WiW16 – Addiction & Sobriety – Podcast

WiW16 – Addiction & Sobriety – Podcast

– [Bridget] This is Walk-Ins
Welcome with Bridget Phetasy I’m Bridget Phetasy and you are welcome. (Bridget laughs) (upbeat music) You know the drill. Please subscribe, rate, comment, share, reach out, tell your friends,
send smoke signals, whatever. We love your feedback and
we wanna hear from you. This episode of Walk-Ins
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for 15% off today. People are always asking me, “Who are you and how did you get here?” So the occasional Walk-Ins Welcome episode is gonna answer some of those questions in a segment I like to call
Story Hour with Bridget Phetasy. Some names have been bleeped
to protect the innocent. – [Maggie] All right,
it’s time for another Story Hour with Bridget Phetasy. – [Bridget] That’s right folks, buckle up. ’cause I’m gonna tell the
story of how I got sober. – [Maggie] Yeah, ’cause we’re covering
your addiction, sobriety. – [Bridget] Well, I thought
because last week I did a Tweet, a lot of people reach out
to me and they’re like, “I have 30 days,” ’cause I’m always so open
about being sober on Twitter. And so a lot of people reach out and they’ll share or they’ll DM me like, “I have five months,” or whatever. Like three people did it yesterday so I was inspired to Tweet just that people had been reaching out and then everyone
started posting how long, I have no idea how many sober
people were following me and it was so inspiring. Twitter’s been such a dumpster fire and it was just this
light, positive thing. But then of course come all the questions. – [Maggie] Right. – [Bridget] And it’s like, “How long have you been sober? “How did you get sober? “How did you do it?” So I thought it would be a
good chance to tell that story and I will treat it a
little bit like an AA share, or a 12-Step share. Generally I wouldn’t go for an hour, but, I probably could. (both laughing) – [Maggie] You can always– – [Bridget] Yeah, well
no, I could go for an hour it’s just you generally don’t get an hour unless you’re on the circuit
doing an hour-long speech, I’m not doing an hour but
my story is easily an hour. Or you’ll do like 40 minutes
and then do questions but I want you to jump
in and just ask questions as we go along. – [Maggie] Yeah. Well let’s start with, can you remember your first
experience with alcohol or drugs or like the first time you
ever got high or drunk? – [Bridget] Yeah, I think my
first drug of choice was sugar. I honestly think that I do not, I don’t know if it’s genetics
or whatever it is, a disease. I always have a bit of a hard
time with that concept still. My first sponsor said think
of it like an allergy. It’s like when I have
a negative reaction to, but I just have an addictive personality, so, I feel like that’s something genetic because you are my cousin and you can say, “I’m gonna have one beer,” and you will have one beer. And I would say, “I’m
gonna have one beer,” and everyone would roll
their eyes and I would say, “Yeah I’m gonna be the sober cab,” and everyone would laugh. (both laughing) Because that’d never happen. Once I started drinking
it was like Pringles, once you pop, I couldn’t stop. But, looking back, I
treated sugar the same way I treated drugs. And when I was a kid we used
to eat those little gummy, they weren’t gummy bears they
were like the fruit snacks that came in the little bags and I hoarded mine. My siblings, I’m the oldest of five, they would all eat theirs right away and I kept mine in a big bag. And then someone stole my bag, rightfully so, I mean I was
being an obnoxious hoarder. And so I had this huge
bag and I was saving it and they stole it, and I
think they all divvied it up and ate it amongst themselves. And I lost it, like couldn’t get over it, still remember it to this day. We were going up to this cabin
we used to go to in Minnesota I was probably like eight
or nine, I mean I was young. It was in like second grade,
first or second grade, and I also remember having
really junkie behavior around candy and like Kool-Aid. My parents would give me Kool-Aid and say, “Go have a Kool-Aid stand.” And I would drink all
the Kool-Aid and get high and be running around like
a maniac with blue lips and tell my parents that
someone knocked over my Kool-Aid and that they spilled
it and it was all gone. – [Maggie] Wow. – [Bridget] Yeah I was lying and using. And then, on my 10th
birthday, my godfather gave me two pounds of gummy bears. And learning from my siblings stealing all of my fruit snacks earlier, I was still traumatized
clearly because I locked myself in my dad’s office, it
was above the garage, I ate all two pounds of the gummy bears and spent my entire birthday throwing up. (both laughing) And then they all got to eat my cake. Yeah. – [Maggie] That’s an amazing story. – [Bridget] It’s addict behavior though. – [Maggie] Right. So obviously, very young. But I also, I think for listeners
too maybe in a different Story Hour we’ll cover a little
bit more of your childhood. But you were, you were
like a straight-A student. – [Bridget] Oh yeah, I was a good kid- – [Maggie] You were on
the straight and narrow, you were like, on– – [Bridget] I was a parent’s wet dream. – [Maggie] Right, you were
going to an Ivy League school. That was your dream.
– [Bridget] That was my dream. And, I remember going to
D.A.R.E. and being like, “I’m never gonna be an
idiot that does drugs.” I just thought it was so stupid, I didn’t understand why
anyone would do that. I had letters when I moved
from Connecticut to Minnesota, which we’ll do another Story
Hour where we cover my moving but I moved from Connecticut
to Minnesota when I was at the end of 7th grade. So my friends and I would write letters, because it was pre-internet. These things called letters. – [Maggie] You’d write them out longhand. – [Bridget] You’d write
them on paper and send them, snail mail. – [Maggie] Penmanship mattered. – [Bridget] And my friend told me that she had tried
smoking weed or something or she was thinking
about it and I was like, “I would never do that!” So morally righteous and I
would never do such a thing, I can’t believe it! And like a year later. My first time drinking I blacked out. I was with a bunch of older kids, we took- – [Maggie] How old were
you, what grade were you? – [Bridget] It was right when my parents, probably the summer between… When did my parents separate? It was the summer between
6th and 7th grade I think. – [Maggie] Wow, that’s young. – [Bridget] Yeah I was young, like 12. – [Maggie] You always hung
out with older kids though. – [Bridget] Yeah, and they took, it was three couples and me and we all went out to this island that was off the coast of Connecticut, just this small little one,
like Sandy Point or something. And they left me with a cooler of beer and they all went to go
make out on the island, and they said, “Guard the beer,” and I just sat there and
drank by the fire by myself. And I drank maybe six or
eight beers my first time and I was drunk, blacked
out, don’t remember anything, don’t remember really getting home. They came back, I do
know that they were like, “Oh crap, we got this
young girl hammered.” They were kind of all drunk too. And, that was kinda
that, off to the races. I loved it. I felt cool, I was with the older kids. But it wasn’t even that I felt cool, I drank to fit in so much that I moved every year and a half. So, it wasn’t like I cared about, I mean I cared about being
cool and popular and whatever but I kind of moved beyond
that after moving so many times and going to three 8th
grades and two freshman years kind of destroyed me, and
I stopped caring and just used drinking because I
knew that at every school there would be people who partied. So it wasn’t like I
cared about being cool, I just knew it was an easy
way in to making friends without ever having to let people see me. – [Maggie] And I remember
you talking about this before where you learned to be a human chameleon. You learned to become kind of
whatever role you needed to be in whatever new school you were in. – [Bridget] And I always drank. I mean I think the first
time I ever tried booze was in the basement at our uncle’s, there was like a New Year’s Eve
party and somebody had vodka and I drank some vodka. That was the first time I ever had booze and I didn’t hate it. And then when I got drunk that first time, I wanted oblivion. I always drank for oblivion,
that was always what I wanted. That’s why I don’t understand moderation. Like two drinks sounds like hell to me. I never drank to, I never
wanted to drink normally. I might have tried to behave
later once after rehab and all the things that we’ll get to, but my original desire
all through junior high and high school was just oblivion. And when I started smoking, which was very shortly
after I started drinking, I smoked a joint with
a bunch of older kids on the way to the head shop
that they were going to ’cause they needed to get
some supplies and I got high, instantly fell in love with it and we can talk about weed
too because I feel like it’s, I mean they’re all different addictions but weed is insidious and my true love. I loved it instantly, bought
a pipe that we called Bubbles. ‘Cause it looked like those old school, you know those things you
used to blow bubbles out of? – [Maggie] Oh yeah, like the little pipes? – [Bridget] It was like
a crack pipe, basically, but it was blue and gold, I remember it. And it ended up being my school colors at one of the new schools I
went to and everyone loved it. It was kinda like Pinchy. – [Maggie] Right. – [Bridget] We’ll get to Pinchy. Pinchy had a life of her own. So instantly off to the
races with that too. It was like I got stoned, I bought paraphernalia
and I was off and running. And with drinking, I don’t
think I started drinking and was like drinking all the time. It just wasn’t that easy to come by but I drank as often as I could. Then when we moved from
Connecticut to Minnesota, then I was in high school, 8th grade. So I went to three 8th grades, and the first one was like, I was like the only white girl. It was in, it was a private
school but it was in the hood in Minneapolis, and I mean I
was a chameleon so I became like the, I guess back in
the day they called them, I don’t even know if you
can say this anymore, but it was like a wigger. (both laughing) – [Maggie] That’s right,
I forgot about that. I don’t know I’m gonna
have to look that up before we publish this
podcast and see if it’s still – [Bridget] It’s so bad that
you have to like, snap on. I mean that was what it was called then, I don’t, I’m not calling it now. I don’t know what the term is. – [Maggie] Right, but
that’s what you were? – [Bridget] That’s what
everyone called me. And I started dating
this guy that was like, we were hanging out at
the Y, it was problematic. I started getting in with the wrong crowds and wearing big hoop earrings
and I got my hair permed and I was just a shit show. So my parents pulled
me out of that school, I think it was like four months in. – [Maggie] So at this
point though your parents were divorced and was your mom remarried? – [Bridget] Yeah my mom., Well, they–
– [Maggie] Your mom and stepdad. – [Bridget] Yeah my mom
and stepdad got together when my mom and dad got separated. They both got into the relationships that they’re still in today but that was when they were separated, and then less than a week
after the divorce was final my mom got remarried,
which was a year later. And then we basically moved,
we left after they got married. So that summer was very busy. My mom, she got divorced,
remarried, and then we moved. To Minnesota. Far away from all of our
family and everything we knew. And that’s when the drinking, you know, when the cat’s away, the mice will play. So it started in 7th grade
I was drinking a lot too because I was just running
with the older kids and the– – [Maggie] Right ’cause your
parents kind of stopped– – [Bridget] I started smoking
in 7th grade, cigarettes. – [Maggie] They were going
through their own shit so they kinda stopped
paying attention, I guess. – [Bridget] Yeah, they
stopped being parents. That’s when I stopped having
parents is when I was 12. And they did the best they could, I guess, but they were really just
involved in their own lives and dramas and my mom married somebody who needed a lot of attention. And so I just kind of was
off and running and drinking and playing spin the bottle. – [Maggie] Right. So they pulled you out of that
school, then what happened? – [Bridget] And then
we moved to Minnesota, I went to 8th grade. I got pulled out of that school. And then I went to Beneld,
where I was so out. It was kind of all these
rich kids in Minnesota, and they were so mean to me. These girls were so cruel to me. I started getting migraines,
I had to get a MRI because they thought
that I had a brain tumor but it was stress headaches. God, that time was rough. I’ve blocked that out of my mind but I did find the kids who drank. I remember smoking cigarettes
a lot at Beneld, at parties. I have such a vivid memory of
drinking a beer in a hot tub and smoking a cigarette and feeling like the only person in the world. And I think that was around the time, “My So-Called Life” was on. That show, like saved my life. And then I went to this
school called Holy Angels. And proceeded to get in so much trouble. My best friend’s name was Bridget, and we were like trouble on two wheels. I didn’t have a car so I
roller bladed everywhere. Everywhere. Around all the lakes and
downtown Minneapolis. Yeah ’cause nobody would drive me anywhere so I’d roller blade like
20 miles to go to a party. It was nuts.
