Signs We’re Making Progress in Our Recovery from Child Abuse

Signs We’re Making Progress in Our Recovery from Child Abuse

Athena: Aloha everyone and thank you so much
for tuning in to another week of Trauma Recovery University. I’m your host Athena Moberg and with us in
the green room of course is your incredible co-host Bobbi Parish and thank you to everyone
that is already here early live watching for our weekly Q&A for adult survivors of child
abuse. I want to let you know that this broadcast
for the next hour so we’ll be discussing childhood abuse oftentimes childhood sexual abuse and
it can be potentially triggering and Bobbi is going to give us some really great resources
if we are triggered and who we can contact and how we can reach out but I just want to
take a moment to welcome each and every one of you. I see so many familiar faces and send us your
tweets using the hash tag NoMoreShame; send us your questions or comments or wins on the
topic of signs we’re making progress in our recovery journey. So, progress is one of those topics that people
have a really hard time with, sometimes. I know it sounds sort of counterintuitive
that they would have issues or problems with the topic of progress but the issue isn’t
in the topic of progress in our recovery or signs we’re making progress. The issue is in our interpretation or confusion
or maybe lack of noticing progress in our own lives. In other words, we feel like we’re doing really,
really good; we’re not as triggered by certain things and our family members that used to
really trigger us and upset us text us and email us or stop by or we see them and it
doesn’t even phase us and everything’s great and then all of a sudden, it does phase us
and it does trigger us and then it and then all of a sudden we feel like, “Well, I thought
I was better. I thought I was doing so great and now I’m
back where I started. All of my progress has been deleted.” And I’m here to tell you that your progress
has not been deleted. Progress is still progress even if sometimes
we go back and forth between certain areas of our recovery. Everything is the season and feelings are
feelings and we are here to sort of unpack the whole topic of what are the signs that
we are making progress even if we don’t notice the progress ourselves because we’re feeling
so frustrated that we’re not farther along. We’re not over it by now. “Gosh! That was so long ago. When are we going to get past it? Why can’t I just be normal?” All these like shaming and shutting and all
these other statements that are sort of thrown at us by society by our families by ourselves. Such a loaded topic and I just have to save
that this is our second Twitter chat of the week. If you’re not familiar with our broadcast,
we have three Twitter chats a week. First one being hash tag CSAQT which is at
10 AM Pacific 1 PM Eastern and 6 PM Greenwich Mean Time for our friends over in the UK and
then this is our second Twitter chat of the week hash tag NoMoreShame which as you can
see is a live interactive Twitter chat with a video component so we can sort of answer
your questions and talk with you and we sometimes we read emails. I got another email that I would love to share
with you guys during our broadcast and but I would just love to turn this over to Bobbi
and sort of talk about some content and discuss this really important topic of signs we’re
making recovery and before we move a little bit further and I hand it over to my partner
Bobbi, I would love if you would take this opportunity to allow us to thank you and the
way we like to thank you is by giving you complimentary access to tonight’s downloadable
PDF resource. Every week, we give you a complimentary download. Every week, it matches up with the topic of
the week and if you head on over to one of our websites either
or our project website which is, you will see a tab that says downloadables. If you click on downloadables, you’ll be asked
for your email and then you will get instant access to not only tonight’s downloadable
PDF resource which is titled signs we are making progress in our recovery but you’ll
get access to our entire library of downloadable PDF resources which now there’s like 80 or
90 or something, it is like a lot and there’s almost a hundred hours of video content over
on our YouTube channel. You’ll see a tab for that on the website as
well and so we just want to say thank you. If you’re listening on a podcast on iTunes,
Stitchers, Breaker, Sound Cloud, iHeart Radio wherever you’re finding us if you’re finding
us anywhere but on our YouTube channel or our Roku TV channel, I want to let you know
this is a video broadcast and we love to just interact with you live every single week. So if this video ends up being helpful for
you in any way, we would love that you would hit the like button and share it and subscribe
to our channel and without further ado, I’m just going to hand this over to my partner
Bobbi Parish and she is going to lead us in our educational portion of tonight’s broadcast. Take it away Bobbi. Bobbi: Hi, everybody! I am just furiously greeting people who are
here already. It’s so exciting. August is here. Baby girl, Lee Ann… Lee Ann, you were with us this morning too
so hi I’m leaving back at you. Kate is here. Phoenix is here. Khalisha is here. So many people… Dominique’s going to be
here soon. She already sent a message saying she was
headed this way as soon as she finished her chores so it is wonderful to see everyone
and I’m so glad that you’re here and we’re so honored that you would take an hour out
of your week to spend time with us and learn more about recovery and the process of recovery
as a survivor of childhood abuse. Before we go any further, I want to issue
another trigger warning. This is a video broadcast. This is a podcast about recovering from childhood
abuse and we will specifically talk about recovery from childhood sexual abuse. Hearing this, watching this may be triggering
for you so if at any time you’re triggered, just go ahead and shut this down; walk away
from it. They are—all the broadcasts if you’re watching
it live, they are recorded. They’ll be up on YouTube within a matter of
a couple of hours and you can watch them. Come back any time. You don’t have to miss out if you’re watching
live and you get triggered. So don’t hesitate to just shut things down. We don’t want you to feel badly while you’re
watching one of the videos or to feel badly after watching one of the videos. So feel free to just walk away from it. Do some processing, grounding, distracting
and then you can come back later and view the rest of it if you’re ready. If you are in crisis or you are triggered,
we would love to refer you to our friends at RAINN—that’s the Rape Abuse Incest National
Network and they’re available in Canada and the United States toll-free at 1-800-656-HOPE,
H-O-P-E. Again that’s 1-800-656-HOPE, HOPE and if
you—they also have worldwide available to anyone on the world who has internet a crisis
chat feature on their website So you can access—anybody can access that
from anytime and then if you are in the United Kingdom, you can reach out to the Samaritans
and the Samaritans… excuse me! Have a toll-free number… in the UK, they
have offices that you can go into and you can also reach out via email to Jo and that’s
Jo, [email protected] So all of those are resources that are available
to you and again as Athena said, tonight we’re talking about signs of progress in your recovery
because we tend to lose sight. We might get triggered about something that
we haven’t been triggered by in a long time and think we’re losing ground or we might
just have a hard time in general seeing progress in our recovery and that makes so much sense
because we were conditioned to watch for the negative things as children. Focusing on the positive didn’t keep us safe. Focusing on the negative was what kept us
safe because it kept us looking for signs of someone being in a bad mood, looking for
impending doom, looking for dangerous situations. We were constantly scanning our horizon and
scanning the people in front us to see if there were dangerous or unsafe conditions
ahead so we could prepare for them. So we didn’t survive by focusing on the positive;
we survived by needing to focus on the negative and even more so. Chances are quite high than if we were raised
