allowed to take steps to move forward in the way that you see fit. In the way that makes you feel like you’re taking the best steps that you need to take. For me, sobriety is key to all of that. Sobriety is like the absolute cornerstone of like my entire life, without that I don’t know what else I would have, I don’t know if I would have anything, to be honest. It’s just that important to me. With any kind of process in which you’re making yourself better, or you’re working on stuff within you, um, it’s important to remember that progress isn’t a straight line. And a lot of people like to champion the notion of “it gets better” that over time things will resolve themselves, that over time things will improve, and uh I don’t discount that at all, but I don’t necessarily believe that it will get better. um, I believe that a lot of the time you are the one that gets better, um, not it. I think you get better. Four and a half years ago the idea of uh spending a week sober the idea of uh being vulnerable and open about my feelings the idea of confronting all the things that I’ve done and the people that I’ve hurt in the name of uh selfish desire to, uh, numb myself to the world that would have been unheard of to me. Absolutely unheard of. Now, it;s a lot of what I do on the internet, um, that kind of vulnerability, that kind of radical moving forward and knowing of yourself and being open and accepting when you make mistakes, that has become who I am entirely, four and a half years later. I’m still an addict. I still go to parties and freak out and have to leave early without telling anyone where I’m going, I still hide in the bathroom, uh, in tears shaking because I want something that I know will eventually kill me. I still do all of those things. It’s still something that’s a part of me, but I’m living with it. It’s who I am. I truly believe this from the bottom of my heart, if you know yourself, if you know who you’re about, not only that, if you know who you want to be. If you know those things and you put work into your life, and you always move forward you know head down just work and move forward, I truly believe that things will work out in a way that maybe you didn’t expect, but in a way that you can look back and be proud of. I believe that, like with every fiber of my being. It’s necessary for me to believe that. Whatever is happening in your life, whatever’s going on, it will resolve somehow. It is going to have a resolution and you have to decide how you react to that, you have to decide the work that you put in, you have to decide the way you live your life, the kind of person that you are to those around you, um, you get to decide all of that. Some things we don’t have control over, but the things that we do have control over is um is the kind of person that we are. And, um, and that’s something that regardless of your issues, regardless of your situation, regardless of whatever’s going on in your brain um, that’ll carry you through. It will. It has to. because it will. *laughs* 100% I know that. That’s what I wanted to talk about today, um, I hope I made sense. I may- I maybe rambled a little bit, I tend to do that when I’m talking about things that are really important to me. I love you guys a lot, and um, I’m gonna get off of here now and I will see you guys next time on Monday. Hope everybody here in the US had a wonderful thanksgiving last night. um, if you’re not in the US just hope you had a great Thursday. You know… just a really good Thursday, a really wonderful Thursday. I’m gonna go, and I burped, I love you, bye.

100 comments

  1. I accept you.

    Every day everyone strives to be better.

    Do everything you can in order to improve. You’ll find that time is the most limited resource. use your time wisely and don’t waste it.

    Drugs might open your mind but the reality is at the end of the day you will still have to live with the consequences.

    If you ever need someone realize there are people around you ask for help.

    There people around you who will provide help regardless of your situation you ask enough good things will come.

    Remember to be humble.

    -Alex Morrison

  2. I think its more that you get used to not having it…for me it is. I still want it at times but i;m used to not having it.

  3. I don't like the whole I'm still a drug addict motto. No you're not! You haven't done drugs in x amount of time then you haven't been a drug addict for x amount of time. But you are still an addict just not a drug addict. Being an addict just means you like to change your brain chemicals. Drugs change 1-2 chemicals but flow releases 5 neurochemicals. Flow activities include exercise, writing, playing music, basically all hobbies. The science of flow is still developing, but flow is the ultimate experience. Finding a flow activity to go all out in you will not chase the dragon but actually be able to tame it. Be a proud addict by being addicted to something healthy and amazing. Stay clean stay strong :3

  4. honestly 12steps makes sense in the way that it gets people clean THE ONLY problem I see in it is necessary to beLIEve in a higher power…

  5. who gives a fck about drug addicts and their problems lol go ahead and smoke that shit if you want or shut up about it if you don't want to, because guess what: people don't give a fck about your problems

  6. I love people who speak about this it gives me hope and strength and something i relate to. Ive been a drug addict since 13. Im now almost 26 ive been sober a year now from heroin and crack. And its still a struggle. I am in outpatient treatment just because it helps me n i like talking to other people like me but soon ill graduate from the program so ill have to find more to do with my time. Even though i only go to outpatient 2 times a week for an hour each of those days. But anyone struggling keep ur head up and do what you gotta do to stay sober!!

