Two Generations Talk About How Addiction Destroyed Their Lives | The Gap

Two Generations Talk About How Addiction Destroyed Their Lives | The Gap


– So I was drinking like a litre of gin within an hour, quite easily. (gentle synth music) (men murmuring) (gentle synth music) When was the first time
you used drugs or drink? – I was almost 18 in Barnsley and I took cocaine. Which at the time seemed like quite a
normal drug to be taking. Thankfully I had years off it in between, but up until November the 2nd, 2018, so just before Christmas, that’s when I went into rehab. And I took pretty much
drugs from the age of 17 up until that point. So 10, 12 years full on, properly. What about yourself? – I’d say got a grip of me, I’d say 13, when I was 13. So that was 18 years ago. I was only drinking lager to start with. But then I started drinking the gin; and that was neat, so I was drinking like a liter of gin within an hour, quite easily. – What was your lowest moment? – (exhales) That’s a good one. When I tried to commit suicide in my car. I put the hose pipe into the exhaust, put it through the window and then about five minutes later, the police van pulled up and dragged me out the car. That was the lowest point. – My career kept me clean during the week but not at the weekend. But then when I had no
job, I had no career, I didn’t have anything
really to get for anymore. And then I went from being quite popular and having loads of friends, to just being sat in my car just wishing I’d just take
another line and it’d kill me. – Unless you’re actually in it, it’s very hard for somebody to help you. – How did your addiction
affect your family? – At the start, not too much. Not so much ’cause I could control it. And I was a secret drinker. Or so I thought. But turned out everybody did know. I used to be really outgoing. I used to be out every night and be in a pool team, go around and visit families. Then I became unsociable, I think that’s when people started to say why aren’t you coming? ‘Cause I’d have to about 20 cans, before I even got there. I stopped getting invited in the end. The addiction started to affect me job. By me either not turning in, or I would always think of an excuse. I went as far as to go say
like, put orange peel in my eye and say I’ve got conjunctivitis. I’ll have to go home, you know what I mean,
just to get that drink. My wife left me. I’ve got a 19-year-old daughter now. And unbeknown to me, she
realized when she was, I’d say, I’d say about eight or nine that I had a drink problem. – Ketamine was like my main poison. I’ve always lived quite
an active lifestyle, I’ve always took part in loads of stuff, hobbies and stuff that I enjoy and I kinda stopped doing
things that made me happy. Family was the main thing. I’m always really close to my family, and I just stopped ringing them, stopped answering their calls, drugs was first and foremost, and then it was make
time for my girlfriend or my nephew or my mom or
my brothers and sister, whatever it was, but after a point, they kind
of give up on you as well. – How did your addiction
affect your love life? – A part from the obviously
physical side of it as well, I was in too much pain to ever (laughing) have sex or anything like that. – I had that low a self-esteem, in myself. I couldn’t get aroused. Until I’d have a skinful. But obviously now
looking back I’m thinking who wants to sleep with somebody who’s wrecked
(Thomas laughing) yeah, it was, it was me. Describe the feeling you had whilst using. – Oh god. In the beginning at the honeymoon period which probably lasted for
about four or five years, I fucking loved taking drugs. I’d take it and then
I’d literally pass out and get carried out of a night club or have no actual, I would not have known what I did for the passed hour or two. It’s referred to as a ket hole, so you’d go into, or a K hole,
or other nicknames it’s got. And you’d literally look like a zombie. You’d just be laid like that, and you’d do weird things with your hands and your legs and just not
give a shit about anything. Kind of like a comfort blanket. It’s like your wrapped in cotton wool. But I’d say for the last five or six years it hasn’t been enjoyable at all. – Yeah you wanna say
in honeymoon, isn’t it? we used to go in the same pubs, drinking, getting hammered, so we knew everybody, so our status was, it was quite high, and I must admit, I thrived off it. Going, pulling birds,
I just thrived on it. It’s just such a thin line though from going from illuminating to- – ‘Cause you’re enjoying
it, you don’t wanna stop, but then when you realize
that you need to stop, it’s impossible to stop. It used to shut my head up. So like I couldn’t
function until I had it. And then I’d be at rest
for about 30 seconds and I’d like be like oh fuck, I hated it. – I pushed my daughter away. We did everything together
until me addiction kicked in football, you name it, me
