Understanding Covert Narcissism (Essential Information You Need To Know) – Marisa Peer

Understanding Covert Narcissism (Essential Information You Need To Know) – Marisa Peer


– Hi, this is Marisa, and today I’m talking about
something really important. What to do when you are living
with a covert narcissist. (gentle classical music) (upbeat music) Narcissists are actually
incredibly difficult to deal with because their belief is
there’s nothing wrong with them and everything is wrong
with everybody else. And, in fact, I train amazing
therapists all over the world and the few people we don’t treat, we don’t treat very much, are narcissists. So if you are living
with a covert narcissist, here’s your life. Everything is your fault. Everything is wrong with you. Nothing you’re going to do will ever make your narcissistic partner
or parent get better, because there’s nothing wrong with them and everything is wrong with you. And everything is wrong with people. Remember Narcissist fell in
love with his own reflection. What he liked about himself, of course, you can be a female narcissist. So, if you are living
with a covert narcissist, you’re married to one, you’re dating one, you’ve married into a family where your mother-in-law, father-in-law, your parent is one, do not try to change
yourself to make them better. And don’t try to change them. Don’t ever go, “Hey, you know Mom, you know what you were complaining about? Well, I found something
that will help you.” Because they don’t need help. And if you put in the effort, “Okay, I seem to really antagonise my Mom when I do this or that. Why don’t I change my behaviour?” It’s a complete waste of your time. Narcissists are very unhappy but they never look at themselves. Oddly enough, because Narcissist fell in
love with his reflection, that sounds very odd. Narcissists do not ever
look at their own behaviour. They don’t question it. They’ll say “Everyone else
is wrong, I’m always right.” I met one and she said to me “You know what, the
problem is I’m never wrong. I’m always right. Everyone else is wrong”. And that’s hard work. So I’d love to say, you
know, I’ve got in my pocket a bit of advice I can give
you to make your life better. Well, actually I have. Stop trying to change yourself. You will never make them
better by changing you. Keep doing what you’ve always done. Live your life. Understand that person is in deep pain and its not your fault and you can’t make their pain better. When someone comes to me and goes “Here’s my pain. Could
you make it better?” I go “Yeah, but you have to participate in your recovery”. If an alcoholic comes to me and goes “Hey Marisa, can you
take away my alcoholism?” “Yes, if you join me you’ve
got to do things as well. I can help them recover
from almost anything if they participate in the recovery. Not long ago, a son sent
me his narcissistic mother and said she’s driving me
crazy. Please do something. And as I began to work, she said to me “You know, I shan’t listen
to any recording you make me. I said “well” She said “I shan’t listen to it. I don’t listen to anything you know”. And then she said “Nobody
can ever help me”. And I said “You sound really proud of it”. She goes “I am, I’m very proud. People like you can’t help me”. And I felt immensely sorry for her son but when I said again “You’re so proud of the fact that nobody can help you” It did make her stop and think and I just had to go back to
him and go look, you know, I can only help you. Don’t let it in. And surely, after I told
him about his mother and said you must not
let in what she says, he called me and said “You know what, my mother
really surpassed herself. I went to visit her and
as I left she said to me “I hope you get cancer and die, and then you’ll know what its like to be in the kind of pain that I’m in”.” And he said “I looked and went Mom, even for you, that’s a
bit hardcore don’t you think?”. He said “I’m not going to let that in” and he said “I went
away and I thought wow. I would have been on the
floor with pain and sadness that my mother said that and I remembered well its not about me. I don’t have to let it in”. You know that not letting
in other people’s criticism can change your entire life, like that. Because you have a choice. You have a choice when living
with anyone that’s critical or difficult or withholding, to not let it in. One of my clients said recently, “I asked my narcissistic
parent are you proud of me? and they went “For what?
What you have ever done that could make me proud of you?. You haven’t even suffered enough
to understand how I feel.” And now they have a choice. Shall I go away and go wow, I’m so hurt? I asked my parent “Are you proud of me?, and you know I’m working
every day to make them proud. Buying them stuff, giving them stuff, doing stuff. Being a straight A kid and now a straight A adult and they went “Am I
proud of you? For what?” But you have a choice. Don’t let it in. So my best advice for anyone
living with a covert narcissist is don’t let in their criticism. If you’re dating one,
here’s better advice, get out, leave. Do not marry a narcissist. Never let a narcissist
parent your children because they will always be wrong. And you know if they will kill themselves, you know what they say
when they leave a note? Somebody made them wrong. If you are always right, what do you think the other person is? Of course, they are always wrong and, by the way, if this
is ringing bells with you, please like it, please share it. Many people come to me
and say “Wow, I went home and I did what you said. I Googled Narcissistic
Personality Disorder” and then they suddenly
have an ah-ha moment. That’s my Mom, that’s my
Dad, that’s my brother. That’s who they are and I
don’t have to change them I have to change me. You see, when you have a great mind and I promise you have a great mind, you do have a choice. Here’s your choice. Rationalise why I feel so
bad with this difficult covert narcissism or talk myself out of feeling bad. It’s their issue. It
doesn’t have to be my issue. And I want to tell you something else that’s really important. One of the things that is
a major cause of depression is harsh, hurtful, critical words that you hear about
yourself on a daily basis. When you say harsh, hurtful,
critical words to yourself, that will cause depression. When a parent says it, its very likely to make you feel depressed unless you choose to not let it in. So remember the man whose mother said “I hope you get cancer and die”. Remember the mother who said to her kid “You haven’t suffered
enough to be successful. You have to suffer like
me to even understand me”. And each of those who will have a choice. Shall I let those words destroy me or shall I choose to not let it in. Now let me recap very quickly. You cannot change a narcissist. You can’t earn their love, you can’t buy their love, you can’t work for their love. You can’t earn their respect, you can’t buy it, you can’t chase it because they are withholders. Everyone is wrong in the
whole world except for them and a narcissist’s job
is to make you wrong so they can be right and they like that job and they very rarely retire. Occasionally narcissists,
when they lose their looks, get a little bit better,
a little bit easier, a little bit softer. But not always. Do not try to change
them. Change yourself. If they happen to be your parent and you have this duty to be around them be around them less. But if you’re dating one, leave. If you’re about to marry one, reconsider. If you’re thinking of bringing
a child into the world with a narcissist, don’t do it. There’s enough people
you can find love with. Narcissists are hard
work. They are difficult. I have the best therapy
method in the world. We have won so many awards and, even I, very rarely treat narcissists. I did recently work with four
children of a narcissist. She had systematically
damaged each of those kids. I made them so much better. She was absolutely furious
and she banned her husband from bringing them to see me. One of them was bulimic,
one of them was anorexic. And she’d say “Well, why
aren’t you beautiful like me. Look at me. How have I had
these fat, ugly, children I don’t understand Why aren’t you smart like me”. And I worked so hard to
make those kids feel better and it made her so annoyed,
she stopped them coming. And I don’t even work with narcissists. I did it because her husband begged me to. But I knew that she
would step in and stop it because she couldn’t bear me helping them. Because the only person who
could help them was her. And she was never going to help them because everything was wrong with them. She was a perfect parent. They were just ungrateful kids. You get the picture. If you’re living with one
and you can leave, leave. Do not waste any time making them better. And if you can’t leave
and you have to stay because you’re already married and you’ve got children together, work on yourself, work on your kids. Let that person work out their own issue, which they probably never will. I wish you every success. Life is wonderful. Take control of your thoughts. Take control of who you are. Remember the whole law of
control begins like this. Your thoughts control your feelings. Your feelings control your actions, and your actions control your events. And if you started going well, you know, my partner was so critical the day is ruined now. What’s the point? You’ve allowed your thoughts
to dictate your feelings, to dictate your events. And if you decide to go, well that’s a bitter, unhappy, person. But I’m going to choose to
have a great day regardless. That’s going over my head. I don’t have to let it in. Then you are changing your thoughts, which are changing your feelings, which are changing your actions. When you can take
control of your thoughts, your life is amazing. When you can make your thoughts
positive, no matter what, your life is phenomenal. Make your life phenomenal. And remember, help other
people cope better too by liking, sharing, and
subscribing to the channel so I can help you more and you can help other people more. Have a great day. Thanks for tuning in. (soft piano music)

