The ‘Sabrina The Teenage Witch’ When She Became A Crackhead For Pancakes

The ‘Sabrina The Teenage Witch’ When She Became A Crackhead For Pancakes


(Bell chime jingle) – [Narrator] Sabrina’s
conjuring up breakfast. How about pancakes? Noooooooooooo Hilda and Zelda warned she
must never eat them cakes. She has a genetic pre-witch position to pancake addiction. One bite, she’ll be hooked for life. Sabrina ignores her aunt’s clear cautions and chomps that yummy stacker. She’s fine, no problem. She can put this stuff
down any time she wants. Sabrina corners Harvey, enjoying a casual, standing hallway cake to get a taste. Harvey tells her to scram but Sabrina, a full blown Bisquick fiend hounds him. – I’m not a fiend. – [Narrator] Classic fiend talk. Witch-ney Houston fishes
a half eaten pancake out of the trash to rub it on her gums then attacks a peer in the chance he’s got what she needs. Sabrina is licking Harvey’s
hands for cake juice and shaking like Rick James
at Nino Brown’s funeral. – I’m in the mood for pancakes. Are you holding? – [Narrator] We need to
raise money for prom. Come on now, no bad ideas. – Pancakes. – [Narrator] Okay, maybe some bad ideas. Sabrina, do you mean a
pancake breakfast fundraiser? Sabrina’s beamed up to Mrs.
Butter worth’s mother ship. – Do you have any? – [Narrator] But because
pretty blonde ladies can go crazy and nobody cares, the pancake breakfast is on. Sabrina Downey Jr. Is ransacking
the house for product. Licking ham for the glaze, dumping maple on apples, shaking like Charlie
Sheen on the 4th of July. Salem catches her in the kitchen, whipping up some midnight flap rocks. She’s caught white handed, terrified the school will discover her shameful addiction. Salem offers to help with a syrup potion that makes pancakes
taste like rancid booty. She says thanks by choking
the shit out of him. Let’s hope her twitchy,
dusty ass, blasphemous dope fiend hands can get it done. Sabrina’s got her
anti-pancake pancake syrup but gets distracted by doughy morsels. Swooped! Libby tries taunting her with a floor cake except Sabrina, full
of grace, is un-phased. Let’s party, uh- oh. Where is the magic sauce? – Oh, these taste awful. – [Narrator] It must be her syrup, except it ain’t. Libby was grossed out by a blueberry. Libby’s a stuck up asshole. Sabrina goes full pookie,
the teenage witch. Based out her damn skull
off that crepe rock, moving through the room
like the Tasmanian devil of slamming them fluffy thangs. Sabrina comes home looking ready to take down Indiana Jones, thicker than a molasses milkshake. Bootleg Doogie Howser
puts her on a crash diet and pops her Missy Elliot get up. Problem solved, except not at all. She’s still a dang junkie. Zelda locks Sabrina in
her room to go cold-turkey while she rescues Hilda from a B plot. It’ll build character. – I don’t want character, I want pancakes. – [Narrator] I hear that, sister. Sabrina does a fun “the clock is crawling as I tidy up to take my mind off pancakes” montage because people kicking heroin are known for their
meticulous living spaces. Sabrina has a dope dream
from her griddle sweats and everyone’s bopping around singing about, you guess it, pancakes. – (singing) The answer to the
riddle is cakes on the griddle – [Narrator] A song bad
enough to make you want to trade in those pancakes
for a hit of rock cocaine. Sabrina wakes up from
her musical nightmare to find Salem in a stack of dough boys and a syrup lady who wants
to take her someplace nice. Sure, why not, let’s party. The sticky stranger whisks Sabrina away to an international pancake house, that’s basically a crack
house for breakfast where she can fiend out
with her fellow cake heads. Sabrina has a hasty moment of clarity. She abandoned her friends
and family for pancakes. Syrup lady says hush, who needs those losers when you’ve got pancakes? Do it, Sabrina. Eat them cakes, girl. Eat them cakes, eat them cakes girl. Eat them cakes, eat them cakes, girl. Eat them cakes, girl,
eat them cakes, girl. (shrieks) Sabrina breakfast-quiem
for a dream is over, but was it enough? You want a taste, little lady? Well, do ya? Of course she does, they’re pancakes. They’re delicious and she
will always be jonesing. She has to take it one day at a time, like any serious addiction that involves hallucinating a syrup lady. But we’re not done. There’s a credit scene
where Sabrina yells at Salem in a bar to seek treatment, because a crippling catnip addiction is ruining his life. Hilarious for anyone whose ever had to have a similar conversation. So what did we learn today? Inescapable, self destructive, hereditary chemical dependence is very much a laughing matter, complete with musical numbers and field trips with new friends. If you ignore your elders about drugs, as teens will do, no problem. Kick that monkey by cleaning
your room and taking a nap, and witch or mortal, pancakes are never this addictive, but you can’t smoke crack
Friday nights on ABC. See you next time, on A Very Special Episode. (bell chime jingle)

100 comments

  1. So she went 2-3 seasons in and NOT eat pancakes? The world of heterosexual witches is a sick and boring life.

  2. 1:54 the Indiana jones line is killing me. I laughed so hard I got rice up my nose and just finally sneezed it out all over my desk

  3. So in the first scene she conjured them up out of thin air, then for the rest of the show she couldn't seem to get her hands on any for some reason? Makes sense I guess.

  4. "Sabrina has a dope dream from her griddle sweats." Is something I never thought would actually pull a joke along surprisingly well.

  5. Yea… listen to your elders 😂🤣 I remember my mom tried to give me the why you shouldn't do drugs talk, and then she went and got fucked up every single day. Definitely taught me why not to get fucked up though!

  6. I have a number of questions:

    1) How did Sabrina just happen to not have pancakes for umpteen years of her life?
    2) Why is Sabrina making pancakes from scratch when she could just conjure them up earlier?
    3) Why doesn't Harvey give her the damn thing if he was just going to throw it out?
    4) Why did she go to the pancake breakfast if she knew there was going to be wall-to-wall temptations?
    5) Why is she cooking pancakes when she could just conjure them up earlier in the episode?
    6) Zelda knows how to splice genes, why can't she just remove the "pancakes=crack" gene?
    7) Does Seth MacFarlane expect me to believe that he wasn't aware of this when he wrote the Family Guy episode where Stewie gets addicted to pancakes?

  7. No Lindsay Sloane in this episode? Nah, I ain't feeling it. I could care less if Sabrina turns into a pancake ho.

  8. I guess those foster parents in "Family Guy" who took in Stewie were right. Pancakes is street for crack.

  9. Wait a minute!!!! Wait…. Wait! Did you Just say "breakfriast for a dream." ???! Dude your killing it!

  10. 1:09 Mary Gross is one of my favorite SNL alums. Fun factoid- they reshot this episode in the new reboot on netflix. Sabrina sacrifices Harvey to Satan . When she stabs him in the heart..he bleeds pancake syrup.

  11. Griddle sweat,syrup lady,"Eat them cakes eat them cakes eat them cakes!" HahahahHHahha

    Where the hell have you been all my life,narrator-guy!?

  12. I just remember changing to this when she walked in fat then pulled out a pancake. I switched to waffles for a brief period.

  13. I was HO-ping she became an actual crack-Head-du who likes se-pan-kake. French Accent comment. Ok ok! You scroll- ALLEZ ALLEZ!

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