and her was best buddies, we did everything together. Because I couldn’t let
her see me, her dad, as I was. I used to put covers over the mirrors just so I couldn’t see my reflection. ‘Cause I hated myself that much. I’ve tried and tried, I actually wanted to die from it. – Did your friends and
family try to intervene? – My friends, no, because
I pushed them away. My father, he tried to intervene, but in my eyes the wrong way. Screaming in my face
saying, “man up, man up, “why can’t you just stop?” by that time, if I just
stopped, I’d be dead. ‘Cause the amount I was drinking. My mom said “you’ve always
got a can in your hand, Russ.” So in that way, but it was only months later
that she actually passed away. And horrible to say,
but fortunately she died before she saw the actual mess I got into. – My family never stopped me,
my friends didn’t stop me. So it’s difficult. – Yeah, totally agree. The only real true reason is ’cause I didn’t like myself. What motivated you to go into recovery? – My mom being the main thing and my family and my ex relationship because I realized how
much I affected them and I though fuck, this isn’t me, my mom never raised me to be like that. – I tried stopping for my
wife to save my marriage. – Oh that’s wrong, though isn’t it? – I’ve tried for me daughter, I tried to stop for me job. I just couldn’t stop for anything, and then somebody, I can’t
even remember his name, he said to me, “why don’t you think “you deserve to be happy?” to be honest, I couldn’t answer him, it was days it was just
going on in me head, and I thought, “yeah I
do deserve to be happy,” and actually I was talking
to him the next week and he said, “so what
are you gonna do then? “how will you become happy?” I said, “I’ve gotta kick this, aye.” and that was the moment. Once you’re happy for yourself, the rest will follow. – What’s a common
misconception of addiction? – Nobody wants to be an addict. Most people get into
addiction to block things out. To hide from things. – I think everybody assumes
that if you’re an addict, I don’t like even saying it, but you’re homeless and you
run around and you’re stealing. You’re already marginalized
as it is being an addict, so when you’re already
in that little bracket, and then people are keeping
you at arms distance even more it actually makes the problem worse, especially for the last six months before I want into rehab. I literally be up scanning Facebook to see which drug dealers are awake or where I could go and get drugs. My first week was hell. (laughing) The first few months of
being clean was hell. I suffered in crowds, I
suffered with social anxiety, being in open spaces. – That must be the difference between withdrawing from alcohol (laughing)
and drugs. – Probably ’cause there’s
no withdrawal from ketamine, but I can assure there is. – So once that alcohol is out my system, and I could socialize
with like-minded people in addiction like myself. After a day, I would wake up fresh, appetite back. Now I’m getting invited
to all the usual things, the barbecues, the weddings, – All the things you took for granted. – All the things I want, and now I can go there with a sober face. – Why do you want to tell your story? – I need reminding of
how bad it actually was. ’cause some days I do think, you know, this has been a doddle this, this has been so easy, this recovery, alcohol, it’s classed as
okay, sold everywhere. You can get cheap ciders, it will get you eventually. – I don’t think enough is spoken about in terms of addiction. Even just someone to speak to because they can tell
me about how they use and what it is they’re
doing and everything else that comes with it, like psychologically, and I can relate to that. – I’m on the phone, getting texts every
single night of people. A lot of time when I’m on the phone, I don’t actually say anything. ‘Cause I remember when I was in addiction, I just wanted to be heard. ‘Cause sometimes there isn’t an answer, I can’t give ’em an answer, only they know the answer, I can give ’em advice. And to be honest,
there’s no better feeling than somebody saying “I didn’t drink today “because of you.” and I’d say “no, you didn’t
drink because of yourself, “you didn’t pick the drink up.” – As long as I can remain
completely abstinent, then I think everything else
kind of falls into place. I kinda just do things that I enjoy. And some things that I
don’t enjoy, as well. But I need to do it to keep me clean, and to keep me aware and keep me alert around about the dangers of
falling back into addiction. Like I feel more comfortable in myself, whereas before I hated feeling normal. – It is scary. Thinking life without your addiction, it’s terrifying, finding myself again. – I’m not controlled by addiction anymore, which is key. – We both got choices now. – [Thomas] Yeah I have a choice. – Where before, in addiction,
you’ve got not choice. (gentle synth music)

