Jong en verslaafd: Nellie praat met Paulien | Drugslab Extra

Jong en verslaafd: Nellie praat met Paulien | Drugslab Extra

Hi, I’m Nellie.
Welcome to Drugslab Extra. On Drugslab we test drugs twice a month
to see how they affect our body. And on Drugslab Extra we answer
your questions about the world of drugs. There’s more to it than using drugs. If you have a question about drugs
or the world around it, let us know. We’ve done a lot of drugs on Drugslab. We discuss the risks, bad trips,
passing out, addiction. Besides an alcohol or XTC hangover,
things always end well for us. We feel good and we’re not addicted. In the Netherlands there are 6700
speed addicts. One of them is Paulien. I’m going to visit her today
to ask her all about it. Were you or are you addicted to speed?
-I am, but I’m not using right now. So you were addicted to speed. Were you addicted to anything else?
-I was addicted to not being sober. Can you give an example?
-Mainly uppers. Like coke, speed.
-XTC. The substances I was really addicted to
aren’t fun anymore. They make me sick. Like what?
-MDMA. I really can’t handle it anymore.
My body screams: ‘No, death.’ What happens?
-It’s fun for a bit, like 30 minutes. Then I get nauseous and headaches.
Just sick. My body says: ‘No, don’t do it.’
But I have used it an awful lot. What’s a lot?
-I think four days a week. For at least six months on end.
-That’s very intense. It’s intense stuff. True. But after so many times
it’s not that intense anymore. Which drug do you struggle with most?
-Right now that would be speed. What does it do for you?
-It helps me to understand the world. It takes away my negative thoughts,
so I believe everything will be fine. I have lust for life. For having fun.
And energy. It makes me feel better. I was struggling not to do drugs,
but then you do it anyway. You lose that battle every day.
You lose friends and you lose yourself. You want to stop using, but you can’t.
That doesn’t make any sense. Do you feel the need to use drugs now?
-Yes. Non-stop.
-All day long. Some moments are worse than others. If I’m really distracted by something else,
it’s not that bad. I wake up and go to bed with it.
It drives you crazy. How old were you when you started?
-I first smoked pot when I was 14. I first did hard drugs when I was 15. And when did you become addicted?
-Around when I turned 16. I was quickly addicted, because
I did drugs for the wrong reasons. It goes fast then. When I was almost 17,
I went to addiction care. You’re 22 now.
-That’s right. So you’ve been actually struggling
with drugs for over six years. You said that you used drugs
for the wrong reasons? The first times I didn’t use drugs
to party, but to feel better. Did you never think:
Shit, this is really bad for me? Not at that age. I wasn’t aware of that.
I didn’t get hangovers or anything. Now I’m aware of how bad it is.
I feel really bad now when it wears off. I was 22 years old
when I first heard of hard drugs. How did you come into contact
with drugs at such a young age? I hung out with a group, who I thought
were my friends, but they were dealers. They didn’t hang out with me
because they wanted to be friends… but because they realised
that I was unstable and depressed. And that I was basically desperate
and still very young. I wasn’t old enough to really think about
what I was doing. They gave me something to feel better.
When I used it I felt really good. I felt love for everything and everyone.
I felt super confident. I was super happy and cheerful.
Everything was fun. People were fun. The world was fine. I suddenly thought: Why do I think
there’s so much wrong in the world? It’s not that bad and I feel fine too. I lost a huge amount of weight.
My body felt really sick. Using drugs wasn’t fun anymore.
I ruined my nose. Everything fell apart.
I made me feel nauseous. You need to keep using more and more.
More than you can handle. My body was so weak,
I could no longer ride my bike. Sitting down for a long time hurt.
Lying down hurt. Everything hurt.
I couldn’t do anything. Could you sleep?
-No. How much did you weigh?
-44 kilos. Didn’t your environment
notice anything about you? They definitely did. It was hard not to. I still thought that I was an okay person,
but apparently I was no fun to be around. You didn’t realise that?
-No. No. I thought that I still looked healthy,
but when I look back at photos, I think… Jeez, I’m shocked.
What do you see when you look at it? An unhappy and broken person. But you’re not aware of that at the time. For a long time
I thought that I couldn’t get better. It becomes your image.
It’s familiar territory. I don’t even know if I want to get out,
but I do, but I don’t know who I am. You identify yourself as someone
who is addicted or who is unstable. That makes it so hard to get out. I know I can’t linger in that feeling,
because it solves nothing. Have you ever contemplated suicide?
