Life After Suicide | Ep. 35 | My Story With Addiction

Life After Suicide | Ep. 35 | My Story With Addiction

Hello, this is Rachel with life after losing my son to suicide if you haven’t already done so please subscribe Hit the notification bell that helps us get our message across to more people Every single one of you subscribing means a lot to us this is kind of a part two to my last video and what I wanted to talk to everyone about today, is that as I as I talk about my loss With suicide my loss of Isaiah my battle with depression now Isaiah’s battles with depression I feel that it’s important that I shed light on the fact that I struggle with depression. I have struggled with depression long before I ever had a Isaiah and There’s a lot of different things That I’ve gone through but today I feel that Something has led me to this point to talk about Substance abuse I know I’ve already done one video where I talk about how drinking is not for me and I’m gonna be honest I have drinken since then I have an addictive personality I’ve been addicted to a lot and To save face to anybody else out There because I’ve had a little bit of retaliation from some of my other videos because people don’t like it when I talk about them All of the things that I’m going to say to you now we’re choices that I made for myself I was about fourteen years old when I got my first minor consumption, I Was actually in school in junior high in class with my bestie Joani We took a mountain Dew bottle a 20-ounce Mountain Dew bottle and filled it with a concoction of different Alcohols you can Gag at any time, primarily McMasters That’s what my parents had and for whatever reason we decided to ditch class and drink in the girls bathroom We were doing pretty solid until about thirty minutes later when we reeked of alcohol, and we’re pretty much stumbling across the school That was the beginning of my treatment Fast-forward a few months and now I’m in high school Trying to fit in trying to make friends I was kind of nerdy I started experimenting with different things A lot of alcohol, but my one big drug of choice choice was actually acid, LSD. I have months of inpatient and outpatient treatment I have been in inpatient facilities I have slept in parks I have ran away from home. I’ve been kicked out. I’ve been in foster homes I have found myself and very dangerous and bad and scary scary situations At about 15 years old I think that’s when life just started getting really hard I was out of control Just pretty much partying every day ditching school Would go and party Go home and put on a straight face. Stay home for a few hours… If that. Leave, hang out with some friends come home Sneak out do it all over again. I was in pretty rough shape I’m actually in an educational drug video like a national like a Like a drug video like a treatment drug video an educational drug video to try to help people I’ll try to dig that out for you guys I’m pretty I don’t even say I’m pretty sure I know I was not sober in that video. I was on an all-night bender on that video But everything I said and it was true I hated my life I hated everything I hated the way I was being treated. I was hating the way I was treating myself. I was a lost and sad girl I got my first tattoos at 14 Obviously not this one but some other not-so-great tattoos that I’d love to get removed Who tattoos a 14 year old girl *sigh At about 16 is When I went to an alternative school, like I said before and met Steve and he was my Wonderwall We were trying to straighten out our lives at that time And thanks to him and thanks to Isaiah I did We all make choices in our lives We all make choices that were not proud of It’s what we do after that that defines us How we can dig ourselves out of that hole Climb out of that pool of depression Try to get your pilot light started again At some point I decided that I had a value and that I mattered At some point I decided that I didn’t want to be that damaged little girl So As much as there was probably a lot of circumstances that might have led up to the decisions and choices that I made I’m the one that chose to use the substances and I was the one that chose to stop using them We need to do that more often that’s a huge fucking accomplishment It is and I shouldn’t be ashamed of it I shouldn’t be ashamed of how people are going to judge me if they find out I shouldn’t have to worry that people are gonna think less of me because I have a past What I should be worried about is That they’re afraid of my strength my courage and my endurance. Those are the things that I should be afraid of We all have the power inside of us I know somebody that is trying to make a change today and This isn’t their first attempt at trying to make a change That makes you even stronger today because you didn’t give up Cody We believe in you You can do this Anybody out there that is struggling today or fighting a battle that we can’t see or we can see my heart goes out for you None of us are perfect We all struggle And it’s about time that instead of hiding those struggles We start being proud of them because all of those scars and all of those battle wounds and all of those memories They define us and they make us strong All right everybody If you have that in our light in you today that you can share share it share it share it share it Spread it. If not Keep that pilot light going for yourself if you can Think of all the things that you have accomplished, even if there are little. Little accomplishments make big compliments Alright Peace love happiness Spread that light and again, please subscribe. Alright everybody bye


  1. Been sitting here thinking about what to write for god knows how long now, I guess I just want to say thank you for sharing your stories. It's nice to hear someone being realistic (for lack of a better word) about the ups and downs of mental health issues etc.

  2. Thank you for being so open and honest, Rachel. You are such a kind, loving, and honest person. I struggle with depression as well. Some days are better, some days are truly difficult. All we can do is keep trying.

  3. Thank you for sharing! I started drinking at 14 as well and hanging with the wrong people. I arrived at a crossroad years later where I had to make some tough decisions. As you said, scars are not to be ashamed of! They tell a story and can give us strength because we fought and survived!