100 comments

  1. Drugs/alch give a false 1st impression, they make out their the best thing to come to your life and stay there until you realise you've let it destroy your life and when a "friend" turns they turn for good so don't bother.

  2. why'd you choose such an unrelatable douche bag as the "young" addict… you can tell by the way he's dressed that he's still got ego issues

  3. I have relapsed… drove drunk yesterday (been on the bottle for 2 months) with full intention of crashing. I have no power over alcohol, no way to cope with my head sober. Ive been hurting myself lately, nobody who knows me understands which makes me feel so goddam stranded. No place is mine, not even my thoughts

  4. Honestly people these days claim they overcame addiction after literally just trying a drug or do it a few times and quit. It's just like today's "depressed person" that is literally just tired and has a sweet life

  5. tbh drugs and alchohol arnt to blame its the system and our way of life wich is mostly what makes people unhappy and want to turn to drugs and alchohol, we live in a very mean world were not everyone has the same oppurtunitys and everyone else and nobody gives a fuck about you. it can take its tol, the solution is to develop extreme self discipline, study, and strive to be better and better everyday. you have to study and get qualified in something to make more money and live free, most people are unhappy because of there job being shit and only giving them enough money to pay rent, they feel trapped and forced to be in a job they cant stand being in from the moment they clock in, if its not that its relationships, if your in a toxic relationship just leave them, put yourself first, fuck everything else, another cause is lonelyness, wich drugs reinforce, you gotta cut that shit out and go out and socialize. none of this is easy but honestly drugs and alchohol are literaly nothing but a 'shortcut' to mask something you dont know how to deal with. i struggled with drugs and alchohol for years until i finally had enough and worked extremely hard on myself and eventually did something about it. only you can set yourself free

  6. I was like "wtf why am i watching this? why am i doing YouTube all the time", right in the middle of the night when you are conscious and aware af and when you are alone and awake you got nothing better to do.

  7. Excellent format, excellent guest. This spoke to me an I wasn’t in that deep. I feel like this one video may save someone’s life. If your reading this good luck.

  8. U was addicted to cannabis. From 14 to 27. Nearly everyday for 13 years. Im 27 and a half now ive smoked enough for 1 lifetime thank god im still o.k glory to the creator he is brilliant

  9. I swear people that look like the bold bloke have a predisposition to being piss heads. I've met to many piss heads that look just like him.

  10. Hit home when he said ketamine. When I first saw him he reminded me of my boyfriend, who had the same demons. Unfortunately he’s no longer here but I miss him every single day😔

  11. 32 and a full head of beautiful hair after abusing drugs for 15 years straight. I feel really bad for healthy men balding because of genetics

  12. Addiction is a monster… Some people who’ve never been there before can’t understand it… But I’m happy to see over the years people are starting to treat addicts more like people and not garbage..

  13. I’m 18 and idek man I feel like this blanket term addict could one day describe me and it makes me get so sad like depressed dude. I don’t even think about if I’m like into (don’t even like the word addicted) the drug but I wouldn’t know how to feel without it smh

  14. I’m wiping my tears as this is ending. Im 20 and 232 days sober from methamphetamine, opium and marijuana and this is the first time I’ve cries since cleaning up

  15. Cette vidéo date mais j'espère de tout mon coeur que vous allez bien, que vous êtes toujours sobre et que vous aurez chaque jours la force de supporter et de repousser l'envie de sombrer. Rester fort, vous en êtes capable, vous tous, nous tous.

  16. Battling a strong coke addiction fr years now I can't seem to beat it it's got a grip on me my life my everything I feel like I don't have much time left before iam found dead OD I don't wanna die like this iam only 34yrs old pray fr me give a like 👍 to show your support thanks ✌️

  17. This is so accurate. I relate to the young man so much. I am coming up on my 5th year clean. I am enjoying most things. All the best to them in recovery and life. 💚✌

  18. Ive done drugs for around 15 yrs. Always different stuff so i dont get hooked. Mostly speed, Coke, mdma and alcohol. I found a way to be sober (except loads of weed). If I am by myself there is no issue. I train, work and stay sober.
    As soon as I get in a relationship, i get reminded of my fucked up upbringing, and my inability to connect to people. I thought i just hadn't found the right girl. But I've come to realise we are not all made to be loving family men. Find a life that suits you. Your happiness is always priority nr 1. If people are dissapointed its their problem. Be strong. Keep pushing. Every day it gets easier. Love you all.

  19. If these two men were at an AA or an NA meeting, I would go. Please start a YouTube recovery channel guys. It would go incredibly well

  20. Is there anything more brave than hitting rock bottom and saying 'this is me and I'm done'?! – such strength and pure power!

  21. Just got out the hospital yesterday from drinking. I’m watching this video and seeing that I’m not the only one. It really helps when you know your not alone. It’s great help. I’m changing my life one day at a time.

