John Mulaney: New in Town – Ice-T on “SVU” & Old Murder Investigations


IT’S WRONG TO MAKE FUN
OF PEOPLE, YOU KNOW, BUT IT’S SO FUN SOMETIMES. I’VE WRITTEN
FOR SOME TV SHOWS, AND, YOU KNOW,
ON A MAJOR TV SHOW, YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL ABOUT
WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT PEOPLE ‘CAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE
GET OFFENDED, OR SO IT HAS BEEN
EXPLAINED TO ME. I WAS ONCE–
I’LL TELL YOU THIS. I WAS WRITING FOR
AN AWARDS SHOW ONCE, AND I GOT INTO SOME TROUBLE. I WROTE A JOKE
FOR THIS AWARDS SHOW THAT HAD THE WORD “MIDGET”
IN IT. AND SOMEONE FROM THE NETWORK
CAME DOWN TO OUR OFFICES AND HE SAID TO ME, “HEY, YOU CAN’T PUT THE WORD
‘MIDGET’ ON TV.” AND I SAID,
“I SURE WOULD LIKE TO.” AND HE SAID, “NO, ‘MIDGET’
IS AS BAD AS THE N-WORD.” FIRST OFF, NO. NO, IT’S NOT. “DO YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW
IT’S NOT,” I SAID TO HIM, “IS BECAUSE WE’RE SAYING
THE WORD ‘MIDGET’ “AND WE’RE NOT EVEN SAYING
WHAT THE N-WORD IS. “IF YOU’RE COMPARING
THE BADNESS OF TWO WORDS, “AND YOU WON’T EVEN SAY
ONE OF THEM… THAT’S THE WORSE WORD.” I DON’T MEAN TO COMPLAIN
ABOUT CENSORSHIP AT ALL, THOUGH, BECAUSE AS YOU PROBABLY
HAVE SEEN BY NOW, YOU CAN BASICALLY SAY
WHATEVER YOU WANT ON TELEVISION. IT’S RIDICULOUS. YOU CAN SAY ANYTHING YOU WANT. AND IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME, YOU SHOULD WATCH
A LITTLE PROGRAM CALLEDLAW & ORDER:
SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT.
YEAH. A SHOW THAT I LOVE. BECAUSE ON THAT SHOW,
YOU CAN SAY THE GROSSEST THINGS YOU’VE EVER HEARD
IN YOUR LIFE. NO, YOU CAN’T SAY LIKE
THE F-WORD. YOU CAN’T SAY THAT
ONSPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT.BUT PEOPLE WALK AROUND ONSVU
GOING LIKE, “LOOKS LIKE THE VICTIM HAD
ANAL CONTUSIONS. “YO, LOOKS LIKE WE FOUND SEMEN
AND FECAL MATTER IN THE VICTIM’S EAR CANAL.” THOSE ARE TWO REAL THINGS
THAT I HEARD ONLAW & ORDER: SVU
AT 3:00 IN THE AFTERNOON, BOTH SPOKEN BY ICE-T. ICE-T IS A DETECTIVE
WITH THE SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT. HE HANDLES NEW YORK’S
MOST SENSITIVE CASES. I LOVE ICE-T ONSVU.