  7. Its hard to be sober when you don't have nice teeth nice skin nice hair a nice body…anxiety social anxiety…depression..suicidal thoughts 🙁

  8. You don't need to prove youre an addict at all …. its the humbleness and impact your words are saying that are helping others out like myself. thanks again

  9. Hi Conor im Olly from England,unfortunately i am struggling with my addiction i have been sober before but i am still drinking and using opiate medication from my doctor. But what i liked about your share was how down to earth you were and how hopeful your message was instead of hopeless which is how i feel most of the time so thankyou and god bless

  10. Sorry but i dropped the needles 5 years ago. Havent had any cravings last 2-3 years so in shure it goes away If you put in the right work.

  11. I absolutely can’t stand how some people treat me after I tell them I’m an ex addict because I am so young. I don’t like answering questions anymore. I really don’t think I have to tell anyone not even my husband or my children .. we can also choose to not do that. I’ve said this before and people say I’m in denial but I’m not I just really don’t like what comes with saying it 😣 anyways. Subscribing.

  12. You never mention what your drug of choice was, which makes me question your awareness on the subject. When you attend an NA meeting or group in rehab, the first thing you tell people about yourself is your drug of choice. It matters because your personal habbit affects how much another addict can relate and empathize with your situation e.g., if you had a problem with alcohol or marijuana for maybe a year, then I don't really care about what you have to say…

  13. Hi , very true I say I may have won the battle but I havent won the war. It's a daily fight. I love your honesty thanks for sharing 😊 my channel is "soberlivingnstyle." I lost a lot of friends as well. I was going strong for 2 years and I had started a juice business, I was teaching yoga and worked at a cosmetic store all while being a great mom and wife I won back my reputation in my home town and I had a lot of people looking up to me, eventually I hit a rough patch in finances, marriage, and everything else and 1 day I fell I let all that take away all the hard and beautiful work i had done . I went back to where I originally found God about 2 months after my relapse and now I'm doing wonderful ,unfortunately I'm almost scared of myself now ……and I lost a lot of
    confidence in my self ….mostly because I feel I went from ….zero–hero—back to zero in such a short time. I'm barely feeling like coming back again, and have recently decided to hide my channels original content of my drug testimony and I even considered changing my name of sobrlivingnstyle I guess because I failed it once???? It was easy to bounce back the first time but this go around has been much different. Idk why I'm rambling but I happened to run across this video lol and you looked like one of my old best friends . All in all thanks for sharing and continue what your doing , Godbless .

  14. A very mature video from such a young kid. Well done lad! I’m 2 years clean from alcohol, opioids & I’m 41. 23 years of torture, but if you want sobriety, it’s a lot easier to attain. Well done! Keep it up.

  15. When approaching a psychoactive substance a certain mindset should be kept. It's only an addition to life. If you feel the urge, that's the sign to slow down a bit. Really maintaining drug use is very easy, people only have to educate themselves.

  16. I'm on day 3 right now of sobriety i WAS an alcoholic and don't plan on drinking another drop of alcohol ever again but what I just dont understand is why the FUCK people still say they're still alcoholics after they quit drinking. If you're not physically dependant on the drug anymore then what is the problem?!?!?! Forgive me I just genuinely dont get it. It just frustrates me can someone please explain to me I'm still going thru horrible withdrawals. Good video tho

  17. Right now I relate to you so much. I wish I could escape everything, escape myself. I’m not sure if wanna help myself or destroy myself, I want to be a good person but my issues make me act bad and selfish. Be strong through it all, I’ll try to as well. I really took something from this video, thank you

  18. Im a functional addict. I still work to support myself and my habbit. I have it to a point where I can do it and not get sick from it cause I set a limit of how much Ill do for a week. And I actually follow it. And I dont do anything else. I like to think its a dangerous tight rope but one I can walk without falling cause I keep it to my set limits. It's my personal choice. Its never lead to anything else. Been using for 15 years so and I donno lol Im just making it work so far and I agree with you dude you are not alone brotha. Trust in that.