  22. I come and watch these videos when I’m wanting oxycodone, I can sit here and say I miss it, but I don’t miss the stomach aches! And I don’t miss the family fights, the stealing, the stress and anxiety. I miss being me and I will be me again. ❤️

  23. i fell into an addiction hole at 17 and my drug binge lasted up until i was 18, turning 19. all it took was ONE bad experience of almost overdosing, and that was the moment i decided to turn my life around. i was addicted to ecstasy, lsd, and weed. i had no reason to do anything if i wasn’t high on either of those things. it became a money problem, a social problem of blocking everyone that cared about me, and a problem of loving myself. i never thought i was an addict until i started to reflect on my life after graduation. i was 149 at 5’9 before my drug binge, towards the end of it i was at 122 and that’s when i realized it was a problem. i took an ecstasy pill in my room on august 11, 2019 it was laced w lsd but had no idea until i took it. my body could not handle it and i knew my body couldn’t as the experience was going on. thankfully i got passed it and knew i had to do something about my drug problem, it’s jan 17 2020 today and i’m a recovering poly addict since that day, haven’t touched ecstasy nor lsd, my life has been so much better since and i found people to guide me in the right path, no matter the age, anyone can be an addict, but there’s always a better way of living and SOBRIETY IS POSSBLE!

  24. And that's the thing about drugs I think. They are wonderful in low doses and also can help you to free your mind but the minority of the people can handle their consuming. As soon as you get addicted the drug is nothing special anymore and you get lost and addicted…

  25. Gonna be honest if you start using drugs and you cant stop then you are weak.
    I do coce from time to time i smoke weed i done many more drugs and i always are able to stop and take breaks.
    I havent used anything for few months now and i dont want to and dont say “oh you didnt used much you can easily stop” No!! i used a shit ton everyday got high for like few months and did break then again i had free time i started doing more partying n shit i need to start working again i stop.

    And if you get hooked and you cant stop then just dont do that shit or ul be pussy 4ever.

  26. Alcohol is a drug, it's a depressant, and in light of the opioid crisis, remember that doctors get paid for all the prescriptions they give out.

  27. Bro I dont even why society wastes their lives feeling bad for these people. Drug addiction is not real problem in the sense of that they made the choice to get addicted, they could have stopped themselves and did things like get an education, a job, etc but they didnt. I have Autism and I have a real problem. My issues are not changeable and my life is fucked out of my control. Why do these people recieve government help when people like me get none??

  28. and damn near everyone is addicted to there phone… no one says a word…. damn good plan they have with the phone…..

  29. I was 15 when I started using heroin. I’d always been a straight kid and I think back and I don’t know how I got to where I was. It was such a sudden change going from this happy teen to someone who couldn’t go 2 hours without heroin. My lowest point was when I kept pushing the limits just hoping I’d Od. The drug became the only thing important in my life, I didn’t care about anyone or anything. One night I snuck out (something I’d never done) and stole my parents car, my of all people drug dealer saw what I’d become and told me that I was a good kid who had a lot of life left a life without drugs. Luckily I had wonderful parents who moved us out of state for me, it was their relentless effort to save me that ultimately led me to give it all up. I quit in 2017 and still think about it a lot but at least I’m clean, and thankfully alive.

  30. I am drinking too much at the moment but have found having no sugar in my drinks and diluting wine with loads of water has helped me cut down

  31. Guess I'll share my thoughts. So I watch quite a bit of videos and read quite a bit of litature, a good portion being in relation to the genre of this particular video… Honestly, I usually don't feel like plugging my thoughts or opinions like this but a lil while ago started to strongly feel I should regardless. 35 year old who's been thru some shit now. Seen a lot of things, been thru a lot of shit. I'm recovering from addiction and other issues that has been my norm for some time. I've got understanding over this and I have had close people become examples to me, but transition is very difficult. Everyone is different but addiction is addiction and everyone has came from there own unique path thru life so, NO JUDGEMENT towards no soul.

    Dear Anybody,

    If you want to talk to a person, I'll listen. If you need positive advice, I'll do my best. I have experience and understanding. I'm definitely not your saviour but feel like I know that energy. I believe the purpose of life is love and I automatically mostly always try looking thru others perspective. Everyone and everything has a purpose!

