Mike Oldfield Space Movie DVD
Dealing With Addiction
Thank you for this. I know I need to get out but, I feel like I’ll never have good sex again w/o him. And that’s important to me. One day at a time. I do have more strength then I did before. I may have to leave the city I’m in and change my number to help me out of the situation. I needed this today so, thanks again.
Shame on you. Australia is on fire and all you want to do is talk about crazy people.
Omg, all on point!!🤯 I dont feel so lost anymore…Thank you for clarifying, I look fwd to more videos!!👍
Hello Dr Ramani, are you familiar with this narc anthem? Gives me the shivers. https://youtu.be/awY1MRlMKMc
Thank you for this video! It’s so helpful to feel less alone and like I have some kind of answers as to the disaster that came into my life disguised as a soulmate. I was at a low point in my life and was targeted and even though I cut it off very early I still feel permanently changed by it. I keep hope that I will go back to some form of normal again.
It's true…of all the cheating he did and I am still here with him
I did it all, got skin treatment, teeth treatment, hair treatment, lost weight, got abs, made more money, left friends, family. I bought everything she wanted, I was ok her leaving, and being with her exs , you name it, very painful when you finally get out and see how badly you were used and opendly were made fun of by them, ended up broke, no self steam , overweight, unhealthy and using meth which was her bread and butter just to remember how it was when I was with her, lol well people it does get better, I am a whole different man, just happy I made it out and have that hell experience, gave me a lot of strength to know I am a better person. 💪💪💪 Good luck we aren't alone
Thank you Doctor Ramani, for validating our feelings and experiences as survivors of narcissist relationships. Being able to hear you put my experience in words and to say that it's normal to feel these things was hard, but made me feel better to hear.
I like the comparison to drug addiction, it's very accurate but at times I've felt like the relationship with the narcissist is even more reckless in the sense that, unlike a real drug, an inanimate object, the narcissist person will literally call out to you, search for you, and entice you back in, even after you try to leave them alone. Every time, they will look for you, taunting you. They won't just let you be, peacefully. Like the drug of choice, because you love them, you will excuse every fault. It's really such a hard cycle to break.
I saw a journal my ex kept diary describing her strategy, which was exactly what Dr Ramani is saying. She had comments in there like" I can get them to do what I want with just my voice" and "I am one step step ahead of them all". Lots of degrading comments about others and how she was better than them all.
My daughter in law is a narcissist. She has alienated my son from our family. I’d like to make a request to hear a podcast about daughter-in-laws that are narcissist, and how to handle the alienation. My son is a 31 year old intelligent person but is very naive. His wife is 7 yrs older than him.
I would really like a video on narcissistic friendships.
What can I do? I managed to get him to leave. But he owns half this house and he is wanting to come back. He is being amicable which makes things feel better but I'm not able to let go because of all this. I don't ruminate on his horrible treatment of us but more on the things I love about him and it's not good to think like that! I have to keep myself remembering the bad so I don't lower my guard. But I feel really trapped and I don't want to do anything to make him angry because how it is at the moment keeps the roof over my kids heads. I'm nervous of him going nuts if I say I want him to leave me alone. He would completely focus himself on sinking me, as he kindly words it.What can I do?
Thoughts create chemicals. Situations get you engaged in thinking in certain ways. Yes, addiction is a much broader word than it seems.
Wow!!! Right on point 🙏 thank you ❤️
I think when we look for validation and appreciation outside of ourselves, that’s where the trouble starts. We become narc bait. Lol. In a way, we allow ourselves to be the puppet to their strings. Took me a long time to realize I was emotionally addicted to the love-bombing and all the feel-good parts because I was lacking those things within myself FOR myself—I was looking for someone else to tell me what was good and/or worthy about me. Once I started to validate and appreciate myself and gave myself permission to feel good in my own skin (vs trying to win at a rigged game), my relationships began to shift. In the end, it’s not about getting them to see our value, but getting ourselves to see our own value. In fact, having narcs in our lives shows just how valuable we really are—“thieves” aren’t interested in worthless stuff, only the best, most valuable. 😉 In other words, narcs wouldn’t spend all that energy to puppeteer us if they didn’t think they were dealing with something precious and worth having. But, save your sparkle for those who know how to treat a diamond!