– [Maggie] Oh my God. – [Bridget] I couldn’t drive, I was 15. – [Maggie] You’re lucky you aren’t dead. – [Bridget] I almost did
get kidnapped one day. These guys drove into the
cul-de-sac and two of ’em started chasing me and two
of ’em opened the trunk, and I roller bladed into traffic. I just like roller bladed into the street. I know. It was terrifying, actually. But we started smoking so much weed. – [Maggie] Obviously
you’ve been through a lot or were going through a
lot, so no wonder you were seeking oblivion, too. – [Bridget] Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that was a
dark time in our family. Maybe some of the darkest,
which is saying a lot. But the home life was
insane at that point. Or it was the beginning of insane and weed was my coping
mechanism from day one. I could not look any of it in the face, and so I just smoked myself. My whole thing was always
like smoke myself retarded. I know you can’t use that word. I’m sorry. But that’s what we said. – [Maggie] But I think having
talked to you about it later, you were also, it also saved
your life at that point because it was your way of numbing. – [Bridget] I do think looking back, I probably would’ve killed
myself as a teenager I think. I think I woulda been, I was always a deep, little soul. I think I was always a deep
thinker, even as a little kid and I couldn’t, I was watching my mom really
struggle and my siblings and feeling like powerless and helpless and oblivion was the only way out really from my perspective so I don’t… And I was already really depressed. I remember sitting down in my
room, it was in the basement, and listening to “Wish
You Were Here” on repeat. For some reason I just listened to that. Even now when I hear that
song, the Pink Floyd song, it just triggers, I can
be in that basement. And I was just stoned all the time. And I was totally one
of those proud stoners. I feel like the way I was at that age is the way the world
is now about marijuana. They’re like, “Look at us, we’re smoking! “Smoking is so cool.” Like you’re advertising it. – [Maggie] Legal these days.
– [Bridget] But I was wearing the Rasta shirts and that was when that
Snoop Dogg album came out that everyone knew by heart. And it was the year that, oh my God, see I’m such a stoner. That my favorite movie ever. – [Maggie] What, “Harold and Maude”? – [Bridget] No, no, no. That is my favorite movie ever, but the stoner movie. – [Maggie] “Dazed and Confused”? – [Bridget] Yeah! “Dazed and Confused” came out
and we knew that by heart. Yeah that was the year that
my smoking really took a, just became daily. Just became a daily smoker. And my parents promised
that if I got good grades that I could stay at this
school and I liked it. And then they lied. And I got good grades and
then they moved to the suburbs and I had to go to a
school in the suburbs. – [Maggie] This was your freshman year? – [Bridget] No, this
was my sophomore year. – [Maggie] Oh, so you went to two schools in your sophomore year too? – [Bridget] No, I went to two
schools in my freshman year. Three in my 8th grade. The first one in my 8th
grade was visitation, which I was at for three days. It was a school that I was
at where my best friend was when I was in kindergarten
through second grade, it was like a private Catholic school. Then we moved away, so I guess I’m gonna have to give people this overview. We moved back to Connecticut, and then moved back to Minnesota but that was just a freak chance that my stepdad had a house in Minnesota. And then they felt bad and
wanted me to go to this school but it was such a huge commute
on the other side of town that they’re like, “No,
this isn’t gonna work,” after like three days. So then they put me in Saint
Ann Saint Margaret Mary– – [Maggie] That’s the one
you wanted to stay in? – [Bridget] No, that was
the one where I became like, I was becoming a hood rat essentially. – [Maggie] Then I’m talkin’
about your freshman year. – [Bridget] Oh, freshman
year, I spent half of that. So then I ended my 8th
grade year at Beneld and started my 9th grade year at Beneld. – [Maggie] And that’s the one they promised you could stay at? – [Bridget] No. Then Holy Angels I went to
halfway through my 8th grade year and my freshman year. – [Maggie] Why did you switch then? – [Bridget] Because I was
getting migraines and I was so– – [Maggie] Oh, you were
getting tortured, right okay. – [Bridget] I was so tortured
and bullied and miserable. And so they put me in this other school. Meanwhile my siblings are
all just in public school. I don’t know why I was in, why I didn’t just go to public school but I think because I was
this straight-A student they were trying, and the public schools
were good for the option where my younger siblings were, and they weren’t good for my age. – [Maggie] Right, right. So, then the one you ended
your freshman year in, that was the one you wanted to stay in and they said you could but
then you guys moved again. – [Bridget] Yeah and I was devastated. And then we went to Orno and that was, I just partied
for the rest of my high school. And it escalated, but it never
escalated to the point that I was doing hard drugs
in high school at least. I mean I shroomed and did some
psychedelics and whatever but then I got drugged and
raped after my senior year. And that was when everything, then I went to college in Minnesota which was a huge mistake, I should’ve not. I was drinking, blacking out, drinking. I mean, I missed a third of
my junior year of high school just to party. I went to my senior graduation wasted. I mean I was, we almost missed it. We were out on the lake drinking. I was always partying and
always going to live music and it just became everything. And I would smoke before I went to school and I would leave school and
smoke weed and come back. I started working in a
restaurant really young and then that’s when my
real fixation with booze, I got even more enamored
with the lifestyle. I mean now I look at it and
it’s such a funny perspective but at the time, I was like,
they sit after work and drink. – [Maggie] The waiters
and waitresses, yeah. – [Bridget] Yeah and I was
a busser and I just so badly wanted to be that. And then I ended up going to college and I was in the dorm for
a minute and I hated that. And then I got a job and my own place but still was going to college. Then I started doing hard drugs. It just escalated. I tried meth and I was
going to raves for awhile, then I was doing, it’s funny when I think about how quickly once I started doing hard
drugs, I bottomed out. It was like a year. – [Maggie] Yeah. – [Bridget] I just rock
bottomed by the end of my– – [Maggie] Well it’s
like you were spiraling after being drugged and raped. – [Bridget] Well, yeah, and
I think the trajectory was… It was basically a long slow decline with a rapid ending rock
bottom one, we’ll call it. And that was one year, essentially. I got drugged and raped, started
doing tons of hard drugs, got kicked out of college,
started using heroin, gave everything up. Lost my job, lost my
apartment, lost everything. It was so quick. I lost everything. When I think about it, I
lost everything in a year. – [Maggie] Did you move to LA
at one point during that time? – [Bridget] No I came
to LA with my boyfriend, who I started doing drugs with because he had a screening of a movie and that was like my rock
bottom, was out here. I mean I could write a fucking
screenplay about that week. – [Maggie] Is that when
it was pouring rain and you were walking? – [Bridget] Yeah. Yep, it was after the screening and my boyfriend was
flirting with some girl and I left, it was at bar Roman and I left Chateau Marmont and I
was walking back to our, we were at the Best Western on Sunset, which you can see from the Comedy Store. Whenever I’m on the Comedy
Store patio, I’m like, “I almost died in that
building over there,” because I almost ODed. We were running and we
had done tons of blow and we were running down the stairs and I just collapsed ’cause I think I had like a
mini heart attack or something. I was so petrified, my
boyfriend was screaming. Mind you, I weighed 89
pounds at this point. I mean, this was after Mame died too. – [Maggie] Right, our grandmother. – [Bridget] Our grandmother
died in the midst of all this. It was right before I went out. Right before I went out to LA. It was in April, and then
we were out there in May and so I was a shit show. I gave the eulogy at my
grandmother’s funeral on heroin, unbeknownst to anyone, really. – [Maggie] No, I had no idea. – [Bridget] Nobody would
know, yeah, (bleep) knew. – [Maggie] One of our cousins knew. – [Bridget] Yeah, ’cause she was smart. And I was walking home. I do believe I have so
many guardian angels. There have been so many times
where I’ve been blacked out or in some state where
someone just shows up and picks me up and brings
me back to where I should be. – [Maggie] Yeah, so what happened? So you were walking home. – [Bridget] I was
walking the pouring rain. I didn’t have anything, I had
our hotel key that was it. I didn’t even have a jacket. And this cab driver
pulled over and was like, “You need a ride?” And I said I don’t have
any money and he’s like, “I don’t care, just get in,
I’ll drive you where ever.” I was only going down
Sunset, but he gave me a ride back to the hotel and I had a bad night. We got into a huge fight. That week is so many
shameful, horrible memories of just debauchery and demoralization and things I don’t even remember and a director I could probably Me Too, still hasn’t been Me
Too-ed which is shocking, and so many bad, bad things. – [Maggie] Was that
where you had that moment where you were in the bathroom? – [Bridget] No, that was when I came home. So. My aunt tried to go get me in the Valley in the crack hotel den that we were in. It was like a hotel crack
den, it was disgusting and, if you know my aunt,
getting her to the Valley is and she had me in the car and
then my mom was on the phone and started yelling at me
and I got out of the car and went back to my
boyfriend and I was like, “F you and F this,” and all this stuff. And then we both had to
get, his parents were like, “Get your asses on that
plane and get home,” ’cause we were just out of control. On the way out to LA,
this is a crazy story. My boyfriend had a suitcase full of drugs, like all kinds of drugs. And he was a bit of a
child star so he was used to kind of just getting, you know, they’re used to doing whatever they want. And he started acting out
on the plane and pretending he didn’t know me, and
then he was stealing things but then he started stealing
the liquor from the little liquor from the things and it was just, and I was like, “His
friend died, I’m sorry.” And they were not having it. This was pre-9/11, mind you,
and they called the cops and the cops were waiting
for us in LA when we landed. Yeah, and so we had this
suitcase full of drugs and we’re landing in LA to the cops. I mean we were out of our minds on drugs so I’m not surprised, but when you think about
how unruly he must have been in order to have the police meet us. – [Maggie] How did you get out of that? – [Bridget] I have no idea, oh, I do know. Because Minnesota’s like land
of 10,000 treatment centers, there was this kid who was
coming back to LA from treatment and my boyfriend at the time was like, “Hey can you take this
suitcase off the plane with you “and meet us in baggage claim?” – [Maggie] Oh my God. – [Bridget] And the kid did it! – [Maggie] Oh my God. – [Bridget] I mean,
imagine that temptation. You are just fresh out of
rehab and someone gives you a suitcase full of drugs and is like, “Hey can you hold this for us
and meet us in baggage claim?” And he did. I couldn’t believe it. So we get off of the plane and there’s these two huge,
burly cops and they’re like, “What are you doin’ with
this fuckin’ loser?” They were so mad that I was
with this scrawny little loser. I was like, “I don’t know.” And it shoulda been a
warning sign for that whole– – [Maggie] The whole trip. – [Bridget] Yeah, I did
things that were unsavory, just ridiculous. – [Maggie] Okay, so, getting back to, so your parents and his parents were like, “Get on the plane,” back to Minnesota after
this horrible trip in LA. – [Bridget] Yeah, and I was
in the cab on the way to LAX with him and we were
smoking crack in the cab and the cab driver was like, “Stop smoking crack in my cab!” – [Maggie] (laughs) Oh my god.