with in an abusive dysfunctional situation, our caregivers did not focus on the positive;
more often, they probably focused on the negative and so we learned to do that from them. So we learned to do it from our environment
and we learned to do it from our caretakers and then we go into adulthood and we no longer
have to be constantly scanning our environment to see who’s going to harm us to the extent
that we didn’t when we were children. Now, it’s okay to learn to focus on positive
but we have to learn how to do that. So we’re going to give you some road signs
tonight so that if you’re traveling on in your recovery journey and you see this happening,
you know you’re making progress or if you see this happening, you know you’re making
progress or this happening. Athena: Tracy’s here! Bobbi: Hi, Tracy! We’re just going to make it—we’re just going
to go through. We’ve got quite a list to go through of signs
that you know you’re making progress in your recovery. So that it’s black and white, no doubt, completely
objective; you know when you are making progress because you see one of these signs and you
know and it’s telling you, you know, 200 miles gained on the road to recovery because you’ve
done this and it’s just not something anymore that you have to worry about. “Gosh! Is that a sign? Is that not a sign? Do I have to ask people? Do you see me making progress in my recovery?” And we see—we get that question a lot—a
lot to people. Athena: Yes. We definitely do. Bobbi: Because it is so hard for us to see
our own progress. Athena: Often times Bobbi… I think it’s worth mentioning Bobbi. You and I—you and I have talked about this
off the air so many times that I think it’s worth mentioning on the live broadcast and
that is when we were younger. Oftentimes if we grew up in an environment
that was dysfunctional or abusive, our accomplishments were not acknowledged that it wasn’t like
many of us had like our spelling test on refrigerator and, “Yeah, let’s go out for ice cream and
celebrate the fact that you won your swim meet.” and you know, “Yay! Accomplishment! You’re doing so good.” often times if we like did anything really
awesome or super exciting or we got student of the month or you know, we got a smiley
face on one of our some things or we got like an 01 on like behavior or whatever it was
like if we give you like O’s for outstanding and whatever like along with you’re A, B,
C, D, F like there was also like the O’s and anyway so oftentimes if we were excited about
some progress that we were making and we’re like, “Hey! Hey! Hey! Guess what? Guess what?” and they’re like sometimes
and I can only speak for my own situation. They’d be like, “Well, okay. Just shut the F up. I’m watching TV or just hurry up and get your
chores done. I already told you about it 14 times.” Or, “Okay! Okay! Okay! I already heard you. Gosh like or you’re getting a big head. I mean, come on like really? Like you… this is the reason why I don’t
ever tell you that you’re doing anything good because you’re going to be like boasting and
bragging all the time like come on! Get over yourself. The dogs need to be fed. You need to water the horse. You need to go outside. What’s going on?” like so for us almost and I can only speak
for myself… accomplishment and progress and something is almost like I go to get excited
about it and I almost catch myself because when I do—when I used to get excited about
something, it was always met with something that was either violent or it was derogatory
and it wasn’t something that was positive and so that kind of brainwashing bullshit
is really difficult to delete you guys. Sorry for the cussing. Bobbi: Yeah! It—it’s almost like when we go to celebrate
progress, we feel like we’re being boastful or prying… Athena: We’re doing something wrong—we’re
doing something wrong. Bobbi: Right! We’re doing something wrong. It brings up that feeling of, “Oh gosh! I probably I better not do this.” you know, “I probably better not say anything.” and it’s interesting Athena that you talk
about you know, their responses from your parents and my responses were more like, “Well,
yeah! That’s what we expected. We’re not going to congratulate you for something
that we expect you to do.” So you know, there was no; there was no, “Yeah! You did great.” It was like, “Well, yeah. Good.” you know, “We expect nothing less.” and
so there was no celebration of, “Yeah! It did great.” It’s like, “Okay. You met our standards. You get to live for another…” no. I’m kidding. I wasn’t life and death. Athena: Wow! Bobbi: But… Athena: But still that… I mean guys like I’m sure that we’re going
to get some tweets like, “That was me. That was my family. Oh my gosh!” you know? You’re not alone in this you guys. We just want you to know you’re not alone. If your response or your acknowledgement to
accomplishment style was more towards my family or if your acknowledgement of accomplishment
was more towards Bobbi’s type of family where it was very like it was, “Yes! We expect nothing less from you because you’re
perfect. You’re supposed to be perfect or whatever.” No! You’re not alone. I mean and there’s all—there’s the black
and the white and there’s always a million zillion different shades of whatever else
is sprinkled in the middle of a response and I’m not trying to place judgment on a whole
bunch of families that have different ways of rewarding their children but I am going
to say this because this is our broadcast. If you are not saying to your children or
if you were not told by your parents, “I’m so proud of you. Well done. You really worked hard and you earned that
A and hi-five! Awesome like I’m super proud of you.” If you were told anything but that or some
version of that, chances are this broadcasts that you’re going to be watching is going
to help you because you probably have been making progress for so long and you didn’t
even know it was progress or you were kind of afraid to mention it and anyway, you’re
not alone. You’re not alone and there is definitely a
huge spectrum of healthy to unhealthy to toxic to abusive to exploitative, you know, in a
zillion other adjectives to describe different family dynamics but this is specifically for
the adult survivor of child abuse specifically even childhood sexual abuse or human trafficking
and how to tell if we are making progress even though our sensors are sort of like messed
up or not accurate sometimes because our sensors can get messed up and they’re not always accurate
right, Bobbi? Bobbi: Right, Exactly! But with road signs then you can go by the
road sign system and those road signs that we’re going to give you are pretty darn accurate. It was the most awesome thing this morning
to go to chat and initially people seemed a little hesitant, “What’s the topic? What are we talking about?” but as soon
as people really started putting their ideas and their thoughts out there about, “What
are signs that I’m recovering?” It was like this tidal wave of awesome feedback
that people were giving of like, “Yeah! Now, I do this. I do this. Oh yeah, you’re right. You know, I’m sleeping better. I’m finding it easier to take care of myself.” and it was just… it was so amazing this
morning in chat to see that focus beyond celebrating one another’s accomplishments and beyond acknowledging
how far we’ve all come. It was so cool. Athena: Well, it was amazing and we had some
people because our Twitter chat on Monday mornings you guys is mostly and specifically
it was started for our British contingency. We started to have this huge audience of people
that were in the UK and they’re like, “But your chats are all at 2 in the morning, what
about us?” and so anyway, that’s how it all kind of started and we had one specific—one
of our people from the UK come and say, “Wow! I’m just going to sit here and favorite every
single tweet because this is so positive and encouraging for me. I am so excited. I’m so excited by this. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.” and it was like, “Wow! It really is super, you know, encouraging.” We spend so much of our time fighting you
guys and struggling because you know, mental illness and debilitating, you know, auto immune
deficiencies and all kinds of crazy things that go along with surviving trauma especially
for an extended period of time or even if it was a one-time occurrence. It can be hard. Life is difficult. Life is already complicated and difficult