-Yes, certainly. I’ve tried it a couple of times.
-To commit suicide? Yes.
-Jeez… When the addiction in your head speaks
and the cravings are killing you… you only think about the fun aspects,
but those are gone. You need to remember that it’s
no longer fun and never will be again. I often think that I can do it
one more time, but you just can’t. Because one time leads to more. You decided to go to a rehab centre.
-That’s right. Why did you decide to do that?
-Because I couldn’t go on any longer. First they put you in a detox ward. They don’t treat
the underlying problems there. You need to rest and detox.
That takes about two to three weeks. Is that hard?
-Yes, it really is. I saw sides of myself that I didn’t
recognise. I didn’t expect that. I thought I’d be chill about it,
but that wasn’t the case. I had fits. I tried to escape.
And I felt super lonely. Did you leave early?
-Yes. I stayed for two and a half weeks
in the last rehab clinic. Mainly because of pain problems.
The clinic couldn’t offer me… much more than some tramadol,
but I didn’t want to use too much of that. Were the pain problems a good excuse
to leave and go back home? No. I’m through with it. I do think that many people
in my environment believe that too. I get that. I’ve lied a lot in the past.
That’s how addiction works. So I’m not surprised by that.
It’s a pity though. You’ve kicked the habit before.
Why will you stay clean this time? I have a clear purpose now.
I get more support and I’m open. I’ve gone through so much shit now. I want to convert that into
a sort of energy to help others. I consider that as a new life purpose. That’s great, because people need
a life purpose. I didn’t really have one. I’m really struggling.
When I think about the downsides… and everything I could lose, I don’t want
to do it anymore, but I really fucking do. Are those the monsters in your head?
-Yes. I hear them all day long. I’m fighting hard to keep them at bay.
When will I stop trying? I find that scary, because after so many
years you should be done with it. That’s really scary.
I didn’t expect it to be this hard. Don’t you ever feel like
starting a new life without drugs? Last night I told my boyfriend
that I wouldn’t mind a normal life. Just watching television,
going to IKEA and eating casseroles. That sounds appealing.
-A quiet life? I think you’re brave and I wish you luck.
-Thank you. Well, I need to let this sink in. She’s a nice and intelligent woman.
She could’ve been my little sister. In my mind, an addict is someone
who lives in an alley. It makes you realise that using drugs
isn’t just fun and games. It has a really dark side. She a really tough girl,
but also very fragile. She said she used drugs to forget her
mental problems and to numb herself. That’s intense.
I’m glad that she’s doing well now. I think the conclusion of this story is:
Don’t do drugs to forget your problems. If you end up in a similar situation
and alarm bells go off: Talk to someone. It’s also a goal of Drugslab Extra to make
these kinds of taboos discussible. I think we made some progress
with that today. We’ll definitely keep you posted. This was Drugslab Extra for this week.
If you want to support Paulien… or if you have a story about addiction,
let us know in the comments. If you go partying, enjoy yourself,
but be careful and use your head. Lots of kisses. Bye. Two weeks later:
-This is a short update. I had a relapse.
Not one, but for several days. During the interview
I was confident that I would succeed. I really thought that I could do it,
but apparently not… because a dealer approached me
and I was too weak to resist. After the first time,
I couldn’t stop using. I was fucking angry with myself
and I didn’t understand myself. I still don’t understand myself.
I don’t know why it went wrong again. It was going fucking well,
but it’s so easy to mess things up again. I see addiction as
an alternate person within myself… who’s nagging me all day long
and who I’m constantly struggling with. I was winning the battle,
but now I’m losing it again. I fed that person and now it’s strong.
Stronger than I am, apparently. I wanted to be as honest about it
as possible so I came clean quickly. I’ve talked to counsellors. They told me that a relapse is normal. And that’s it’s part
of the recovery process. Because a recovery is a matter of
falling down and getting back up. You take a step back
and then one forward. I was told not to be upset with myself,
so I decided to try it again. It felt like that wasn’t possible,
but it was, so that’s what I did. I’ve been clean for a week now,
so that’s really great. I also feel more positive, healthier,
and happier and all those things. And very motivated. Next week
I’ll start to receive part-time treatment. Every week I have talks
with counsellors and at the hospital. I’m going to keep on fighting,
because I want a beautiful future… with my boyfriend,
and my cats and plants, of course.