– [Bridget] I mean, there were things, like, we were so high on blow
we got paranoid delusions and thought the DEA was chasing us, and he had destroyed multiple hotel rooms and I had to hide drugs and go. We sped over the canyons
like we were being chased. I mean, I called my aunt
and uncle and I was like, “There are helicopters
everywhere, they’re chasing.” I mean it was nuts, like crazy! – [Maggie] Yeah, yeah. – [Bridget] Crazy. – [Maggie] Okay, so, you
got on the plane though. Did you make it home? – [Bridget] Yeah, we made it to the plane and I remember throwing the
crack pipe out the cab window and being like, “I can’t do this anymore!” I was just so rock bottom. It was just so bad. And I had lost everything
at that point, really. I had lost my, I never lost a job and mind you I was 19 so it’s
not like I had that many jobs but I’ve been working since I was 10 and I ended up landing and going, my ex-boyfriend who I cheated on with the boyfriend I was with
picked me up from the airport and brought me back to my
apartment, and I was like, “I need help. “I need rehab or something.” Because he brought me to my apartment and I looked in the mirror
and I remember it so vividly, I bent over to get
something and you could see every one of my ribs. It was like disgusting, I was so skinny. And I was like, I did
have that moment like, “Who am I?” I looked in the mirror, I’m like, “What have I become?” I just didn’t, it was that, they call it a spiritual awakening. – [Maggie] Weren’t you
like, “I have no soul?” – [Bridget] I just remember
looking and my eyes were dead. Yeah, I mean, I was gone. And then it was Mother’s Day, which is probably subconsciously, I’ll let the therapists out
there work that one out. Feel free to psychoanalyze me and send it in in the comments. So I was like, “Happy Mother’s
Day, I’m a heroin addict.” – [Maggie] So you told your mom? – [Bridget] Yeah I had my
ex-boyfriend drive me out to where they were living in the suburbs and then I said I need help and they brought me to
a mental institution because that’s the experience that they, my stepdad was in and out
of mental institutions my whole upbringing so they
had a lot of experience with it and they were like, “Oh,
we’ll take you there,” which was hell because had they
taken me to an actual rehab they would have probably
tried to manage my detox you know so you don’t, like,
fry your brain because you do but I just detoxed cold turkey in a mental ward with a cutter roommate. – [Maggie] For three days, right? – [Bridget] Yeah, and I was kicking. I mean I don’t remember
much, I just remember being miserable and sick and so miserable. And there was this
lady, Fern was her name. And she was this old lady and
she was in the room next door and she would be like,
all day and all night, “Oh God, let me die! “Oh God, let me die!” Over and over, and then
she would have these horrific coughing fits where she went, (Bridget coughing) You would think that she was gonna die. You were like, “Is this the moment?” And then she’d stop and then it was like, “Oh God, let me die.” I mean and she was like
the external manifestation of my detox. I was like, “I was like
fucking let me die.” – [Maggie] What a horrible,
horrible experience. – [Bridget] And then, it’s a mental ward, and those places are nuts. And if you aren’t actually crazy
and you’re in a mental ward I remember calling my ex-boyfriend, he brought me McDonald’s
one day, came check on me after the 72-hour hold. Oh, well, part of it
was because I ended up having to go to the ER ’cause I was like apparently on death’s door. And they put me on this
respirator because I had had untreated bronchitis for
months and I couldn’t breathe. – [Maggie] Right, because
you were smoking heroin, weren’t you?
– [Bridget] Yeah, and snorting it, and then I shot it and was like, “I’m gonna die.” And then we ended up, when I was in LA the night that I walked back to the hotel, I locked myself in the
bathroom and did all the blow that we had or as much as I could. And then I superficially
took the razor to my wrist, but like, not enough but I was trying to get attention from my boyfriend, and I did wanna die, too, but not really. It was like a cry for help
cuts, but they were on my wrist so then when I went into– – [Maggie] The mental institution? – [Bridget] Well that’s I
think part of the reason that they were like, “We need to put her in
the mental institution.” I don’t know, apparently
I said all this stuff I don’t remember to this day. – [Maggie] So you were on
a 72-hour hold in your– – [Bridget] I don’t think
I was on a 72-hour hold. I think they just put me there and after 72 hours I was
allowed to get visitors. And then I was like, “Get me the fuck out of
here, I am not crazy.” And then they put me in this other rehab that was in a hospital but
it was a rehab, for a week. And that was where I got
sexually assaulted. (laughs) – [Maggie] Jesus. – – [Bridget] By one of
the dudes who was in there. It’s not funny but, it was just like– – [Maggie] It is a story
of compounding issues. – [Bridget] One thing after another. At that point I didn’t even care. I was detoxing, out of my
mind, had lost everything, hadn’t seen the sun because
they don’t let you outside so you’re just inside. And then I, after a week, they were like, “Well your insurance is
up, you’re free to go.” And I was like, “There’s no way. “I’m not, I’ll start doing drugs again.” – [Maggie] Right. – [Bridget] So I started calling around, and this is where it is like
I don’t know what this inner, like, there but for the grace of God go I. I don’t know what is in inside
of me that pulls me back from the ledge, but I
ended up, I was discharged and I called around and I’ll
never forget this either. I didn’t wanna be with
men, because, obviously. And I called this one halfway house, and it was state-funded. So what they had told me to do essentially was go put myself on general
assistance, which is welfare, and I was 18 so I put myself on welfare, I took a bus, got into
this place where everyone was offering me crack the
minute I got off the bus and I just put my blinders on, put myself, I barely remember it,
I remember the bus ride and I remember the crack
being offered to me everywhere and then getting on welfare
at this weird office. And then, it was somewhere in Minneapolis, and then took the bus back to my rehab, they discharged me and
this place accepted me. And it was like I called and
this woman Anita answered and I was like, “Hi, can you
tell me what this is like?” And she’s like, “You
ever heard of bootcamp?” Just like that. I was like, “Perfect.” I knew I needed something. I knew I needed my ass kicked. I just knew I needed structure and I knew I couldn’t go home. And so anything sounded better. I ended up getting discharged
and I never will forget this. I walked downstairs, I
was waiting for my cab to take me to my halfway house. I was tempted so many times,
and the guy that had been… I still remember his name, too. Had been in rehab with me and got out, and he was like in this
Cadillac waiting for me and it was like the cab and this Caddie. And he was already doing
blow in the Caddie, just like sitting on
the side of the rehab. He showed me all, he lifted up the thing and showed me the console, and showed me all the stuff in the middle, and I was like, it was such a clear
decision though, I was like, “This seems like death and
this seems like maybe life,” at least a chance. But this seems like almost certain death and so I went to my rehab
or to the halfway house and I was there for seven months. And it was run by lesbians
and they had seen everything and it was basically like
“Orange is the New Black,” before “Orange is the New Black.” It wasn’t jail, but it was
one of those halfway houses because it was state-funded and run, where it was like the
last stop before jail. So it was me, and
essentially 40 black women. And I was by far the
youngest, like by 20 years. And I was there for
awhile but they really, I mean those women, I might have drank and done drugs and done everything but I never ever touched heroin from that. I still celebrate that
milestone because I just, I mean it was a blessing and a curse. So the blessing is that I
never touched heroin again and that is a miracle because
it’s such a compelling drug and even right now if someone told me there was an asteroid heading for Earth, that is the first thought I would have is let’s go cop some smack. But I mean maybe not, but it
would be the first thought. I don’t know that I would act on it but it would be the first thought. It wouldn’t be my best one, probably. I’d like to take a quick break to talk about one of our
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for $50 off your first box, which is a great deal. – [Maggie] So, talk about the
rehab a little bit, I mean.. – [Bridget] They were great. I mean they just– – [Maggie] It was hardcore, right? You were in therapy, right? Group therapy? – [Bridget] Oh yeah, I was just, every minute was scheduled. You had group therapy, you
had individual therapy, you had small group therapy, you had morning meetings. – [Maggie] They didn’t let you
get away with any bullshit. – [Bridget] You had to
make your bed every morning like exactly the nice Army way and you had to, everybody had dish duty. So it wasn’t like a cushy Malibu resort, like we did all the cleaning,
we had chores on the weekends. It was nuts. – [Maggie] That’s probably
the best way to handle it– – [Bridget] You had phone time. Yeah. I mean it’s not like, there’s a freakin halfway
house across the street and there’s literally an ambulance there every other day. These places now are just insane and they’re cushy and you
live in like a mansion and they make your meals and
all this stuff, it’s nuts. I didn’t have any of that and it was the best thing ever, probably. And they did give me a lot of tools, like cluttered room, cluttered mind. That was the first time I ever heard that. I started going to meetings,
and was reluctant about it. My first meeting I was still pretty fresh, I was probably 10 days in. So I was still like kinda
rocking in my chair, and scratching and kicking a bit. Detoxing still, I’m sure. Not as hardcore, but I had a
bunch of pimps proposition me. They could just see right away. They’re like, “Oh honey, you look new.” It was an NA meeting actually, which is a different vibe completely. They can be great. One of the things they
say about NA is like, there’s people there to save their life and AA is people pissed
off that they can’t drink. I don’t necessarily agree with that but I always laugh at that
distinction the NAs make. – [Maggie] So, you made it through rehab. Did you decide to leave
after seven months? Do you think you were ready? – [Bridget] No basically I had been there as long as they could
pretty much let me be there. – [Maggie] Weren’t you like voted– – [Bridget] I was
nominated president, yes. – [Maggie] Of your rehab. (Maggie laughs) – [Bridget] And I only wanted it ’cause you got outta dish duty, but then you had to make