Is this why I am procrastinating leaving? I keep making excuses "my job" "our fur babies" "we were once so happy" – I was supposed to leave today and I'm just frozen in my tracks. I don't think attachment and love are mutually exclusive. I feel a deep love for my Narc but I also know I am attached. Are those things intertwined or am I just delusional?
Read, “The Unbroken Brain”. It’s a great book on addiction that proposes that addiction is actually a learning disability. It’s changing my life. As a recovering addict and survivor is narcissistic abuse, this book is helping to save my life 🙏🏻
Doctor, could you post more uploads and content regarding Borderline Personality Disorder, please?
This is so helpful for people with a loved one dating a narcissist to understand instead of judge and feel angry. My guess, is that shaming the narcissist dater feeds into their adrenaline addiction and feelings of worthlessness.
Thank you so very much for sharing your knowledge Doctor Ramani. I am a psychology student and your videos have helped me a lot to understand some difficult concepts, please don't stop posting them. I can only wish to one day be half as knowledgeable like you, in my area of study . My deepest respect Doctor.
I seriously thought I was going crazy till I started watching your videos. I didn't know what narcissist abuse was, now I understand this relationship was not healthy and I know my own worth thank you.
trauma bond …the old saying "treat em mean keep em keen " ..nasty ,, lot of guys been told that at some time !
This is my 10 year marriage! I feel like I’m always waiting for the next crumb that will be thrown my way… amazing how when they think they are loosing you, they start giving you lots and lots of crumbs. 🙄 it’s actually physically painful
I tend to scare away toxic men and narcissists so it never gets serious but I am also sad because they had so many traits I did like and when I try to date someone non narcissistic I don’t always see those traits.
I guess because I am an ambitious woman and dating a normal guy I wonder if I can feel that strongly towards them. It’s like hard to find a guy who is ambitious like me and not a narcissist.
best way to break it is EFT ,,,tapping really work
I’m glad I’m normal. He can’t see his own behavior and tells me I dwell on things.I can’t get over the mean things he’s said and done when I thought he was nice and he acts like he did no wrong. So he’s going forward and I’m sitting here thinking I can’t believe how mean he was. It’s driving me crazy. Jekyll and Hyde .He would actually say something really mean followed by a cold evil laugh. Like he enjoys it. Sadistic.No conscience.
H.O.L.Y C.R.A.P. This makes soooooo much sense! Thank you!!!
Lies and infidelities are major threats to most marriages and relationships and it is important for us to be smart not to trust 100% when dealing with our partners. Yes, I know the importance of trusting but that same trust can hurt you so much and so badly. I’m glad that cyberhackinggenius helped cloned my husband’s phone. I got access to all his dealings both on phone and social media without touching his phone. All I did was share my husband’s phone number with Cyberhackinggenius and I was able to read both his new and deleted messages from my phone without having to touch his phone. My husband was a cheating Narcissist and I’m glad to find out all his secrets and infidelity with the help of cyberhackinggenius. I got to discover that my husband who is legally married to me here in UK is also recently married to another woman in Canada and I’m finally going through a divorce with lots of evidence against him. I read all deleted and recent chats on his Whatsapp, Twitter,Facebook,Instagram messages and Skype. You can contact this great hacker “Gavin” via Gmail (cyberhackinggenius) or text and speak to him directly on his phone and WhatsApp : +19256795146 and don’t forget to thank me later!
Thank you Dr. Ramani for this video of explaining what an actual relationshit with an addicting person is. This is the reason why the cluster B that was forcibly in my life for almost 18 years because we was addicted to each other,all the abuse and drama, the chaos, it trauma bonded me to an abuser, which is my attacker..i left that horrific mess 4 years ago, have been no contact all the way, but i still have these nightmares, and vision's of him, I still think from time to time on what damage he has done to me and my family, I have trauma therapy ever week and counseling for the last year and I'm no way 100%,the trauma is to great ,I don't no if I'll ever recover ..I also listen to these online videos,they help me get tru the lonely times..I had to rebuild from the ground up almost 2 years and still counting ,left with just the clothes on my back,its still traumatizing knowing I could have been killed any second, I had no idea who I was dealing with.came out with diagnosed PTSD, GAD, PD, MDD. I do no the red flags now I read up on narcissists and knowledge is power,and hopefully I'll never be in an addicting abusive relationshit ever again.