  19. I was a functioning Xanax addict (really rare) so I thought it didn’t affect me in anyway because my life was still going in the correct direction. One day I started feeling disconnected from everyone and everything around me. I also started getting really depressed so I stopped cold turkey. I have been struggling through withdrawals for 6 months now and I’ve been very close to going back some days. It’s literally an EVERYDAY battle that I feel like will never go away. Stay strong everyone and know the grass is always greener if you make it 💚

  20. Proud of you man. Although I don't have an addiction that causes major physical harm, it does cause psychological pain because of my inability to stop. It calls out to me; "just once," "this is the last time," etc. And from experience, it's never the last time.

  21. holy fuck this is amazingly true for mental illness in general. It is true for the professional help (misdiagnoses) as well as when discussing with others with the illness. It's difficult to fully understand what someone is going through. Regardless, I agree that in this world the only one that will likely ever validate you to the extent that you need it is yourself.

  22. I still struggle with justifying my drug use with excuses like "I worked hard today i deserve this"…..anyone else?

  23. Hey connor i am almost 17 and have a problem with drugs i have been in a psych ward 2 times and nobody really understands me because my friends still use and nobody is trying to stop and nobody has still went through the quitting of drugs that i know personally and my parents just say shit like well you just dont do it its simple and we both know it isnt and i dont have someone to talk about this im from europe and people here dont offer addicts help they spit on them i would really appreciate if you can hit me up on social media to tell me the secret to staying sober i will give you my fb or something if you reply to this comment. Thanks a lot and keep up the good work and stay strong! 🙂

  24. I'm 12 and addicted to benzos and codeine. I'm such an idiot but let me tell you my idiotic story. I do some reason was really addicted to the thought of drugs in fact I was obsessed with them without even touching them for months but one day I decided to do some research on the internet about drugs that are easy to get, since I obviously had no hook ups and all I found a site on over the counter drugs you can use to get high which I was doing research on for a few weeks until I decided to search threw the medicine cupboard now before I continue let me just say that practically everyone in my family had either depression and anxiety, so there was a lot of medications for such things so I found a few things that had the right chemicals in them to create a high, at first I was worried that if I took a few of something someone would notice but then I found the specific box that was prescribed for my sister, my sister had moved out with her boyfriend and would've obviously taken them with her if you was still using them so I decided take the box into my room then quickly googled how many mg's I should take they said about 20 if it's your first time but then I thought these people are probably adults and would have a higher tolerance or something that (can't explain it ) anyways so I decided to take 7 pills which was 2mgs each, I was a bit nervous at first but half an hour I felt great careless happy and relaxed then the next day I did the same thing and so it continued that how I stupidly became addicted I wish I had never ever started googling it…. 😔

  25. I can relate to everything you're saying, you're very well spoken too. Keep up with sobriety, thats the best thing.
    I''ll get there, too, eventually.

  26. Keep staying clean dude. I’m glad you are awoke. I’ve been sober for 15 years. I am 52 now. I promise you that it will get easier with time to the point where you could be in a crowd of people drinking or drugging and you won’t have a desire to get high . My brother also recovered for about the same time and we no longer get desires . We’ve even stopped smoking for about the same time and cigarettes stink to us and annoys us. My desires vanished during the 8 year mark. I think lifestyle plays a big part .

  27. I use to love pain pills. Taking several a day for about ten years. Parts of me still does love it. But I do not believe it’s a disease. People compare it to cancer, cancer you can’t control, addiction… you can. I stopped it because I knew what was best for me and I knew what I had to do. I wasn’t weak and went back to it when things went bad. I’m not fighting because I already won that fight the day I decided not to put the pill in my mouth.

  28. Then stay the fuck away from me I’d had bad experience with someone who was a junkie in my life not having it again.

  29. Not addicted to anything …just here to laugh about people who actually do drugs and how stupid they are just to make my self feel better and smartass lol

  30. I'm watching this during my first lsd trip. Omg I just said first already know its gonna happen again. I'm an addict.

  31. Hey, I really needed to hear this. Went on a 2 day binge after a few weeks without alcohol and I couldn't get out if bed. I've been blaming myself for my addiction but I haven't accepted I'm powerless. I need help

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