the chart for the dish duty and it was a nightmare. I woulda just rather washed
all the pots had I known. But, yeah I was there so long and, you know, it was, that was… I have a journal from then and I’ll write a play about it someday. I’ve always wanted to write
a play about that experience. It was so… – [Maggie] Where you
learned how to play dominoes and proceeded to teach everyone else. – [Bridget] In my life. Oh, God. We played so much dominoes. We would get put on
lockdown because we were bad or we were acting out
or fighting or whatever and the only way you could get cigarettes was if you played dominoes and
we would all bet cigarettes and I just sat down and acted like I knew how to play dominoes and I’m sure they were like, “Okay, little white girl, “sure you know how to play dominoes.” But I just sat and observed
and kind of picked it up and then I got hooked. We had tournaments ’cause we would be locked
down for the entire, ’cause it was a halfway house
so every 30 days you’re there you get more privileges like
you can walk to the store, you can, by the time I was there I was bike-riding to my 5:00 a.m. coffee shop job in the
freakin’ freezing cold. I mean it was all really,
all of that was so good because it did, whenever
later in life I thought about using heroin, kicking just
cold turkey with Fern, and bike riding in this
shitty bike in Minnesota freezing to a coffee shop job. I have such a vivid memory
of sitting in the cafeteria and it was when my siblings
were out east with you guys and hanging out on the
beach and all my friends were on the lake, partying and I’m like, I remember looking around
and just asking myself, “How did I get here? “How did I get here?” And my ex was at the cushy Hazelden ’cause he’s rich and we
used to, we got in trouble. I got put on male restriction,
interestingly enough. – [Maggie] What does that mean? Male as in men. – [Bridget] Yeah, because they
said that I had just as much of an addiction to men as
I did drugs and alcohol. Also true. And it happened because I lied and said that my ex’s
counselor said that it was okay for us to get together and he lied and said the
same about my counselor. And then I went to his
rehab and then we had sex and we got caught having sex. And then the counselors talked
to each other and I came back and my counselor was so pissed. She was amazing. – [Maggie] What does male
restriction look like? What does that mean? – [Bridget] I could only
talk to my brother or my dad. – [Maggie] Wow, no other
men allowed in your life. – [Bridget] No, I couldn’t
leave the place either. And it was for weeks, so I was
just a prisoner of this place and the only male that was
there was the maintenance guy and he and I became really
good friends, of course, because he’s like the only
male in a 20-foot vicinity. He actually became, I mean he
saved me, truly, in many ways ’cause he was a reformed
junkie and he would just make me promise that I
wouldn’t leave over the weekend and I had such a crush on him
because he was the only male I was allowed to talk to,
that I would wanna leave. And girls were leaving all the time, women were leaving in groups. They’d like, just leave. People who were doing well,
they would all leave together. It was so traumatizing,
these people you get to know. – [Maggie] So then what
happened when you left rehab? – [Bridget] Ugh. It was a shit show. I mean that whole– – [Maggie] So then you had
another whole shit show of an emotional thing happen for the next, what, year and a half? – [Bridget] Ugh, God, yeah. – [Maggie] But were you
clean through that time? – [Bridget] No! I was sober probably a month
out of the halfway house. But then all this other
stuff started happening with my family and I
was really getting back, it wasn’t that I was
getting back on track, I just realized that I
found the path I’m on now. Which is that I wanted to be an artist and a writer and a creative, and it had never been
something I knew was possible. I thought I had to go to college and get a communications degree or go be in marketing
or go have a real job or whatever. I didn’t think that I could. I mean I always wrote, and
I wanted to be a writer when I was little but I just
didn’t, I had lost that. I was lost. I was so lost. So I started kind of rediscovering
myself and then, ugh. – [Maggie] You started drinking
and smoking weed again? – [Bridget] Right, yeah,
and I was like I’ll be fine if I do this as long as I never do heroin. That’s what I was saying is
it was a double-edge sword was that on the one hand
I never did heroin again. On the other hand, I said to myself, “I’m 19, I’m not gonna quit drinking, “and as long as I never do
heroin, I don’t have a problem.” Anyone would get addicted to heroin. Mind you, I had done an inventory. I still have the inventory. When you do an inventory it’s
like basically what we did. Where you ask me about, but
it’s even more detailed. How many drinks did you have? When did you start drinking? When was the first time you got drunk? When was the first time you smoked weed? When was the first time
you did hard drugs? How often were you doing hard drugs? You do this whole thing and write it down and then you do how it
affects you emotionally, physically, your family, everything. And at 19-years-old, there
was more than enough evidence that looking at it now, that I’m like, “Yeah you’re an addict.” I shoulda quit forever then, but– – [Maggie] You just didn’t. Yeah, you were 19, you didn’t
wanna never ever drink again. – [Bridget] But not only that,
the shit that was going on in my life was so freakin’ hardcore, there’s no way I would’ve
been able to handle it. There’s no way. – [Maggie] It’s a miracle
you didn’t go back to heroin. – [Bridget] It’s a miracle
because everyone in my house, so I moved into, I met a bunch
of young people at meetings, and moved into a house with a bunch of young, sober people in Minneapolis. And one by one they all started
relapsing and using heroin. Everyone in the house, everyone above me. Somebody ODed and died. It was just so… That time was just chaotic. And I started going to
film school in Minneapolis and taking dance classes and
just getting back into the arts and I was so excited to be acting again, which is what I always wanted to do. I did it every single
summer, I went to acting camp and I was the lead in my high school play when I was a senior, and I was finding my way back and then the rug got kinda
pulled out from underneath me in a way that was nuts. And I moved to LA. I just basically got in my car
and moved out here, which– – [Maggie] Up and moved.
– [Bridget] Yeah. – [Maggie] And that’s when you wound up in the Valley, right? So you were only in LA
for like eight months, something like that? Or six months. – [Bridget] Yeah I wasn’t here long. And I was doing tons of drugs again. Not heroin, though. But I was playing dominoes ’cause my neighbors played
dominoes which was awesome, every night until 4:00
or 5:00 in the morning with these D-list porn stars and this lawyer who also sold cocaine. And it was like classic Valley– – [Maggie] And tell everyone
what were you doing for work. – [Bridget] Working at the bike shop? – [Maggie] Yeah. – [Bridget] Oh my God, I was
like what was I doing for work? I was an extra. You will see me in the background
of like every single… – [Maggie] “Scream 2” in the car– – [Bridget] “Felicity,” I
was an extra in “Felicity,” I was an extra in “Buffy,” I was an extra in “Freaks and Geeks,” I was an extra in all
those types of shows. – [Maggie] In the traffic jam
you were sitting in the car in “Scream 2.” Whichever one the traffic jam is in. – [Bridget] Oh God, that
was such a nightmare shoot. – [Maggie] I’ve always looked
for you when I’ve watched reruns of “Buffy.” I’ve always been like, “It’d be hilarious if I spotted
Bridget in the background.” – [Bridget] Oh my gosh. I’m in the background of
every one of those shows. – [Maggie] You were
working in a bike shop, but you never sold a bike. – [Bridget] Never. It was like a motorcycle shop. A Suzuki motorcycle shop. – [Maggie] And why the hell
were you working there? – [Bridget] It was like my
roommate’s stepdad’s store or friend’s store, something. I never sold a single
bike, I was miserable. That was such a bad, dark, dark time, wow. – [Maggie] So then what happened? Then you wound up moving
back to Minnesota, right? – [Bridget] Well, yep, I
moved back to Minnesota and back to the east coast. – [Maggie] How old were you? You were in Minnesota
for like a few months and then you moved back
to LA, but you moved– – [Bridget] 21. So I was in the Valley,
partying, wasn’t even 21 yet. I was going to Sunset like,
I was living that early 20. Going clubs, in LA, 20, going
to the Whiskey and all of it. And partying and just spinning
around, and then I left, because I was in the Valley miserable and couldn’t make money and didn’t know what I
wanted to do and felt lost. And I was trying to be an
actress but I was horrible and I didn’t have any
guidance or anything. And I was so, so lost, my God. And I had all this family
stuff that had happened that I wanted to resolve so I went back to Minnesota for a minute but then my family was
moving to the East Coast because my younger sister had just found out she was pregnant. And so she was moving back east and then everybody kind
of migrated back east. And then I was back east
for like a hot minute, and then I was like I’m outta here. And I came back to LA
but I decided to go live on the west side and I ended up, really, just only smoking weed. It was actually good. I started like, getting it together. – [Maggie] Okay but wait. For anyone that’s listened to
the original story, or hour, that was when she was
living in Santa Monica with the neighbor who thought she was, Bridget was spying on her. – [Bridget] Right, this is that time. Well that was the end of this time. So I found my way back,
and I was working at, I was an intern at Buddy Head. – [Maggie] That’s right, you
were the Buddy Head girl. – [Bridget] I was working
with an autistic kid and I fell into that and I loved it. And I was really only
smoking weed and drinking, and maybe doing some hard
drugs here and there, but not– – [Maggie] You were really happy. It was a really good time for you. – [Bridget] I was going
to the farmer’s market and I was pretty balanced
and making my way and then Dagmar came
along and I was in debt and so I decided to go home and never, I put all my stuff in storage and never– – [Maggie] You decided to
go home to make some money in the season, the waitressing season. – [Bridget] Which I did. I paid off my debt in three months. And I worked at Pierre Company writing all these stupid things and worked at the Governor’s ball and all. And then I got, and my dad
said don’t get sucked in, and I did. And then I was just, I
gave up on all my dreams and myself, and was alcoholically
drinking, got married, I mean got a kidney infection, I think I maybe mentioned that. I was alcoholically drinking
and doing tons of blow. It was like the classic resort town life. – [Maggie] Waitress.