That's true Dr R I was the same get away and go back so many times in 9 years ,even my Friends were laughing at me
I love to meet with you for a while. I am in Florida, if you ever come down here for a conference, please let everyone know. Now, I have been in several addictive relationships. The first dr. said, I was addicted and this person, I was involved with probably had BPD, by the things I was describing. I ache when it ended. I knew it needed to, but oh my god, it was so bad. Then came another and another. Same results. I kept asking the dr. are you sure, I do not have BPD, they kept saying no. You seem to be a narcissistic magnet. I mean I been suicidal, wanting to die, trying to die. I am a well educated woman, without money worries. But, the thought of life without them, was unbearable. I boarderline stalk them, until I looked crazy, I felt crazy. Yes, I do get a high, when it first starts. I feel like a teenager all over again, heart racing, the entire bit. I been jumping though hoops for the last one for the last 18 months. Then she turn, except I was a little more prepared this time. She is lucking to be alive, I thought that would change her. No. Not one little bit. So it all started again. Her old x bf called me, gave me hell about things that were not true. Her drug addicted kids, threaten to beat me up. I have totally blocked her. I know, I do self talk, but oh in my heart, or addiction, I miss her. Normal people kept warning me this last one was crazy. I blew them off. i knew if she recovered she love me. LOL. Your you tube videos came just at the right time, Literally saving my life. She has all my stuff locked in her house. Refuses to give it back. Plus the money. I saw, every narcosis has gotten 10 of thousands of dollars out of me. You 5 personalities. that are narcosis magnet. I have 3 of them.. I do have normal friends, who support me though it. I almost afraid to tell them anymore. I never ever mention the money I lost. I lie about that. The first one the world knew, Not anymore, I am embarrassed. that I fell for it again. My son Alex who is Autistic, can pick them out, with a hello. He tell me, not to be friends with them. I do wish I listen to him. He predicts it ever time correct. I think in my mind, if I just love them, they will change. It not true.
Doctor Romani, it's been 50 years of this sibling, now I found out what has been going on behind the scene,I surely want to distance myself as far away as I surely am able!
Question for Dr. Ramani: I have made a lot of videos on YouTube about the overt and covert narcissists in my in-law family. I did call them out and now know (because of the smear campaign etc.) that I should have just gone "gray rock". My question is, "If my sister-in-law(s) watches my YouTube videos will that giver her narcissistic supply?" Just curious. I have over 100 videos that I have made during my healing/recovery.
Thx needed this Beautiful Ones. xoxo www.kabbalah.com
Lies and Infidelity is a very serious issue to deal with and it’s a major threat to most marriages and relationships.Scars left behind from a narcissist husband is hard to erase from the mind. I was reluctant at first about finding the truth about my cheating husband but I’m glad I finally took the courage for it .I got help from Cyber Hack Solutions as he helped clone my cheating husband’s phone and I got access to all his phone call logs, emails, text messages both deleted texts and also social media chats; whatsApp , Facebook, Instagram without having access to his phone because he is mostly out of town due to the nature of his work and I was able to track his location too, all I provided was his phone number to this wonderful hacker. This was very revealing for me as he’s a serial cheater until I got into his phone and ended things.I’m glad to uncover his, lies, secrets and Infidelity. You can contact this amazing Hacker David via gmail (cyberhack003) or text and call on his phone and WhatsApp : +15303784744
This video is comforting, knowing we’re not experiencing this alone. Stay strong in no contact. It’s empowering.
PS: Delete all the Narcs photo and do not ever look at their social media.
The last 4 months of my relationship with the Narc I was repeatedly (everyday 3-4 times) sitting down on the edge of my bed, while alone, in complete quietness, I would ask myself…
"Are you in love with him?…No""Do you want to be romantically intimate with him?… No""Do you want him in your life as a friend?… No""Do you even like him as a human being?… No"
"Why TF are you in a relationship with him?… I don't know"
This is when I finally got it through my head it was an addiction… and made me realize why I have never been able to break free from my parents, at the age of 41… (but, unfortunately I'm broken, exhausted to the point I can't work, and out of resources b/c I spent about $220k in student loans trying to break free from my parents and now I'm trapped b/c I don't trust anybody/do haven't been able to work for the last 10 years from the PTSD). There needs to be a safe house where people can go when exhausted, in all ways possible, from this abuse to heal and get back on their feet
Shit this is all.so.true .i know.he is not good for me but i love him.dearly!! ….