  32. Currently 40 days clean off a £400/week cocaine and alcohol addiction. I'd endeavoured so many times before to surmount my addiction but always to no avail. Always ended up relapsing after a mere 5 days, at the most. I can feel something different in me this time, though. I know it's only early days but if I may offer advice to some people on what has helped me get this far:

    – Life outlook adjustment. I realised that addiction is a very hedonistic, selfish way of life (no offence intended to anyone). It occurred to me that naturally if you wish to overcome such a life, you should become the opposite of what you were. I now lead a very selfless lifestyle and help people where and when I can. Whether it's something as simple as tidying, cooking, or talking to someone on a human level about life.

    – Christianity/Eastern Philosophy. Before I put anyone off, I'm not religiously Christian or Buddhist but I do believe that ideologically they are unparalleled. Buddhism in particular really makes you understand how special we are as spiritual beings and that we are deserving of better. It makes you want to become a better person, which isn't possible whilst addicted to a substance. To be moral, gracious, benevolent, kind, caring and selfless. I suggest to you watching "Passion of the Christ," and listening to Alan Watts on YouTube.

    – Stimulate your mind. I'd always relapse on cocaine when my mind was idle (laying in bed, bored and unoccupied). I don't allow myself time for that to happen anymore. I give myself short-term goals and long-term goals and occupy myself with hobbies like guitar, writing, running, cooking for family, walking, etc…

    Really hope this can help someone. Don't ever give up hope. You're beautiful and amazing and you deserve the best life that you're certainly capable of achieving!

  33. I was addicted to benzodiazepines and sedatives for 4 years on and off I have huge month to year gaps of memory’s wher I can’t remember some of the best times in my life and people over look the worst withdrawals on earth, having had my stint with opiates they where like the flu compared to the paranoia psychosis brain fog pain seizures tremors tachycardia insomia debiliting hallucinations circulation issues and anxiety, this last year I suffered a grand mal seizure and two near death comas after a taper off tamezapam and other sedatives do not abuse sedatives and anticonvulsants it is dancing with death eventually you’ll pay the price when you stop, I am not the same person and I will never be able to drink be anesthetiated at surgery never able to treat my anxiety disorders with benzos or my seizures with hopes of getting off sedatives/anticonvulsants. If you want to see real addiction abuse something that takes your sanity safety and peace of mind, opiates are a joke compared to those. Please be careful

  34. No doubt the drug usage rate is high in the United Kingdom everyone lives in their sorry ass moments and then crap goes down hill for them 👎

  35. Every addict I've known is incredibly selfish, they use substance abuse as an excuse not to have to deal with life. They'll talk for hours about their problems and trauma but don't care in the slightest when you describe dealing with your own issues. They thrive off of the victim mindset, turning their back to the light only to focus on their own little shadow.

    If you're the type to deal with your problems, than you probably are inclined to devote lots of energy in an attempt to help any addicts you know; this is futile. They have to come to the conclusion to be clean on there own terms. Once they do that, by all means help in any way possible, but if they don't – they'll just try to drag you down to their level.
    It's better to have few/no friends than to befriend junkies, stay true to your convictions and eventually you will be surrounded with like minded individuals (a great way to do this is to find a hobby that involves groups of people like martial arts, crafts, sports, shooting etc.). Life's only as good as those you share it with. #thisdickwillmakeyoulateforwork #trump2020 #imwithher #hashtag

  36. This makes me glad to say I’ve found I enjoy being sober more than anything. I’m sorry for everyone that struggled with something like this

  37. Insane how the young man says the family and friends did nothing to stop him but Immediately said they were the reason for him getting clean

  38. Addiction to video games too man. I feel like a looser and failure in life but I can kick ass in games and feel amazing and a winner. Then you turn it off and realise your worthless in real life, so just keep going back to feel worth something again.

  39. Haha all these addicts and I'm completely clean. Just gonna pour myself my 8th cup of coffee today and take a toke on the juul. Who needs drugs when you have a clean conscious right guys?

  40. I am low key quitting the juul , I would
    Puff that bastard every second breath the great lord would allow me to breathe 🙂

    8 days clean, Juuls in the garbage 🗑

  41. 20 years on heroin,can't see myself stopping,don't want to stop,it is the only thing that brings me happiness.I'm can't see my life without heroin.even just thinking about life without heroin scares me.Yeah I have had a few clean stints the longest being about one year.but you always go back.the only time a heroin user is off,is when they are dead in ground.and for all the ppl who have beaten heroin,I hope you never go back.

  42. So that guy described taking a drug and literally passing out. How exactly is not remembering anything fun? You didn't do anything. Like, you just… Lost time. What the fuck? That's not a high, that's fuckin stupid.

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