100 comments

  1. My narcissistic mother grabbed the attention of my psychologist in the first line of a letter she wrote to him behind my back: “I am concerned about my daughter!” He stopped reading right there because of client-therapist confidentiality. But that one line was enough to create the intended effect: That there was a problem with ME. He then proceeded to ask whether he HAD a reason to be “concerned?” He went on to ask more loaded questions in a reproachful tone. I felt accused and blamed. It was another smear campaign instigated by my mother. Maybe she couldn’t stand to see my progress in therapy and her letter was just a desperate attempt to keep her false narrative alive that I’m a “perpetual problem.” Right in the beginning of the letter she framed me as the “problem” by cloaking it in “care and concern.” That’s what makes covert narcissism so dangerous. My mother is an alarmist and constant conflict-seeker who makes problems out of non-issues and non-concerns to seek attention and gain narcissistic supply via these sneaky, covert tactics of going behind my back and positioning herself as the “sane” authority who has to step in on my behalf.

  2. Hi Marisa, thank you so much for your ever so informative video. Just a quick question, do Narcissists know that they're Narcissistic

  3. Thank you Marisa. This was a timely reminder to not let down my guard. I love my parents but in recent years, have come to realize they are both Narcs. This has given me the beautiful opportunity to parent differently, and wow, my son is a different, whole human. My whole life i believed i was wrong. I could not even fart in the right direction. Because the goal posts were different, daily. I allowed bad friendships, unfavorable relationships, going into adulthood, believing i didnt have a voice or a choice. Thanks to you and other exceptional loving humans that speak sense, i have grown and blossomed and i actually like myself a little more, most days. Not for what i look like, but for the real, kind and loving, yet flawed human that i am. To everyone putting in the work, its worth it. Never give up. We are enough. And you can do it! Thank you Marisa. Much love to you and your team. xxx

  4. Marisa,
    This is so important. You have been helpful to me in so many ways and I am glad to see you addressing this issue. I dealt with a narcissistic partner for 18 years. It was the last four years that were so painful. You are so right, get out. If you listen to them you let it in and they can do far more damage than most people know.