  1. Goed dat Paulien er is en haar verhaal kan doen. Als vader van een tiener is dit prima om te zien dan maar alleen de lekker verkopende lollige kant. Complimenten aan drugslab.
    En Paulien, het zal vechten blijven, vermoeiend zijn en tegenvallen. Maar je kan dit klaren. Houd wilskracht en positiviteit. Wees trots op jezelf.

  2. Ok she is still doing shit, look at those fucking pupils she stares into the void man…. JUST DONT USE HARDDRUGS NERDS. NEVER. NOT EVEN ONCE. Keep it by slowing killing yourself with smoking drinking and smoking weed.

  3. Her serotonin levels are trashed from taking mdma 4 times a week for 6 months. No wonder she’s in such a dark place. I feel bad for her

  4. Lieve Paulien, super knap dat je zo open bent. Ik zie de strijd in je ogen en de krassen op je arm. Maar wat je zei is waar: jij BENT niet verslaafd, een persoon/ego in jou is dat. Ik hoop dat je dat los kan zien want dat kan je bevrijding geven. Hou vol!! Liefde liefde

  5. I am a regular user of stimulants.. mdma, speed, coke, benzos and I can relate to here a lot, on a smaller scale. I’ve been to a few raves/ festivals this year and it’s got to the point where I take mdma and only get a small amount of effects even with tested, clean Mandy and above normal dosages. There is either no serotonin left to release or my receptors are damaged…no euphoria at all.

  6. Zit hier ook met een speed verslaving van om de dag gebruik. hopelijk dat mijn 2 weken vakantie naar italie me hieruit haalt. sterkte naar iedereen die hier mee kampt!

  7. Depression and drug abuse go hand in hand. I am a recovering alcoholic (also did some drugs) who started drinking to escape loneliness and pain. It became a vicious cycle – depression then drinking, drinking then depression. You can see how sad Paulien is, this beautiful woman. Addiction and depression are both diseases that have to be dealt with on every level. Mine was a 15 year journey and I am 45 now. My biggest wish is to tell people who are still young, like Paulien, to stop now before your life disappears in front of you.

  8. Ook net weer voor de 2de keer uit de kliniek voor speed…
    Hoop er nu vanaf te kunnen blijven. want wat klote middel is het, maar toch zo aantrekkeliijk…

    Wens je veel sterkte. Houd je sterk 😉

  9. Maybe doing dmt can change your life. I heard many stories of people quitting addiction after a few ayahuasca trips!!

  10. ik vind ht interessant om naar jullie te kijken zo als dat jullie alles proberen….
    Maar ik denk ook tevens dat juist door dat ht bij jullie nooit mis kan gaan dat onze kids na ht kijken van jullie filmpjes juist nieuwschierig worden🤔 want die denken ooohhh kijk hun lekker gaan dus ht kan wel dat denk ik hoor als ik naar een van jullie filmpjes kijk dat de nieuwschierig heid juis toe neemt.

  11. Ahw echt sneu zo jong en dan al verslaafd aan drugs hoop dat je idd van dit een kracht maakt en iets positief maakt van je leven

  12. wat een mooie video! drugs is niet alleen maar leuk en plezier. ik wens Paulien alle sterkte van de hele wereld ❤

  13. My fiance had addiction, relapsed at times, and probably will have withdrawal for a long time. She used to forget and feel alive, and my mom did as well, my cousins as well, my idols as well. It has taken this long to look at drugs as any other substance, to understand that like anything else it only matters the context in which you use it, not that you use it at all. I look at cocaine and still remember all the pain it has brought, but now I understand it can't hurt me or my loved ones unless we let it.

    Thank you so much for educating and showcasing something the USA has demonized. I would love to talk with you and everyone else on this very unique show

  14. Respect! Er kan zo maar iets mis zitten in een kopje en daar uit vechten! Dikke tien X Je komt er wel! en anders help ik je graag

  15. Hoop dat de hulpverlening je goed kan helpen!. Een doelpunt tegen krijgen betekent niet dat je de wedstrijd hebt verloren!

  16. 1 : Heb je ooit het oprechte eerlijke verlangen gehad om helemaal te stoppen gebruiken van alcohol en/of drugs en is dit niet gelukt of 2 : Als je een maal begint kan je moeilijk stoppen met het gebruik van alcohol en/of drugs? Heb je 1 van deze 2 vragen met ja beantwoord dan ben je waarschijnlijk verslaafd, welkom bij Cocaine Anonymous, wij hebben een oplossing voor iedereen die een drugs en/of een alcoholprobleem heeft.

  17. As a Ex heroin addict, having done most every commonly found drug in the us, I love your show band this episode, wish you would do more videos on addiction!

  18. Mogelijk indien je goed kijkt naar andere om je heen en ziet, wie en wat zij niet zijn in werkelijkheid. Misschien weet je ineens wie jij dan al bent? Een sterk, mooi en zuiver mens met super veel zelfkennis. Daar hebben we er helaas niet zo veel van. Dankjewel voor je openheid!