You are so right it is like an addiction, i even said that to a friend. I ruminate so much, constantly, every waking moment.
Dr R…this is such a KIND video…thank you. Keeping my eyes above the waves
I have also gone cold turkey with my mother, sister and ex-husband. So many narcissists 🙂
Finally went no-little contact (I have to be in some contact with this person). I had enough! I’m constantly sick, sleepless nights, anxiety and just tired of the manipulation games. It’s always my fault
This sounds so much like me and my soon to be ex husband. He would break up with me and then I would beg him to take me back then he would break up with me then I beg to take him back all because he felt that I was taking to much of his time even though I barely saw him. Then I had to beg him to marry me and he would push back our wedding or re changing the date or just saying yeah yeah yeah. Now I am trying to divorces man almost 2 years later and it has been a nightmare
Do narcissist ever become self aware and try and fix their behavior?
Do my ex narcissist didn’t start pulling back until the last year we were together- year 4.5. Not that soon. I was reading that sociopaths and psychopaths can wear the mask longer than a narcissist. He def did some crazy “psychotic” things during that last year. So I now question the extent of pathology my ex is.
This is so true!!! Still addicted to that person.. 😔
after listening to that framwork of addiction , yes, I was and still am fighting the addiction
Yes! I'm currently feeling the effects of withdrawal and it's difficult because when you look at everything you see you've been treated like a yo-yo and that's not OK. Why does it affect you so deeply when they pull away when all they have done is mistreat you. They've sold you a lie. They are not as good as theyve hyped themselves up to be and will never be to you what they've promised. Just let the toxic feelings subside and don't talk to them again and put yourself in higher regard. The mistake is putting them so high on your priority, like idolizing them which is dangerous so don't idolize.. what you go through with a narc is a consequence of that.
Dr. Ramani, for those of us who've been observing Meghan Markle for over two years now, she shows obvious signs of being an overt narcissist. I was wondering if you've watched her and Prince Harry together. It looks and sounds like he's addicted to her. I commented in another YTer's comment section that the RF needs to do an intervention for Harry to address his addiction to Meghan Markle! Do you have any comments on this couple? Thanks.
Bullseye! Thank you!
Very correctly said. I really admire you dr. ramani. It is important to realise that this forms an addiction and takes real hard work to get out. It is extremely difficult but a life changing journey. A great lesson from God. Thanks for your very important video.
Thank you for normalizing this for me. I’ve felt so crazy and ashamed because I couldn’t let go for so long, and having family and friends get frustrated and disappointed with me didn’t help either. Your videos have also helped me to understand that he was a narcissist when I was left so confused. Thank you for shedding light on this whole crazy reality of narcissism!
I love this! So validating, so comforting and encouraging!I have been going through all of the things that you spoke of. I seriously thought that I was going to die when I broke up with him. It has been 10 months and I still long for him periodically. It all makes so much sense when I hear your words about it. You get it!! Thank you!!
My perplexity is: why do we get addicted to one person or people. But not another?! I find this question highly compelling.Could it be because of the love bombing? We feel very validated (get addicted) because we have lacked that in our childhood?My ex narc did not verbally love bomb-he loved bombed with affection and attention. That was very validating to me.
You are helping to validate and change the lives of others. Thanks for being you xx
I have lots of dreams iam really happy and inlove but with men I have never met or seen . I wake up disappointed . Talk about escapism from the horrors he put me through . I dream of him there nasty !
I agree with what you say. I have thought about this a lot because people used to point fingers at me and say that my relationship was the "streetcar of desire" and during the legal divorce the lawyers made comments like "tit for tat" and said that I must have been a "codependent". I felt very wronged by this idea that I was somehow just addicted to his behavior. First of all, if by magic– he suddenly became more normal, and cured of his narcissism, I would have been thrilled. Secondly, it was extremely important to me to have a empathetic relationship with my daughter which he was trying to destroy. A true addict would try to reinforce the evil behaviors that they are addicted to in other people and children so as to get the same kinds of reactions from everyone. If anything, it was more like a constant forced drugging, and during periods where I was left alone I spent all of my energy trying to "come to". Just not a fair assessment. People like to over rationalize things they dont want to empathize with.