  5. Thanks to the universe I do not have any narcissist in my family. But I encountered several of them in my work environments and that was a tough one. Talk about mind-boggling insensitivity and lack of empathy. Cold hearted and cruel would be the only words to describe them.

  6. I have had children with a Covert Narcissist. One thing Marisa doesn’t state but is true …. they’re dangerous…. the only solution is to leave and go no contact……. no contact…. if you don’t… any strength you develop…. they will up the game…. till you keel over… they’re prepared to sabotage, undermine, trip you you up…. at any cost. Power over you is like oxygen to them. They will fight for it. Any illusion that they will love the children is false.

  7. You can never get over a Narcissist abuse. Only past it. Anything you do for a narcissist any gift you get them will never be appreciated they are the most ungrateful people let it be your parent, a significant other and even a child that have this trait. I've been dealing for 61 years with a Narcissistic parent. All I remember as a child was the screaming and the fighting. The physical and mental abuse on me without any apology. Being deprived of normal activities that a normal child is given by a normal parent.
    I was by the side of my parent for 3 months when they were in the hospital.
    I didn't miss A-day!!! When I had cancer removed from my back, My parent wanted to know when I was out of surgery. I let my parent know. And what I got back was a picture of my parent sitting in a restaurant with my sibling. They didn't ask me are you OK do you need anything. This is the mind of a narcissist they don't care about you. I cook most of the holidays for this parent as my other one passed away at a young age. But this holiday AKA Thanksgiving I spent with my daughter but I did wish this parent a happy Thanksgiving and in return I got a message that this parent sent to a sibling. To start it stated:
    Your sister text me happy Turkey day. But I'm not wishing her back happy Thanksgiving because I haven't heard from her in 3 weeks!!! Another undeserving punishment. Word to the wise… Drop the rope, go silent and start your self care. Spoken from someone with a real heart. Guard it!

    Thank you so much Marisa ⚘
    You are a Blessing to so many.🙏🦋❤

  8. For anyone, but especially those in an intimate relationship with a narcissist, education is the firewall between you and narcissistic abuse; it gives birth to the ultimate awareness that you are not the problem, the problem is you having a problem with them and the only true and reliable answer is to disengage and put as much distance between you and the narcissist as possible – best case scenario is no contact, strong boundaries and reclaiming (typically rebuilding) your life without their fear tactics, manipulation, and complete disregard for your sensibilities, needs, and desires.

    I was entrenched in a life with a severe narcissist and in a narcissistic rage and at his singular admission, in his words was told his aim was to "destroy" me, and over a decade and the births of two children he almost did. In my experience there is no length a narcissist won't go to to be, or stay, in control. It took me many years and many painful experiences to discover the man I believed I loved had a cluster B personality disorder and that the abuse I was experiencing had a name and was intentional, and that there was no changing it. It took me several years to process what I had learned and during that time the abuse only became more severe. I made a safe plan to leave with our two young sons and have been in hiding for over two years now.

    If you are in a relationship with a narcissist PLEASE take Marisa's advice. Among other detrimental things, continuing to try to live within these dynamics commonly results in serious health issues. I developed Complex PTSD, TMJ disorder, Trigeminal Neuralgia, a panic disorder, and adrenal fatigue. Leaving and maintaining distance may be the most difficult thing you've ever done but it will also be the most rewarding. Taking the attention away from this problematic person and learning how to love my way out of survival and into self-care has been an awakening of epic proportions. Like any addiction, this cycle of abuse takes you away from yourself but when you leave and invest in your recovery you are rewarded with opportunities to create a profound and authentic life that is only deepened by the contrast of the pain you've been through.

    Narcissists are masters of smoke + mirrors and relentlessly selfish, these are not people who will ever be capable of having someone else's best interest at heart, so love yourself tenderly and stay safe by being smart and strategic!

    Thank you Marisa for this important video and for sharing your wisdom with the world. I have mentioned your name in narcissistic abuse support groups as a top global therapist and that you do not work with narcissists; people desperate to change their partner then seem to wake up to the reality that the only one they need to change is themselves. It is much like a key that opens a hidden truth when they hear someone of your experience and expertise won't bother. I wish I would have known about your RTT therapy method earlier but the month I spent with your techniques helped more than five years of clinical therapy; after years of trauma and literally hiding and weeping every. single. day. I just didn't feel the need to mourn what had happened anymore and I was able to focus and maintain myself as the priority. I'm better for it and so are my children and I will always have so much gratitude for you. ❤️

  9. My mom had this self-pity 'I'm always by myself' and was never satisfied with me always arguing with me, neighbours… Nobody liked her. She preferred to be alone.
    She had a car accident, she wasn't hurt and it wasn't her fault. But her organism collapsed – she basically had a nervous breakdown, she didn't sleep for months, she had panic attacks,she was calling me 60 times per day. 2,5 years later she can sleep without sleeping pills. She is physically much better now.
    I'm a chemist I went to look where her organism failed, because no pills by doctors helped her.
    You can't crash like that if you are healthy, but if your hormone system is off, be sure that this can happen in a second. I helped her with bioidential hormones-found the doctor who was an expert.
    These people are very weak and they literally have pain in them.
    Please have compassion for them.
    I know it's hard.
    If your person wasn't like this since little and during time they have changed dramatically, you need to help them. It's hard to force them that they need help. I know how it is. Be pacient with them.