– [Bridget] Yeah. – [Maggie] Yeah, tons of blow, and then, I mean that’s when we spent a
lot, a lot of time together. – [Bridget] Yeah, yeah. – [Maggie] We were waitressing together, and then what happened? And then we got out. – [Bridget] Well, yeah, then
a lot of other stuff happened. – [Maggie] A lot of other shit happened. Oh and–
– [Bridget] I left my husband. – [Maggie] Right, started
Phetasy, took Phetasy on the road. – [Bridget] Yep, that’s
where that story picks up. – [Maggie] Right and then
I was finishing school, and then once I was done finishing school I moved to Park City and
you had other shit go down and were like, came out
to Park City with me. So then let’s talk about
when you got sober. So, we were living in LA. You went to for a year. – [Bridget] Yeah I did the, I was heartbroken, and I also had, that was the thing that I
couldn’t get him out of my life because every time I’d get stoned I would feel all soft and
mellow and like reach out, and I had to stop reaching
out to this person. And/or drink, I would
cry and be a disaster. So I also had kind of
recreated my childhood in all my jobs around me, and
there was a lot of wreckage. I mean I lost, my online world and my
offline world collided, and I was working at this
school teaching yoga. But I do think looking back there is, I see how smoking weed and drug addiction and drinking and delusions and just, I can see how I just was creating a lot of problems for
myself and not aware of it. And so I was, luckily, same thing happened though when I, so throughout all that
time that I was married I found yoga, that was what kinda bounced
me out of my marriage, but God forbid I get sober. I did everything in my
power to not go back to AA. When I left AA in Minneapolis,
because somebody ODed, my friend who lived upstairs
and I blamed the program. I was like F that, F this
program it doesn’t work. I read all the books that were anti-AA so that I could build a case
and be like AA is the problem. And it is not a good solution, and I never wanted to go back. And I wasn’t just like, “Oh
AA works if it works, great, “and if it doesn’t.” I was like, “Fuck AA!” I was anti-AA. – [Maggie] Yeah, for a long time. – [Bridget] Which
should’ve been a sign then. There’s a sign there, too. So I got sober and was
sober for like 90 days, just white-knuckling it. When I was back here and I
was like 30-years-old maybe. And I ended up mentioning
that I felt like I needed friends and support in front of a woman who I didn’t know was
in AA, and she was like, “Meet me at 7:00 this Saturday,” and it was a woman’s meeting. And something got through
to me, I heard something. I think the woman’s share
was all about her mom and her stepdad, and her story
was like, I heard my story. And I cried the whole time, and then I kinda did it for a year but I was really doing
it to prove to myself that I could be sober for a year. Because in the book it says,
there’s somewhere it says try and be sober for a year. If you can maybe you don’t need this. I was like, “I’ll do that!” And I went 13 months, and I
didn’t really work the program, I didn’t work the steps. I didn’t have any desire. I kinda showed up and said what, told people what they needed to hear. Not that anyone was on my back, it was more just so I would be– – [Maggie] You knew how
to talk the talk kind of. – [Bridget] Yeah, I was a chameleon. I just knew how to sound like, and because I had been
exposed to it before I just knew how to sound
like I was doing it. And, with no intention of
staying, and then I ended up– – [Maggie] Then you went
to Australia and were like, “I’m gonna drink in Australia.” – [Bridget] Right. Well when I got sober, I was like, “Oh, I’ve never traveled.” That was the only thing I
ever wanted to do as a kid, and that’s what happens
when you get sober. If you’re an addict, or in my case, I’ve found that when I
get sober life just like, you get out of your own way. And so I started realizing
that I wanted to travel and I went and left LA and
I was still so heartbroken and went up and worked on a
farm, saved a bunch of money, bought a one-way ticket to Australia. And before I went to
Australia, yes, I was like, there’s no way I’m gonna
be sober in Australia. That’s like a blind
person going to a museum. Why would I do that? Now I would love to do it because I hear they have amazing recovery. But then I went to Australia and I was kind of on a bender there. And then New Zealand. – [Maggie] That’s where
you ended up on the ashram at one point, which you wrote about. – [Bridget] Yeah that’s where
I ended up on the sex cult. Although I was sober. Although I did end up
getting wasted the last day that I was there, and then
kicked out of the ashram. Not really kicked out, they were cool. But, they were, they were
like, “You gotta go.” – [Maggie] And then you wound
up traveling for awhile. – [Bridget] Well, I traveled, yeah. And I was drinking. I mean I was drinking
when I was touring around with Phetasy, around America. And then I was drinking in New Zealand, and then I was drinking. I mean when I was in
Singapore I was blacked out and on so much Xanax and Dom Perignon that I could barely function. ’cause I met a guy and
then we started traveling. Egypt, they don’t drink much in Egypt so I wasn’t drinking. And I had bad anxiety the
whole time I was there, so that was like a detox. And then Europe, and I was like boozing
my way through Europe. – [Maggie] And where’d you go in Europe? – [Bridget] London, Paris,
Vienna, Prague, Berlin, Rome, and then we ended in San Tropez. And San Tropez was just a party. – [Maggie] Frickin’ shit show. – [Bridget] Yeah. And then I came back, went to the farm, went back out to Sri Lanka
which was supposed to be for two weeks and then go to India and I was in Sri Lanka for two months, and I raged in Sri Lanka. Although I was burning
the candle at both ends. I was volunteering with
orphanages and teaching yoga and staying up for three days straight and dancing and it was like
the most fun time of my life but I’m lucky I’m not
in “Locked Up: Abroad.” – [Maggie] And it’s very
strange when I think about your stories ’cause you went, when you were sober for the year didn’t you go to Burning Man
and you were sober for that. – [Bridget] I did. I was, because it was so close to my year and so the only reason, somebody gifted me tickets
to Burning Man, right. So right before, I sublet my place and I was
gonna go travel for a year and I basically sublet my place to force myself to not be here and I was like just gonna
Jack Kerouac around, I guess. – [Maggie] Which you did. – [Bridget] Which I did. And I got in my car and
two days before I left LA, my friend was like, you’re
the only person that I know who could randomly pull
this together in two days but I got gifted tickets to Burning Man and it was a rite of passage year. And I just made it happen. I was like, I can’t say no to that. But I was sober, so when I think about it, I was really only in AA that
year of experimental sobriety for six months, because
I did three on my own. Found it at like 90 days, and
then the last three months I was on the farm. I wasn’t going to meetings or anything. And that was hard, too. – [Maggie] So then talk
about your experience of– – [Bridget] But Burning
Man sober is amazing. – [Maggie] But talk about
your experience of then what happened that you
decided to get sober again. – [Bridget] What happened in that year. – [Maggie] It was after your travels, after you came back from Sri Lanka. – [Bridget] India, yep. And then I went back
to the farm, and then, oh no, I came back from
India and then I was here and then I had a rager of a summer in LA, and then I went out
east and was waitressing because I was in between, we were waiting for, the
restaurant I was working at was opening another restaurant. We were waiting for the permit. So I had a month and our
cousin needed somebody ’cause she was managing a new restaurant and it was the shoulder
season, it was September. And so I went out, and it was
like instantaneously just back into, I mean I was even
having sex with the same guys. It was unbelievable. It was like I was 25 all over again. – [Maggie] Our hometown is like that too, you just get sucked back into it. – [Bridget] Oh, it was instantaneous and I was showing up at barbecues wasted and calling ex-boyfriends and shaming them for getting married. – [Maggie] And the family’s all there. – [Bridget] Yeah, and I did
bad, shameful things then. I was really lost again
too, I didn’t know. Well, and, okay so. I mean I guess I have to include this. I hadn’t talked to my mom in six years, and I saw her that September and it brought up all this stuff and then I came home
and I was on the plane on the way back to California
and I wanted to die. I was like I’m gonna go cop heroin. I’m done. I just didn’t wanna live anymore. I felt completely lost, I didn’t, when I was in Sri Lanka I had
this friend and he’s like, “At some point you’re gonna have to decide “whether you’re gonna
put your roots down in LA “and make it happen in
the entertainment industry “or whatever respect, or
are you gonna go be a.” What did I wanna do? Like be a– – [Maggie] Teach yoga on the beach– – [Bridget] Well teaching English abroad, where you can just go
anywhere every two years. And that sounded compelling. And I thought maybe
that’s what I was gonna do and then I was on my way back to LA after being in my hometown and I landed and something, I mean. But there for the grace of God go I. Something was like, yeah
but before you go downtown and cop heroin, why
don’t you go for a hike? And I was like, just, you know. So much blow and drinking, toxic. I was just toxic. And I went hiking on this hike that I did the other day when I was sad, and by the time I got to the top of it, the endorphins or whatever, just my perception had
shifted and I was like, “I need a meeting.” And I reached out to my
friend and this woman who was one of the mothers
of one of the teenagers that I had been working with back in 2010 when my life kinda, the first experimental
sobriety, at the end of that. And we went to the, it was Thursday night, like tonight. And we went to the big
meeting and I heard a speaker, I don’t remember what they said. I remember sitting in the chair
and crying most of the time. At the time, my sponsor,
she’s now moved to Rome, but she was friends with
the woman who brought me and we all went out to dinner afterwards and she’s just so loving and radiant and she was five years older than me and had five years, so. She got sober at my age and
she was just, she was like, “Oh I was exactly like you,”
and I couldn’t believe it ’cause she was so calm and
present in her own skin and just like radiated love
and seemed so at peace. And I had, I was like yeah you’re lying or you’re on drugs or something. And then I decided to give it a try. It was like so accidental, I came home that night and smoked weed. And I quit drinking a few days
before I quit smoking weed because I knew I just felt
like such a piece of shit. But I wasn’t intending
on quitting drinking I just knew I needed a break, and I went, and then I smoked weed that night and the next day kind
of threw everything away and just thought I’d give it a whirl and reluctantly went back. I say reluctantly because if
I had just drank the Kool-Aid right away but I just was so resistant. There was a part of me, you
know they say in the program you have to concede to your
innermost self that you are an alcoholic and just can’t drink normally and it took me years to do that. It took me like two years, and I was miserable for