if you don’t have any issues from childhood like trauma and isolation and abuse but when
you add all of that and it sort of compounds on top of one another to come to a chat that
is normally like, “Okay. I’m going to brace myself. I’m going to work through this issue that
I have right now because I care about my wellness.” and go, “Wait! I just get to celebrate today? Woo! This is a vacation.” It was almost like we had like a vacation
day or like a holiday. Bobbi, don’t you think? Well, it is president’s day but you know
what I mean. Bobbi: That’s true but you know I forgot that
because not everybody had much off here in Texas today. You know and I think it’s a good reminder
because we focus a lot on our broadcasts about the hard things and the challenges but it
was because we want so much for y’all not to go through what we went through. We want to give you a head up—heads up so
to speak. You know a boost but it is nice to talk about
the positive and the good things and so we’re going to try and mix it up a little bit more
so that we have more celebration along with how to ways to get through the hard stuff. So it is-it was absolutely wonderful this
morning to see everyone’s accomplishments and to see people cheering each other on and
saying, “That’s great! I’m really proud of you.” you know awesome progress because you know,
usually get a lot of that and hopefully as we move through a recovery we’re getting healthier
and healthier relationships and so we’re getting more and more of that but especially when
we’re new to recovery, we might be in some pretty toxic relationships or we might be
pretty isolated and so we don’t get those kind of you know, “Yay! Congrats.” feedback very often and we know one more reason
why Athena and I push so hard for survivors to get involved in community because that
kind of feedback is so motivating to have people validate. Yes! You are making progress. I see it and to have people give you the perspective
of you know, you’re moving—you’re going forward. Whatever you’re doing, keep doing it because
it’s getting you forward. Those are so. Athena: People making comments on that topic
Bobbi. We have Liana saying, “Or like when you
make progress but you’re afraid to share it because you don’t want to jinx it.” That’s a really big one too. That’s a misnomer and my parents were not
my abusers but they reminded me so much about being humble so I never deserved a pat on
the back for a job well done. Ever since you did blank, you think you are
so perfect. Pride goes before the fall and I mean for
scripture to be taken out of context like that and used against children that are just
excited that they got an A on a spelling test is just, it’s just wrong you guys like that’s
why we are here to share with you how proud we are of you for all the progress you’ve
made whether it was getting an A on a spelling test when you were seven or the progress you’re
making in your recovery like we’re proud of you. We’re celebrating you. We’re celebrating the growth that you’ve experienced
and the journey that you’ve made and the commitment. You-it takes a lot of commitment to want to
get past and recover and heal from childhood trauma. So we really want to just acknowledge you
guys and just take this moment to say we’re really proud of you. Bobbi: Yeah! You know, Tracy brought up something that
I haven’t seen very often but she says that her parents responded with, “Oh! You got picked to be in the musical? Well, now I have to drive you there.” Athena: Oh! I got that one. Oh my goodness! Bobbi: It’s like, you know, you’re like you’re
doing a good thing and convenience to them so then that therefore made it not a good
thing. That’s so painful to have that taken away
from you. You know, what child doesn’t want to have
their parents celebrate their accomplishments with them. That’s so important and that is so critical
to building up a child’s self-esteem and self-confidence. So you sometimes have to do that yourself
now that you’re an adult and we talked before about parenting ourselves and it’s hard but
we still kind of have to do it we have to give ourselves that Atta boy and that you’re
doing a good job to build up our own self-confidence. So we have to share. Athena: Bobbi? Grace Hope says, “I know this might sound
stupid but I feel ashamed of my therapist says you did good work today.” It’s not stupid Grace Hope. It’s not stupid at all because sometimes when
people tell us that we’re doing really good like this can also come into play which we
have not mentioned this week but we’ve mentioned it in prior weeks and Bobbi, you can chime
in anytime but that is sometimes when people were being nice so they’re saying, “Oh! You did such a good job. I’m so proud of you. Come here. Give me a hug. Oh! Want to sit on my lap? Oh my goodness! Oh! Your dress is so pretty.” You know I mean it could lead to other things. The grooming process is really complicated
you guys and that could even have twisted and turned and sort of like flip-flopped in’
and got all braided and tangled up with like using praise or congratulatory comments in
order to lure and it’s just really messy and it’s really delicate so Grace Hope it’s not
stupid. Nothing—first of all, nothing that you say
or do or any of us say or do is stupid. We’re all in a different place in our recovery
and that is something that is an area of growth for you and we just want to tell you we’re
proud of you and if that is uncomfortable for you, I’m sorry but we really are proud
of you and we’re hoping that this can be a safe space for you to receive that praise
and know that we’re not preying upon you or wanting anything in return. We just want to tell you we’re proud of you
and we want to celebrate with you, Bobbi… your thoughts on that? Bobbi: And I think for some of us too, it
gets wrapped up in the issue of someone being an authority figure. We can accept praise and congratulations more
easily from our peers than for someone who is in our mind an authority figure and for
many of us, our therapist or psychologist or psychiatrist is an authority figure and
so and you know and that ties in some of what Athena said of you know authority figures
who’ve misused their power in the past and sometimes it’s just that need within us to
want to please our authority figures and so the praise not quite sure if it’s all good. It’s a ploy. It’s not right and so it comes into play and
it’s the best thing that I can tell anyone to do is just to sit with it to say thank
you and over time it will grow. You’ll grow more comfortable with it. Over time, you will have more trust established
with your therapist so that you’ll know that when they say something, that’s what they
really mean. They’re not trying to trick you. They’re not trying to misuse you and over
time it will get easier and over time you’ll be able to accept that praise more holy meaning
whole not holy like with a halo over my head but you know, it’s okay too to tell your therapist. If they say, “I think you’re doing good
work or I think you did good work today.” It’s perfectly fine to say, “I really; I
don’t trust that.” Athena: or-or Bobbi; Bobbi, remember when
we very first started meeting a couple years ago and then you would say, you know, you
realize like you’re a blessing like you’re doing good things like you know that right
and I would say, “I want to believe you but I don’t think I believe you. I’m sorry. I trust you but I don’t believe you. I’m really sorry.” Remember that? Bobbi: Yes! But you know, but over time, you got to the
point where you could receive that and I think that’s what I want so much for our peeps to
know and think that… Athena: Oh! I lost you. I’m back. Sorry. Something just happened. It just deleted everything. Bobbi: Are you there? Wow! This is weird. Now, we have two of you of Athena. Whoa now 3. Athena: Uh-oh! I don’t know what’s going on. It just keeps saying us now. Bobbi: Okay. Hang on! I’m going to go out and come back. Athena: Oh boy! Okay guys. I don’t. I’m not sure exactly what is going on. I’m not a hundred percent sure why it’s doing
what it’s doing but it looks like we still have everybody here with us on the video. Apologies for the software guys! Bobbi: It’s somehow weird. Athena: I don’t really know what to say other