And I would have to say that in my case the "going back" phases were less like druggie relapses and more like the result of constant brainwashing and a lack of monetary resources (due to having lost 10 years of work life to this monster) so people have to realize that they are going to be very behind starting from scratch when they leave (in many ways) and their narc ex is going to likely take advantage of this in every way possible. Sort of like someone trying to escape from North Korea. If thats the only home you had and you have to walk without any clothes or resources to escape from North Korea, and sleep outside and stuff but are surrounded by wealthy people when you escape, then you might end up going back out of desperation– but in my view thats really a kind of force that comes from the communists rather than a problem with addiction. It just takes a dramatic outlook and you have to constantly remind yourself of what a horrible mess you are in.
Great video. Thank you.
There IS brain chemistry involved just like in gambling addiction despite no chemical. The addition & withdrawal is real!!!
This is me. When we break up, I go into a panic attack. I try to think of anything I can give up or do to keep him to stay. I know it’s bad, and I know that the anxiety will come, but it’s like a physiological response that I can’t control. I want out and sometimes I can pull myself away, it takes all the strength I have and then I get pulled back in again.I’ll keep trying. One day at a time.
This describes it exactly. I thought I was crazy but this video is really helping me validate my feelings and what I went through in that relationship. It’s extremely difficult to stay out of it, and the worst part is I do still feel guilty about leaving him. Has anyone else experienced that? Like I abandoned some small child who doesn’t understand why his mom left.
my brain remembers the wonderful good feelings when I was with him. It took having him yell at me three times over a week, that I finally hit a bottom and used the first 3 Steps of AA to recover. It's working. Been sober over 40 why not use the Steps on this too; I am thinking about him less and less…
thanks mam,that addiction keep me search this kinda videos.am from india am keep touching with your page and didnt get repaly. the name is cm midhun
That is exactly how I described the feeling. I told my husband that the narcissist I worked with was like a drug. An addition. The narcissistic coworker was obsessed with me and I tried to ignore him but he wouldn't leave me alone. My husband knows about it. I think he felt helpless because there was nothing he could do to protect me from the narcissist. It was the weirdest feeling ever.
Thank you for the validation of saying how it's normal to feel like that in a narcissistic relationship. I thought it was just me.💜
"Chemical changes in the brain" like the release of endorphins/serotonin/dopamine??
Nearly 20 years of chasing that dragon.
The intermittent reinforcement you get from a narcissist is quite addictive.
No contact is the remedy to it all!
Narcissists are addictive whereas normal people aren't, so confusing 🤷
Is it wise (once out of the relationship) to keep doing business/ ministry/ cooperate together with this person? What is your opinion?
Love ur show mama 💕💕💕
I’m 25, an addict in recovery, and the narcissist in my life was my older sister (I shut her out completely 4 years ago), but now through owning my addictive personality, and traveling to the root causes I am learning how deeply the codependency travels in my psyche… from having such an unhealthy formative relationship with a toxic person.
She had me on a hook most of my life and reeled my family and I back in for fun or vengeance. She was my first friend, and taught me many destructive behaviors. Through these videos and journaling alongside, I am beginning the process of forgiving myself for being complacent and silent when she unraveled my family’s life. And also for not knowing better…
I just wanted to thank you 🙏🏼 You are a light for people that have been through darkness. And I’d love more videos like this or on siblings relationships if you have any advice 💜
Mmmmm this is true.
Doctor Ramani, I feel like you are my personal therapist. Your videos have helped me, in a tremendous way, to process all that I already knew but needed someone to properly state it so I can reflect on it and accept all the things that have happened to me. My narcissist has an incredible cover, is the Perfect guy, has it all, is very disciplined and he absolutely destroyed me and turned me into a drug addict as well because I was so incredibly depressed due to this extremely polarizing situation I was in. He is all that existed for me, for 10 years, he used me and discarded me more times than I can count.
Thank you for these wonderful, educational and insightful videos. It has been a year and a half since he’s been gone but I still deal with the consequences of the decade past. You have helped me close many doors and gain back the value he completely destroyed in every possible way. Thank you, BIGLY.
