UNDER THE INFLUENCE: EPISODE SIX // JORDAN’S MISTAKE

UNDER THE INFLUENCE: EPISODE SIX // JORDAN’S MISTAKE


(upbeat dramatic music) – Dr. J, what’s going
on, is everything okay? – Just dead inside with no reason to live, like a Food Network contestant
who gives up everything to be on Chop and then loses
in the appetizer round. – What happened? – Oh, did your flight get canceled? – Did the store run out of
beads or yarn or whatever? – Ooh, sorry I’m late. – Oh my God, is that a tailored suit? – Yeah, what did you come from court? – Don’t be crazy, courts
are only in the movies. No, I got a new job and
they make me wear this. – Well I hope it keeps
you warm on the walk home, because tardiness is no longer accepted. – Sorry I’m late, everyone, sorry. I was doing a photo shoot,
and I walked by a mirror and just got mesmerized by my own eyes. And here I am four hours later. Oh, Jordan, something is different. – Oh, I’m wearing a suit. – That’s not it, although, I
see that and I don’t hate it. – Well we’ve already started, and I have a new rule
that you can’t be late. So, Monica, Jordan, try to be
on time next week, goodbye. – You can just make up rules now? – Mm-hmm. – Okay. – No wait, my driver
and I came all the way from Tribeca, I’m not leaving. – [Janet] I’m sorry, the tribe has spoken. – Where are you going? – You heard her, she said
the tribe has spoken. Now we all pack up and go back to camp. You know what, no one wanted either of you two on the island. Okay, where’s my torch? – Okay, no one is leaving. – Cool. – Fine, you can stay
but please try to come on time next week. Treat it like a brand
deal, or like you got your dream job you’ve
wanted your whole life. – And you two better win immunity next week, or it’s goodbye. – Oh my God, Kevin, my favorite
person in the whole world. What if we talk about you this week? Wouldn’t that be fun? You guys, we can talk about
Kevin, let’s vote on that. Who votes on Kevin? – [Monica] Okay, Janet. – [Janet] Yeah? – [Monica] Honey, what’s
going on, why are you crying? – No no, I went last week. – But, you’re crying and it’s– – Fine, okay, I was set
up and hung out to dry. I was kicking butt at Michael’s, and then, I got called into
the head honcho’s office. – Miss Tumbleweed. – Hello, Michael. – It’s Brian, it’s not Michael. – Oh, it’s a stage name. – Unfortunately, I’m going
to have to let you go. – What? Please, you can’t do this to me. I’ve been working my
entire life to get here. You know, I’m the Beyonce of the craft-influencing community. – I don’t know who that is. – Beyonce? – But your main responsibility
is to lock the door. Yes, yes. – Oh no no no. – And not only did you not lock it, but you left it wide open. – I didn’t make this mistake, okay. I don’t make mistakes. – Please, understand this
brings me absolutely no joy. (crying) – Wow, it sounds like you
made a really big scene. – I wasn’t done. – You’re making this way harder
than it needs to be, Janet. – This is the worst day of my life. – I’m gonna need you to go
ahead and pack up your desk. – Just give me four hours or something to unravel the yarn. – What yarn? – I wrapped my desk in fucking yarn! What about my employee discount (cries)? I can’t believe it’s all over (cries). – Wow, that is so embarrassing for you. – It really was. Kevin, why don’t we talk about you? You know, and lift everybody’s spirits. – Or could it be me? And I didn’t skip today because
I thought it might be me, and I love talking about myself and I’m honestly pretty good at it. – Changing the way we pull the phone cases is awfully suspicious. Do you have something to hide, Doctor? – No, Monica, I just thought
it might be nice, you know, to talk about Kevin. And if he wanted to hold
me, that’s fine too. He could lovingly hold
his depressed friend, or watch her wither, like
a cobweb in the rain. – This reminds me of the time me and three of my closest female
friends tried to solve the mystery of our friend’s murder. And then we started getting all these emails and text messages. What was her name, Abigail, Amber, well anyway, she went by A. – Pretty Little Liars. – Trish, I’m only gonna say
this once so you listen! Lucy Hale is five-foot-two
and has the talent of a giant! So you keep her name out of your mouth. (screaming) – Janet, do you wanna
tell us what’s going on, because clearly something is? – [Janet] Oh no, you’re
just paranoid, Monica. – I can sense change. It’s both a blessing and a
curse, but it’s what I have. – Did you add a tip jar to the phone jail. – You know, I buy pretzels
and snacks every week, and it just sort of adds up. – Is it a tip jar or is it a pretzel fund? Because I really need to know. – I owe somebody $7,000. Now that I’m recently funemployed, I just thought like everybody
could chip in, you know? – You don’t have a patreon? – Yeah, I do. Backslash Dr. Crafty doesn’t go to GLE. Okay, why don’t I pick? – Wait, why don’t you want Jordan to go? – That’s me. – Shut up, you big little bitch? – Oh my God. (gasping) – Janet, you know how grizzly
bears can sniff some food from miles away, well,
food is to grizzlies as secrets are to Monica,
and this mama bear is hungy for a juicy little secret. – Okay, there are no secrets, Monica. Jordan, if you have
something you would like to share, go ahead. – Sweet, so I started this new job. – Or you could pass,