  4. Thank you Rachel❤ prayers for Cody and all others who struggle with Depression and addiction. Love yall❤

  5. Thanks for sharing your story. I'm proud you were able to stop and recover your life from that alcohol life. As for my family, we are still living under that hell, complete opposite, but my dad is the alcoholic, always been. So even from a young age, I vowed to never drink or try drugs in my life, which so far I'm happy I haven't, but living with one is a nightmare. That is true what you said, our past is what made us who we are to today. I hope to god you don't start drinking again, while I never struggled with that type of stuff, I know its deceiving and will only make things worse, trying to numb the pain or forget about all this, I know why people drink to begin with. I find this series hard to watch, because I know how it must have destroyed lives just with 1 suicide, yet with depression nothing else matters, you just want the pain to end, so its a hard fight just for the individual to either carry that weight or fail and bring others down with them. Stay strong rachel and don't ever give up.

  6. Thank you for the honesty ❤️you continue to inspire me ❤️my mom has a similar story except you’re a much better person than her ❤️my mom never learned to fix herself , eventually leading to my dads suicide and me and my siblings being taken away so thank you for telling this story because it’s given me a little bit of a better insight of maybe what she was thinking or did or went through … Rachel I’m so so so proud of you ❤️you’re such a brave and compassionate human ❤️thanks for continually inspiring me and showing me the different sides of life and grief. Thanks for enlightening me❤️keep your head up and it’s okay to not be okay 🦋you’re one hell of a woman and I am damn proud of you 🦋 you’ve got this!! You’re making a beautiful change ❤️

  7. Rachel, I lost my daughter to depression February 2, 2014. She was my only child. I am further along in the journey than you and it'a both harder and easier. Easier because I am further away from that horrible day that will forever be defined as before/after, and harder for the same reason. It's been so damn long since I saw my child's face, talked to her, texted her…So much of what you say rings true; I see her everywhere, she was the best part of me, my masterpiece. People say I am strong and I hear "You don't care enough". People say I did the best I could when I know damn well I didn't. I feel guilty, am guilty…when she was an embryo in my tummy I made mistakes, mistakes she ultimately had to pay for. Other grieving Moms say, all the time, "I keep going for my other kids", and it's like a kick in the gut…I have no other kids. Why the hell am I still here??? I know I have helped others. You are helping others. Unfortunately there will be cruel people who are probably hurting so badly themselves that will leave heartless comments and try to hurt you more. Keep posting videos anyway…because, guess what, world??? Nothing hurts as bad as losing your child to suicide. Nothing…and Rachel doesn't want to be doing this, she is in a club no one wants to join, but even as you try to hurt her more, she keeps going hoping you won't ever be in her position…or her son's. Keep going Rachel…please, keep going.

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  9. I'm truly sorry you've faced any backlash for any words you've spoken in your videos. It's nice to know this channel is doi ng something for you.. even if its temporary for the moment. All love, xo. I myself have gone through a lot of these same issues at a young age and often thought the same things.. what adult is giving girls alcohol and drugs? As an adult now I couldnt imagine wanting to party with children. If I saw a child doing anything remotely close to what I was doing at 14, I would flip out. I was tattooed at 16 myself by an adult artist, I traded him weed for the tattoo. Who does that?

  10. Hi Rachel.I dont even know how to begin. So I am 21 years old I have depression and ocd for about 4 years,I tried commiting suicide when I was 18 by taking 80-100 pills but I woke up in the hospital after 2 days.I remember my mum crying and saying why I did this saying that I was her whole world and she would never get over it if I ever die.The thing is that she reminds me a lot of you. So I was going well and met a girl and we had something special.Thats what I thought. So one day when we broke up I went again to the bottom. Now I am not okay and I deal with suicide thoughts,crying to much and stuff but I want to become better for the people that love me.For my mum who would be devastated If i do something to myself in the future.I am truly sorry for your son he seemed like a truly good and nice kid.I wish the best to you and your family and I hope that we can talk through the comment section if you want it too.Thank you

  11. Sending good will and cheer- may you grow strong and persist in the struggle. (Max Derrat hipped me to your videos)

  12. Max Derat mentioned this video, your words are extremely touching. Thank you, I started to cry during the video. You have a wonderful heart; stay strong.

  13. I'm so sorry for your loss. In my case I've faced my own depression and now I've a job where I look out for teenangers that may be vulnerable. Thanks for sharing this with all your honesty.

    Send you and your family warm regards.

  14. Rachel, thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. I wish I could take away the pain. I'm not as far into my journey as you, but it's good to know that what I'm feeling and going through after my son's suicide must be part of the grieving process. I don't know anyone who's lost a child so they don't understand my pain. Your videos have helped me tremendously, knowing that my feelings are real. Thank you for being so open, honest and vulnerable.

  15. My embarrassing addiction is self harm💔🤦🏽‍♀️. I wish it was something else but it’s not! And don’t worry if you dropped the f bomb! And who gives a shit if it makes someone uncomfortable🙄.