than like Google is upset with us or something. Oh look! They’re dropping off. Oh! This is good, good, good, good, good. Maybe, we can eject. Eject! Yes! I want to eject that person. Okay. So back on topic, okay so there’s—so there’s
so much of… I know that August and another person we’re
talking back and forth like, “Why is it that we have such a hard time receiving any
type of congratulatory comment about our progress?” and I hope that the comments that Bobbi and
I have been giving you and the reasons behind that and the old tapes and the conditioning
and the grooming and the triggers and all of the stuff that’s sort of like we say like
a pile of baklava and spaghetti. I hope that helps you guys. If it helps, will you tweet us and just and
just let us know if that helps? What did I miss when I went out Bobbi or did
it kick you out as well? Bobbi: No, no, no! You did fine. We were just talking. Oh look I lost my name tag and everything. How bizarre! Should we move on to talking about the OnePage? Athena: Yeah! That’s awesome. I just, I feel bad that like the software
is being so crazy and that our video is going to be jumble. Maybe Harriet can edit this stuff out. I don’t know Harriet if you get this and you
see that it’s crazy and you can carefully and beautifully edit it so that it’s wonderful
then that would be awesome feel free but yeah, I would love to move it into our OnePage comment. I’m trying to keep up with everybody’s tweets
you guys but I mean, there are so many of you here and it’s hard to keep up. I’m on like 7 minutes behind on the tweet
stream you guys so please just give me some mercy and grace because this… just help
a girl out. I just need some mercy and grace right about
now. So… oh! Jack says that everyone’s sharing during CSAQT
this morning. We’re delightfully electric and joyful. I love your choice of vernacular Jack. It is so encouraging. Thank you. Bobbi: Okay Angela is here. Hi, Angela! It’s good to see you. Athena: Hi, Angela! Bobbi: Let’s take a look at the OnePage. Let’s see here. Okay. Athena: Oh! Sarah says she was always compared to others
and not enough. Oh Sarah, you deserve so much more than that
sweetie. You’re so awesome. We are so proud of you. Bobbi: And you are more than enough. Athena: More—so much more than enough. Oh my goodness! Kate says, “This may sound ridiculous but
praise can be triggering to me so when people mean it in a good way, it’s really hard for
me to hear.” Kate but you are not alone honey. You are not alone. Oh my goodness! You are not alone seriously. Oh! Shelly Ann says she ends up blushing. Oh! I know… Bobbi: That’s okay. Athena: You guys remember when I told you
that we were during a chat like I think it was several months back and someone told me
that I was beautiful or gorgeous or something and I almost peed. You guys-you guys, when you have damage to
your body or you have triggers from prior trauma and something that is said to you triggers
that, you don’t have complete control of your faculties in those moments. So I mean if it’s a trigger or if it’s a ninja
trigger like someone saying that I was gorgeous or something like that then please don’t shame
yourself if you can help it or if you have been shaming yourself, I’m hoping you can
reframe it into something that you can, you know, some grow from and learn to appreciate
and enjoy somehow. Bobbi: Yeah! You know, shaming is a biological response—not
shaming, blushing. Whoa! That was a terrible mix-up but a purely biological
response. Athena: Yes. Bobbi: And it’s okay. Okay, okay, okay and I want to give a shout
out to Stu who’s at the gatehouse tonight with his peeps watching. Stu has been a member of our community I believe
since we first started and we are so thrilled to have him in our community and to have him
doing such awesome work that he does at the gate house and for sharing us with other people. Athena: Yeah. Thank you so much Stu. Bobbi: So let’s look at our OnePage and again
this is available on the web page You see a tab up at the top that says downloadables;
just click on that and you will see a whole list—long list of all the topics that we
have covered since we started a year and a half ago and we… Typically, the newest topic is at the bottom
of the list. We’re working on reversing that now. Athena: We reverse it. It’s all set. Bobbi: Okay so now the newest topic is at
the top so there you go first topic but don’t hesitate to scroll through the rest and print
off any that you want to. That’s why we put them together so you could
print them off, put them in a binder, put them on a bulletin board, whatever you need
to do so you have them right there available and ready whenever you need them. So what we’re talking about today are common
signs that your recovery is moving forward and this first part like all of our OnePages
contains some information or education about the topic and here we’re talking about why
survivors tend not to see their own recovery and sometimes it’s because we grew up in a
home where positive things didn’t happen. You know, we were never shown how to focus
on the positive. Our parents or caretakers, our siblings—whoever
we were around, we’re always focusing on the negative and that’s what we learned. Sometimes, it’s a mechanism of trying to stay
safe because we’re always scanning the horizon to see who’s upset, what’s going on so that
we can try and prevent ourselves from being attacked or abused and sometimes it is just
hard to recognize that we have done anything good because we have been shown throughout
our childhood and sometimes into our adulthood that we’re bad and bad people can’t do good
things therefore we will never be able to do a good thing but all of that is wrong. You are more than capable of doing good things
and you are more than capable of making progress in your recovery. So we’re going to give you some road signs. These are not subjective. These are objective signs that you are making
recovery—making progress in your recovery that you are recovering. Now, are you going to see all of these at
once? Nope. Will you see all of these through the course
of your recovery? Maybe not. Will you see some this year, something next
year, you know, some a couple months later? Probably. So there’s no pattern or rhyme or reason to
which these will show up on your recovery journey. That’s not what the order means nothing, okay? So this isn’t the order that you’re going
to see them. Not one of these is not a more important than
the other. It’s just that these are some standard road
signs that you will see that you can look at and go, “Hey! Look! That means I’m getting better. I’m recovering.” Okay? So the first one: We become more resilient
and what is resilient mean but resilience means we bounce back from difficult or traumatic
experiences quicker and more easily than we have before, okay? I can’t remember who I was talking to recently
about triggers, you know, that our triggers never completely go away but we will get more
resilient in dealing with them. Okay so whereas… okay, say for example something
triggering for me is when, you know, a man that I’ve barely known will come up to me
and put his arm around me and you know, invade my personal space and just start chit-chatting
up a storm with me without my even, you know, knowing very much who he is. That triggers me. I know I’m getting better when I can recover
from that trigger within a matter of a couple of hours instead of it knocking my feet underneath
me for the rest of the day, for the next couple of days because it brings up all sorts of
images and movies and voices and flashbacks in my head. So that’s… Athena: That was very powerful imagery Bobbi
like movies and flashbacks and all. I mean, yes, yes, yes, yes. Bobbi: Yeah. So you—when you notice that you are becoming
more resilient, you will notice that that means you’re getting better. You’re making progress. Athena: You bounce back faster. Bobbi: Yep! You bounce back faster. Our distress tolerance increases. We’ve talked a little bit in the last couple
of videos as a matter of fact about distress tolerance and we have a video out there talking
about coping with overwhelming emotions. It is very difficult typically for survivors
to tolerate distress. Distress meaning uncomfortable situations,
uncomfortable emotions… for example: In my household, anger was not tolerated and
so for me to feel anger is very distressing and so in the past if I felt that feeling