  10. My husband is covert narcissist how can i deal with him?he was alcolic. i am wasting my life😭😭😭😭😭😭 and i have children. i just love you so much

  11. This is perfect timing for me. I went no contact with my narc mother, enabler father and golden child, older brother, (only sibling) 8 months ago. It has been difficult, but I can honestly say I'm getting stronger every single day. I'm so glad I found you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you do. For the first time in my 42 years of life, I feel that I AM ENOUGH!

  12. My whole family both sides are narcissist and my mom wasn't,unfortunately she died,before I met my narcissist husband..she would have opened my eyes or knocked him on his ass..my dad was a narcissist and my mom knew the red flags..I didn't even see it coming..and he got everything in our divorce..courts tend to side with the person who can make the mortgage payments,but I put the 10,000.00 down..now he has 4 years to pay me back..I am on disability and he gets 4 years to pay me back my money..we were married 7 1/2 years and I had known him since HS..you never know who they are or going to be..

  13. I knew my son-law is a Narcissis ,in the last 2 yrs he has manage to rip my daughter and 9 month old granddaughter away from everyone that cares for them. I've learn that if I confront my daughter she jumps to defend him and it push us farther apart. All I can do is love her and let her open her own eyes.

  14. My mother is a covert narcissist … until a couple of years ago, I never had a term to define her … my sister was the golden child and is the co-dependent … I was the invisible and/scapegoat child … while I have some co-dependency, I have mostly been a counter-dependent my whole life … all my relationships were either with other injured people or narcissists … and unfortunately , I’ve always had a mistrust in other people … and I would always break off the relationship in fear that I would be eventually discarded … I’be been no contact with my mother for over a year and she keeps trying to get together so we can talk, which means she wants to help me with “my problem “ and will never acknowledge that she is the problem … thanks to her I have grown up feeling I was not loveable or good enough … never let the hurter pretend to be the healer, it is another one of their masks …

  15. Hi Marissa, love your channel and you for all the good information you bring to the worId. I feel bad for children of narcissistic parents, very difficult to help them when they are still minors, can't leave home, and the parent is in total control of their destiny. How can you help kids in that situation?

  16. This video made me cry. Thank you very much. For years I've been trying to change my narcissistic husband who is always right. What a waste of my life. I will not take in all of his put downs and abuse anymore. I will stay positive and have a phenomenal life. God bless.

  17. I feel Narcissism is brought on by trauma and a need for control. I think that demons are looking for an open door to enter and control people and using trauma affords an opportunity for them, thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my partner's phone, all i did was to share her phone number with (geniustracker) without touching her phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact him to help he is a genius. You can reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) thank me later…

  18. I chose not to let in rude comments from a client yesterday and it was wonderful!!! I had a great day, and 2 other clients made me smile 🌝🌝🌝

  19. I am myself a narcissit but believe me i have changed a lot I sometimes understood other people and I have come to realise that I too make mistakes the only problem is that even if i know i did wrong i believe i am entitled to do wrong this no one should question me

  20. Wow, everything you say is so spot on , my husband is all that. I am married to him for almost 50 years. And only recently discovered he is a narcissist. He is always right, never gives a compliment. My children is all married now two of them and I have grand children and no matter what thy all do , it’s never good, always criticizes them even if anyone of us do the best we can. I can only say that what made me stay all this time is because he made me worthless. I thought I would never make it if I leave. Most times I would criticize myself , saying I am stupid I am not good enough , I am not cleaver enough, for him. I do everything he wants and it’s never good enough. What I learned from what you said , is that you can’t or even try to change them, and that is so true. He will not change , I just must share this with my children. As thy have been looking for acceptance from him for years. Only lately since I found out he is a narcissist, I don’t take to heart in his criticism. Thanks to people like you and others that draped my attention to watch the video. Didn’t know what that meant. But this helped me now to just let it go and not get to me when he criticizes me. Wish I knew this long ago. I would not have cried so much and hate myself so much . I am 66 and knew him since I am 14 years old. It didn’t start out like that. But as he got older it became more and more. At 67 he started to be on his worst. He is now 76. And if I didn’t see this , it was becoming unbearable to live with him…. thank you 🙏🏻 you have helped me so much . ❤️🌹❤️🌹❤️🌹❤️🌹❤️🌹

  21. I think it was a survival mechanism for some narcissists. They grew up and the only way to survive was to be the best in their own mind. They didn’t get the love they needed to survive, so they loved themselves. It’s hard to give someone else what you never received and love becomes a commodity to them – a valuable resource, so they would never share it or give it.
    I believe it’s important to love them anyway. Marisa is right, don’t let it in or let it destroy who you are- but send them love, because of who you are not who they are.