  16. I’m a recovering Opiod addict..I carry so much shame and have affected my children negatively…Its very obvious the damage caused to my oldest son from me and his dad. He found my ex husband dead with the needle still in his arm last year so even though I’m sober and working on things he has still been going through so much due to his own parents…🥺. I’m three years sober now. Almost four. I’m dedicated to giving my children the mother they deserve. I strive to heal the wounds I’ve caused and let them know they are loved beyond words and how deeply sorry I am. I cry often just thinking of how I didn’t play barbies with my daughter because I wasn’t feeling good or just consumed in my addiction. I can’t even comprehend how I let years go by like this.. I finally have support myself and that helps me stay sober. Guilt and shame would and used to consume me but although I still carry it I try to be positive and gain respect from those I love. I just wanted to share my story, we are all healing and through Gods grace I think we will be ok. 💗💗

  17. I just some how stumbled across your channel . We have much in common. Meaning much pain, knowledge and being taught certain life experiences. Like, why is it some of us have more than others? Each video I'm watching and listening to is impacting me bc I've done so much of the same when I was a teenager and even into young adulthood. I'm fortunate to come across you . Your pain and hurt that's in your eyes I know and recognize . It makes me get teary eyed bc I know .. and maybe I was meant to stumble across you .. I'm not sure how but I'm glad. I'm sorry and would never wish this pain on any other being in this world. You don't or won't know til you do. You're inspiring and being a voice and did better than me at the time of my horrible decisions and breakdowns due to what was going on around me.

  18. I remember when I was doing a cbt/dbt course an they had a visual of the journey going up hill. It wasn’t strait. There are dips an valleys an climbs. That it is ok if your journey goes down it will go back up. The downs are less likely to be as deep as the ones before.
    This has helps me A lot. Knowing a down is ok an every part that seems like an end is merely a beginning to a new part of the journey.

  19. With the issues around complements, did you ever find someone intend to show they care by saying something nice to you and that you knew they felt was truthful from a logical perspective. However, the rest of you (and what feels like most of you at the time!) feels what was said as an insult? Like the words actually physically and emotionally hurt badly, and for a long period of time (sometimes several days). It's as if they literally physically threw things designed to hurt through the air? That you'd actually prefer they genuinely insult you, as it physically and emotionally hurts less and for less time I am trying to work out if that's normal? If others feel this?

  20. Dear Rachel, try and listen to this short video: Maybe it helps you even if just a tiny little bit.

  21. Hi. I am a young french girl I live in Paris and I struggle with depression and suicidal ideas. You help me even though I can't say I'm cured , it is an everyday hard struggle. But thanks, really. I wanna hug you and help you back. You are so strong I admire you

  22. Do you know why Isaiah was depressed? Iv been watching your videos and you are appreciated. I have a son myself . When your ready can you share more of what happened before his passing? Your perception on if anything seemed like a red flag ? What was his home life like ? Your relationship with him. My heart goes out to you . Sending hugs . Taking notes . The videos give lots of information but not on how he got there . It’s only known that he is depressed . Please continue to share

  23. Rachel I too have a big past. I'd rather not talk details on here but if you'd ever like to I wouldn't mind telling you because your story is a lot like mine and even more so as I watch these videos of your life after….my life after I went down some bad bad roads…I hope I can be here should you ever need guidance so you don't go down those I am here for you…prayers peace love and light to YOU and yours ALWAYS!!✌🙏🌹🌹🌹🌹

  24. Im so sorry for ur loss. Since i hve watched some of your videos i hve sat here and cried w u!! God bless u and ur family!!!

  25. Somehow you must find you and get closer to God. That is our purpose, a test of Faith. When I get in a slump over the lose of the love of my life. I.often think about what Jesus went through for us…to have his mother watch her only son to get beaten to death, and there was nothing she could of said or do, to be hopeless, desperate to save her innocent son. How sick is that! Do we all have to suffer in some ways in life..?
    Of course it is unavoidable. Nothing in life is all what we think it would or should be..somethings we must learn and grow from of these experiences. Hold your head up high and walk through the storm. Don't give up and cherish life.God Bless!

  26. I appreciate your openness and honesty about the struggles you have not only experienced but also overcome in your life. Your strength and the way you continue on putting one foot in front of the other even in the darkest of times is inspiring.

  27. Sorry for your loss x but it will end . I too suffered from depression over some years. 2 marriages and 4 and half later I feel free ! I'm with a good man now .I now know mistakes! Xx bless you xxx .

  28. My heart knows your heart, my 24 yr old son died in 2011 after taking an antidepressant prescribed by kaiser based on an 8 minute appointment, no talk therapy, just a pill that caused him to die of Serotonin Syndrome , a build up of serotonin in the brain.
    I’m sorry for your struggles growing up and as an adult. It’s hard to just survive after losing a child. It’s especially hard when you carry so many scares. Peace be with you.

  29. Rachal you asked how I keep going. Watch you now really helps having medication with counseling helps getting help with addiction helps so there is no giving up. If I want to give up I will remember you your family or just lay down till can manage the pain or insanity. All fails talk to a higher power realizing this pain will pass.

  30. This video really helped me out. I wish I could actually talk to you. I love you man. You're an amazing person

  31. Your videos have really touched me. A few years ago I struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts and I’m so glad I never acted on it because I would never want to put any of my family members through this. Thank you for sharing and please know that you are so worthy of the Lord’s love and grace ❤️

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