of anger and I was distressed, I might start to overeat or binge eat in order to soothe
that emotion inside me but as my distress tolerance increases meaning I become more
tolerant with the feeling of anger because I learned that just because I feel angry doesn’t
mean something bad is going to happen. It’s just a feeling. It’s not good. It’s not bad. It’s nothing. It’s just a feeling. I think that is going to happen to me. I am not going to do something bad to someone
else because I feel angry. Now, I’m able to tolerate the feeling of anger
without reaching for an unhealthy coping mechanism. That’s called distress tolerance. That is a primary skill that is taught in
DBT therapy (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) Athena: Hey, Bobbi! Stu says that when he’s given a compliment,
he holds a stone in his pocket and he gives gratitude back keeping—it helps to keep
him grounded. Bobbi: I like that. Athena: That is really awesome Stu. That is an excellent tool because sometimes
you guys, sometimes like we were saying earlier—we’re not comfortable with those compliments. We don’t know what they’re going to lead to. We don’t know where they’re coming from. We don’t know the intent. We don’t know if someone’s being sincere or
like Dominique and I were saying previously, you get paid to say that. I want to believe you but I don’t believe
you. So that is an excellent strategy Stu to stay
grounded because it can be triggering and how do you ground yourself? Bobbi: Right. Athena: So that’s wonderful. Thanks for sharing Stu. Bobbi: Yes. This next one… our frustration tolerance increases. A frustration tolerance is a marker that I
was used in grad school to gage recovery when especially amongst children, especially amongst
adolescents and you know those of us who were raised in an environment that was really not
strong on language skills. So we’ve become adults sometimes without the
language skills to express the complicated and complex emotions that we might be feeling
and so because we can’t do that and we become frustrated then we become frustrated and we
might again reach for an unhealthy coping mechanism. So when we can tolerate a situation and not
become frustrated, you know, you’re rushing in the morning. You were already late and you can’t find your
car keys. For the 500th time this month, you can’t find
your car keys and you get frustrated and you get more frustrated and more frustrated and
more frustrated as time passed as the clock ticks by. Now, you’re yelling at people. Now, you’re, you know, you’re picking the
mail up and throwing it back down on the counter because your keys are not underneath it. You’re just getting very, very frustrated. Athena: Yeah. Bobbi: When you see that situations like that
don’t throw you for a loop anymore, you become more tolerant. It’s like, “Wow! Okay. Can’t find my keys and they’re not under here. Has anybody seen my keys?” you’re not yelling. You’re not doing anything other than just
looking for your keys. That’s an indication that you are making recovery
progress. Athena: Hey, Bobbi. On the topic of why it’s difficult to receive
messages regarding making progress… Grace Hope was saying that she feels shame
because her mom would say on wait until they see the real you then they’ll know what I
had to put up with and I remember. Bobbi: That was horrible. Athena: I got told something very, very similar
by my family members saying, “You know what? This is just one accomplishment. Of course that is what you did. You are in our family. Of course you did that. Just wait. Just wait.” and then when they get really
frustrated with you, they’ll say, “You know what? I hope you grow up to have five children just
like yourself then you’ll know what I had to put up with.” That’s what I got. I got that one similar to yours Grace. Oh my goodness gracious! Bobbi: The reality is we would probably all
love to have five Athena’s right? Athena: I don’t know. Bobbi: Right? Right? Athena: I don’t know about that. I want to believe you Bobbi but I don’t think
I believe you right now. Bobbi: Oh! Maybe not five because I’m not sure it would
take five of anything five children because that’s just not. I’m not equipped for that one but I would
have taken several. Athena: Oh! Thank you. I think I feel the same way about having a
few Bobbi’s around for real. Jack says that—Jack’s says he can resonate
with what Grace Hope was sharing because he was told, “If you don’t do X, Y and Z, no
good girl is going to ever want to marry you.” and then he says, “Ha!” Simi showed her. Bobbi: That’s right. Athena: His wife. Bobbi: Exactly. Exactly! Athena: That’s growth right there. That’s growth right there you guys. Bobbi: Yes so the next on our list is we begin
to experience and express emotions that previously felt off limits or were too frightening to
experience like anger. Oh! I had a client the other day tell me that
she felt anger for like 2 minutes and she was so excited because that was the most she
had ever felt anger without shutting the lid on that feeling because it was too frightening. Athena: That’s wonderful. Bobbi: For others, you know, I can’t tell
you how many clients I have sat with who have not wanted to look into or accept the pain
that they felt about their abuse because they were afraid. If they went to that place and they felt that
pain, they would be swallowed whole by it and never ever, ever be able to come back. So when you start to be able to experience
feelings they you didn’t use to be able to—that is a good sign of recovery progress. When we utilize fewer negative coping skills
like dissociation, overeating, drinking, yelling, you know, whatever coping mechanism that we
have turned to in the past that has been unhealthy for us; when we start to see ourselves picking
those up less and less often, that’s a sign of recovery and even anytime less often. Athena: Eva’s here. Hi, Eva unless you pronounce it Eva. She says, “I hope you have a daughter just
like you.” Wow! Yes! Sorry to interrupt Bobbi. I just thought I wanted to give Eva a shout
out because I rarely get to say hi to her on camera so thank you Eva. Bobbi: When our self-talk is more positive
and supportive than negative and destructive and this can be a really, really hard one
because, you know, more often than not we did self-talk just maybe 4 weeks ago talking
about how we internalize the messages that were given to us by our abusers and so learning
positive self-talk is hard and but when you begin to see some progress in that area. You know in some of these… we’re not talking
about huge amounts of progress. I’m talking about if one time less today than
yesterday, you said something negative to yourself about yourself—that’s progress,
okay? It’s a long. Athena: I’m having progress then. I definitely identify with that one. Bobbi: Yeah! You know, it’s a long road you guys. I wish I could tell you, “Oh! You know, hey! Stick with us. We’ve got the magic cure. You know, 90 days from now, you’ll be cured
but wait! There’s more. You know, if you pay twice the amount of money,
we’ll get you healed 45 days.” It’s not going to happen. Athena: But wait… Bobbi: That’s right. We’ll give you set of steak knives too. Yeah! But wait there’s more. It’s not as hard hopefully as what Athena
and I went through because you know there are so many more resources available now but
it’s not a journey that you’re going to just charge forward through and so any sign of
progress is good. Any sign of progress is okay to celebrate. The next one—we have increased hope about
our future and believe that it holds a life we will enjoy living. Okay. That is huge and when you’re in the middle
of recovery and things everywhere you turn, everything is hard and it seems like no matter
which way you go it’s uncomfortable it’s difficult. You know, it’s like slogging uphill through
mud with a 55-pound backpack on 24/7. When you can start to see some glimmer that
that’s going to end and you believe that even if you can’t see it that it will end. That is a sign of progress in your recovery. We recognize and own the truth that our abuse
was not our fault and I’m here to tell you that’s a huge turning point in your recovery. When you no longer take the blame that your
abuser wanted you to take for what happened, that is huge progress and from that you’re
