Why Addicts and Alcoholics Lie (and What To Do About It)-2020

Why Addicts and Alcoholics Lie (and What To Do About It)-2020

now if you’ve got a loved one with a
drug or alcohol problem I bet I know what your number one frustration is your
number one frustration is the constant never-ending lies and I bet you even
wondered in the past if you’re dealing with a pathological liar
and a lot of times the lies don’t even seem to make sense it doesn’t even seem
like the lie is even connected to the addiction so why for the love of God is
it so difficult to get the truth out of them well that’s what we’re going to
cover in today’s video so hey for those of you don’t know me
I’m amber Hollingsworth and you are watching put the shovel down the YouTube
channel dedicated specifically to help you understand the psychology of
addiction so you can outsmart it you can beat it and you can get back to living
the life that you want to live because I know that you are sick and tired of this
addiction running the show so make sure you subscribe and I’ll make sure you
have all the information you need to stay five steps ahead of addiction in
this video I’m going to tell you the three main types of lies that people
with substance use disorders usually tell and I’m gonna start with the most
obvious and move into the deeper bigger more important types of lies so make
sure you watch the whole video to have a really thorough understanding about
what’s happening here you know people ask me all the time like what do you do
how do you respond to the constant lies and how do you get them to start telling
you the truth and my answer to that is always well the first thing you got
to do is you got to figure out why they’re lying to you because the answer
lies in the why so the first and most obvious reason why your loved one is
lying to you is to avoid being in trouble naturally you want to avoid the
consequences you don’t want people mad at you so when you’re low going comes
home and you say have you been drinking are you high have you been using their
natural instinctive protective reflex is going to be to say no I mean most the
time they’re gonna be denying this before they can
even sort through and process what you asked them it’s a reflex
almost as fast as when the doctor hits your knee with that little hammer and
sometimes it can be really frustrating to be standing on the other side of that
I mean it can be like a little kid whose got their hand behind their back and
then you say what’s that behind your back and they say nothing when it’s so
obvious but it’s an instinctual protection mechanism and those types of
lies are usually the most obvious now the second type of lie that you might
encounter with an addicted loved one is when they lie because they’re
embarrassed or ashamed or humiliated about their behavior
or choices or the things they’ve done related to their addiction now this type
of lie is a little easier to understand and at least have a tad bit of empathy
for and sometimes you might even find yourself lying for your loved one to
protect your own self from the embarrassment or humiliation of the
problem or to protect them from the embarrassment or humiliation of the
problem this is often the reason why people lie in therapy or in group
therapy unless you’re talking to your like court-ordered probation officer
therapist there’s not a lot of consequences it’s not like you’re going
to be in trouble or you’re gonna get your car taken away or your kids taking
or something if you talk to your therapist it’s more that it’s really
embarrassing and shameful and a lot of those things you just don’t want to say
out loud and so to be honest a lot of times when I perceive that someone is
maybe omitting or not telling me the whole story
for this particular reason I let them off the hook on it just a little bit I
sometimes even let them off the hook a little by not making them give every
single horrible detail about it because most of the time I don’t need every
single little horrible detail about the issue I just need to know the big
picture of what’s happening and there’s no sense of making them suffer anymore
than they already are especially in the counseling process so for example when
they come in they tell me yeah drink I drank four beers but I already know
because I heard from their wife yesterday that they drank eight it’s
really not necessary for me to get into it and and go back and forth and say no
I heard it was eight especially if I know
the reason they don’t want to say it is because it’s humiliating but there might
actually be another reason that they’re telling me for and not eight that’s not
because they’re embarrassed or humiliated necessarily and that is the
number three type of lie so let’s move on to that one
the third category of lies has to do with self-denial or lies to themselves
and to be honest this is the more important question way more important
than why they always lie to me because that’s a little bit obvious right the
bigger more complex issue at hand is why can’t they see it for themselves why are
they lying to themselves because that’s the domino that really needs to fall and
if you can get someone to get out of self-denial and just stop lying to
themselves and to take some action to fix the behavior the other kind of Lies
tend to get better on their own and so instead of focusing all your energy and
attention on those other types of Lies and trying to force the truth and trying
to force compliance spend your time and energy trying to understand the
psychology of addiction why is it that they cannot see the problem are there
things that you can be doing to help them see the problem faster because
guess what there are and that’s what this channel is all about so these types
of lies are normally like subconscious types of lies so they’re not typically
purposeful it’s honestly like their brains way of protecting them against
this piece of information that might very well crumble them it’s really hard
for a person’s ego to see that whole mess all at once
so when you’re dealing with denial my advice to you is not to try to rip the
whole sheet off all at once my advice to you and this is the way that I do it is
to sort of peel that denial back layer by layer by layer by layer not all at
once and not with a like super direct like blast to the face type of rip off
the denial in fact when you come at someone like
what they do is they put up more shields and walls and you get more denial which