  22. My ex-hubby NPD (1yr separated) just turned up to take our 2 kids out, he won't even speak to me (plan etc) yet we're supposed to co-parent. One child wouldnt go with him, cos 6mths ago his Dad threw him out of vehicle onto concrete & drove away. Never apologised. Never dressed his wounds. That poor kid just cant trust his Dad to be decent. I cant trust him after finding him in a 9yr double life out of 13yrs togthr! They lie, manipulate, bring down, hv many secrets, no ability for emotional intimacy, are usually cheaters/porn-sex addicts, refuse to take responsibility/apologise, emotionally abuse (u wont even notice! until much later when u r wrecked); they set out to deceive & destroy. Life is so much more hopeful/joyful with him gone (apart from the continued smear campaigns – but I wont let that in, I know the truth). I am enough! 😇

  23. Wow! I always known that my mom is a narcissist but the problem is that I tend to have relationships only with narcissistic people..

  24. Marisa you are such an incredible inspiration to me! Thank you so much for what you do and for sharing all of your knowledge! I wish I would have known about you when I did my hypnotherapy training. People have written to me to ask about training to be a hypnotherapist and I always tell them to train with you

  25. I was married 20 years to a covert narcissist. He was horrible after I discovered his multiple affairs. After we divorced-my daughter started acting out. I tried to get her help-I loved her, supported her, encouraged her and never said anything to bring her down. She ended up being a narcissist. I saw this coming on for 7 years. She is now 20. . She thinks everyone she knows has NPD. She recently sucker punched me in the face-than attacked her brother was arrested and now refuses to talk to me. I am heartbroken over losing her-but after all that she tells everyone I have NPD – which is a lie. I always worry about hurting others. I find myself always apologizing. It is hard to lose your child to this.

  26. 3 years ago I went to a therapist. I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder at that time and was in a bad situation. The only thing my mom said to me was: don’t tell the therapist about me. I told him about her behavior. I could not afford more than 3 sessions with him but he said the same as you…don’t let it in what she said..i had no idea how to do it because I also had no boundaries. Boundaries? Not being responsible for other people’s behavior or feelings? Self care? Self love? This all were like neologism for me. It’s been a 3 year journey. I started reading about narcissistic behavior, asking myself if I am one, how to deal and how to recognize this behavior. Working on my self esteem, learning about boundaries and setting them, it feels so great.
    Thanks to your 5 min „i am enough“add on youtube, I found you last year.I saw it several times till I searched for the entire video and I must say it was the best invested time in my life. The most powerful yet simple method to find my self esteem and my true self back. Slowly but surely it changes my life.

    This video today felt so good. It’s like having a coffee with a friend who is supporting me with great insights. I feel like you really care about the ones who hear your message and follow your advice. Thank you for everything you do! I am great full that I found you.

    I am enough and so is everyone here.

    Marisa, I wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart! Have a wonderful and loving holiday time! Greetings from Romania

  27. Thank you . I have a husband who is very fixated on himself . His largely imagined health issues . He has a lot of anger and bitterness . Ever since I met him ( I was 17 ) he has had a huge chip on his shoulder . Everyone was to blame for his failures in life . He had a hit list of people who would be up against the wall come the revolution . Now his politics have done a complete flip . The blame shifts with his situation . Now I am also to blame for everything that is not perfect in our life together. Not perfect , I should say , in HIS life . Because these days I feel marginalised in my own marriage . My own life . Our … Us .. are words that seem to agitate him now . He is utterly self absorbed. I feel I am going mad . He simply wants to focus on him . I feel sad and cheated . Because I still want us to be happy and make memories together . I do try . But all the trying comes from me . Now he says he is going to stand behind me in the polling booth to make sure I put my X in the right box. Is he joking ?
    No !! Merry Christmas .❄🤣

  28. I was married to a narcissist for several years. I met him when I was 23, at this time I really didn’t understand what narcissism was. For years he told me of my faults, too quite, too introverted the list went on and on. He asked if I would dye my hair blonde, get plastic surgery and criticised my physical appearance constantly. I realised I deserved better but I was too scared to leave as I had a fear of being on my own and the constant emotional abuse meant I had very little self esteem in my ability to ever meet anyone else.
    Eventually I realised I was better of alone and happy within my own skin then to stay in that toxic relationship. With counselling and no contact with my ex my outlook and my view of myself improved. I’m now happy within myself and I’m in a healthy loving relationship.
    The only smart thing I did apart from leaving the narcissist was not have children with him.
    Never be afraid to be on your own/single. I learnt a very hard lesson in self worth, love & respect. Don’t ever seek a partner to give you love and respect if you don’t already have it for yourself.

  29. Bless, you Marisa! The three (!ouch!) narcissists in my life have served as "serendipitous mentors." What I've learned is why narcissism has become pandemic. If you raise kids in the limited empirical science paradigm to believe only the surface of the Life Wheel is real, that emotions and divinity are ruled out, they'll be starved from the illusion of lack. If you fracture the Wheel, driving emotions and intuition underground, they'll grow up twisted, bent out of shape. They'll be insatiable, harsh and cruel because they're disconnected from their center .. . the universal source of our "enoughness." Your advice is SUCH an important start. But shifting to a complete and accurate paradigm is the foundational solution we truly need. All best!