the first two years. And tons of stuff happened. My friend died, I got cancer,
my car got rear ended. It was like every time I
turned around in sobriety, something– – [Maggie] So broke. – [Bridget] So broke! – [Maggie] Depression, all of it. – [Bridget] Yeah, so depressed. And I think that’s the weed. I really think that the
depression that I had when I got sober, because I just quit everything
at once, was from… I’d used weed every day for, as basically like Ritalin and Prozac. And I wasn’t one of those lazy stoners, I was like a super-motivated,
psycho stoner. – [Maggie] You’d get stoned and like clean your house like a maniac. – [Bridget] Yeah and then not
remember where anything was. – [Maggie] Talk about that a little ’cause you did Tweet
about it a little bit, that I was reading it where you’re like, “It’s like a glass ceiling of smoke.” – [Bridget] Yeah that was because I had, like I said, I tried everything. I tried doing yoga, I was always trying to
manage my addiction. So I was always pulling
myself from the brink when my ex-husband and I
started doing too many drugs and I was waking up and I was
like, okay gotta dial it back. I’ll become a yoga instructor. And I did a whole year,
or not a whole year, but I did do the marijuana
maintenance where I quit drinking I would do it periodically
when I was living in, as we call it, the barn. It was this building
on, it’s a long story. – [Maggie] In our hometown. – [Bridget] In our hometown,
where I just didn’t drink, and I only smoked weed, and I felt great. So I thought that I could do that. And when I quit drinking
I quit smoking weed because I knew that it’s
such a short distance between intoxications for me,
so I knew that it would be, I probably coulda gone for awhile but I knew that it would get nice and I would be down at the beach in Venice and smoke some weed and then suddenly I’d be drinking a beer. Yeah. And then I’d be off, and I was like, I guarantee I’d be doing lines at the townhouse by the end of the night. That’s how quickly it would
escalate, and always did. I did not need any more
evidence, I’d had years. I mean when you think about the fact that I was in rehab at 19 and that I didn’t get sober until I was 35 with one year where I took it off, it is a miracle that I’m alive. – [Maggie] Miracle. So many stories. – [Bridget] So many people aren’t. And people who don’t even
drink or use, by the way. But so many, I mean it’s
a miracle I made it back. I was thinking I always
stayed away from pills because they scare the crap outta me because when I was in my
rehab they medicated everybody to the point that they
were drooling sometimes and it scared me so I was always petrified
of pharmaceuticals. It was like “One Flew
Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.” – [Maggie] Which is a
blessing in disguise. – [Bridget] Huge, but I became, after 9/11 I went through this phase for like three, maybe longer, it was awhile where I was
deathly afraid of flying. And my sister gave me
Xanax and she was like, “Just take it, take half. “It’ll be perfect for your flight.” And I was like I don’t
know, this seems like heroin without any of the pesky side effects. It basically suppresses
your instinct to feel fear and gives you a great buzz, and I got on the plane, took half of one, drank a Jack and Coke, felt amazing, got another drink, took the other half. She’d given me two. And then as we were descending,
popped the other Xanax and got another drink and I was hammered. You remember, you were here
I think when I drove home. You and Sarah were like, “What the hell? “You drove home like this?” And by the way I was
standing on the curb at LAX out of my mind, and these guys in the car just drove up and they’re like, “You look lost, where do you need to go?” And I’m like, “I need to go to my car,” ’cause my car had been
parked in the long-term lot, and they drove me there. That is like a miracle, I just hopped in this car
and these random people. I was in and out of
blacking out, driving home. But I tell that story in meetings. It took me one cross-country flight to start abusing that drug. One six-hour flight. If there’s ever a doubt in
my mind that I’m an addict, it is, there’s so much evidence that I cannot do anything in moderation when it makes me feel good
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for 15% off today. – [Maggie] So, let’s go
back to the weed then, ’cause I do feel like it’s
important that people understand your feeling about it,
or how insidious it is. – [Bridget] So, okay
the reason this comes up is because in those two years, I was so depressed and I– – [Maggie] The first two
years you were sober. – [Bridget] The first
two years I was sober, and my therapist and I were
kinda monitoring it like is it time for me to get on meds, ’cause I’m pretty suicidal. It’s getting pretty dark. And I was like, “F that,
I’m not going on meds. “I’ll just start smoking weed again.” That was kinda my whole, my best thinking. But I didn’t wanna
start smoking weed again because then I was worried
I’d start drinking. And I’d quit weed, and it
wasn’t like I quit drinking and then was still smoking weed. I quit both, and I’m like, why would I start smoking
again if I quit it? Which I haven’t managed to do. And when I was in rehab they said, “Your drug of choice is marijuana.” And I was like, “Marijuana’s not a drug,” and they were like, “Yeah, exactly.” And that was when I was
in that halfway house. They just saw how much I
adored it, and still do. I still think it’s a great plant, I still think it’s a great medicine. I still wish that if I
didn’t smoke right now, I would not be smoking
first thing in the morning. Everyone’s like, “Well you
can try in moderation.” When people say this, moderation is hell. It’s too much managing. Some people have issues with the abstinence part
of 12-Step programs, and there are some people
who can do moderation. I cannot. And I, as you can see,
have enough experience and managed to live long
enough to see that I cannot. And I tried, I tried. – [Maggie] And you’re a
cold turkey kinda person, that’s just the way you– – [Bridget] Everything
they say in the book, when it’s like you’ll try drinking booze, you’ll try drinking alone,
you’ll drink with friends, you’ll do yoga, I’ll try and get therapy, go to a freakin’ ashram,
have a shaman, like whatever. I tried all of it. Nothing worked. I have that gene. And so we kinda monitored it,
and then something shifted. I wasn’t really working
a great program either, looking back. I worked a great program my first year, and then my second year
was kinda the classic, everything in my life
got bigger and better and things started improving and I stopped going to as many meetings and stopped paying attention
to my spiritual condition and became essentially miserable and dry. And I was so dry. I was so miserable. – [Maggie] Can you
explain that a little bit to people who might not know what dry is? – [Bridget] I don’t
know how to explain it. It’s like the most horrifying thing to me when I got sober was realizing
that it wasn’t the booze, it’s my, they say come for the drinking,
stay for the thinking. And somebody at a meeting the other day said the ism at the end
of alcoholism stands for I Sabotage Myself. And it is this insidious, self-sabotage, restless, irritable, discontent. That’s what dry is. I know when I start judging the world and being like, meh and meh and just picking fights
and hating everyone, I’m like, “Oh I need a meeting.” It’s usually been a couple days. I start feeling squirrely,
I start feeling discontent, I start wanting to crawl out of my skin. Dry is like the alcoholism,
there’s so many things they say it’s like alcohol is a solution to whatever it is in your brain. They say it’s a disease or perception, they say it’s a disease of loneliness. There’s a million different
things that they call it but whatever that perception
is, or that feeling, is what I was using alcohol to medicate and if I’m not using
alcohol or something else which is why so many people
get addicted to porn or sex or, I always say when you get
sober it’s like whack-a-mole. It’s like oh and now I
have a porn addiction and now I took care of that and now– – [Maggie] New addictions crop up. What would you say to people who, what have you found in the
program that you would say to someone who’s resisting
it like you were? – [Bridget] The 12-Step
programs get such a bad rep now and it’s unfortunate
because I see so much good. Like anything, there’s bad, but they haven’t figured
out how to treat addiction. There’s too many things. A lot of the time someone will get sober and then you’ll realize
that they’re bipolar and they’ve been self-medicating
so they’re dual-diagnosis. A lot of the times you deal
with some of the things from your past and maybe you
weren’t really an addict, you were just, and my friend says AA and LA
are filled with neurotics. Or like people who aren’t even alcoholics they’re just neurotic people. So it gets a bad rep
because of the God stuff, because people say a lot
of courts order people that go there and so there are predators. I would argue there
are predators anywhere. There’s predators at church, there are predators everywhere you go. But there are a lot of sick
people in the rooms, obviously. And so it gets this bad rep and
now there’s a lot of science saying that it doesn’t work. And it’s weird because I
understand the desire to resist it because I was that person
who read everything and built my case against it. I was like, it’s fear-based and the God stuff and blah blah blah. But it’s pretty simple. I mean it keeps things really
simple, and I’ve never, even recently I’m heartbroken, and I’m applying the
steps to my heartbreak. I can take those steps and
they’re not complicated. It’s like it gives you a program for, it’s a system for dealing
with really anything. And even like politics. If I find myself getting heated
about politics, I’m like, “I can’t be in resentment,
so I need to get outta this,” and admitting powerlessness
over people, places, and things. And I like that it has, there’s
a whole chapter in the book about We Agnostics. Bill addressed this
Atheism and Agnosticism, because he was an Atheist and
so being able to have a God as your understanding. It’s a God as you understand them. People get turned off by
it and I understand that. I came in as a Catholic
and I could not say the Lord’s Prayer for the first two years. It just triggered my Catholic
guilt and everything. And so I understand that. And it is a program that’s
based in Judaeo-Christian. Yeah the history of it, that’s
where it was based out of. – [Maggie] Well I will
say that there’s stuff that I’ve learned just from you and it seems really
valuable to me to have, you guys do a lot of work,
a lot of work on yourself, a lot of self-reflection, a lot of taking responsibility
and figuring out subconscious things that you’ve let lie or that have remained buried
and it’s a lot of self-work that makes you more aware and you can bring
yourself out of resentment or you can be like
looking at your own stuff and your own knee-jerk
subconscious reactions and being like, “Oh this is
this and I need to do this.” You have steps in place that
help you live a healthier life, it’s almost like well
jeez, I wish I had that. – [Bridget] I feel bad
for people actually. I used to hate when people were like, “I’m a grateful alcoholic,” and I never understood it but I do kind of because I see people who