going to see so many changes in your recovery. You’re going to see less shame, less social
isolation, more compassion. That one right there is it’s a central turning
point. And the next one—we begin owning and exercising
our personal power to support ourselves in our recovery, okay? And we’ve talked about this before. We didn’t have any control when we were little. We had no power. The most power we had was to do what we thought
was the best thing we needed to do to stay alive and get through it but now as adults,
we have all kinds of power and when we take our power back and we stand up at-for anything,
you know, I can remember the days when for me being powerful meant telling the guy at
the restaurant that what he just put down in front of me was not what I ordered. That was it. Athena: I still struggle with that. Bobbi: You know… Athena: I do. I still struggle. Bobbi: I understand. I understand like I said some of us are going
to, you know, do different things in different order and for me, you know, that was one of
the first things I tackled with my power. Athena: August says that her maladaptive daydreaming
has almost vanished and I told her that is huge progress. Way to go August. Bobbi: Yeah! You know, I can remember when I first heard
that term August. It’s like maladaptive daydreaming. “What’s that? Oh! Wait. I do that.” once I’ve read the definition, “Oh! I do that a lot.” Yeah! I got a whole world in my head and they are
nice people and I like it in there. You know, it’s much more a friendly place
to be inside my head than sometimes it is out in the real world. So I’m with you there August and for me, I
know that I’m hitting a hard patch if that’s what I’m doing more often. So obviously, the opposite then would be true
if I’m not invested in my daydreaming as much that means I’m moving forward. Here’s a good one: we practice self-care more
frequently and with greater self-compassion. Okay? So when you make progress; when you are able
to provide yourself with more self-care and instead of wrestling and out of, you know,
the grip of death that you have upon it that feels like you don’t deserve any self-care;
when you’re able to freely give it to yourself so give it with greater compassion that too
is a sign that you are making progress in your recovery and remember, you can start
small. Self-care for you today can be turning on
the radio and just dancing for 5 minutes—that’s self-care. There you go. You win. There’s no miscellaneous arbitrary standard
that says you don’t win it self-care unless you do it for 3 hours a day and it’s something
huge and awesome like going to the spa. Athena: Or yoga. Bobbi: Or yoga or you know, just no. Self-care can be something nice you do for
yourself no matter what quantity and no matter what it is so… Athena: Simi says, “Thanks for all the positivity
you guys. I was feeling depressed before and now I am
beginning to feel better.” You are welcome Simi. We are so proud of you. Thank you for being here. Bobbi, this is helping so many people. I have so many different tweets coming in. Bobbi: Well, I think that celebrating our
recovery is something maybe that we’re just so used to not doing. Athena: Yeah! Bobbi: Or rather not used to doing I think
is the way I put it. Athena: Yeah. Bobbi: And so when we do it, it really helps. Athena: August says, “I think a progress
of mine is realizing how impactful the abuse was and no longer minimize it.” That is huge progress when you are not minimizing
August. I want to acknowledge that because we were
trained very skillfully to minimize. I actually; I got completely gas lit about
whenever I would try to bring up something and I would say, “Well, this is what happened
and I just need to let you know that I feel that that was wrong.” and they would say, “What are you talking
about? That never happened.” “Yes, it did.” and you guys, I have to
say that an area of progress for me in my recovery is I don’t believe the lie anymore. I don’t doubt my reality and my truth and
the truth of what my life was like as often as I used to and that is progress for me. Do I still doubt? Bobbi will be able to tell you because she
knows me very, very, very well because we work together so often. Yes. I still doubt. I have dreams that with voices and family
members and things and stuff and I still doubt but I doubt less you guys. Bobbi: Right yes and you know if you walk
away from tonight’s broadcast with anything… I really want you to walk away from—with
the fact of knowing that any amount of any of these is a really good thing, okay? We’re not setting a measuring stick on anything. So if you feel, you know, one iota better—you
do one iota better on self-care; you take back your power, you know, one infinitesimal
amount great, it counts, it matters, it’s all worth celebrating because I promise that
the more that you celebrate the small things, the more they will become big things because
you’re setting yourself up for success and you are building your self-confidence and
you’re building your self-esteem and all of that is going to lead to progress. Okay. Here’s another one: we maintain positive growth
and coping strategies during times of stress and challenge rather than reverting to old
coping strategies and behaviors that don’t serve us. This is a big one and I find myself, you know,
Athena talked about when we just came on the air about, you know, I thought I had gotten
that right and then boom! A trigger came up and I went back. I reverted back. Athena: All of my progress was deleted. Bobbi: Right and the reality is that’s the
way our brain functions. When we become stressed; when we’re overstressed,
overwhelmed, our brain will reach back to its most primitive responses. It’s just the way our brain works but when
we solidify those healthy responses more and more into our brain into us into our way of
being then we are less and less likely to be so triggered and so upset that we revert
that far back. So the more that you see yourself when you’re
triggered; when you’re stressed; when you’re overwhelmed reaching back for those old habits
rather than staying in the new ones that you have grounded then that’s a sign of recovery. Athena: Bobbi. Baby girl says now—she now realizes that
her past was just a story and now she is on to a new book. Baby Girl, that is such progress. That’s amazing. For all of you who do not know Baby Girl on
Twitter, her Twitter handle is don’t run baby girl. She is a ted speaker. A TedEx speaker you guys. She has given talks on her testimony of her
childhood sexual abuse and I just have to tell you what an encouragement she has been
to me and to Bobbi and just the work that we’re doing with survivors and you know that
is huge you guys to make. That is a huge sign of progress if you are
able to say, “You know what? My past does not define me. My abuse does not define me. It is something that happened to me. It is not me. It’s not the core of who I am.” That is big, big, big, big, big progress you
guys even if you only believed it for a minute and then you go back to feeling whatever you
were feeling previously. You felt it. You felt it and you got a glimmer of that
and you will begin to realize the truth about yourself and your recovery and your strength
and your and who you really are as a person just as you continue to press on; even if
it feels like all your recovery progress has been deleted because you feel triggered by
something it’s not like you feel that progress like baby girl was just talking about realizing
that it doesn’t define you and that it’s just a story. That’s all it is then yes, it happened. We don’t want to minimize the power of what
happened to you but it does not define your future. You get to take your power back. You get to take your life back. You get to unashamedly participate in this
thing called recovery and reclaim your life or not even reclaim it how Bobbi and I always
say something like claiming it for the very first time. Bobbi: Right. Athena: Well-done baby girl. Bobbi: She-Jodi, if you want people to know
to watch your TedEx video… can you put the link out on your Twitter profile so people
can watch it. I feel uncomfortable giving your full real
name for people to look it up without your permission so… Athena: I hope it’s okay that I mentioned
that—that I mentioned her ted talk. I hope that’s ok. Bobbi: I can’t see why not but if you want