  30. A covert narcissist brought me literally to my knees, never had I felt so loved and then slowly so degraded. It's poison. Thanks so much for this.

  31. Imagine knowing this amazing woman personally. It's such a tragedy that I'm 35 and I haven't had this expertise before . I listen to her daily.

  32. THANKS for posting this video .
    I have one in my life and I v been doing exactly what you said Marissa DON T LET IT IN . I don t digest anything she said , any criticism. I look at her as A SICK DAMAGE person , I look at her far away . I don t share my personal , private things with her . I am happy the fact that I BLOCK HER , there's nothing she can say , that can get inside me.

  33. So how can you tell if you're not a narcissist yourself? I would never hurt anyone deliberately but I do still manage to, defending my boundaries far too zealously.

  34. Please please listen to her. I married a narcissist and was his codependent because through therapy I see my mother is a narcissist. I had so many yrs trying to make him happy. Me beautiful great body professional gave him a healthy beautiful smart daughter. I am divorced now and he almost daily finds a reason to be vile and nasty to me. I twisted myself into a pretzel for him. I wasted so many years my youth my beauty on someone who tried to destroy me basically. Don’t do it. And now I have to coparent with him which is basically impossible to do.

  35. Thank you Marisa you’re the Best and I love you and thank you so much you’ve changed my life forever 😘😘❤️❤️

  36. This video is brilliant and I wish more people would heed this advice. Unfortunately too many people think they can change the narcissists in their lives and they end up miserable, sick, poor or even dead.
    I read psychiatrists Francois Lelord and Christophe Andre's book – How to manage difficult personalities (It's in French, I don't know if they translated it into English) and I remember hating narcissists most of all the difficult personality types.

  37. Everyone r narcissistic if we look at what u tell ma’am because no one will accept what they r .. and unhappy with everyone .. all these symptoms exist in almost everyone then all r narcissist?? How to differentiate this ??
    Now u might feel I’am narcissistic 🤨😩

  38. Thank You Marisa, My narcissistic father has passed away just a couple of weeks ago and we are putting together his funeral now, I am fed up with hearing what a great, kind man he was from his friends and my cousins. As his family we suffered domestic abuse from him and not one of us 5 kids and 3 wives were good enough for him, we just held him back. Hearing about all the great times his friends had with him and listening to them crying is sad and makes me very angry. I can't wait for the funeral to be over so that I can get back to being happy. Thank you for your timely video, I think it will help me get through the day. Bless you

  39. Thank you. I had a step-father who was awful, I think he was a narcissist or maybe worse, he was definitely unhappy when those around him thrived and succeeded and he made us feel stupid and ugly and he made it look like he was right all the time. I was lucky I went away for college, where I learned a lot of things and I graduated top of my class and then I got another college degree and a master's degree, and that's how I realized I was smart. I also realized I was beautiful. And I opened my own business. He managed to cut us off from family and friends and tried to block every initiative my mom and I had. We couldn't even renovate our apartment (on our own money) because he wouldn't move his things. He tried to stop the people from the internet company to installl the cable for my own computer, which I needed for school and work (he had his computer connected to the internet). He threatened to kill himself if we kicked him out. He was a stupid and aggressive man.
    We finally managed to get him out of our lives after 20 years with the help of the courts, even though it was not easy, and our lives are better than ever, we solved our health problems, we make more money, we have a lot of friends etc.

  40. It took 40 years of my life wondering why I had such a bad relationship with my mum. It was an agony trying to make her happy. When I came across a book on amazon on why some daughters can’t have great relationship with mom. I googled narcissist and that was my aha moment. I wish someone had told me before. She even turned my brother against me and turned him to a narcissist too.

  41. Thank you! ❤ You are the best of the bests! I could listen to you days and nights. And you have the most beautiful name in the world. I gave my dauther name Maris 14 years ago. 😊 Love from Croatia, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful lady! ❤

  42. I don't know how many folk in my family is narcissistic but they sure are toxic and I just happened to stumble on a partner like this too. I feel absolutely horrible around people like this, these are the sort of folk that will blame you for being abused and tell you you're blaming everyone else when calling out an abuser. "You're no sunshine either, you must've done something yourself, stop blaming others". I realised once I cut contact with them I had no need to call anyone out really, interesting isn't it

  43. Marisa thank you for this video. I would add that no matter if you are married to them or you have children with them LEAVE/GET OUT for yours and your kids sake. Do the healing on you internally and get help for your kids too and know your worth and loveability and deserving of all the best. No matter the relationship you have with a narcissist LEAVE AND GET OUT. If they are your parents love them from far and minimize time spent with them and do the exact as you said in this video. If you are married to one also LEAVE AND GET OUT. If you have children with one LEAVE AND GET OUT and have only contact with him/her only to the amount of custody of your children. But here do the inner healing and also do not take things personally and get help for yourself and for your children by helping yourself first and with that helping your children as well. AND BY NO MEANS DO NOT STAY IN THAT ABUSIVE AND TOXIC RELATIONSHIP. No one can be immune and bulletproof when being in relationship for some time with narcissist because it will entangle your self love and self worth. A beautiful flower can not survive in harsh and diminishing environment.