aren’t and they struggle and they’ll get into a situation where they don’t know how to… I have a community of people that I can bounce my brilliant
or horrible ideas off of. I got dumped on Friday and was
on the phone with my sponsor on Saturday morning working the steps. I’m in resentment, I’m in
pain, so how was I powerless? How can I turn it over? What is my part in the matter,
always what is my part? Even if my part is just
choosing to be in this situation and looking at my character
defects and assets and being able to make
amends when I need to. And I was talking to my sponsor today. It never ceases to amaze
me how after five years now they’re like little antibodies, and they say this in the program. You just create smart feed. And it took me I think like two years, between years two and three I
really surrendered and turned, I still have my will all the time but surrendered to the idea
that there was something in that program that worked for people. And it was working for me because I could see my
life getting better. I had tangible evidence. I was suddenly writing, I had
been trying to be a writer for 20 years, and I was
getting paid to write. And dreams were coming true so
I had this tangible evidence that things were getting better. Not just like the bells and
whistles, but internally. I started feeling comfortable in my skin, my anxiety completely went away, hypochondria gone. These things that I had suffered
from and you’ve seen me. – [Maggie] Struggled for years. – [Bridget] Oh, debilitating anxiety. – [Maggie] Yeah, and hypochondria— – [Bridget] I mean, fetal position, and hypochondria just gone. It was like so many things
and the gifts of sobriety in terms of the relationships I have with my family getting better, the relationship I have with myself, I’m a better member of society. And the thing I love the
most about the program is just the emphasis on being of service and these people will show up. They show up for you. When you break a leg and need
people to bring a meeting, you can’t get to one, I’ve gone and brought meetings to people when they were dying. I’ve brought meetings to
women who just had babies. I’ve gone to jails, I’ve
gone to institutions, I’ve spoken at rehabs. I’m given so many opportunities
to get out in the community and give back and there are
so many people in the program who are doing that stuff. So I don’t see the bad. When people kind of crap on it, I’m like, “Okay even if it doesn’t
work for everybody “and it’s not a perfect solution, “why crap on it for the people who do?” – [Maggie] It is something that works and helps a lot of people. – [Bridget] Yeah. It works for a lot of people. And it’s nice to notice how those little, so smart feed is like go to a meeting when you don’t wanna go so that
when you need one you’ll go. You just create those habits. It’s all habit. It’s just all creating habits, and I was shocked at how
quickly all that kicked in this past weekend when I was heartbroken. It was like instant. I was like, take a bath, have
a night in, call your sponsor, reach out, share at a,
I went to a meeting, I shared at a meeting and
everybody laughed because– – [Maggie] You went for a hike. – [Bridget] I went for
a hike that got me sober and sat on the top of
the rock and journaled, and felt my feelings. I mean that’s a miracle. My very first sponsor, she
said to me all of sobriety is getting comfortable
with being uncomfortable. Because a lot of the time,
and I’ve experienced this, even with the depression
when I was early sober, my sponsor used to say, “Maybe you just need to
be depressed, Bridge. “Maybe this is just part of it “and you have to stop judging
it and just let it be, “and maybe it’ll lift some day.” And that was the experience that I had. It was not necessarily anything I did, it just was working. Maybe it was my brain rewiring
after 20 freakin’ years of smoking weed. – [Maggie] Right. And you had a lot of shit
you needed to work through. – [Bridget] And still, I mean they say that it’s this whole idea
that it’s this peeling of the onion, that you kind of, and I know people with
26 years of sobriety suddenly get melancholy or depressed. You don’t stop being human. I really doubled down, like I did 90 in 90 at the beginning of year four ’cause I felt myself kinda drifting between three and four and
it changed my life again. It changed, I’m doing it
again with a group of women now who are doing it
’cause every time I do, it changes my life. – [Maggie] 90 in 90 is
90 meetings in 90 days. – [Bridget] I don’t know, it’s just, I used to hate when people
said everything in my life should be labeled property of AA. And everything in my fuckin’ life should be labeled property of AA. Everything I have, everything. – [Maggie] And we’ve talked about that. We have a lot of ambitions
and goals and desires but the first and foremost
thing in your life is sobriety. That is the foundation upon
which you build everything. – [Bridget] Yep, love and service. But sobriety, it is. I lose everything, I know that. And it’s funny because
when I get into results and out of being of service,
being in the program, because I was investing a
lot of time in this person who my therapist said
was a drink on two legs which was very interesting. And it is interesting how you
can start to look for that. I’m such, oh God. It’s like I just want something
to make me feel different or better or good. – [Maggie] To change your reality. – [Bridget] And whether that’s a thing. That’s what I was gonna say about getting comfortable
with being uncomfortable. A lot of the times I’ll want the program to work like a drug, it’s like well I meditated
and I called four alcoholics and I went to a meeting
and I don’t feel better, what the F? And it’s not gonna work like a drug. Sometimes I just have to sit
with being uncomfortable. And that is not easy for someone like me who always reached for something to change the way I felt forever. So readjusting that whole frame
of, that entire world view that I couldn’t just. And now, the gym helps because
I do have to sweat every day or it shifts my perspective but at least it’s in a positive direction if I don’t go after two or three days, I start feeling like,
what’s wrong with me? And it’s a miracle. I mean it’s been, I never really thought I’d
be in the program again. I still think it’s funny
sometimes when I go, I’m like, “Really, I’m back here after 20 years?” – [Maggie] And I still
remember you being like, “I wonder what it would be like
to be like five years sober. “Wouldn’t that be cool to have
five years under my belt?” – [Bridget] Yeah and it
goes so fast actually. And when you first get sober, God. Early sobriety is so hard
because the days are so long. You’re like these days,
were they always this long or was I just drunk for half of them? And it gets, now they’re all filled. Now they go fast and I do have so much respect for whoever invented this. Bill and Bob and the
founders of this program. Say what you will about
all the other treatments and there are so many other alternatives. And I tell people, like
it’s not for everyone. It’s just not. I think with recovery it’s
finding what works for you and trying things and some people, if you’re just a hardcore heroin addict, and the thing that works
for you is smoking weed and you’re not using heroin anymore, I’m not gonna begrudge somebody that marijuana maintenance program if they’re not using
heroin or meth anymore. I don’t have a puritanical view about it. I feel like whatever works for people. I know a lot of people who are like, just the time that you have. For me I need the counting
of days that accumulate because it gives me space
between that last drink that I don’t wanna sacrifice. – [Maggie] Right. What would you say, ’cause I know you sound really good right now and I know that you are
in a really good place, but there are days certainly
when you’re tempted or you’re like, oh I almost drank. – [Bridget] Oh, we have them on Patreon. That thing that we, I
think it’s on Patreon where I was in a dark place two months ago and I wanted to drink. I wanted to drink on the 4th
of July just outta the blue. – [Maggie] And I remember
talking to you on the phone when I was home and you were like, “I almost drank.” And it’s like, what do you
say to people who have that or how do you get through that day? – [Bridget] My first thought
is always my worst one. So I just don’t act on it. And I do, again, I’ve created smart feed. Doing 90 in 90 is a great
way to create smart feed ’cause you don’t wanna go
to a meeting and you go. And for me in sobriety,
everything was opposite day. So they say contrary action,
but for me it was like everything I wanna do,
I probably shouldn’t do. Like go to Hawaii for 30 days alone. And everything I don’t
wanna do I need to do. Like go to those meetings,
or speak on that panel, or whatever, just say
yes to all the things. And working the steps really helped, like actually putting pen to paper. There’s magic in that. There’s magic in that with goals. There’s magic in putting
pen to paper in anything, whether or not you’re an addict. I would say write your stuff down and be amazed at how it unfolds. On those days that you’re squirrely, I mean I’ve definitely been there where it’s been one minute at a time. I’ve reached out to alcoholics, on Christmas day I called my sponsor because I walked a mile
to go to a meeting, was feeling squirrely,
and the meeting was closed ’cause it was Christmas and the pub was right down the street. And my first thought was
I could go to the pub. And it’s just in your brain. And it looked fun, everybody
was outside, it was nice, and that was my first thought. And I was terrified by it,
but luckily I had a sponsee who was in crisis and
then I called my sponsor and she talked me down off the ledge. And smoking weed, the fact that weed is
legal and everywhere. It makes me wanna–
– [Maggie] The smell, yeah. – [Bridget] I mean I got sober
before Uber and legal weed and all the cool things that
make all this shit so easy. – [Maggie] So much easier to manage. – [Bridget] But maybe that’s a good thing because I’d probably be like a shit show if that was the case now, and somebody was sharing in a meeting about the dispensaries opening and how it’s like torture
but he said there was a meeting right next to one
that’s open and he’s like, “There were like five people at 7:00 a.m. “waiting outside to get in.” He just said, “I’m just so glad
that I’m going to a meeting “and I’m not doing that. “That I’m not a slave to that.” And I was a slave to, I do feel free. I was a slave to my addictions. All of them. Various forms of them. And weed and drinking in particular. And probably men. It’s a constant battle. I mean, it’s not something that, I love, what’s the saying that I love? You can’t stay clean
on yesterday’s shower. (Maggie laughs) Which I love. It’s a daily, I mean, and they say, again, these are always platitudes
that I frickin’ used to hate but they’re very true. It’s like a daily reprieve. – [Maggie] Yep. – [Bridget] I have a great sponsor who’s very much concerned
about my spiritual condition. She doesn’t tell me
whether to do something or not do something. It’s like, just don’t drink
or use no matter what. You’re still gonna be human and you’re still gonna make mistakes and make bad decisions, and as long as you stay sober, you’ll learn from them and how does it affect
your spiritual condition? And I was always a hippie, yogi, like the God stuff, hippy universe, that stuff was never hard for me. – [Maggie] Right.