HE IS FANTASTIC. HE’S AWESOME. WHAT’S SO GREAT ABOUT HIM IS THAT HE’S BEEN WITH THE SVU
FOR LIKE, MM, 11 YEARS NOW. BUT HE STILL TREATS EVERY CASE
LIKE IT’S HIS FIRST IN TERMS OF TOTAL CONFUSION. SOMETIMES THEY’LL BE IN
THE MIDDLE OF AN INVESTIGATION AND ICE-T WILL BE LIKE,
“YO, YOU TELLING ME THIS DUDE GETS OFF ON LITTLE GIRLS
WITH PIGTAILS?” IT’S LIKE, “YEAH, ICE. “HE’S A PEDOPHILE. “YOU WORK IN THE SEX CRIMES
DIVISION. YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO GET
USED TO THAT.” YOU KNOW HOW THEY TRY
AND TIE IN, LIKE, CURRENT EVENTS TO EVERY EPISODE OFSVU?SO THERE WAS THIS EPISODE
I SAW A WHILE AGO THAT WAS ABOUT SEX ADDICTION. ‘CAUSE A LOT OF CELEBRITIES
HAVE COME OUT AS SEX ADDICTS. SO THE EPISODE’S ABOUT
SEX ADDICTION. THERE IS A SCENE IN THE EPISODE
WHERE THE OTHER DETECTIVES ARE TRYING TO TEACH ICE-T
WHAT SEX ADDICTION IS, AND IT TAKES A COUPLE
OF MINUTES. AND FINALLY, ICE-T GETS IT. AND THEY CUT TO HIM
IN THIS CLOSE-UP AND HE GOES,
“OH, I GET IT. “YOU MEAN LIKE WHEN SOMEONE
DRINKS TOO MUCH… OR SNORTS COCAINE…OR BETS
THE HOUSE ON THE PONIES?” I WAS LIKE,
“YEAH, YOU GOT IT, MAN,” AND I WAS PSYCHED
THAT ICE-T UNDERSTOOD SO THAT THEY COULD CONTINUE
WITH THE INVESTIGATION. BUT I COULD’VE WATCHED
ANOTHER FOUR HOURS OF ICE-T JUST NAMING
EXAMPLES. JUST THAT CLOSE-UP
AND ICE-T LIKE, “OR LIKE WHEN SOMEONE SMOKES
TOO MANY CIGARETTES? “OR LIKE WHEN SOMEONE SHOPS
TOO MUCH WITH CREDIT CARDS? “OR LIKE WHEN SOMEONE PLAYS
TOO MANY SCRATCHY LOTTERIES? “OR LIKE WHEN SOMEONE
EATS TOO MUCH CHOCOLATE CAKE? “OR LIKE WHEN EATS TOO MUCH
CHOCOLATE CAKE AND THEN BARFS IT UP?” AND HE WOULD JUST KEEP TALKING
AND IT WOULD SLOWLY FADE OUT AND SAY, “EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
DICK WOLF.” THAT’D BE MY IDEAL EPISODE.
THAT’D BE A GOOD ONE. I ALSO WATCH THE SHOW CALLED
COLD CASE FILES.
ONCOLD CASE FILES,
THEY SOLVE OLD MURDERS AND IT’S REALLY INTERESTING. ‘CAUSE WHAT I LEARN FROM IT
IS THAT IT WAS REALLY EASY TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER
BEFORE THEY KNEW ABOUT DNA. IT WAS RIDICULOUSLY EASY. LIKE, WHAT WAS EVEN GOING ON
BACK THEN? WHAT WAS A MURDER INVESTIGATION
LIKE IN 1935? ONE COP WOULD JUST WALK IN
AND BE LIKE, “DETECTIVE, WE FOUND A POOL OF THAT KILLER’S
BLOOD IN THAT HALLWAY.” AND HE WOULD JUST BE LIKE,
“HMM, GROSS. “MOP IT UP. “NOW THEN, BACK TO MY HUNCH. “HMM… “LOOK FOR CLUES. “I’LL TELL YOU WHAT WE’LL DO. “WE’LL DRAW CHALK
AROUND WHERE THE BODY IS. THAT WAY,
WE’LL KNOW WHERE IT WAS.” A COUPLE YEARS AGO, I SAW
THIS MOVIE CALLEDPUBLIC ENEMIESWITH JOHNNY DEPP. IT WAS ABOUT OLD BANK ROBBERS
AND STUFF. HERE’S HOW EASY IT WAS
TO GET AWAY WITH BANK ROBBERY BACK IN THE ’30S. AS LONG AS YOU
WEREN’T STILL THERE WHEN THE POLICE ARRIVED, YOU HAD A 99% CHANCE
OF GETTING AWAY WITH IT. TO THE POINT THAT, LIKE,
THOSE OLD BANK ROBBERS, THEY TAKE CREDIT
FOR THE BANK ROBBERIES. LIKE, THEY COME
RUNNING OUT OF THERE AND THEY’RE LIKE,
“HA, HA, HA! “AND IF ANYONE ASKS,
YOU TELL ‘EM IT WAS GOLDEN JOE AND THE SUGGINS GANG!” AND THEN THEY LIKE
SHOOT “SUGGINS” INTO THE SIDE OF THE WALL. IT’S LIKE, WHAT?
WERE BULLETS FREE BACK THEN? AND THEY DON’T EVEN
DISGUISE THEMSELVES. THEY DRESS UP
FOR THE BANK ROBBERY. THEY’RE ROLLING IN THERE
IN, LIKE, BIG SUITS AND HATS LIKE THEY’RE GOING TO CHURCH
IN ATLANTA. THEY MAKE A DAY OF IT.

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