people to see it, would you put the link out on your Twitter profile or just out on a tweet
for us baby girl so people can go and look at it. It really is quite powerful. Athena: Yeah! Simi says that progress for her is sometimes
just to remembering to wash her hair. It feels like a big deal. Girlfriend, I am with you. You are not alone there. Oh my word! Khalisha says, “I’ve made progress in less
extreme startle response distress tolerance so fewer times.” She self-harms fewer times. That is huge progress Khalisha. We are so proud of you. Baby girl says another sign of her post-traumatic
growth is that she actually loves going to therapy now. Confetti! Wow! Bobbi: We have two more here to go. The second to last one is that we have built
and are able to maintain strong boundaries against toxic people and toxic treatment,
okay? So just building the boundaries is hard than
maintaining the boundaries can be hard as well but when we make progress in that area,
that means you’re making progress in your recovery and then this last one—we experienced
a decrease in our PTSD symptoms like nightmares, intrusive thoughts, disrupted sleep. A lot of people were talking about that this
morning in chat saying, “You know I don’t have as many nightmares as I used to. I sleep better.” All of those—whenever you see those symptoms
from your PTSD dropping or perhaps you—not only do you have PTSD but perhaps you have
depression so you see their symptoms of depression getting better. All of that is an indicator that you are making
progress in your recovery. Athena: Yeah. Bobbi: There we go! Athena: I am just so proud of everybody. Oh my goodness gracious! August says that she some… an area of progress
for her is that she felt a decrease in her shame for like 2 minutes and it was really
freeing but yet it was uncomfortable and I want to say hallelujah amen. Me too, sister! Hello! Oh my gosh! Sometimes, I almost feel like I’m feeling
super awesome great. Whoa! Wait a second. Is the rug going to be ripped out? Is the rug going to get ripped out from underneath
my feet like I’m afraid that people good because every time I got to feel good and like super
proud of myself, something bad happens and that… I just have been learning just through all
this works that Bobbi and I have been doing and through many years of recovery like Bobbi
and I have like 30, 40 something years in recovery between us but like I’m learning
over time you guys that that is wrong thinking. It is wrong thinking. I have worked hard to find wellness and wholeness
and I am sincerely grateful for the progress I have made and I… like Simi just said,
“Every victory deserves to be celebrated.” A victory is a victory is a victory is a victory
and I am here to say yes! That is so true. We’re celebrating with you guys. Good job. Bobbi: Both Simi and Jack are reminding us
that Jodi does have her TedEx talk linked in the bio on her Twitter account. Athena: Oh good. Bobbi: So if you want to watch it apparently,
go to her Twitter homepage ‘don’t run baby girl’ at don’t know baby girl and the link
to the video up on YouTube is in her bio and you can watch it. Athena: Awesome! Thank you so much Jack and Simi. You guys are awesome. Gosh! I think we’re going to be transitioning you
guys. We’re going to be transitioning into the portion
of our broadcast where we… I do not know what happened what was going
on for real. Google! Bobbi: Gremlins. Athena: Mister. Okay this is out of control. Are you kidding me right now? Please don’t happen again. Please don’t happen again. Please don’t happen again. We are going to be transitioning to the portion
of our broadcasts where we share with you how you can get plugged in to safe community
with other survivors and so I just want real quick for all of you that showed up live. We still have. Gosh! We still have people. We’re running just a little bit about 5
minutes over but we still have a whole bunch of people here. So thank you, thank you, thank you for being
just part of our favorite day of the entire week because we get to come and hang out and
spend time with you guys and please continue to share with us what is helpful for you;
what parts of our broadcasts are the most helpful for you; what topics you would like
us to discuss. We do have next week on deck. What does a healthy relationship look like? That’s going to be the topic next week. We know what toxicity looks like as adult
survivors of childhood abuse. We know what abuse looks like. We also know what gas lighting and manipulation
and all kinds of different manipulative tactics. We know what unsafe people look like but we’re
going to take a look at characteristics of safe people and characteristics of healthy
relationships and we’re going to discuss that sort of like so that you don’t have to reinvent
the wheel every time you are getting ready to like go into a relationship. You can actually go, “Wait a second! I have that grid. I have that grid. I have that guideline. I’m going to run this person in this relationship
through this grid to see if it’s healthy and to see if it’s safe.” So that’s what’s up on deck for next week
for Trauma Recovery University hash tag NoMoreShame hash tag CSAQT hash tag Sexabusechat next
week in the 3rd week of February. I just really quickly Bobbi; I don’t I think
I might have already asked you but do you want to say goodbye or anything to everybody
before they take off? If you guys are going to—unless you’re going
to stick around and hang out with us and learn how you can share with other people how to
be in safe community. Did you want to say anything to everybody? Bobbi: No. Just here I am. Look at my video—the graphic. I just want to say thank you everyone for
coming here and being with us and sharing so openly on a public forum like Twitter. We’re always so honored that you trust us
to step out and share the hard things and the happy things so thank you. Athena: Yeah. We are so grateful you guys. I really quickly want to …as we’re transitioning
into the portion of our broadcast that outlines how you can get plugged into safe community,
there was a little bit of some stuff going on behind the scenes just over the weekend. There was a messaging that was going on and
some of the verbiage that was used in this private messaging with regards to the safe
communities that we have in place… the word therapy community or therapy group was used
and I just want to be real, real, real, real clear. Yes, Bobbi has a master’s degree. She’s amazing. She’s smart. She has all the letters after her name. She’s fabulously incredible in a million other
ways besides the fact that she has a master’s degree and she’s been a therapist for I don’t
even know how many years but the groups—the safe groups that we invite you to every single
week are not therapy groups. We’re not inviting you into therapy if you—we
also type out in tweets and say verbally every single week, if you are triggered or you need
professional help reach out to a licensed professional and we don’t advertise these
safe groups to invite you and welcome you into as under the guise of therapy. So if you are joining our safe community,
it’s because you’ve watched our videos; you have come to know us; you think that you feel
safe with us and you’d like to be welcomed into safe community with other survivors to
give support, receive support and it’s safe community with other survivors. It is not therapy. So I just want to get that out there and make
sure that that is super-duper clear because I feel like somehow it’s gotten lost in translation
or miscommunicated or misconstrued. So that’s all I really had to say before we
transition into this portion Bobbi. Bobbi: Okay-dokie. I will transition. There we go. Athena: It looks awesome. Bobbi: Here we are. Athena: I love that picture of us in Texas. Bobbi: Me too. Okay so here are some ways to connect with
Athena and I if you would like to. Via email, I’m [email protected] Athena is [email protected] and
then we have our joint email account which is [email protected] We do our very, very, very, very best to get
back to you as soon as we can. Please be patient with us because it’s just
the two of us doing this along with, you know, having families and full-time jobs and all
sorts of other things. So if we don’t get back to you within the
timeframe that you would expect, we would just ask for a little bit of grace as we work
