How to Buy a Mountain Bike


– [Narrator] Look at you. You’re a mediocre sack of garbage that’s stuck in a dead-end job with nothing in life to make you happy. Even the bird thinks you’re a loser. (bird squeaking) It’s time for a change. Go outside. See those kids? They’re having the time of
their lives riding their bikes. They know what’s up. You’ll never be as fun as those kids. Unless you bought a mountain bike. Go to the store and listen to a guy who has no idea what he’s talking about try to sell you a bike. Pick a bike and buy it. Gear up and head out to your local trails. It’s time to ride your brand new bike. (bike thwacks) (groaning) Realize that not all bikes
and bike stores are the same. Try again. This time do research. Visit a bike shop and
talk to the employees. They know bikes. Buy a second bike, go for another ride. This time, your bike doesn’t fold in half. Build fitness on the climbs and confidence on the descents. Ride what you can and don’t
stress what you can’t. It’ll get easier. You feel better already, don’t you? Until you start noticing that no one else rides in
a t-shirt and khaki shorts. Time to get kitted. So kitted. (bass-heavy hip hop music) Start using sick words
like shred and gnar. Keep riding, get passed on
the climbs and the descents. The desire to be better
grows inside of you. Become obsessed with your bike. Fixate over specs, head angles, and weird things like tire durometers. Then realize you’ll need a second job to support your addiction. (clears throat) I mean, passion? (lawnmower whirs) Buy a bike for the third time. This one has more features, more shocks, and the seat post goes up and down. – Sweet. – [Narrator] It’s no longer just riding. It’s shredding. Hit jumps, smash roots, send drops and learn a trick. Nice. It’s more than just a hobby now. It’s a lifestyle. One day you tell your co-workers about all the rides you’ve been going on and how hard you’re shredding. They aren’t listening. Well, one is. Her name is Jess and she rides too. She asks, “Want to go
for a ride sometime?” And you say, “Shit yeah!” It turns out Jess is good. Like, really good. She schools you on the climb
up and the whole way down. You can’t even walk
down what she’s riding. You make it to the bottom,
but you’re exhausted. She’s been waiting for 30 minutes but says that was a lot of fun. She says you guys should
do it again sometime. You agree, even though she crushed you. But that doesn’t bother
you, until later that day. (wailing) (bass-heavy hip hop music) Start riding every day after work. Find local groups and
go on rides with riders that will help you step your game up. Become a better rider
just by trying to keep up. (bass-heavy hip hip music) Start noticing other bikes, like that downhill bike, and that cross country bike. Road biking could be fun. Settle on a dirt jumper
and go find some jumps to practice your tricks. That looks a lot harder than you thought. He’s really high up, that
looks awfully dangerous. Nope. Ride more, climb higher, jump farther, and go faster than you
ever thought you could. Take care of and upgrade your bike. Buy tools, buy parts, buy more
tools to install the parts. Spend hours deciding on your next bike. Discover your dream bike, and carbon. Your addiction gets worse. You spend less time at work doing work and more time looking at bikes. Ride more trails, mow more lawns. More trails, more lawns. Trails, lawns. Buy your dream bike. Take some friends and
go farther and higher than you ever have before. Let your bike take you places most people don’t even know exist. Go on another date. This time, you can actually keep up. No apologies, no excuses. This is much better. This time, she only beats
you by five minutes. You’re both stoked, you high five, she can’t believe how
much better you’ve gotten. Good on you, mate. One day, you see a press
release for a brand new bike. It’s like yours, but 15% lighter, 35% stiffer, and it’s red. It also costs a lot more lawns than the bike you just bought. Go out for a ride to get over it. Realize how much better you’ve gotten and how much joy riding
has brought to your life. It’s not about the bikes you ride, it’s about the rides
your bike takes you on. (air hisses) Well, maybe not this ride. (“I Got The Juice” by Dream Junkies) ♪ Mother lover you gon’ love this ♪ ♪ Graduated from a rebel
to a revolutionary ♪ ♪ In my area they love this ♪ ♪ I’mma wreck it ♪ ♪ Like I’m revving the engine ♪ ♪ Heaven’s ascension ♪ ♪ Every dimension give me attention ♪ ♪ Look at my soul ♪ ♪ Look at my heart ♪ ♪ Look at my hope ♪ ♪ Got the world on my back ♪ ♪ But I carry it though ♪ ♪ Tell them God got my hand ♪ ♪ I ain’t letting it go ♪ ♪ I I I came from the side of the ocean ♪ ♪ Swam with the best of ’em ♪ ♪ I can’t deny I was chosen ♪ ♪ Yeah it’s the miggity mack ♪ ♪ Milking the mic ♪ ♪ I don’t think I’m giving it back ♪

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *