Understanding Addiction, Lies, And Manipulation, So You Can Get Ahead Of It!

Understanding Addiction, Lies, And Manipulation, So You Can Get Ahead Of It!


Welcome to part 5 of our series on how
addicts and alcoholics manipulate their families and everyone else around them.
for those of you don’t know me I’m Amber Hollingsworth founder of hope for
families Recovery Center. And,so trust me when I tell you, my staff and I have
seen a lot of manipulation tactics. and I’m gonna call tactic number 5 “I promise”.
Because this is where the addict and alcoholic promises to do better. now sometimes the Addict or Alcoholic has
no intention of doing better, they’re just trying to get you off their case.
It may not make sense, because you may be thinking “well they know I’m gonna
find out if they kept doing it”. But you’ve got to understand, the nature of
addiction is just about five more minutes. It’s not about them thinking I’m
going get away with this forever. It’s about trying to get you off their back,
or just buy themselves the next five minutes, or the next use, or the next drink.
They’re not thinking long-term they are in survival mode. They’ll do anything
to buy that next five minutes to get you off their cas,e to get some money from
you, to get you to cover for them, to get you to not tell somebody else that piece
of information that you know. Which is actually manipulation tactic number
three, so if you haven’t watched that one, definitely check that out.
It’s called splitting. I was thinking about this the other day, how I asked a
friend wants to for some gas money and I didn’t want it for gas (of course). But I wanted
it for was probably booze, and he was smart enough to take me to the gas
station. So I just went inside paid $20, chatted, and left. And then I
just filled up a few bucks, and then I went in and told the attendant that I
had topped off. )That it was like maxed out)), so I would take the change back, So
yeah so it’s like super I mean it’s like theft right. Because you gave me money,
but I didn’t even give me the money for one thing. You gave it to somebody else,
and then I just found a loophole yeah. To me that’s just like everything is being
transactional. It’s like, oh you know I’d giet myself into some hot
situation. I’m in jail I need to get bailed out. So, l I promise when I get out
I’ll go to AA meetings. I’ll go to treatment. I’ll do whatever you want if
you just get me out of jail, because this is scary
you know. And not having any intention of filling those promises. I just need to
say whatever I need to say to get out of the situation I’m in, and then I could
literally, laugh in their face a week later. And be like, I’m not doing that
because now I’m out of jail. They can’t put me back in, and then (one better)
the next thing is… Why do you even believe me? I’m a drug addict.
Yeah yeah, I’ve lied to you some many times. Then use that against you. For sure, like what do you think I’m gonna tell you. I was in jail. I didn’t
want to be in there anymore. I would have told you anything to get out. You
didn’t know that? And again with the gaslighting. You make them feel crazy.
You make them feel crazy for their own emotions. Emotions that I purposely tried to
cause them to have. But sometimes, addicts or alcoholics make these promises ( promises to do
better) not because they’re intending to deceive or manipulate you. But
because, they mean it. Sometimes (especially if something difficult
happens), the addicted person thinks themselves, “I am so sick of this”. They’re having
one of those moments of clarity. Moments when they’re ready to do something different.
And during that time, they’re gonna make promises to themselves (and sometimes to
the people around them). Now in this situation, it’s not so much that they
don’t mean it. It’s more that they have no idea of what its gonna take to
actually pull that off. So if you hear your loved one making promises, like “I’m gonna
cut it back”. or ” I’m gonna stop”, or “I’m only gonna do it on weekends”, or “I’m done I
promise”…. Here’s what I want you to know… The
promise has to be backed up by some kind of action. You’re looking for a change that will sustain
them being able to keep that promise. Just because they mean it, doesn’t mean
that they’re gonna be able to pull it off. If they don’t start doing some
things differently, they’re not gonna be able to make a real change, without
changing a whole lot of other stuff. So if you don’t see some action steps ( going
along with that promise), I’ll make you a little promise. It ain’t gonna work. So
don’t fall for it. Amber here… interrupting your regularly scheduled
video, with two exciting bonuses for you. The first one is for family
members, on how to actually respond to these manipulation tactics. If you’d like
to download the free guide, just click the link in the description below.
The second bonus is… the sixth manipulation tactic. I kept hearing this theme come up
when I was doing interviews for this video. And I decided, I just couldn’t
leave it out. So the sixth manipulation tactic (as if there weren’t enough of
them), is being too fragile. It’s
kind of the opposite of the pufferfish, are the starting an argument tactic, in video
number four. It’s actually….. “I can’t be held responsible for myself, because I’m
too fragile”. “I might fall apart”. You can’t confront me, because I might not be able
to rebound back from that. And that might even make me have to drink (or use) more.
So, it’s this idea of playing poor pitiful little me. I can’t handle
the world around me. Which means, I can’t be held responsible for my behaviors and
actions. Just check out what Lucas and Andrew have to say about this tactic. Amber: Did
you ever do the poor pitiful me tactic? Lucas: A couple instances if had come up. So one time, when I was in jail, I
told my mom, that someone in there, had made some motions at me. Like
they were going to assault me. And I think I even said sexuallL. like I was
gonna get raped, and a guy had already told me he was gonna do it. And what do you
think that does to a mother ? She’s got the bail bondsmen on the phone. Telling him, “I’m getting
him out”. She’s ready to kick down the doors, and I remember the bail bondsman’s
was like, “that’s not true, like I know that jail. Your kid is making
stuff up”. And he kind of called me on it. And I just held true to it. And, I
ended up getting out. Amber: Because, when you watch movies, that’s what happens. Lucas: Yeah. Amber: So, in a moms head, that’s what happens in jail”. Lucas: Oh for sure, and then another big
instance is when I was in treatment. ( the time it actually worked,
and I got clean and sober and everything . But I went to a wilderness
treatment and I played on my mom with the stuff that moms and grandmas worry
about, which is …They’re not feeding me enough. They’re working me too hard. I’m
not safe here. You know, It’s all about…I’m not safe. You need to come get me. And luckily, they had been coached heavily by the
treatment center . Told that I was gonna call you , and that i’d say this this
this and that . And I mean I read the script of what they said. Amber: It’s pretty predictible. Lucas: Yeah it’s very
predictible. Lucas: And, they’re (the treatment center) is like …This is how you
respond. With mom, I feel like with mom you always go the avenue of like I’m not
safe. And with dad, the manipulation tactic, is that
this place is ripping you off. They’re not even doing treatment with me.
Dad, I mean you’re paying for nothing dad. You’ve just been getting
ripped off by these people. I mean they’re not doing me any good. And,
they’re certainly not doing your wallet any good. You take dad with the
more practical approach of… This place is a ripoff. It’s a scam. They’re
just ripping you off. And with moms, you could definitely get them with the
heartstrings stuff. I’m not safe. I’m not fed. Oh yeah, and then pressing buttons, you know.
I just had that whole control board in front of me, and I knew exactly what button to
press (for each person) to get them to give me the emotion I needed. Andrew: If we want
something (in addiction) , we’ll just go to the ends of the earth to get it. mm-hmm
and then and then we’ll deal with the repercussions later, (or the hurt that we
caused other people)

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