  19. i was so close to trying speed… but i watched this video, and now I know i'll never ever touch it. I have such an addictive, obsessive personality and i know where that would lead. thank you ever so much for this <3

  20. I had a coke addiction for twenty years it caused untold pain for my family.I always worked full time but it nearly cost me my son and partner.I reckon I spend close to 50.000 pounds over the twenty years ! I kicked the habit by going cold turkey on my own and now three years clean.The demons still get in my head from time to time but I fight them off.Please Please don't do what I did I was a lucky one who had family around me who stood by me it will ruin your life and your health

  21. lol kater van xtc je bedoelt zekker van de drank 😂 nog nooit last van gehat met xtc de dip veder ook niet echt. alleen de experts weeten hoe je die tegen gaat gok ik 😂

  22. Sorry hoor.maar die nelly komt echt zo dom naief over na het interview,verslaafden wonen in stegen, onder welke steen heb jij geleefd

  23. Hi Paulien, I really wish for you that you find the selflove that is in my view key to solving your problems! Deepest respect for your honesty and courage to tell your story (by what you already helped other people as you said you wish to do in the future). There is a "normal" life with boyfriend, cat, plants and many more beautiful experiences waiting for you!

  24. All you need is Jesus. Jesus kan iedereen genezen en verlossen uit de verslaving. Ik ben eer ook zelf een van geweest. En ik wilde van de drugs af en van mijn verschikkelijk feeling van alle dingen van het verleden. Ik heb van alles geprobeerd om gelukkig te zijn en niks hielp of hielp tijdelijk. Ik heb echt permanent vrede en gelukkig en volledig gezenzen gevonden in Jesus. Hij heeft me verloos uit de geestelijk pijn,verdriet en verslaving. Verloos en genezen uit de Chronishe slaaploosheid. Ik ben en voel nu vrij en ik ervaar nu de grote liefde en vrede die geen verstaan kan begrijpen. Voor God is niks onmogelijk te genezen. Hij bescherme ons tegen alles. God is groot. sinds ik heb mijn hart geopend heb naar Jesus en door de nieuwsherigheid begon de gospel of Jesus te lezen. wie Jesus was. Het is mijn leven voor goed verander en ik lees tegenwordig de bijbel graag omdat waarheiden in zit. God zegen iedereen. Mogen jullie ook alle wegen geprobeerd om uit de drugs verlavingen uit te komen en niks help. all you need is Jesus en to pray en to accept Jesus in your heart als uw Lord en Heer. Als uw Redder and read his gospel. Romein 10:9 God bless you

  25. kunnen jullie iemand interviewen die een slechte ervaring heeft gehad met keta en dus iets van een khole heeft ervaren?

  26. Sorry Paulien but it's already been way too late, you played your game and you lost it, I'm not saying that you're wrong or that you deserve it, but time doesn't stand still for anyone, you can't miss speed if you don't hit it.

  27. Het is wel herkenbaar wat ze vertelde ik gebruik bijna 40 jaar drugs en van alles en nog wat na al die jaren heb ik er leren mee omgaan als iets moeilijk is is dat het wel

  28. Als ex wiet verslaafde kan ik alles begrijpen gebruiken omdat je je goed wil voelen ookal was het alleen wiet en voor de een werkt wiet maar voor mij niet

  29. Hey Paulien, wat een super intrigerend verhaal maar vooral heel herkenbaar. Ik kom deze video nu net tegen met een bord speed voor mijn neus en zet me wel weer aan het denken. Ik was tot voor kort 9 maanden clean totdat ook ik onder bepaalde druk ben bezweken. Ik ben zelfs van omgeving en personen gevlucht om dit vol te houden, maar tevergeefs zit ik er toch alweer een kleine maand helemaal in. Vooral dat wat je zei over een levensdoel raakte me op de zere plek, want laat nou juist dat het zijn dat er bij mij ontbreekt. Heel veel sterkte en succes met deze struggle ik weet als geen ander hoe het voelt en wat het inhoud,

    groetjes een verslaafd persoon wat zojuist weer 10 stappen terug gedaan heeft.

  30. Ben gelukkig al tijdje gestopt met al die harddrugs het lijkt moeilijk maar is het niet je moet gewoon een sterke eigen wil hebben en je moet zo denken je hebt het niet nodig om te leven voedsel en drinken wel

  31. Oke maar even serieus, deze vrouw is zo fokking mooi en sterk, ze maakt letterlijk van iets dat echt heel kut enz is, een doel en iets waar ze zich naar toe kan werken en op kan verheugen. Ik ken haar niet maar ik ben zo intens trots op dr. Echt wauuww

  32. jeetje echt heftig om deze kant van drugs ook eens te zien ik hoop voor haar dat ze geneest heel veel sterkte koppie er bij houden

  33. Y don't have to completely stop using it, that's very hard, almost impossible. The only thing u can do is to tell yourself, you are the boss, u control the drugs, don't let drug control u. By that I mean, u control when u use it, how much u use it. Control the frequency. Let the drug entertain u, a tool to serve u.

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