leads to more lying which is going to make you want to pull your hair out so
here’s the deal family members I know because you always tell me this is that
you just want them to be able to tell you the truth if that’s truly the case
if you really really really want them to be able to tell you the truth then you
need to discern why the lying is happening if they’re lying to you
because they’re afraid of some huge consequence then the way to get them to
tell you the truth is to try to stay out of the trap of wanting to punish them
now you got to understand the difference in natural consequences and punishment I
don’t mean that you run interference and you make their life great I mean
whatever messes they make they may let them clean them up what I’m talking
about here is that if you hear a piece of information that you are then going
to impose some sort of punishment on like for example if you tell your loved
one if you relapse one more time you’re out of here like I’m divorcing you I’m
taking your kids away or I’m not paying for your college anymore then guess what
they’re not gonna be able to tell you that and you probably wouldn’t either
and to be honest, I wouldn’t neither so be reasonable about it that’s another one of
those reasons why I say don’t put out the big home contracts don’t do the
if-then statements now that doesn’t mean that sometimes there aren’t natural
consequences to their behaviors like you’re not gonna pay for their college
forever or you’re not going to endanger their children I’m just saying if you’re
constantly coming in with if this happens then this is the punishment now
punishment is different because this is like you doling it out and say because I
found out this piece of information you know you’re grounded from this that and
you’re restricted and you know all of those punishment type statements that’s
going to keep someone lying to you to avoid being in trouble now if you think
your loved one is lying to you mostly to protect themselves against the shame and
humiliation what you have to do is you have to take a really empathetic approach at talking to them
and you have to have a real sort of like
understanding attitude I know you might be thinking screw that I’m sick of their
crap and they’re the ones that have been bad why do I have to do all the work I
totally get you and that is a 100% fair way to be thinking in statement but
some of you already know who watch my videos a lot this isn’t about being fair
this is about winning and if your goal is to have your family member telling
you the truth and they’re lying to you because they’re humiliated then you’re
gonna have to figure out a way to decrease that humiliation now the way
that counselors do that is we sort of normalize those feelings for them we say
you know what if I was in the situation I think I’d feel that way too and I
might have even handled the situation the same way that you did now that’s not
saying you approve of what they did or that they made the right decision that’s
saying I understand you which is going to let that wall come down and more
truth come through and here’s the good news the more you can get them to say
the truth out loud to you the faster they’re going to see the truth for
themselves and the more you come at them directly the more walls are going to
build up the longer and more lies that they’re going to be telling you so
remember get strategic here our goal is to be five steps ahead of this thing now
if you know that your loved one is lying to you mostly because of their own self-
denial the best way to deal with that is to back up out of the way because most
often family members it’s almost like they’re standing in front of the person
screaming yelling waving their arms saying danger ahead danger ahead danger
ahead blinking light like alarm sounds going off and they do that so much for
so often that the person like literally stops paying attention to them like
think of it like when your check engine light is like always going off in your
car and eventually you decide it’s just the sensor they start ignoring you
just like that and usually you’re just a distraction from them seeing the problem
that is right in front of their face sometimes all that trying to get them to
see the problem is actually blocking their view of the
so if your loved one is lying to you because they’re lying to themselves your
job is to backup try to be neutral as possible now that doesn’t mean put
yourself or them or your children or your loved ones in unsafe situations
because safety trumps what’s therapeutic so if it’s an unsafe
situation you deal with that outside of that your job is to backup
neutralize stand over here and so that they can see that problem more quickly
and if you want to put that process on super overdrive and you’re ready for
this to be done and you want them to get out of denial then combine that backing up
being neutral with not fixing of the consequences that we talked about in
number one along with the empathy that we talked about in number two and if you
come at it with that three-pronged approach you will win this war because
that is how you get someone to truth that’s what counselors do and it works
and I realize it is way much harder for you to do that as a loved one that is
for me to do that as the counselor because what they’re doing isn’t really
affecting me it’s affecting you so I don’t want to minimize that and I don’t
want to say like why couldn’t you do it like I can do it like I 100% get the
fact that it’s a totally different ballgame but what I’m telling you is
these are the methods that work if you want truth from your loved one these are
the things that I want you to do now to make sure you’re doing that correctly I
want you to watch these videos I’ve put them together in a playlist for you
called the psychology of addiction and in that playlist we talked about all the
ways that people with substance use disorders think all those denial
mechanisms why they stay stuck in those behaviors because the more you can
understand it the more strategically you can come at it so I’m going to put it
right up here all you have to do is click on it and start absorbing that
information and making decisions differently


  1. 🤓To learn more about how and why people struggling with addiction manipulate their loved ones, watch this next:👉 https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLaaJWwIpP_zZduHyvDBhsWlsrbm07HssA

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