  44. Thank you for these little chats. I enjoy them. My mother was an extreme narcissist who consigned me to the painful life of a manic depressive by physically and psychologically abusing me, and my greatest fear is that I have narcissistic tendencies too because I like to think that I have the intelligence to do big things for God. But I pray daily that God would impart to me His godly virtues and help me to be a better person today than I was yesterday.

  45. thanks for this video. I reached 40 to finally stop listening to my narcissist mother. So, so hard to have daily negative comments. Just go away from them.

  46. Everyone has narcissistic traits, especially gurus, teachers, therapists, Youtube commentators and those considering themselves being victims of narcissists. If we start with ourselves at least our children or clients will suffer less. Of cause, I personally think it is not related to me, I am a victim of narcissistic relationships but perfect myself. The best therapy method in the world was first put in writing in Vedanta (as watching your own ego/personality traits from a point of view of pure awareness), then by Buddha (as getting free from ego addictions) and later verbalized in more simple terms by Jesus in the first phrase he said after 40 days of fasting in a desert: repent, as happiness is at hand. We can be happy only if we do not judge (do not let it in) and the best way to not judge is to see our own faults, mistakes ("sin" comes from Greek hamartia, missing the mark). This is the cure for our own narcissism/pride and when we fix it, others will feel it as we can feel it for example in works of Christian saints of the first millennia AD or lifestyles of more modern sages as Nisargadatta Maharaj and Ramana Maharshi. When others can see it in us they will be envy and willing to change themselves getting rid of their narcissism.
    Of cause, it may happen not necessarily in this life but does it matter when this life is so momentary anyway if we look at it fearlessly and with honest clarity dropping infantile illusions of "death is something distant, it is not coming soon" our parents imposed on us to make our childhood happier and society and business programs us to think in order to motivate us to do useless things and buy stuff we do not need.

  47. I grew up with a narc sibling and it is so amazing to finally know that I am not crazy. Slowly over the years I went from this confident, fun-loving child to someone that was so self-conscious and for a long time I had no clue how. I was constantly in fear of what people would think of me and that they would call me weird and laugh and mock me. Also I think because of this I allowed friendships and people in my life that validated that for me and when they would mock me and would feel that I deserved it and I would try to win their love as if they were doing me a favor by being in my life. But I started looking back at my life and remembered in my childhood when I was most myself not a single person would say these things to me other than my sibling and these guys at school that were mean to everyone. I think over the years my self image of myself began to shift and my siblings words became my words I said about myself and I started trying to change my personality to not be called weird but the funniest thing my sibling did it with everything. Also my sibling would constantly gaslight me and say he was doing me a favor by telling me because I just trying to help. He would constantly point out my flaws for example if I had pimples he would just point them out constantly even though the sibling knew how I felt about them and then say I am helpin you. Also I became insecure about my weight and he would constantly sing me this song that they have about fat people and touch my stomach and do it in front of other people. For a long time no one saw what I was going through and then I started to research narcissistic disorder and I realized that I completely gave up the ability to say no in an effort to keep the peace. He would make demands and then fly off the handle if you said no so for a long time I even thought that I was a bad person for saying no. He would constantly guilt trip me and I fell for it everytime partly because these people are so convinced that you are wrong and then you don't even know what to think anymore and they bring other family members in to say you are a bad person and I remember I felt so guilty all the time for things that don't make sense. Everything was the opposite when I didn't stand up for myself I was praised and when I managed to fight through all the thoughts of wow your a horrible person to stand up for myself I was completely cussed out in a rage for it. But since I have been researching I started saying no even though so many thoughts have told me your selfish you don't care about anyone and that I should do onto others all hell as broken loose in the house. Also I have started to be myself and show my personality and fight through the thoughts of no one will love you if you do and all hell has broken loose as well especially when people give my compliments when this sibling is present because This sibling wants al the attention on them. Also other family members are realizing now because this sibling is starting to treat them the same way and this sibling tries to turn people against me still and it's not working anymore. Also when good things are starting to happen in my life this sibling has this insane jealousy. Anytime something good happens they not happy. Also now that even though I live in the same house as this sibling I try to avoid most conversations this person is not happy and tries to say insults to get a reaction and I am so proud of myself for not giving them. But I also find myself being very angry now when I replay memories of things that this sibling did and bad handed compliments that I did not realize and I still don't know how to let it go and move forward. My mom says focus on me but I find myself even doubting myself so much. It has taken me so long to come back to the fact that I can make my own decisions and to forget the lies that I can't make it without this person and that I am not smart even though I completely excelled in school but this sibling says book smarts and street smarts are not the same. I know it will take time but I am going to recover. Even though I sometimes feel guilty for putting distance but I know those are not my thoughts they are from this sibling saying constantly that am a bad person and me believing it. Thank you so much Marisa I was so excited when I say this video! Thanks girl!

  48. Marisa thank you so much for doing such an amazing job. You are an amazing human being. By only listening to your you tube videos changed so much in my life.