to cover as many bases as we can with only 2 arms a piece so 4 arms altogether. If you would like to connect with us on Twitter,
I am Bobbi L Parish. Athena is Athena Moberg and Trauma Recovery
University is Trauma Recovery U. If you would like to connect with us on Facebook
–the Trauma Recovery University page is Trauma Recovery University. My professional page is Bobbi Parish coaching
and consulting. My personal page is Bobbi Parish. Athena’s professional page is Athena Moberg
speaking and her personal page is Dawn Athena Moberg. We have all of our broadcasts up in video
format on YouTube. You can go to YouTube and do a search for
Trauma Recovery University. We also have them up on our Roku TV channel
that is available again just doing a search for Trauma Recovery University. We’re also available on Google plus and then
if you would like to tune in on these video broadcasts or connect with us, you may do
so 24/7 365 at and the capitals do matter. They make a difference. Athena: Yeah! They do. Bobbi: In that instance, they do. Athena: We lost your fancy-dancy logo with
your name and your title and everything again because of the Google software. Not like you need to fix it but I just wanted
to let you know we lost it again. Bobbi: Okay. Let’s see here. Present to everyone. Okay. Here are the opportunities that we have for
you to connect with our community of survivors. You may do so… whoa! A little more close to mine. We have as Athena mentioned the three twitter
chats a week. First one is on Monday using the hash tag
CSAQT and that stands for Child Sexual Abuse Question Time and it is at 10 o’clock Pacific
Time and 6 PM in the UK. Tonight right here if you’re watching us live
is the second Twitter chat combined with a live video broadcast and that is at 6 PM Pacific
time and that ends up being at 2 o’clock in the morning on Tuesdays if you’re in the UK
and then Tuesday night at 6 o’clock, we’ve tried to be consistent so things are at 6
o’clock, 6 o’clock Pacific time 9 o’clock Eastern or Wednesday at 2 o’clock in the morning
is the original sex abuse chat hash tag Sexabusechat and then if you would like to connect with
us through Facebook and belong to one of our community support groups not therapy groups,
you can do that by using this simple 4-step process and we ask that you use this process
because it is truly the most speedy and easy way for you to get inserted into one of our
support groups other ways much more complicated and don’t happen as fast. So just go ahead and use this method and you
will get results much more quickly. So like the Trauma Recovery University Facebook
page like I just showed you on the other side and then send friend request to both Athena
and I. Send them to both of us please because you never know when one of us might be able
to get back to you before the other and then after one of us or both of us have accepted
your friend request then send us a private Facebook message saying you know, “I’d like
to heal in safe community. I’d like to belong to one of your support
groups.” And then we can’t connect with you if you
send us a message before we accept your friend request. It goes into our infamous other folder, we
get no notifications there’s anything in there and it just sits for a long, long time. So wait until we accept your friend request
and then we’ll reach out to you. If we do not already know you from one of
our Twitter chats or from interacting with you on Twitter or having met you in person
and in vent then we will likely ask you some questions. Athena: Yeah! I wanted to just say something really; really
quickly Bobbi if that’s okay. Bobbi: Sure. Athena: The vetting process you guys—we
normally will just ask you a few questions and I had a lot of interaction over the weekend. I don’t know if it’s because it was Valentine’s
Day and or what but like it was just a very, very, very busy weekend of people connecting
and wondering about getting plugged in but we do ask you a few questions. We ask you about your abuse. We ask you, you know, different questions
like you know, “How old are you when you’re abused?” or, “Are you still in touch? What are your recovery goals?” and I want
to be really clear like one or two of our safe communities are—we are all there to
encourage one another. We come from all walks of life all different
countries where big, small, rich, poor, everything. I mean, gay-straight… everyone is welcome
unless you are a predator and you prey on other humans you’re welcome in our group and
we ask that you accept us with love the way we accept you with love and that is unconditionally
and non-judgmentally. So, you know, there’s prayer; there’s support;
there—that’s the dynamic that are in that is in our one of our specific groups if not
a couple of them. We do have some other groups that are a little
bit more loosely that, you know, little bit… I don’t want to say loose but it’s just; it’s
different. There are different but once we ask those
questions and we get to know you a little better, we—the way that I usually will word
this is I’m asking you these questions because then I will know which group you will be best—you’ll
be most comfortable in like I want to know where you’re coming from. I want to know what you’re about. I want to know some of your hot button so
that I know what group that you’ll feel most comfortable in. So we hope you don’t take offense to the questions
because we really are asking because we care and we desire to put you in contact with safe
people so that you can grow exponentially in your recovery and not be like stuck and
stagnant the way that I was for so many years before I found sex abuse chat and Twitter
and we started all of this. So that’s all I wanted to say Bobbi. Bobbi: Then I had a thought and it just left
my head then hopefully the train will come back around but if not. Wow! Yeah. Lost that one. So I think that’s it in terms of all the things
that I have shared in screens and slides and slides and screens. Athena: Stu was saying that one of his signs
of recovery—one of the first signs of progress in his recovery was when he started saying
no and not feeling bad about it and I told him that was one of my first times also. That’s huge. I mean, that’s having a healthy boundary and
boundaries are terrifying for survivors. Bobbi: Yup! It is. Athena: So yeah. Bobbi: That’s a healthy boundary—learning
to say no and not feel bad about it. I mean, that’s huge. I mean even feeling the fear and feeling the
uncomfortable feels and then doing it anyway, that’s having a healthy boundary but when
you don’t feel bad about it—that is huge progress. So this is such a joy for us to come here
every single week and hang out with you guys. We’re going to say a very fond farewell to
you until next week where we’ll be talking about safe relationships, healthy relationships. There was a question on the Twitter stream
“Is this going to be all about romantic relationships or will it be relationships
in general?” and the answer is both—all relationships and romantic relationships. We’ll be discussing the whole gamut of relationships—work
relationships, interpersonal relationships, family relationships. How do you navigate through that? Sometimes it can look like a really muddy
soup and just what does it look like to have healthy relationships with people? And we’ll go through all the different dynamics
of people. So Bobbi, did you have anything that you wanted
to say to everybody before we say goodbye? Bobbi: No! Just thank you everyone for being here and
we look forward to seeing you next week for focus some more on really positive parts of
recovery and knowing how we’re getting better. Athena: Yeah! Awesome! Well, thank you for sharing your evening with
us. I’m Athena Moberg and this is Bobbi Parish
and we love to bring you everything you need for healthy informed trauma recovery. We will see you next week on the topic of
what do healthy relationships look like. Aloha everyone!


  1. I feel so much support, and recognize the words i use to understand myself, thank you for putting in writing what my deep battles. not alone anymore 🙂

  2. I have taken my power back and have been standing up for myself more and more. Your analogy about receiving the wrong food order is so on point! I used to just tolerate it and have been working towards speaking up for myself!

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