– [Bridget] It’s not hard for me to look at the sun setting or rising or the moon or an eclipse
or know that my, you know, and this is what I say to my
sponsees that’re so resistant. I’m like, do you make your
heart beat when they’re like, “I don’t know, I don’t know
that anything’s bigger than me.” I’m like, “Well, do you
make your heart beat?” And, “Do you think about it
and make your heart beat?” And they’re like, “No.” And I’m like, “Okay, that’s enough.” You just have to know
you’re not in charge. Like, there’s something else going on. And when I had such a hard
time in the beginning, I had dogs as my higher power because it was just, I do
feel like it’s God backwards and they’re just everywhere. So whenever I felt like
I needed a God shot, I would just, suddenly a dog would appear. They’re everywhere in LA. That worked for me. A lot of people use the group. I would say to people who are
resistant to that God stuff, if you can just substitute
something, anything, whether it’s a tangible
thing like the people in AA or something intangible like the universe, or something like a dog.
– [Maggie] Right. – [Bridget] Then, okay. It just can’t be you. It just needs to be
something bigger than you. Something other than you. Because the minute I start,
I know when I’m in trouble. There’s certain sign posts for me when I know I’m in trouble. Like, nihilism is a bad one. When I start saying I
got this, I’m in trouble. When I start saying none of
this matters, I’m in trouble. There are just sign posts
when I’m taking my will back, when I’m saying, and I
still have a hard time with surrendering my will to a power. It’s still, it unfolds in different ways, because I’m so strong-willed. And I want what I want. But when I get out of that
space of love and service, and just being, I start seeing, recently in the place that I’ve been where I’m paying too much
attention to the results instead of the work. And I’m getting too
boggled down in the trolls and what they’re saying, and I’m suddenly concerned
what other people are saying and it’s like who gives a shit? It doesn’t matter. It’s none of my business what
anyone thinks of me, really, and I really should only be concerned about my connection to
something bigger than me and how I can be of service
and connect to people, and I forget that. And then even, you know, it’s
so toxic on Twitter and online and the discourse and the
politics and everything right now. It’s easy to get bogged
down in all of that and lose sight of once
I’m outside of a meeting, to take, they say,
practice these principles in all our affairs. So, even just the Tweet that
inspired this whole podcast, it was like so inspiring
in this bright light in this sea of just toxic snark and shit. And I needed it. I needed to be inspired and reminded and remember that when my
primary purpose is to stay sober and to help another
alcoholic achieve sobriety. That is my primary purpose. Everything else, writing,
writing books, doing videos, like anything, being a
mom, it doesn’t matter. All of that stuff comes secondary and when I remember that
that is my primary purpose, all the other things
unfold how they should. – [Maggie] Right. – [Bridget] But when I’m trying to manage all the other things I start getting crazy and when I step outside of
that very small circle of this is the moment right now
and how can I be of service and, you know, focus on the work, then it gets (chuckles) pretty
ugly pretty fast for me. – [Maggie] Yeah. – [Bridget] I’m constantly reminded by things like heartbreak that
put me back in the program because it’s like pain
is the touchstone of our, it just puts you back in that space more than when you’re like
killing it or doing well. – [Maggie] Right. – [Bridget] So I’m just
constantly reminded that it’s accessible to
me anytime, and it’s free! That’s the thing that
is mind-boggling to me. There’s 2,000 meetings a week in LA. And they’re free, like, what, $1.00? I mean, that is, it’s crazy to me that you can just go sit
down and hear someone tell their story and maybe
you’ll relate to it and be like– – [Maggie] Find help.
– [Bridget] Yeah. – [Maggie] It’s a way to seek help.
– [Bridget] It’s crazy. – [Maggie] Well, what do you
wanna leave this podcast with? Where do you wanna end it? – [Bridget] I don’t know,
I’m sure people have, you know, sometimes
I’d like to take people through how I work the
steps but that’s almost like a completely separate thing and I don’t have any answers,
this is just my story. I guess if you have questions, reach out– – [Maggie] Send ’em.
– [Bridget] Yeah send them to us. We really should get…
– [Maggie] A podcast email, ya think? – [Bridget] Yeah. (laughs) – [Maggie] All right,
we’ll put that on the list. – [Bridget] Whoa. – [Maggie] Walk-InsWelcomequestion… – [Bridget] @gmail. Or just [email protected] Maybe that’s available, we’ll see. – [Maggie] We’ll check that out. – [Bridget] If it is
available and we do it tonight or before next week, email us
at [email protected] Or something. – [Maggie] And if not, we’ll
change the email address in the description of the podcast. – [Bridget] Yeah, I don’t know,
if you have any questions, just email me and if you’re struggling or know somebody who’s struggling or maybe wondering if
they should get sober or anything, maybe send them this podcast. – [Maggie] Yeah.
– [Bridget] You know? (chuckles) – [Maggie] Well I will say, you
know, I’ve known you forever and I have known party Bridget and I’ve known sober Bridget– – [Bridget] Party Bridget
was pretty fun though. – [Maggie] (laughs) Yeah but
you’re fun no matter what. – [Bridget] Well, yeah, still a maniac.
– [Maggie] Like you never stopped being fun after you got sober, it wasn’t like all of the sudden you joined
a convent or something. But it is inspiring. It’s inspiring to see and to watch you having gone through this process– – [Bridget] I mean, it’s a crazy story. – [Maggie] It’s a crazy story when you didn’t even get–
– [Bridget] It’s a crazy story– – [Maggie] Into a ton of the details.
– [Bridget] When you think of the fact that, really, three years
ago I was waitressing. And then I started writing
for Playboy and then I was, now I was on Ben Shapiro’s
show on Fox as an independent, which is a totally–
– [Maggie] We’re gonna cover that in another story hour, how you got from one thing to the next. – [Bridget] But that is sobriety. And that is also letting, talk about just letting things unfold, that I never would’ve ever,
ever in a million years. If you told me when I got
sober that that was gonna be, that I’d be on Ben Shapiro’s show as an independent on Fox News, I would’ve been like, how, give me more of whatever drugs you have because you’re a crazy person. (Maggie laughs)
Clearly. – [Maggie] But thank you
for sharing your story. I think it helps. I think it helps people. Just hearing what other people go through and what their journey has been and– – [Bridget] Well and a
lot of people ask, like, it’s a long story because
it took so many years to get sober. – [Maggie] Yeah. – [Bridget] A lot of people asked me, so now I can just direct
them to this podcast. Do you have an hour and a half? – [Maggie] Do you have
two hours to listen– – [Bridget] Two hours.
(Maggie laughs) Well. I don’t have two hours to tell you. (both laughing) And that’s like, by the way, just the… – [Maggie] Overview. – [Bridget] Yeah. – [Maggie] Yeah. Well, thank you, Bridget. – [Bridget] Thank you, Mag. – [Maggie] I’m proud of you. Love you. – [Bridget] I love you too. Thank you for being so supportive. – [Maggie] My pleasure. – [Bridget] Maggie’s great
because she knows that sometimes, 90% of the time I’m
fine being around booze but if I’m in a squirrely place, I just, I don’t wanna be around it, and Maggie’s so great
about always being like, “Do you care if I bring booze, “like beer over to watch a game?” Or, “Do you care if I’m drinking?” If you have someone who’s sober, especially an early sobriety, it’s a nice, nice thing to be aware of. – [Maggie] Yeah. I try. – [Bridget] But then again we have like a raging alcoholic family so
when we go home, it’s just… – [Maggie] It’s just a free-for-all – [Bridget] Yeah. (both laughing) Just over Bridget and everyone else. – [Maggie] Storytime for another day. – [Bridget] Yep. Well I have to write that one down. – [Maggie] Yep. – [Bridget] All right, bye, everyone. – [Maggie] Bye. – [Bridget] This episode
of Walk-Ins Welcome has been brought to you by Green Chef. Green Chef is a USDA
certified organic company that makes eating well easy and affordable with plans to fit every kind of lifestyle. For $50 off your first box of Green Chef, go to GreenChef.us/walkin and we’re also grateful for Third Love. Third Love knows there’s a
perfect bra for everyone, so right now they’re offering my listeners 15% off your first order. That’s ThirdLove.com/walkin
for 15% off today. Tune in next week for
another riveting episode that will change your life, help you get out of your own way, and solve all the world’s problems. I wanna thank Ricochet, my
co-producer and cousin Maggie, and all of you out there listening. This has been Walk-Ins
Welcome with Bridget Phetasy. I’m Bridget Phetasy. (light upbeat music)
And you’re welcome. (Bridget laughs) That’s the dumbest line.
(both laughing)


  1. The sugar addiction stuff was totally me! Fortunately I only dabbled in drugs. Alcohol is my “safe” haven.
    You’re inspiring for all you’ve overcome.

  2. Thank you for sharing your story. Saw you on Joe Rogan and now I am a fan. In recovery myself…I love learning others' journeys.

  3. man, never understood peeps who got addicted to weed. Made me paranoid as hell. Hated it. But man, oh man, there was never just one beer for me.
    Thus 5/25/1997 last time booze touched these lips.

    One day at a time!

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