you could totally pass. – What? You can’t pass, that’s
never been allowed before. – Well, thank you, Nicky,
for reminding us of that. It’s so fascinating, however,
though, that you forget every week, like everybody else, that we all have to come on time. – That one is optional. – Yeah. – Is it? – I always understood it that way. – What is that smell? Is that fresh salmon? Because I smell something fishy. – Whatever. Jordan, do you
have anything to share? – So, I started at this boring old job. – Job, I’m surprised he
even knows what a job is, that he can hold a job, how
do you spell job, J-O-B. – Wow. – It’s pretty good money, and
all I have to do is pick up the phone and talk to like childless aunts about stickers and crayons or whatever. – Wait, where’s this
stickers and crayons store? – Oh, Michelle’s. – God, give me strength. – Dr. J hooked me up with it. – Wait, Michael’s. – [Jordan] I don’t think so,
it’s kind of a girly store. – Jordan still has your dream job. – [Janet] I’m over it. – Really?
– Yes. – Well then this shouldn’t
be a problem at all. Jordan, why don’t you go ahead and tell us all about your new job, all the glossy, glittery, yarn-filled details. (screaming) – Anyway, I really like the
job, and I’m pretty good at it. And I like talking to
old women, but this week, this one woman called me and
I kinda screwed things up. – Hi, this is JDog. Thanks for calling Michelle’s,
a store for bored old women. I’m hot and will be flirting with you for the duration of this call. – [Janet] My is Schmanet Schmumbleweed. And I have a yarn question. – Yeah, no problem, Schmanet. Our yarn is important
from all over the world. But wait, damn, you sound cute. What’s your question, girl? – [Janet] Can I use
yarn as a pulley system for inside my car’s engine? – You can make all kinds of
stuff with our yarn, yeah. Hats, scarves, glohves. – [Janet] And so, just
to confirm, you’re saying I can use a pulley system made of yarn for inside my car’s engine? – That sounds dope. But, you know what, enough about
me, tell me about yourself. – I didn’t really think much of it, especially because I got promoted. – There is no God! I mean, you got promoted. – Yeah, so, everything was going well, but then I got the call. – Hey, this is Jordy Jord. Thanks for calling Mitchell’s,
a store for bored old women. – [Janet] JDog, this is Schmanet
Schmumbleweed’s husband. – Oh, Mr. Schmumbleweed, please don’t worry about
the harmless flirting. I don’t actually wanna bang
a bunch of boring old women that buy stuff here. – [Janet] You killed my wife, you moron. – Wait, what, something
happened to Schmanet? – [Janet] You killed my
beautiful, talented, not at all boring wife by telling
her it was okay to use a pulley system made of
yarn for inside her car, you big fat idiot. – What? Please don’t call me fat. I haven’t worked out in like three days. – [Janet] Transfer to Michael now. I’m gonna tell him how fat
and useless you really are. – Dang it. – I am dead. Only at Michael’s would
someone die by yarn. – May she rest in peace, what a tragedy. – I started crying, and
then Brian, our manager, came over to tell me
that I got promoted again and that they tracked the call to some disgruntled ex-employee. – A disgruntled ex-employee, huh? And her name was Shmanet Schmumbleweed? And your name is Janet Tumbleweed, right, am I saying that correctly, Tumbleweed? An interesting coinky-dink,
right, Schmanet? – Am I the only one turned on right now? – I’m getting there. – I had gotten promoted, okay, me. And I got you this job
and you ruined everything! – Tell us the whole
story, or do you want me to just keep sniffing
out, because once I catch that scent I’m not gonna stop. – We get it. – Okay, job well done,
let’s head out, shall we? – Wait, I have 250 left, is that okay? – Yeah, no it’s fine, I just, there’s a crazy sale downstairs on beads, so I was actually go downstairs
and buy a bulk order, flip the beads for profit and
sort of like retire on that. – Totally, yeah, go
for it, beads are cool. – Yeah I know, but I have to lock up. – Yeah, you’re right, beads
are a little embarrassing. I’ll lock it up for you. – You’ll lock up? – Consider it locked? – Oh my God, great. Thank you so much, Jordan. And I’m about to spend $7,000 on beads. – You trusted Jordan? – Jordan, why didn’t you say anything? – Because, I locked it up. I got you, Dr. J. – You locked your mouth, not the door? (groaning) – God! Are you okay? – Should I be able to feel my left arm? – You’ll be fine. – Jordan, enjoy every second at Michael’s. And just remember, can’t love you back. – I love working out. And taking pictures of my body. And drinking water and
posting pics saying, I don’t know who needs to hear this, but drink a glass of water. I’m quitting Michael’s
because, I love the gym! – Oh, case closed, it’s
another one for Monica. Before we go, I’m feeling
generous, so let me just go ahead and write you
a check for the 7,000, okay? – Can I get one? – Oh, sweetie. I’m sorry, I don’t think your
generation accepts checks. – Mon, Monnie, Mon. (groaning) – Oh my. What the hell, Monica? – Oh, they’re fine. It’s fine. – [Nicky] Wait, what
do you mean it’s fine. – I’ll cash that. Okay, bye you guys, I’ll
see you next week, okay? – Bye, yeah, okay, you fell on my shoe.

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