  49. I've attracted them like a magnet .. and Im always left feeling destroyed … not just relationship but female colleagues too .. the last one nearly completely ruined me … she came to Egypt where I live to work with me .. and spent the next 7 months calling everyone i know telling them how wrong I was, she told me that no one likes me, and every mistake on the trip blamed me for …. I had to wait 7 months to get payment from her because she said she was 'too busy' to pay … too important … just awful .. still recovering but super careful now at first sign of that pain of feeling EVERYTHING transferred on me …. just awful. I'm doing Marissa's course in RTT online and slowly feeling myself rewiring ….

  50. My mother would curse me, hoping I'd choke on my food. I did let it in but karma went around and she ended up with choking coughing bouts… I've done a lot of work to heal myself and learning to not let others stuff in has been part of the journey ☺

  51. Thank you for the video, It was really helpful to me. However, is there a way to check ourselves to see if we are being narcissistic too?

  52. Thank you forever so much for this and all the work you do. I found the most valuable things you said here were "don't change yourself" and "don't let their words in." I appreciate you so much. <3

  53. As a child of narcissist I appreciate this video very much. I’ve been through hell and I wish I was exposed to such information earlier in my life. I had to work out things for myself and it was extremely difficult. For anyone dating a narcissist please leave. Don’t bring a child to an environment where he or she will always be hated. Please, don’t do it. Have mercy on your future child. They don’t deserve so much suffering. Please, reconsider and just leave. You can do it.

  54. I wish I knew about Narcissism 6 years ago before I married one . i realised what he was the few weeks after he up and left without explanation . Marisa is right . It's nothing to do with you and if you are dating one please,please leave, You can;'t change them

  55. Everything you say is true, Marissa. I have lived it. As I read the comments I see how many others have suffered, but also how many of us have broken free, reclaimed our lives and now thrive. Every narcissist in my life (who had not yet died) is out of my social circle. I will not let them in, never mind anything they choose to say and do.

  56. Hey , but you know what …lady that reminds me of Marianne Faithful …?? You know . I have Phenomenal coping mechanisms. Coping skills . Just utilising one of your ..mantras . I cannot use my right hand at the moment. I am coping . Bless you ♡♡♡♡

  57. Sounds like this isn’t specifically Covert Narcissism. Because the coverts will often keep their criticisms and who they really are to very few people around them – more often themselves. It’s their actions that try to destroy people. They keep it all inside and lie to all around them.

  58. You are quite right Marisa. I spent much of my life trying to please my mother, especially till I was about 25. Though I did take myself off to live a couple of hundred miles away when I was 19, so it was not so intense after that. When I was 25 I said to a therapist that I wished I could have been good enough. "Good enough for what", he asked. "Good enough for my mother" I replied. "Oh you could never have been good enough for her, no matter what you did, never."
    It didnt matter what I did. I could slave away in the house all day. Once I gave the house the royal treatment, cleaned thoroughly all through, cleaned the windows, polished the taps, the lot. She came home & found a little ledge about an inch wide & four inches long which I had missed. She raged at me for over half an hour about how stupid, lazy, crazy, useless & no good whatsoever I was. But as she did this she stood right beneath the clock & my eye was drawn by the hands of the clock ticking on as she raged & after that her rages never quite had the same power, as I could not help noticing how crazy it was that she was screaming & shouting at me for so long, when I had forgotton one tiny & completely unimportant ledge. After that I think I knew she was really not worth taking any notice of, irrational. I still felt like I wanted her approval though & even now I admit, despite much work I still have a sneaking suspicion that I am not good enough, but I am letting the good feelings in more now. Letting go of the crazy past.

  59. How is it possible to not let in degrading and hurtful comments made by the person that's supposed to love and protect you. I would ask myself what was so bad about me that made them so abusive towards me. I had done nothing more than live my life my way but still it made them angry. Of course it hurts when a parent says things that make you feel worthless. That's not something I can understand or ever forget. I'll never understand why.

  60. Thanks so much for the awesome video Marisa 🔥 This will definitely help me improve my Mindset, Business, and Life!! Keep it up! 💯💯🙌

  61. that's my mom. she was never satisfy with nothing . Shi was so distant from me and my sister. It was like she blame as for being girls.

  62. I'm so happy to see your video about narscissistic people. My husband is a narscissist and i was living with my for 13 years. And i have 2 boys aged 12 and 10. All these years i was trying very hard to reach to his expectations but every time he shows something to make me feel worthless…i was in a lot of pain. Then last year i found out about narscistic nature of people and was devastated. All the traits, behaviour and ways of hurting us with his words is exactly as i saw in those videos.

    I can't leave him at this point.
    But first i need to take charge of my life and take care of myself and my 2 boys. I have to raise my kids to be strong and healthy mentally.
    Your videos are daily dose of medicine for me. They are healing me. Making me not to feel bad, or guilty about his words. Though i feel bad at that time, I'm improving a lot. Before i used to cry, stop eating, and feel the pain for days.

    Argument with him will turn things ugly. As he links issue with everything to prove me wrong and useless.
    I tried, but my husband never changed.
    I watch your videos, they helped me alot.

    Please can you suggest me how to raise my boys so that i can protect them from his behaviour. What should I tell them to increase their confidence levels and become happy individuals.

    Sometimes my husband is good. He is a responsible father and husband..but many times…on regular basis he shows his narscissistic behaviour.

    Please give me reply.

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