I love this woman. She’s been so helpful to me in how she explains everything about narcissistic personality disorder and beyond. It definitely has been a rude awakening to learn about “the love of my life” for 12 years in a nutshell. I kept breaking my head and kept blaming myself and other things and he was the problem all along. It’s never too late. I’m glad I broke up with him and was smart enough to put my foot down. Although its painful to having to go through this; however, this experience made me wiser and stronger.
I was with a narcissist. Literally cried every single day because I’d have this conflicting feeling that I loved her so much…and also that shews hurting me allure time. If I didn’t hear from her in 5 hours I would have a major anxiety attack. Whenever she “came back” I’d feel high again, like everything was perfect. No matter what I did I couldn’t get away. I even vomitted when I’d feel like she was slipping away. The hold she had on me, on my SOUL, was insane. She painted a picture of how we’re gonna be when were married, we even named our future kids. I couldn’t take it. She was so manipulative and abusive to me. I finally gave her an ultimatum and, through many tears, vomits and heartbreak, I slowly let her go. It’s been 7 weeks since she left for good. I still miss her, I keep thinking she’s gonna text me. The funny thing is that she had the nerve to tell me that I was toxic for her in her life. She didn’t deserve all the love I gave her. Btw I’m an ENTP Leo and she’s an INxJ Scorpio.
I still can’t feel highs anymore. I literally can’t. I’m afraid that I won’t have that passion and love feeling for anyone else. I don’t have anything in me anymore. Just emptiness.
I would literally have obsessive thoughts, round and round and round in my mind. Needing to do more to hopefully get his validation and then when I FINALLY would my nerves would calm and I'll be soothed but only for a moment. Shortly after the intermittent validation the confusion would start all over again because he would say or do something that makes NO SENSE!!!!!!!!!!!! Constantly thinking IS IT ME? WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH? I know I have SO MUCH inner work to do which I'm working on, I need my love, I need my time, I need my gentleness and understanding, all the things I was providing him with whilst he gave the absolute BAREEEEEE minimum in return. Ending the relationship was and is the first step in my journey to getting back to me.
Was with a narcissist for only 6 weeks and realised early enough. Lucky! Almost got trapped in this-on-off-thing but went "cold turkey" and was able to escape it this way (luckily we were long distance otherwise it would have probably been much harder). This video pretty much explains the situation I found myself in. Man, best sex of my life and I was on such a high. Crazy! But especially afterwards, I really had and still have withdrawal symptoms. Best is to really get rid of anything that reminds you of your ex-narcissistic-partner and move on with life. It gets better after time!
She's so hott;👄
Please can you make a video about narcissist whose biggest goal is to get you to scream.
I just being discarded by a guy that has show me all the signs of a narcissist. Luckly, we were in the early stage of a relationship, long distance, and the it didn't hurt that much.
I want to thank you Dr. Ramani, to educate me so I could recognize the unhealthy reactions in this exchange and move on feeling lucky to have seen it before it become serious.At 40 y.o., after growing up with abusive parents, and having had many failed unhealthy relationships because of the codependency in me and lack of boundaries, I am now able to recognize an abusive behaviour.I listen to the voice inside me, I take the red flags into great consideration, and I say my no.And that thanks to people like you, Dr. Ramani, who are sharing this informations for free on youtube.Again, and from the bottom of my heart, thank you!
Warmly, Giulia SorrentinoRome, Italy.
Date not for romance, date for collecting data, my friends.
I doubt there are no changes in the brain. When it gets to the point of getting in the way of a normal fulfilling life the brain is operating with another sort of reward. Addiction. Pharmacist here btw.
This is so on point! How is it that all the narcissists know what to do? Is there a school that these ppl attend to learn how to get someone addicted to them. Later I felt like I was a host in my body, and that host was him, he took control and I felt too weak to expel the host …
I went no contact! Even though I still think about him…after 6 months.. it's now it's only occasionally ….I know he's literally evil! I started my life over and blocked him and even called the police when he wouldn't leave me alone!
Hi Dr. Ramani! I know that there are variables that can make one susceptible to narcissistic abuse via a boss, parent, partner, etc. However, is a drug addict or alcoholic more likely to get addicted to a narcissist or does it apply to all others. Does it have anything to do with low self esteem, or not? Or, does the narcissist (affect) damage everyone in their path? Thx, Linda, Dallas, Tx
I REALLY want there to be a study about the dopaminergic effects. I truly believe there are long-lasting effects based on how different I am post-relationship.
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